Ask Me Help Desk - Finding it so hard.

My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me recently. She said she had been feeling differently about me for a while now, maybe 8 months or so. She said she fell out of love with me, and it seemed to me she was just waiting for me to do something wrong so she could end it with me.

That day came when apparently she said I had been acting differently towards her, but I don't think I was. She just came out with it over the phone that maybe she wanted to break up with me. I couldn't believe it. Over about 4 weeks she was being cold with me, no cuddles or kisses, we didn't even have make love for over the 4 weeks. One day I just said to her, do you want to break up with me honestly, and she said yes.

She broke up with me, and for about 3 weeks, I was contacting her constantly (phone calls, emails, texts), trying to 'get her back', but she wasn't interested. I was so down because we weren't together anymore that I decided to cut contact, but it only lasted 2 weeks. She sent me a message to see how I was, and we got communicating again. To cut this short, she basically told me that she wants to be friends, but I don't want to be friends. Not after 6 years. I text her over the weekend, but she didn't reply.

I haven't seen her face to face in about 7 weeks now. ( 4 weeks of trying to get her back 2weeks no contact, this week). I told her I won't contact her again unless she contacts me, but I miss her so much, and I'm trying so hard not to contact her. I want her back so much, but she doesn't seem interested, and I can't be her friend. She is always on my mind, and I blame myself for her breaking up with. She told me she was unhappy in the relationship for a while, but I didn't even know. I feel like such a bad boyfriend even though I was always faithful to her and was never horrible to her.

I also found out recently that a bloke from her work fancies her, and he is texting her, but she tells me nothing has come of it. Im also worried she is in a relationship already, but again she tells me she is not, but I sometimes feel she is telling me she isn't just to spare my feelings. But in my heart I don't think she is with anyone but I could be wrong.

If we have contact again, I'm going to tell her either we get back together, and try again, or we never have contact again.

I still love her too, and feel like no one compares to her, and I don't even want to talk to another girl just in case it jeopardises my chance of getting her back

What shall I do?

People grow apart sometimes in relationships, and it isn't always someone's fault.

You want her back, she doesn't sound like she wants to come back. You are going to have to let go.

You have said that you were faithful and never horrible to her, how could that possibly make you a bad boyfriend? Eventually once you have healed from this you will find a great girl who recognizes the importance of the traits that you have. Its your ex's loss.

You have to stop finding information out about her and what she is doing. You have already said that you can't be friends with her (at least not any time soon). She is single now, and she has every right to flirt/see someone else unfortunately. Your goal is to not pry for information on this kind of stuff as its going to eat you from the inside out.

If you are very set in the idea of getting back together with her, pushing it on her should be the last option you should choose. After 6 years people sometimes grow stagnant. You need to get yourself happy at this moment in time, so that whether she comes back or not you are strong and happy with your life. I know a lot of this sounds like clichéd BS but this is your chance to fix anything you want to about yourself, and your life. No better chance to rebuild yourself up, when you are at rock bottom.

She isn't going to tell you if she 'fancies' this guy back at work, as not a lot of people are that cruel. She is going to say there is nothing going on whether there is or isn't. Go read some other questions where the guy has said "Shes talking to this guy but she says nothing is going on" and then keep reading. Eventually it comes to light that something is going on and the poster is heartbroken. Skip this whole step all together!

Thanks very much for the reply. Its basically what my friends and family have been saying to me as well.

I wish I could just go see her now, but I know it would be the wrong thing to do. We even discussed getting married (in the future) this year, and in the same year we break up... I just don't get.

Ive read messages like yours time and time again here. A lot of times the ex wants to be 'friends.' Who knows why. Perhaps it is the familiarity, the security net you are if things go wrong, the backup plan as such. Maybe they generally want to remain friends with you. For the dumpee who is an emotional storm it is not good to remain in contact with the ex. Why?

Well the reasons are obvious for any self respecting person.

No amount of begging or contacting will make any difference. The more pushing you do the more the ex will pull away. Nobody likes a needy, depressed person. They like a happy, indepdendent person. Perhaps the spark faded. How do you get that back? Well you can't.

The only sure way you will be able to be happy in life is by moving on with it. You probably won't forget your ex but your be able to have a happy life one day. By doing no contact you will remove the confusion that is your ex. Don't be stringed along to one day find she has a new bit on the side. Stay away from the grape vine and eliminate all forms of contact. Put all the old memories and mementos in a box and let it dust away. Maybe one day you will be friends maybe more but go NC now for your own emotional state. You didn't brake up in any harsh way and there is nothing wrong with you, we are all unique. So maybe there will be a chance in the future. But get happy first.

You may want to tell your ex that 'its best we don't talk for a while so I can move on with my life.' Or something similar. That is a reasonable request.

Things won't allways be painful either! Trust me, trust others on the board. Concentrate on you for now, stay away from dating for a while and get back to being you. Do things you allways wanted to do, meet new people, try a new sport and get real FIT and beef up. The best revenge is to be happy and do it for you, not for you ex.

STAY BUSY!

You might want to read my guide below (in my signature).

It sounds like you chased a bit hard after the break...

Time to let go and let life take over buddy.

Ash, I think you are right. I even said to her "will you ever get back with me"... a few days after we broke up. So stupid.

I just always felt we would live out what we said to each other in the relationship. Buying a house, marriage, children. And now none of those will happen. Im only 23 I know, but I felt she was the one.

It's ok.

It's normal to chase when we are in love and caught off-guard.

You will survive.

You may not believe it. But you will.

I keep thinking to myself over and over, what if I had done this or that, buy her some flowers or a gift to surprise her or something, just to show that she did mean so much to me. We never argued at all. We had little disputes maybe, but nothing serious. I also keep thinking everything is my fault. It probably is.

I want her back, and I'm hoping she will miss me, and realise that we had something good.

Maybe I'm just fooling myself.

There's nothing you could do... first mistake every breakee makes is thinking it's all their fault... it's an attempt to control. It's normal.

Don't keep dwelling on the things that you feel you've done wrong.

I recently went through a similar situation and I would keep asking myself the same questions, what if I had done this or that. What did I do wrong, how could I have prevented the breakup. After a while those questions started eating me alive. I had to take a step back and realize that I had done nothing wrong. Sometimes it just happens.

Try to focus on yourself right now. Go out with friends, find a new hobby, basically just keep busy. You'll find that after a while you will think of her less and less, and when you do think of her it won't hurt as much. It will take some time (believe me!) but you WILL get there and you will find yourself again.

And you are wise to not want to remain friends with her. All that would do is hinder your healing. No contact is always the best way to go.

I know how you feel man, just try to keep yourself busy. NC works great. Make sure you remove her completely out of your life as much as you can. It gets easier I promise. I am going through something similar. It hurts everyday, but why would you want someone that doesn't want you in the same way? Don't let her play you. Just move on on the outside. Keep your emotions to yourself. It will make it better for you in the long run. I am sorry you are going though this, work on yourself and think about all the good things about you and you will be fine.

First, Im really sorry your going through this, Its one of the worst things in the world to go though...
Sounds a lot like how my relationship ended with my ex, If she said she don't love you, then there's nothing you can do.. Do what little firefly said, that's the BEST thing you can do.

Sometimes its just best to let go!

Also: Something I relised and your doing the same as I did... Blamming yourself because she was unhappy.. But you, Just like me.. Didn't KNOW.
So its her fult for not being open and honest, How can you blame yourself for that?
Finaly: Your never going to work anything out with her unless your in the right frame of mind.. Hence work on yourself first..
Old saying: If you let something go and it comes back to you its yours, If it don't come back It was never yours to begin with...

Eitherway, it will get better. It don't feel like its going to get better right now because, You feel you will never be able to cope, You feel everything is lost and allways will be and that no one will ever be able to compare to her...
This won't last for ever.. Don't worrie! It does get easyer!
Time heals all wonds!
If your feeling really bad, As much as you think a DR won't help they do...
You got to help yourself too though, It won't do it all its self!
Good luck,
Thinking of you :)

Hello everyone. Here is the update on this:

I haven't contacted the Ex in 10 days now, doesn't sound like much, but its been a very long 10 days. Ive had a good days (where I haven't thought about her much at all), and of course the bad days (where I just want to pick up the phone and talk to her). Usually when I'm not busy.

11 days ago we were texting each other. But the 2 weeks before that day, we had no contact.

The past 2 days have been hard. Ive missed her loads, and still feel like I want her back, and want to pick up the phone and just remind her that I still want her. But then again, other days, I feel I do not need her back, and I'm happy as I am. It just depends.

I hate the fact that she is probably getting on with her life, not even given me a second thought, whilst I'm having to deal with all these feelings and emotions. Its so unfair.

We were together for 6 years, and she is probably acting like it was 6 months. I still couldn't deal with her being with someone else (IF that was the case).

But I will keep battling on.

Cheers.

I also keep thinking in the following way:

If I talk to a girl, show light interest, it may jeopardise my chance of getting back with my ex. I know its been 8 weeks now. I just believe maybe she will contact me to say she misses me. I know it's a silly way to think. And I'm just fooling myself.

Sean23, man listen I am in a similar situation. I feel for you man. I really do. It is so hard to try to understand why our partners turn into someone completely different. I have no idea who my exgf is now. She is so cruel. It has been 3 months since the breakup and 2 weeks since I last communicated with her. She has been trying to be mean with me about a pet of ours, which is hers actually. I am so upset with her, but even though she has tried to call and text I will not reply. NC is the only thing that is respectful at this point. She is just out to hurt me as much as possible, and I do believe your ex will do the same thing. Don't let her. Have some self respect. Keep NC in place. I know its hard, but it will be better in the end. She will just completely take your emotions for a ride. It is not fair how girls act. I am so upset but still will not break NC until she is wanting to get back together period. Anything else is not worth my time. Also I am starting to doubt if I even want her anymore. She is not the same person I have known for 5 1/2 years. That person would never do this crap to hurt me, and who she is now is not who I am in love with. Ask yourself, if the person you are with doesn't want you as much as you want them, and doesn't put in at least half into the relationship, why would you want to put in all when she is doing nothing? It makes no since to me. I hope you feel better, keep strong and busy. It helps.

Hello everyone, just an update on this.

I haven't seen my ex face to face in about 10 weeks (when she broke up with me)
I was chasing her for a month after that.
I went no contact for two weeks, but couldn't deal with it.
Tried no contact again the day after, and have NOT had contact in about 30 days now.

All I can say is, if you want to get over your ex, you HAVE to go no contact. I found it so hard, but I did it, and it has paid off. I am now completely over my ex (we were together for 6 years). The whole experience has made me stronger, and has taught me so much. I thought it would take me until the new year, but it hasn't, and I'm happy.

I now have someone else who is interested in me, and life couldn't be better.

Be strong everyone. I thought my ex was the One, but Im no longer blinded by love, and I can now see everything for what it was, and I don't want her anymore.

Just thought I'd share this. Thanks for your help. This site is a life saver.

Glad you found peace and new days!

Be mindful that part of the "course/plan" is to avoid relapse. So, while you are in the first 90-120 days be mindful to stay focused and not let a stray note/text deraill you until you are 100% clear-headed.

A

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

Hello everyone, just an update on this.

I havent seen my ex face to face in about 10 weeks (when she broke up with me)
I was chasing her for a month after that.
I went no contact for two weeks, but couldnt deal with it.
Tried no contact again the day after, and have NOT had contact in about 30 days now.

All i can say is, if you want to get over your ex, you HAVE to go no contact. I found it so hard, but i did it, and it has payed off. I am now completly over my ex (we were together for 6 years). The whole experience has made me stronger, and has taught me so much. I thought it would take me until the new year, but it hasnt, and im happy.

I now have someone else who is interested in me, and life couldnt be better.

Be strong everyone. I thought my ex was the One, but Im no longer blinded by love, and I can now see everthing for what it was, and I dont want her anymore.

Just thought i'd share this. Thanks for your help. This site is a life saver.

Yeah if she gets wind of the fact you found another girl, she may come a running faster than you think. Nothing like the power of jealousy. Cut her off, you're clearly better off without her at this point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me recently. She said she had been feeling differently about me for a while now, maybe 8 months or so. She said she fell out of love with me, and it seemed to me she was just waiting for me to do something wrong so she could end it with me.

That day came when apparently she said i had been acting differently towards her, but i dont think i was. She just came out with it over the phone that maybe she wanted to break up with me. I couldnt believe it. Over about 4 weeks she was being cold with me, no cuddles or kisses, we didnt even have make love for over the 4 weeks. One day i just said to her, do you want to break up with me honestly, and she said yes.

I say, you love someone, you love their decisions. You love her and she wants out, you let her go out. You can't make someone stay, because you want it, or because you feel down. Even telling her you are going to change, makes the things worse, and amplifies her thoughts about you. People usually want what they can't have. She had you, she didn't wanted you. She goes out, she doesn't have you, and she wants you back (another subject if she wants you as a boyfriend back, or as a friend back).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

She broke up with me, and for about 3 weeks, i was contacting her constantly (phone calls, emails, texts), trying to 'get her back', but she wasnt interested. I was so down because we werent together anymore that i decided to cut contact, but it only lasted 2 weeks. She sent me a message to see how I was, and we got communicating again. To cut this short, she basically told me that she wants to be friends, but I dont want to be friends. Not after 6 years. I text her over the weekend, but she didnt reply.

You texted her, but you didn't told us what you texted. Maybe because of that she didn't replied. Anyway, her text was nothing but being kind to you. Sometimes, we miss people, they may have been our parents, sisters, friends, etc, but that doesn't mean we have the feeling of "bf/gf" toward them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

I told her I wont contact her again unless she contacts me

You do the ultimatums, but is that good? You can't make someone change their way for you or because of your need to "have a contact from her".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

but I miss her so much, and im trying so hard not to contact her. I want her back so much, but she doesnt seem interested, and I can't be her friend. She is always on my mind, and I blame myself for her breaking up with. She told me she was unhappy in the relationship for a while, but I didnt even know. I feel like such a bad boyfriend even though I was always faithful to her and was never horrible to her.

We all miss our exs but you have to resist on the temptation to contact her. Let her make the pace of this new situation. Don't act like a dog, chasing and going after her. Its called reverse psychology. When you try to manipulate other people's actions to do something for you, they resist to you, and will do absolutely the oppossite thing. You are a manipulative human, as I see, and have co-dependency issues. You don't need to do horrible things to her, in order for her to go away. You may be tooo nice, and she still goes away. This situation has no tension. Its part of the game. You chase, she goes. You stop chasing, she comes back. Because she feels the white tension and the challenge in you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

I also found out recently that a bloke from her work fancies her, and he is texting her, but she tells me nothing has come of it. Im also worried she is in a relationship already, but again she tells me she is not, but i sometimes feel she is telling me she isnt just to spare my feelings. But in my heart I dont think she is with anyone but i could be wrong.

Stop stalking her. Sometimes, when we don't ask too much, to others it seems like we are not interested, and we don't need their approval. That is challenge. ASking her about her relations, is a need of you for information. Stop being needy! You should stop being so attached to her. When you are too attached to someone, its like you need their company. That is no challenge buddy. There is no attraction. And the attraction is the first RULE in the game of love.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

If we have contact again, im going to tell her either we get back together, and try again, or we never have contact again.

I still love her too, and feel like no one compares to her, and i dont even want to talk to another girl just incase it jeopardises my chance of getting her back

What shall I do?

Stop making ultimatums. Let her make the pace in this new situation. Stop being attached and needy to her. You have to tell yourself you don't need her company, she should be the one! Im not saying go after some other girl, or do the other tricks to win her back. You are not going to win her back, whatever you do. Don't ingnore her, thinking that it will make her miss you, or whatever you may think its going to do. Don't go on NC, because others told you to do. Just stay there, like indifferent to her. She talks, you talk to her. She reaches you out, you talk to her. Let her do the pace.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sean23

I now have someone else who is interested in me, and life couldnt be better.

Bad for you! You are in a rebound right now, and you find everything OK. Its going to finish as soon as you could say booo. I worry about your new partner. You will be the one who is going to leave her, as soon as your wounds from your ex will be completely healed. Im sorry buddy, but I guess you do the wrong things. You think you can be completely over from your ex, after a 6 years relation. You still talk about her here...