[cauchy]

I had a question, and I think I found the answere. You guys are right, I cannot ask a man to be my "friend" if I know he has feelings for me. Even If he says he wants to, I must stay away. Is this correct, guys? I really like talking to him, but I know he likes me, and I am committed elsewhere, so should I just stop talking to him? This is the right thing to do, right? You guys as men, tell me the correct answere. I don't want to torment him, but I must admit, that the idea of never talking to him again makes me feel terrible, but I know it must be the right thing to do.

[Skell]

Don't do no contact with the hope of getting her back. Despite what others here will tell it is wrong and BS. No contact isn't to bring her back.
What it will do is give you chance to begin healing. Begin moving forward in a positive direction. You'll learn a lot about yourself and who you were and want to be.
It will be a huge learning curve and something that you will actually look back and be glad that you went through it in some ways.

Despite what others here preach no contact won't mean you will get her back and have a healthy relationship. They kid themselves. They are caught in their own self pity.

What no contact will do is should she come back and should you still want something with her (and that is very rare) you will hopefully have changed and learnt enough to make it work the second time around. It will take a lot of hard work though and the odds of her even coming back are slim.

Do yourself a favour and stop acting and doing things based on what you think she will do or say. Do things that are best for you. Look after yourself and concentrate on getting your life back on track. She doesn't care about you anymore. Why should you care about her??

[mik2007]

Hello everyone,

If you know anything about me and my past posts on this site then you know how my situation goes. If not then I will give you the short version. I am (23) and I dated a girl (22) for 5 years and she went away this summer and while she was gone she wanted a break from us. During the break she messed around with a guy out there and basically wanted the break so she could experience others and live the single life to "spread her wings" so to speak. She called me crying weeks before before she was coming home and was willing to give it another try but when she did get home she changed her mind and ended up breaking up with me for good. She told me that I am amazing in every way but she doesn't see herself marrying me but still wants me to be in her life but not in that way.

Since she has been home I have not called her or emailed or anything and 3 days later she called me to ask if I am doing okay. I recently went to her place to pick up some of my things and she was there in the basement. She said if you want to come say hi I will be in the basement. I picked up my things and didn't even bother saying hi to her. When I got home I had an email waiting for me where she said things like I miss you and still want you in my life but your role won't be the same. She said that she hasent done this break up thing before (because I am her first boyfriend) and that she is looking to me for the answers. She said she is willing to do whatever I want her to do... no contact, meet in a couple of weeks or months or whatever but we can't be together and she just wants to be friends. I wrote her back days later and told her I still want her in my life but I have feelings for her so therefore talking isn't the right thing to do right now. I sent the email a week ago and haven't talked or seen her since. She never had lots of friends while we were together and being away all summer really boosted her self confidence. So since she came home she has meet some friends and has been going out partying, going crazy loving the single life. She writes little things on Facebook and msn on how she is loving being single and it seems like she is a totally different person. Her family doesn't know who she is anymore and is very annoyed with her.

I still love her and still have feelings for her. I go out and have great times with friends and continue to have no contact with her. I want to talk to her again but I don't think being friends is going to work. When I read the things she writes about her loving being single or random hookups she has had or writing that she has a crush on someone or see pictures online of her going out partying it hurts because we have been broken up for 2 weeks and it doesn't seem that she is feeling the least bit sad about losing me in her life. Even after almost 6 years she doesn't seem to be sad or think about me at all. She might be thinking about me I don't know. Everyone tells me that I am doing the right thing in having NO CONTACT with her so she can feel the void of me not there in her life. But with everything she is doing it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know if she thinks about me or misses me at all because she tells me she misses me and how this breakup is hard to do. But she will go out and party hard doing god knows what and it seems like she doesn't care anymore. My question is... I still love her and would love for things to go back to how they were but what else can I do to make her see what she lost? Should I talk to her in a few weeks and just minimize the contact so she can start thinking about me again? Please anything would be more than helpful!

[Jiser]

Ill say it to your honestly: She's confused and doesn't no what she wants. You are the fammiliarity in her life, the safety net. Go no contact for your own sanity and let the emotional dust settle.

[talaniman]

You've already asked this question and gotten answers so te only thing you can do is do not contact her and don't let her contact you, so you can eventually heal and deal with life with a clear head. How much clearer can she be, its over so accept it.

[mik2007]

Hey everyone,

I am needing a little advice with something that is going to happen in a few days and I justw ant to be prepared for it. If you know me and my previous posts then you know my story. If not please check my previous posts. Now since my breakup and horrible summer that happened, my ex has contacted me asking if I am all right. I would tell her no and she would tell me that we shouldn't talk for two weeks. I said fine and didn't talk to her for a week. By the end of the week she emailed me saying that she is missing me and still wants us to be good friends like we are but we can't be together. She then told me that she is looking to me for the answers to handling this breakup and told me that anything I needed her to do she will do. I wrote her back and told her that since I still have feelings for her talking isn't the right thing right now. 3 weeks went by and I have been doing better but I still miss her from time to time. When your with someone for almost 6 years it is very hard to just lose your feelings towards that person. During the no contact she has been going out with friends and seems like she is having a great time, and I have been doing the same but still hurt over it and misses her a lot. I know that the person who does the dumping is not going to feel as bad and the one who has been dumped, but I don't know how she feels behind closed doors. I wanted no contact because that way I can heal faster and give her time to feel the void so to speak. And I have been feeling better about this but I still miss talking to her and still miss being with her as anyone would.

So after 3 weeks I decided to write her and ask her if she would like to go grab a drink sometime, just to see how her reaction would be. And she wrote me back saying that she is glad to hear from me and that she would definitely like to grab a drink and that she is looking forward to talking to me. So we are meeting this Monday and I am kind of nervous of how to go about this. Can anyone give me some pointers or advice on what not to talk about and how to act when I see her. I still love her and would like to reconnect again but I know I shouldn't talk about that too her. Any help would be great!

[talaniman]

Never talk of getting back together, and don't have any expectation that she will, or has changed her mind. You have let false hope cloud your judgements and action.

[GlindaofOz]

I agree with Talaniman.

I think that you are thinking that you are going to be able to walk into this meeting and win her back. It seems to me that she is only interested in re-establishing a friendship. Unfortunately, that is territory you cannot walk in since you are still in love with her and have hopes to reconnect romantically.

I think you are setting yourself up in a bad way with this.

[mik2007]

Hey everyone, if you know me you know my story. If you don't please check my previous posts but the short version is that I dated a girl for 5 1/2 years and she broke up with me a month ago and I still love her. I still hold the same feelings for her but have been doing the whole no contract thing since the breakup. We have talked like twice since the breakup once we went for drinks and twice I saw her at the mall. Her birthday is coming up and my question is do you think it would be okay to get her a birthday gift? A birthday card? Or just call and say happy birthday to her. If you need insight into my story please take a look at my previous posts. Please give feedback

[Emland]

This is just my opinion. Card OK, no gift.

[Jiser]

? Why she's your ex.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

I would say a call MIGHT be okay. But that might almost be pushing it. I don't even remember when my ex's birthday is. LOL.

[ForeverZero]

Please, I'm asking you nicely.

Please don't do it. Don't do anything. This isn't an act of hostility, however every reasonable person should expect that after so long a time dating, and such short time being apart that you'd want time to yourself.

Don't do anything. Weather or not you make an effort for her birthday isn't going to affect the situation to such a degree that it makes a difference. I had this same issue after me ex dumped me, and her birthday came up, I settled on a happy birthday text message, but she never replied. Ultimately what you need to realize is that it is over, and I know you've heard this 60 million times from 20 million people but take it from me, as one more person that understands your situation. Just go about your business and try not to do anything on her birthday. It'll be hard and you'll feel like you're throwing away your best shot, but you're not.

One more thought. Her birthday shouldn't consume your life. You're not together. Do you treat your regular friends' birthdays this way? If so, can I be your friend? I need a new stereo. Otherwise, it's time to actively start shifting the way you think of her from your girlfriend to just another person in your life.

[jeffatl]

No gift, no call, no card... let it go.

[ChihuahuaMomma]

Yes sirree... Focus on you now, this is YOU time... Forget her.. She's in the past. Let it pass.

[crushedovernover]

well I don't know the whole situation but there could be extrme circumstances.. for example my X b-day is coming up in a few months. We recently split and her twin brother was my best friend who died and then his twin sis and I had a kid so I don't know what I will do. Def won't be any gift. But it is my best friend who died b day as well so it would only be moral to send one in my case. Unless you have extreme circumstances like that don't do anything. You think she would do it for you, if so thinik again

[talaniman]

Its my ex's birthday.should i get her a gift?

NO! Forget her.

[mik2007]

Well the last time that we talked I asked her if she had any plans for her birthday. So I can't make the excuse of just forgetting about her b-day or that I don't care because I asked her about it. I know I shouldn't care what she thinks anymore but because of the feelings being too strong I feel that calling her to say happy birthday can't be that wrong. Can't it?

[mik2007]

Hey everyone, Well its been two months since the breakup and things have been both good and bad. I have see her twice since the breakup and each time I saw her it was harder and harder. 2 weeks ago she came into my work, I know she had to have seen me but she didn't come over to say hello. I found that odd but maybe she doesn't want to talk to me cause it makes her sad?. I don't know. But I went over there and said hi to her and she seemed happy to see me but its really hard to think of things to talk about. The next week it was thanksgiving (I live in canada) and I decided to send her an email saying happy thanksgiving. She wrote me back wishing me the same and asked how everything is going. I wrote her back but I haven't gotten a reply. I found that odd. So pretty much its me making the effort and not her. Which I know I shouldn't do.

She's been going out with a new group of friends and met a guy who is a lot older than her and lives out of town. He is a friends cousin I think. He wants to date her but she said no because he lives out of town. It hurts me to hear that this is going on and I know that I shouldn't really care, but I just hurt because when we broke up she told me that she thinks she has commitment issues and is afraid to commit, but has interest in someone this early in the breakup. I don't get it really! Her birthday is today and I debated to get her something. Everyone told me not to get her anything or do anything, so I didn't. Her moms birthday was before hers and I got her some flowers. She called me that night thanking me for them crying on the phone saying that she is missing me. After 6 years of always being there and then out of nowhere not be there anymore it hurts a lot. I wanted to get my ex something or even give her a call but it didn't seem like there would be any point to it. I am thinking that the reason why she is hanging out with this new guy is maybe because no one agrees with her in what she did and she is rebelling so to speak.

With more holidays coming up and events like our anniversary its not going to get better. I read a lot of posts on this site and most of them talk about them and their ex's calling each other up and emailing back and fourth. But I am not getting that. I don't want her out of my life but I know that keeping no contact is the smartest thing to do. But it just seems that the more I do that the worse I feel and it doesn't get better. She doesn't seem like she cares and I don't know how someone can turn off feelings about someone after 6 years that easily. But I don't know how she is behind closed doors and maybe she is doing the no contact thing also. I still love her but I am just not sure what else I can do. I want to keep contact because the more I am there the better chance I have to getting her back but I know it would just make me feel worse. This is just very hard to handle!!

[Jiser]

The more your there the more chance you have of getting back with her? Common surely you have more sense than that. No Contact is the only true way of getting your 'life' back.