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orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 10:08 AM

Sorry I'm not trying to be funny but I thought that would be obvious

john 321 · Nov 6, 2007, 10:10 AM

I wish I could help you have you gone for help by a specialist

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 10:12 AM

We tried that route a while back but all we had was months of doing sensate focus, taking it in turns to rub each other, I hated every moment of it though and hadn't a clue what I was meant to be doing, for him or me. In the end I was having panick attacks about it and when we told her she just ignored that and said more of the same in the end huby told her that what ever she had planned wasn't working and she then said that she couldn't help!

Ash123 · Nov 6, 2007, 11:34 AM

Hmmm, you sound like you are living an unhealthy life... and perhaps an unhappy childhood. Your normal sense of pleasure is not there... and has been replaced.

How was your childhood?
How is your marriage?

You may need a pro counselor.

Marriedguy · Nov 6, 2007, 12:00 PM

Sorry to hear about this situation. Are you stimulated or there is no feeling at all? I would see a doctor about this situation not being arousal could be a mental thing or a physical thing or both. Have you had a sexually trama?

jbarrington · Nov 6, 2007, 12:25 PM

Trying to explain arousal to a person that says they have never felt it could be close to trying to explain what the colors of the rainbow are to a blind person. It could be done, but it might take a little while to do it.

Arousal is something that gets your attention, perks you up, and turns on a feeling, desire or an attraction for something more than anything else at that moment. I guess arousal could sometimes be seen as a “lite” addiction because it helps feed something in you and then it's gone until the next time you think about it. Have you ever wanted something sooo bad (that's an arousal example) and when you get it (the stimulus example), the desire is satisfied within moments (that's an orgasm example)? A piece of chocolate? A long and good backor, foot massage? Something that you just have to have and then when you get it, you feel good. Arousal could be seen as something close to one of those examples.

You would need to feel something like those brief examples toward your husband. You REALLY want his hugs. You WANT him to take you to the bedroom. You WANT him to lay next to you and close. You NEED him to touch you.

This could be a medical condition relating to something physical or psychological. Of course, it be something as simple as that you are not really into your husband for some reason.

I'm going to take a moment to stop and rattle off a few random things that might help shed some light on possible things that could be influencing your problem. Reading your main question along with your follow up replies made me think of many of these. It could help me or others help you.

Is there anything of a sexual nature that might seem naughty or wicked that you might like to think about and do not want your husband to know about? Perhaps a fantasy of a male (movie star, neighbor, or somebody that you have made up)? These could be sexual things that arouse you.

Was there something that attracted you originally to your husband when you first met? Something that made you want to be close to him or be with him deeper? Something that made you want to be with him all the time? If it is yes, then those early feelings would be examples of some level of arousal for him.

Do you really love your husband (honestly)? Do you just care for your husband as a close friend? Do you like him? Apologies if any of these questions offended. The answers may or may not help.

Although I can't be really sure, I'm getting the sense that you care for your husband (why else would you be asking for help), but you might have been raise to seriously believe that anything related to sex was considered nasty or dirty. If this is true, then this could be an example of a type of psychological condition.

I don't know what to recommend to you as far as any medical conditions towards possible physical problems.

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 01:19 PM

Sorry about repling this way it's the only thing I can think of to help explain and answer each thing your asking about.

Originally Posted by jbarrington

Trying to explain arousal to a person that says they have never felt it could be close to trying to explain what the colors of the rainbow are to a blind person. It could be done, but it might take a little while to do it.

Arousal is something that gets your attention, perks you up, and turns on a feeling, desire or an attraction for something more than anything else at that moment. I guess arousal could sometimes be seen as a “lite” addiction because it helps feed something in you and then it's gone until the next time you think about it. Have you ever wanted something sooo bad (that's an arousal example) and when you get it (the stimulus example), the desire is satisfied within moments (that's an orgasm example)? A piece of chocolate? A long and good backor, foot massage? Something that you just have to have and then when you get it, you feel good. Arousal could be seen as something close to one of those examples.

You would need to feel something like those brief examples toward your husband. You REALLY want his hugs. You WANT him to take you to the bedroom. You WANT him to lay next to you and close. You NEED him to touch you.

ok i love it when he comes home, and gives me a kiss, it makes me laugh when the dog looks at us and goes "huff" in a disgust way!!!. do i need him to touch? no i have never felt that way about him at all.

This could be a medical condition relating to something physical or psychological. Of course, it be something as simple as that you are not really into your husband for some reason.

not so sure what your meaning about this point.

I'm going to take a moment to stop and rattle off a few random things that might help shed some light on possible things that could be influencing your problem. Reading your main question along with your follow up replies made me think of many of these. It could help me or others help you.

Is there anything of a sexual nature that might seem naughty or wicked that you might like to think about and do not want your husband to know about? Perhaps a fantasy of a male (movie star, neighbor, or somebody that you have made up)? These could be sexual things that arouse you.

i dont have any "fantasies" at all, i have no idea how you do that. the nearest thing i could have would be to have the similar experiences that you all normally have, but alas i dont.

Was there something that attracted you originally to your husband when you first met? Something that made you want to be close to him or be with him deeper? Something that made you want to be with him all the time? If it is yes, then those early feelings would be examples of some level of arousal for him.

yes it was his eyes, but once again, that has gone, they no longer sparkle, they are tired and worn out.

Do you really love your husband (honestly)? Do you just care for your husband as a close friend? Do you like him? Apologies if any of these questions offended. The answers may or may not help.

oh i sure do love him with al my heart, i would protect him without thought to myself,

Although I can't be really sure, I'm getting the sense that you care for your husband (why else would you be asking for help), but you might have been raise to seriously believe that anything related to sex was considered nasty or dirty. If this is true, then this could be an example of a type of psychological condition.

thing that i dont understand about that is, as i didnt ever know that women did orgasm how could ihave "switched" my head of from something that i never expected to feel. i honestly thought that orgasm was a totally male thing. sex as far as parents where concerned was something saved for marriage. and that was as far as the learning from them went. no conversations etc about it ever.

I don't know what to recommend to you as far as any medical conditions towards possible physical problems.

I hope this might help.

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 01:28 PM

Hmmm, you sound like you are living an unhealthy life... and perhaps an unhappy childhood. Your normal sense of pleasure is not there... and has been replaced.

How was your childhood?
How is your marriage?

You may need a pro counselor.

In what way do you mean an unhealthy life? I don't do drugs etc etc, I eat well and allthat sort of stuff, I'm not on any medication for anything.

My childhood wasn't good, I was adopted to people that shouldn't have been given the right to look after kids, they didn't abuse me as such but well she just wasn't in a state of mind to look after kids, and spent most of her time either in hospital or bed being busy being so called "ill" no doctor ever found anything wrong with her. I spent most my freetime looking after her and my sister.

Like any other marriage we have had our ups and downs, but over all it is good, we love each other dearly.

Tried the sex counseling thing a while back and as I said it never worked one little bit, I really can't face going back again as she is the only one available to us.

jbarrington · Nov 6, 2007, 02:11 PM

Thanks for your honest answers to me and to others that asked.:)

I realize that some of my comments or questions might have seemed to be all over the place, but I now get the real sense that you love and care for your husband. You seem to have no problem with any type of relationship connection with him, but you could be only allowing it to proceed up to a certain point and won't allow it to proceed any further for some reason. Sort of like a self denial of a certain level of pleasure

I'm getting the strong sense there are deeper issues here than what people here can help you with. There could be several things going on here with not allowing yourself to seemingly know and enjoy any pleasure for yourself (arousal). Perhaps, since you mention it, some of your situation could be from having to look after your adoptive mother and sister. You were force into being a parent and denying time forself. Having to take care her and your sister may have denied you from enjoying things in your childhood. You could still be "stuck" in a type of feeling of self guilt towards not consciously allowing yourself to truly have pleasure, to accept that it could be okay to invest in yourself instead of others.

If any of this could sound like it might be possible, you should seriously take the time and have a few sessions with a professional who can help lead and teach you how to feel that it's okay to allow yourself pleasure without guilt. :)

Ash123 · Nov 6, 2007, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by orgasmless

hmmm, you sound like you are living an unhealthy life....and perhaps an unhappy childhood. your normal sense of pleasure is not there...and has been replaced.

how was your childhood?
how is your marriage?

you may need a pro counselor.

in what way do you mean an unhealthy life? i dont do drugs etc etc, i eat well and allthat sort of stuff, im not on any medication for anything.

my childhood wasnt good, i was adopted to people that shouldnt have been given the right to look after kids, they didnt abuse me as such but well she just wasnt in a state of mind to look after kids, and spent most of her time either in hospital or bed being busy being so called "ill" no doctor ever found anything wrong with her. i spent most my freetime looking after her and my sister.

like any other marriage we have had our ups and downs, but over all it is good, we love each other dearly.

tried the sex councelling thing a while back and as i said it never worked one little bit, i really can't face going back again as she is the only one available to us.

Yes, I mean Mentally unhealthy...

Our childhood's play a BIG part in who we are**
You were emotionally abandoned and did not learn to associate pleasure with love.***
It was a CHORE.

Now what do you do?

1. Be physically healthy. Eat right. Sleep enough. Get exercise. Be the right weight for your age and size.

2. EXPLAIN to your husband that you need some guilt free love and to escape... try a weekend away. Does he love you? Learn to give yourself the "ok" to be pampered...
And just try to relax and enjoy something... it doesn't have to be sex.

3. Next, get a massage and enjoy it. Could be from a masage therapist.

4. have your husband massage you and you him...

5. be intimate in a trusting place with no responsibilities... do the one thing you always wanted or have liked in the past.

6. keep going... it takes time... explain that you both can benefit from a new life...
I would say couples counseling is an option... most of all take 3 hours a week and indulge... and try to share that time: hiking, movies, reading, massage, swimming, bubble bath, sex, a nice meal out or in... with your husband.

Peace

A

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 03:47 PM

1. Be physically healthy. Eat right. Sleep enough. Get exercise. Be the right weight for your age and size.

I am

2. EXPLAIN to your husband that you need some guilt free love and to escape... try a weekend away. Does he love you? Learn to give yourself the "ok" to be pampered...
And just try to relax and enjoy something... it doesn't have to be sex.

We go away a lot we have a caravan and use it most weekends,

3. Next, get a massage and enjoy it. Could be from a masage therapist.

I hate massages, never had or can't afford a proper one though

4. have your husband massage you and you him... tried that and it gave me panick attacks

5. be intimate in a trusting place with no responsibilities... do the one thing you always wanted or have liked in the past. Have no idea what that is

6. keep going... it takes time... explain that you both can benefit from a new life...
I would say couples counseling is an option... most of all take 3 hours a week and indulge... and try to share that time: hiking, movies, reading, massage, swimming, bubble bath, sex, a nice meal out or in... with your husband.

I have no interest in any of those things at all

Synnen · Nov 6, 2007, 04:24 PM

From what I've seen of your answers, you've got some sort of trauma associated with sex. Panic attacks from a massage are NOT a good sign.

Please... see a counselor, a therapist, someone. Start on your own, and then bring your husband with you later.

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 04:42 PM

I can't get to see one the doctors won't send me even if I wanted to after seeing that horrible woman

Synnen · Nov 6, 2007, 04:52 PM

Why not?

Everyone is entitled to a second opinion from a different counselor!

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 05:06 PM

Not like that in the uk though

Synnen · Nov 6, 2007, 05:10 PM

Ah... that sucks.

I really think you need to see another counselor.

Is it possible to talk to someone in your church? I really think you need to see a counselor, and if you weren't satisfied with the one you had--well--can you file a complaint against her?

orgless · Nov 6, 2007, 05:30 PM

OK I don't go to church and yes we did complain about her and reported her, so I really am stuck

Synnen · Nov 6, 2007, 05:49 PM

I personally think there is some sort of psychological trauma that is bothering you, and preventing you from fulling enjoying your married life.

I wish that there were some way for you to see a counselor :(

jbarrington · Nov 6, 2007, 06:31 PM

Not trying to be disrespectful, but I currently can't think of a polite way to say this.

I find it difficult to believe that you have limited or no options left for your well being. There have to be avenues left. There have to be contacts that can guide or direct you to or through the proper channels. Preists, friends that know health professionals, public help telephone numbers.

Xrayman · Nov 6, 2007, 07:14 PM

I noticed that you had no real idea of the clitoris.. not sure if you know now. Any way... Clitoris - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I agree with the above, although you may have some physical issue as well you may need to consult a sexual plastic surgeon-yes they exist! There may be a method to increases the sensitivity of your clitoris-you may have a "hidden" one-there is a kind of circumcision that will expose the clitoris... any way I am finding it hard to locate a ref for you without the pages of FGM coming up. (I hope that this is not the reason-and that we all have underestimated the REAL cause of your Anorgasmia)..

The real issue seems to be related to your sub-concious you may need some personal time (mentally and sexually) to explore yourself.