[Matteus]

I keep thinking to myself over and over, what if I had done this or that, buy her some flowers or a gift to suprise her or something, just to show that she did mean so much to me. We never argued at all. We had little disputes maybe, but nothing serious. I also keep thinking everything is my fault. It probably is.

I want her back, and im hoping she will miss me, and realise that we had something good.

Maybe im just fooling myself.

Doing too much for someone else, is like waiting for their approval. You give everything to them, and than you can't give anything else, cause you have empty hands, if you get my point. Being too attached, also means wanting their approval. Sometimes we have to learn to be independent.

[Sean23]

bad for you! you are in a rebound right now, and you find everything ok. its going to finish as soon as you could say booo. I worry about your new partner. you will be the one who is going to leave her, as soon as your wounds from your ex will be completely healed. Im sorry buddy, but i guess you do the wrong things. You think you can be completely over from your ex, after a 6 years relation. You still talk about her here....

I understand what your saying.

Im not going out with the new girl, we are just getting to know each other abit better before we go any further.

Bare in mind that I haven't seen my ex in 10 weeks now. Might not seem that long, but I have had a lot of help from family and friends, who supported me so much.

I went a through a phase after the break up where I wouldn't even look at another girl because I didn't want it to ruin my chance of getting back with my ex. But people told me I shouldn't think like that. But being told that didn't work. Only time helped me in that respect.

Now, I'm different. I don't love my ex anymore, I know I don't. Because I feel so different to how I used to feel. She isn't the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning anymore.

I know what you mean with regard to me being on the forum still. But I literally just thought "im going to let people know im better now".

This site really helped me, thanks again.

[enigmagnetic]

Sean23 and Matteus,

For the record I wasn't advocating using the "power of jealousy" as a means to get her back. I said it as a warning that she might come back to try and mess with your head because of it. That's why I then said that he should cut her off.

[Sean23]

Ok so I'm back here, and I have gone down hill slightly.

You may want to read my first post if it helps (I was with my ex for 6 years, I'm 23)

Just to update:

- Its been over 4 months since the break up
- I have not seen my ex in person since the break up.
- Im not constantly contacting my ex (she has contacted me twice since my last post here)
- I am still seeing someone new (not official relationship)
- My ex is seeing someone new (she told me on the phone)
- A day has NOT gone past where I haven't thought of my ex
- I don't want my ex back

My last post here was the 18th November 2007. My ex contacted me on the 23rd November (I even remember the date)... We spoke on the phone (looking back I wish I never had taken the call). We were being friendly with the conversation, trying to avoid the past, but that didn't last long.

She said she felt we grew apart (I didn't grow anywhere, she did, not me). She also said she had been contacting someone else in August from work through texting (when I barely saw her) We broke up early September. She then told me she was seeing someone else (not the same guy apparently).. I didn't want to tell her I was seeing someone else, but I did. She said it may her feel upset, but I don't understand why? That was back in November. We ended the phone call amicably.

Up until that phone call I was doing fine, but afterwards I started doing more thinking and I just started getting anrgy, and started resenting her, and I still do now.

She contacted me yesterday through text. (I hadn't heard from here since the November phone call) and I had made no attempt to contact her. She just said Hi, how am I? I told her I was fine, and that I'm not ready for her to be contacting me at the moment. She just replied with "well text me when ur ready".. I told her I'm probably never going to be ready, and that a day had not gone by where I haven't thought of her.

She replied saying "Ok then, well i hope ur alright, even though i know ur not"... that just made me angry, and I sent back saying she has no idea what I have been through, and I told her I resent her, that I don't forgive her for anything, and that I don't want to hear from here ever again.

Well she didn't reply to that. And that was yersterday.

I just feel so much anger towards her now for everything. For wasting my time, for undervaluing our relationship, for not telling me she had a problem, for getting interested in someone from work (she said nothing come of it).

Ive had enough of her on my mind, and don't want her there anymore.

With regard to the new girl. I told her THIS WEEK that I haven't fully healed from my last relationship, and that I need abit of time. She said she understands, but we are still going to see each other (its not an official relationship yet)

Psychologically, I'm not as bad as I used to be, but I feel I should be past the anger stage, and not thinking of my ex everyday, but I still am. I do still get abit upset when I think of the memories of us together, happy.

Now everythign is just a mess.

[Sean23]

UPDATE ^^^^

Also to add, I just don't get why she would contact me now. Its not as if we're going to meet up in the local café and chat, and be "friends". I just don't get it.

[confused25]

Why did she call you? The truth is that nobody knows. She may have called because she wants to remain friends; or she still has feelings for you and wants to check if you do as well; or is feeling guilty that things ended the way they did and wants to make amends in order to make herself feel better. That we could list a hundred different possible reasons but you will never know why she called and the healthiest thing is not to ponder over it. Let go of that question.

Now my friend, it's important that you stay calm when you actually do talk to her. With all due respect I think you handled the phone calls poorly. In my opinion when she gave you the reasons for the break-up you should have acknowledged them and said something like the following:

"I wish you would have told me how you felt sooner because I know we could have worked through these problems. Thats what relationships are about, working through the hard times. Hopefully some day we can try this again because what we had was truly amazing, but right now its clear that we are both going our separate ways and its best it stay like that. For now I just can't be your friend because of the feelings I still have for you so it would be better if we don't contact one another anymore. Maybe in a couple months or years we can start fresh again but for now its best we say goodbye. Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you."

Saying something similar like this would have shown you care about her but also shown that you are capable of going on without her. Think of it as a graceful defeat. Nothing good comes from expressing angry feelings, you're only reinforcing her decision.

For now just go back to NC and move on with your life. She may or may not call again, more then likely considering what happened in the recent events she won't, but hey stranger things have happened. Just don't bet your life on it. Nevertheless, that shouldn't keep you from being happy. It's obvious you have got a lot to offer to a girl, I mean you wouldn't have met someone so quickly who is clearly interested in you if you didn't. Which by the way, please don't string this girl along. I personally do not feel your ready for anything close to a relationship so take things extremely slow with this new girl.

Well I hope this helps you, even if its just a bit. Good luck.

[Sean23]

Thanks very much for the reply.

Yeah, I think we have come to the REAL end now. I don't think our paths will cross again, even if it is just through texting.

She had someone else on the scene the same month we broke up, well I say on the scene, she wasn't sleeping with anyone, but from what I can gather, she was not pushing the attention she was getting from work away from herself. THAT, plus her own problems with myself, no wonder she broke up with me. That's what I believe anyway.

Anyway, I guess the contact we had the other day was the end to our story.

Thanks again.

[wot2do]

I feel for you Sean - I really do - 6 years, I'm going through a similar thing myself at nrly 4 years... At least you know that the reasons she wanted to break things off is because she said she has stopped loving you - that must give you some sort of closure if nothing else.

[confused25]

This is all definitely a difficult situation and I am really sorry that you have to go through this. But listen Sean, don't let it all be in vain. Allow yourself to be angry and sad for a moment, but then seize that moment and learn from it all.

Lesson 1: Communication Is Important:

She said the reason for the break up was because you two grew apart. Well the next time you are in a relationship every now and then (don't over do this, maybe once every six months) ask your lady if she is happy with how everything is going, not just with regards to the relationship but her life in general and if there is anything you can do to make things better. Communication is key throughout the duration of a relationship.


Lesson 2: Be Graceful in Defeat

Face it, this will more then likely not be the last time you get dumped. That includes a lot of other people on this board, even me. Hopefully the next girl you find is the "one," but just in case she isn't and she dumps you learn to be calm and collected when you're heart is broken. If there is ever any chance of you two getting back together then you must take what she tells you like a grown man and walk away with your head held high. I recommend you follow the "Break-Up" guide that someone posted on this forum earlier--its very good.


These are just two things I believe you can learn from this, but I'm sure there are a lot more, including all the ups and downs that came during your relationship. Lessons such as these will make you a better person for the next individual that walks into your life.

No one knows what the future will hold, your ex-girlfriend may or may not come back. If she calls or text stay calm and say something similar to what I recommended earlier. Unfortunately, the truth is that exes usually don't come back. I just recently got dumped and something keeps telling me she will eventually come back because how can such a strong bond fall apart? But the painful reality is that even the strongest bonds break apart and she won't be coming back, and no amount of hoping will change that. It's something I'm still trying to accept.

In the end time will heal all wounds... it always does.

[talaniman]

Hard as it is for you now, it will get better.

[vivia12]

I keep thinking to myself over and over, what if I had done this or that, buy her some flowers or a gift to suprise her or something, just to show that she did mean so much to me. We never argued at all. We had little disputes maybe, but nothing serious. I also keep thinking everything is my fault. It probably is.

I want her back, and im hoping she will miss me, and realise that we had something good.

Maybe im just fooling myself.

You are in the early stages, give it some time believe me you'll thank yourself later with NC

[vivia12]

When your ex isn't the first thing in your mind when you wake up in the morning,that's healing!

I understand what your saying.

Im not going out with the new girl, we are just getting to know each other abit better before we go any further.

Bare in mind that I havent seen my ex in 10 weeks now. Might not seem that long, but i have had alot of help from family and friends, who supported me so much.

I went a through a phase after the break up where i wouldnt even look at another girl because I didnt want it to ruin my chance of getting back with my ex. But people told me I shouldnt think like that. But being told that didnt work. Only time helped me in that respect.

Now, im different. I dont love my ex anymore, i know I dont. Because i feel so different to how I used to feel. She isnt the first thing on my mind when i wake up in the morning anymore.

I know what you mean with regard to me being on the forum still. But i literally just thought "im going to let people know im better now".

This site really helped me, thanks again.

[vivia12]

Hey sean,'just checking on you how are you feeling?
Are things better now?

[Sean23]

Well me and the new girl are now in a relationship which started recently. We get on really well, and I can't see any reason why it should end in the near future. Some people may feel I'm on the rebound still, but I don't believe I am. I have thought long and hard about getting involved with someone else, and it has been a great decision so far. I am glad I was "seeing" her and got to know her enough before we made it official as I did still feel a tiny bit of pain from the break up (That was over 5 months ago now, I can't believe it) and I knew it would have been wrong for me to get involved with her properly with pain still there, so I waited to make it a proper relationship.

She is such a good person, happy, and she makes me happy, and I can't believe that I'm with someone with whom I feel a bond with already. (5 months ago I said to myself I wouldn't get with someone again for a long time). But you never know what's round the corner. And I'm glad she was.

With regard to the ex, well... I expirienced a large amount of resentment to her in early January. But there is no point holding those feeling because it doesn't do any good. I don't wish to here from her again, and don't want to see her again. But I will admit she is on my mind a couple of times per day, but I'm not going to let the ghost of my ex ruin something I have with this new girl.

Im happy now, I've been going out more, seeing my friends more, and just enjoying myself. Just look at my first ever post in this thread, and see how far I have come.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, its just getting there that's the hard part.

[Sean23]

Ive had enough of this now. Psychological torture my brain keeps putting me through. I am in a relationship with someone new, its been 2 months and everything is fine, but I cannot rid myself of the memories my ex . She in my mind a lot these days, more then once per day.

In fact, I was doing fine a few weeks ago, I wasn't thinking of her much at all, up until recently when a relative of mine said they had seen my ex with another guy holding hands. They said that occurred back in January, but didn't tell me about it until now because they didn't think I could handle it back then.

I have no emotions towards my ex anymore, I'm not sad or angry, its just this constant barrage of thoughts that enter my head on a daily basis. I don't want her there anymore, its annoying me in fact, and my head even starts to hurt to be honest.

People I speak to say its natural, and I have to rememer I was with her for along time, but I am fed up with this now. I haven't seen my ex in over half a year now, so why is my brain doing this?

It seems to happen when I'm not busy, or when Im just driving in my car, or laying on my bed doing nothing. When I'm with my friends, or current girlfriend, the thoughts are not there.

HELP!

[talaniman]

Relax dude, In time it gets better so don't frustrate yourself because she pops into your head. Just refocus and pop her out. That's how the rest of us do it. Geez, I still get haunted by exes from 40 years ago. Not worth beating yourself over the head about.

[Sean23]

OK well Im back here again, hoping for some advice.

Ive been with my current girlfriend for almost 5 months now, and everything is going well. We don't argue, I've met her family who are friendly, and me and her have a lot of fun together. But I still think about my ex a lot, not a day has gone by where she hasn't been on my mind. I don't choose to have her in my mind, if I could have it my way I would wipe her from my memory completely, and it is affecting my current relationship abit now.

Looking back I do feel I maybe I have started something too soon, don't get me wrong, I don't want to break up with my girlfriend now, but I think it will be a struggle for me to become in love with her (at least for a while yet). Ive explained this to my girlfriend that it may take a while to develop those types of feelings for her, and she understands and is giving me time. The fact that my ex is still on my mind is not a good thing though, and I sometimes still have anger towards her.

I have discussed this with my current girlfriend and she understands, but feels sorry for me because she hates that Im still having to deal with this now. In fact its 9 months today when the relationship with my previous girlfriend ended.

I really do like my current girlfriend but I feel like because I do not love her yet, and because it may be a long time until I am in love, that this will eventually affect the relationship. I know I shouldn't let the memories of my ex ruin something new. Im concsiously aware that perhaps I'm not showing as much affection to my new girlfriend as a person would expect in a new relationship and she is picking up on this.

She has patience and understanding but ultimatley if she doesn't feel fully loved at some point she may stop the relationship.

I never really 'had it out' with my ex, e.g... I never phoned her up when I found out the truth about her to get things off my chest. I find myself with so much stuff I want too say to her still about the break up and everything surrounding it, but I know that too much time has passed to contact her now, although I do get tempted some nights to speak to her about what happened, and why. We haven't had contact since January (through text).

It seems I still have some issues with regard to what happened to me and her, and I've bought these into a new relationship, and its starting to affect it.

What have I done!!

[liz28]

For closure you could write a letting go letter with all your feelings and then burn it. You might feel this way because you never express how how behavior affected you but contact her. This method worked for me and hope it can help with you.

You should have neve involved someone in your life if your heart not in and your not over your ex. She accepts this but I'm sure hurts her and she deals with it in hopes of you coming around.

Leave your ex in the past and you might not forget but forgive her because her behavior reflects what type of person she was, do you think she cared or cares about you today no. One part of accepting a relationship is over is letting go the past.

[Matteus]

OK well Im back here again, hoping for some advice.

Ive been with my current girlfriend for almost 5 months now, and everything is going well. We dont argue, ive met her family who are friendly, and me and her have a lot of fun together. But I still think about my ex alot, not a day has gone by where she hasnt been on my mind. I dont choose to have her in my mind, if I could have it my way I would wipe her from my memory completly, and it is affecting my current relationship abit now.

Looking back I do feel I maybe I have started something too soon, dont get me wrong, I dont want to break up with my girlfriend now, but I think it will be a struggle for me to become in love with her (at least for a while yet). Ive explained this to my girlfriend that it may take a while to develop those types of feelings for her, and she understands and is giving me time. The fact that my ex is still on my mind is not a good thing tho, and I sometimes still have anger towards her.

I have discussed this with my current girlfriend and she understands, but feels sorry for me because she hates that Im still having to deal with this now. In fact its 9 months today when the relationship with my previous girlfriend ended.

I really do like my current girlfriend but I feel like because I do not love her yet, and because it may be a long time until I am in love, that this will eventually affect the relationship. I know I shouldnt let the memories of my ex ruin something new. Im concsiously aware that perhaps im not showing as much affection to my new girlfriend as a person would expect in a new relationship and she is picking up on this.

She has patience and understanding but ultimatley if she doesnt feel fully loved at some point she may stop the relationship.

I never really 'had it out' with my ex, eg... i never phoned her up when i found out the truth about her to get things off my chest. I find myself with so much stuff I want too say to her still about the break up and everything surrounding it, but I know that too much time has passed to contact her now, although I do get tempted some nights to speak to her about what happend, and why. We havent had contact since January (through text).

It seems I still have some issues with regard to what happend to me and her, and ive bought these into a new relationship, and its starting to affect it.

What have I done !!!

You already have the answer. Do not talk to your girlfriend about your ex anymore. That will make the thing easier for your new girl, and will help you stop thinking about your ex in the future (as you won't find someone to talk with about your ex, and those "feelings" will wither, slowly, but for real). If you keep talking about her, all you do, is feed up your memories, and its like you come to day 1 again and again.

[talaniman]

That's why you heal before you try the relationship thing again, you can see you need that time to resolve your feelings for the ex before you bring those UNRESLOVED feelings (baggage) to another relationship.

Another thing to be wary of is your all ready laying a load in someone's lap, and evn bringing more guilt and assumptions to your own head by the false expectations you've built in this relationship, and especially expecting, to find love so soon after a break up to replace the lost love, and moving to fast in this relationship.

Come clean, and start being honest with yourself, and you don't have to worry about hurting someone else because your trying to ease the pain, of love lost.