[mik2007]

Multiple threads merged

Well here is my story... I met my girlfriend when I was in grade 12 and she was in grade 11. We got together and clicked instantly. She has never been anyone except for me and I have been her first for everything except her first kiss. We have been dating now for 5 1/2 years and are really in love. She wanted to go away for the summer to visit family and has been gone for 4 weeks now. For the 5 1/2 years we have been together we have had ups and downs but mostly ups. We treat each other great and barely argue or anything. We have a strong sex life together but for the last month before she left we have been lacking in the physical dept. because we have been busy with school and work and are always tired. When she left for the summer we left on great terms and I thought everything was great and with her taking this time apart for the summer it will strengthen what we have and make our relationship better. The first two weeks were horrible as I missed her way too much and was afraid of something happening out there. She is there with cousins that have large groups of single friends that hit on her at every chance when she got down there. Its not that I don't trust her I don't trust them so you can see how I was scared. After the weeks went I still miss her but I am more comfortable with her being out there. I would then continue to call her and we would talk every moment we could. But the last two calls were strange and she sounded like she had no interest in what I had to say and she would always tell me she was tired and it just didn't seem right. So I asked her if anything was going on with us and she told me that she is very confused about certain things with us. She complained that we haven't made love or made out in awhile and that we seem like we are just best friends. She then tells me that we are so young (I am 23 and she is 21) and she is confused about us and that she needs some time alone to figure things out. So I respected her wishes and gave her space to think about us. 3 days later she calls me crying on the phone asking me how I am doing with all this and when I asked her what she is exactly confused about she wouldn't tell me and says that she doesn't want to do this on the phone and that she wants to get together to work it out when she gets back. 4 days after that call she calls me again crying, and is honest about everything. She says that the chemisty with us doesn't seem to be there anymore and that she wants me in her life but she is confused about the role she wants me in. She says she still loves me and misses me but she needs time to think still and she doesn't know if she should call cause she doesn't want to give me false hope. She still wants to get together we she gets back in 3 weeks from now so we can talk about us. I haven't emailed her or called her of texted her at all since the break, she has been calling me. She talked to her mom and told her that she wishes I was more assertive but never told me that. But when we talked she said that I can talk to her if I need someone to talk to and she won't care. But the weird thing is before she hung up she said if I need to de-stress I can make out with someone if I want. I asked if she meet anyone out there and she was very clear that she hasen't. So now I am sitting here waiting for the days to go by so we can get together and talk or work things out. Years ago we broke up about something along the lines of the same reason but lasted a week and she thought she made a big mistake and ask me back. I am wondering if that will happen again like I want it too, or do you think it is over? I know how what I can do to be a better boyfriend in areas she is confused about but I don't know if she feels if there is anyway use of doing that. Everyone tells me to maintain no contact with her and just enjoy the summer and deal with it when she is back but it is very hard to do so cause I love her so much and am worried of the outcome. Any advice guys would be awesome.

[mylove101]

I don't really understand the question, but I think if you have been dating for 5 1/2 years, then you may pick things up again, but I need more info to clearly state what I think. Cause now I think nothing, lol but if you love her... then I don't know

[mckenzie134]

give her space .You must NOT call let her miss you. She has tols you exactly what the problem is and you can either do something about it or you can go with your heart and fail and lose the love of your life cause your not thinkig straight.


Soory to say mate but she already knows her decision this does not mean its set in concretebutif you try and talk her into the rlationship she's GONE.

Ifyouwant her to stay let her come to you agree with her with whatshe says tell her you want to be with her but you dontwntto be with someone who does not wantto be with you.

And once you say that your gone NO contact you must lether feel the voidin herlife and after 5 1/2 years she will definitely feel it when your gone and if she doesn't v=come back she NEVER was starying.

You must let hergo to make her come back don't chase herand convince her you can tell her of all the wonderful times but leave itat that and show her you are moving on with yopur life. After 5 years she is wondering where things are going and what she wants in life and at the moment BUDDY your not in that picture well maybe slightly but she's unsure if she lets you go will she regret it. She will try and get you to hang around and I've heard the line "I dont know which part of my life i want you as"

Well I tell you what if she wanted you forever she would not be saying that. What sheis saying is I don't want to hurt you but don't want you as that special person in my life. You know what in another 3 months she won't even need you at all and then you will be feeling even worse. Ont let her have the satisfaction of making a choice and danglingyou along cause while this happens she won't choose you.

Your obviously hurting andpreying for her to choose you and you can help your cause and I know you want things back ow they wereandif you do whatever you do, don't let her tell you I still want to hear fromyou...

NO NO NO if shewants this break let her have it your out of her life donttell her this just be busy and if you can't PRETEND your busy shopw her its notgoing to be klikeit used to be ifshesnot your girlfriend cause for a while shewill try and keep you around toill she feels fine...

[jasmine_rezzag]

I do not know what to say, love is magic! But I know that if you guys are not happy when you are together, then do not waste time any more!Although you have been together for a long time, but for love, sometimes long time can not tell anything! You could fall in love with someone at first sight, but you also could leave someone in one second!
Wish you happy!

[thoughtiwastheman]

It's amazing how when it comes to women doing absolutely nothing will get you what you want. A little off the subject but this past weekend I went to a club and stood by the bar myself and didn't try to hit on any women. I was obviously there for the women but because I acted like I ddin't care, I not only got 1, not 2, but 3 women to dance and talk to me at the same time! Your story is very similar to mine and I think you should read my post. All I'm saying is be the man. Don't allow women to walk over you. You are the prize and she has to chase you. Not the other way around.

[mik2007]

All right here is the story. My girlfriend told me that she needed a break from each other this summer and I accepted her wishe. I didn't talk to her all summer and kept my distance and looked out for myself instead of thinking of her. After a month she called me crying and told me that she thinks we should give this another shot and that she missed me and loves me. Couple days ago I was talking to her on the phone and I made the mistake of asking her if she did anything with anyone while we weren't together. She is very honest to me all the time and said yes she did make out with someone when she was very drunk one night. Things led to another and she did other things but didn't have sex with him, just other things. When I heard this I was pissed off but also very saddened by it. She isn't proud of it and feels dirty about doing it. She wanted the break basically so she could "test the waters" so to speak. She said she didn't have sex with him because she realized even in her drunken state what she missed in me and didn't want to go through with it. The guy means nothing to her and she knows now that guys can be jerks and that's why she wanted to get back together while we were not together, I went to a bar one night and a girl kissed me and once she did I wanted no part and walked away from her. I am not perfect and with me doing that I am just as bad as she is. But it was a kiss and nothing more while my girl did other things that I wouldn't dream of doing unless we were 100% sure we were broken up We are back together now and both are 100% committed to trying to make this relationship work. My question is... I still feel disgusted by what she did while we were apart and I don't know if I can look at her the same way because of the things she did. Is this normal and can I put it aside and work on the relationship? Or should I break it off and never worry about it again? I love her so much and want this to work but I have the picture in my head of what went down and it won't leave. The thing that bother me the most is that she wanted the "break" so she could do this and when she did she hated it like I thought she would and came back to me. Am I wrong to feel mad or should I let her go and just be happy that I have her back because it happened when we were broken up?

[lmacool]

Your girlfriend didn't cheat. You were not together when any of this happened.
If you love her why would you think of breaking up with her because of this. She is human. People do things they aren't proud of or happy with - drunk or sober. Maybe she feels that situation was a mistake and opened up to you about it in confidence because she trusts you. A great part of being in a relationship is supporting the other person and building them up. Dwell on the things that are good. Its really not her fault that you can't get it out of your head. If the situation were reversed how would you feel if she were to harp on your mistake? You should be happy that she wants only you. That in itself is a compliment. Give yourself a chance to be happy Mik2007. Life is too short.

[stonewilder]

You were on a break so she didn't cheat on you. Although if she just ended the relationship with you to try something new then decided she wanted you back that would be different, but it doesn't sound like that is what happened. I think it is normal for you as a man to feel mad. Men seem to think they own a woman and can't stand to think about another man possessing what's theirs even if it's not theirs at the time. <<<<just my point of view. As I said, she didn't cheat on you. If you really love her you'll get over it and just be thankful you got her back.

[Oracleofwisdom]

I am not going to be able to help as much as I would like, but, when someone is living a life with you then another life at another place the type of behaviour you talk about in my experience is normal. Clearly she feels something for you. It sounds like she has mentioned seeing a specialist to help in your relationship. You have hung in this far and if you love her as you say then you will do all you can until you are sure in your heart it won't work. Until you get to that point keep going. BUT be honest with yourself, we often lie to ourselves that things will be OK but the heart says not. You will know but be honest with you, in your heart the answer is.

[E12191G]

Wow that was long. Lol but yeah, first off, if you're her first boyfriend or real boyfriend and she hasn't had any experience with other guys you should hae seen this coming. One day she would want to experiment with other people. Yeah its been 5 years and you guys love each other.but that feelings does come. Trust me I know. But one thing can be for sure. She wanted that break because she started talking to that guy and found an interest in him. She wanted to do hings with him therefor her feelings changed for you . Its not fair I know but hey lifes a b**ch. And honestly. If she's willing to give up your guyses relationjship to go have fun with other guys like she did in the summer,is tat worth taking back? Knowing she left you to go have fun and mess around with other giuys? And honestly, I don't know her or anythign but if I were in your situation, and she told me she messed around with anoyher guy but didn't sleep with him, I would still be pised off. Just the fact that she lied to you and told you she needed to think thin through, but mess with another guy, thast pretty messed up. And if she said she didn't sleep with him because she missed you, OK first off, she didn't miss you that much. She still messd with the guy, if she missed you so much, she would have had some self contol and saved that for you. Right? Bing drunk is no excuse. She wanted it and she got it. She did leave you right before after all didn't she? She knew she might cheat on you so decided to break it off for that time being that she wanted to mess around. So honestly.. maybe you should give her her space and just let her do what she wants. Because how is it going to feel every time you look at her and think about what she did to you? Most likely she wants to do a lot, maybe things you might now be able to give her, and she just wants to explore. And if its meant to be, shell come around and itl work out between you two. Just be strong and don't put up with nothing, no one dese to be hurt or anything. Good luck!

[SAB123]

May I ask how old you to are.

[mik2007]

I am 23 and she is 22... like she feels bad about what she did with the guy and feels dirty about what happened. I know she wanted to experiment and taking a break is pretty much the best way to do it. I am not mad about what she did anymore mostly I am mad about the fact that she lied to me. But she knows that it was wrong for her to do that too me and feels bad about how she treated me all summer. She said she did it so she could have complete freedom and to reassure herself of what she had. But she turned into someone that she didn't like and is not proud of what she did. But she keeps flip floping what she wants and that's what makes this so stressful.

[SAB123]

I agree with E12191G. You both are very young. I would take a break and find out what you both want. I believe one day she will do this again if you stay together. You are her first love and if not now but one day she will want to see what's on the other side of the fence.

[justhaveaquestion]

Well sometimes when your with someone for a long time the chemistry and romance does face but she did tell you that her being with someone else made her realize she wanted you maybe she needs to see what else is out their 6 years is a long time and if you haven't seen what else is out their you won't know if you found the right one. I think shell come around. Everything happened for a reason . You should start dating casually don't sit around and wait for her that's kind of what she's looking for most girls fall back on that and go do what they want because they know the guy will always be their in return. Everyone had trust issues when they come out of a long term relationship where someone breaks your heart and it takes a long time to break down the walls you build for yourself not to get hurt again but I think your best bet is to get out and go do what she's doing for all you know you might meet someone whose better for you and can meet your needs or maybe like her you'll realize you only want her and you two will get back together down the road with a fresh start

[mckenzie134]

I gave you advice one month ago when you wrote your first thread on what you would need to do. Go back to the first one you wrote and read what I told you to do. You have done none of this and this is because you are holding onto any false hope which she is giving you and after 5 years this is understandable people do what you are doing after 5 months so it must be absoulutely devastating after 5 years plus. But things change and you must change with them... There is only one way to wake this girl up and create the chemistry and that is to do what I told you.. Completely ignore her and give her what she wants CHEMISTRY create some create a void! If you do not she will find another and its will definitely be truly over!!

Make it over yourself and see how she feels when you put her in your position!!

[LUK3Y]

I gave you advice one month ago when you wrote your first thread on what you would need to do. Go back to the first one you wrote and read what i told you to do. You have done none of this and this is because you are holding onto any false hope which she is giving you and after 5 years this is understandable people do what you are doing after 5 months so it must be absoulutely devastating after 5 years plus. But things change and you must change with them... There is only one way to wake this girl up and create the chemistry and that is to do what i told you.. Completely ignore her and give her what she wants CHEMISTRY create some create a void!! If you do not she will find another and its will definately be truly over!!!

Make it over yourself and see how she feels when you put her in your position!!!

EXACTLY!! :)
Trust me, ex's absoloutley hate it when the tables turn on them.

[benn11]

You can't be a friend to a person that was your lover! It's like a break of code against the guys rule book. What are you going to talk about? A new guy she met over her lunch break?

[Numb]

Mik, just do what mckenzie said... almost every single person in here knows what you're going through and it's beyond terrible. But it's time to realise that she wants you no more.
I just had the same thing as you.. after 5 years she travels for one month and the half, while there she asks for a break.. she came back one week ago and broke up with me. During this week I tried my best to offer solutions but she keeps refusing and treat me coldly.. so I simply stopped and today the NC thing officially started for me.. so let us both count the NC days and move on with our lives, there is NO OTHER CHOICE.

You should feel much better now that you know that we are all having the same thing, and we all know that these ex's are not even worth it. We were loyal and tried our best, they don't want us.. be almost sure that she cheated on you and that she's been doing whatever stuff behind your back since quiet some time, not to mention that she was thinking damn well about this decision without letting you know.

Start the NO CONTACT rule, stick to it, and drop her! FORCE YOURSELF, accept it as a TORMENT, some kind of spiritual cleansing or whatever. Just do it. I realised this during last night.. I didn't have any sleep and simply analysed all her actions during the 5 years and I came to a conclusion that she could have done so many things for me in such a better way... if you start re-visting the past in an objective way, compare it with other people's relations (good ones), you will realise that she wasn't 100% into it in the first place!

Be strong man.. watch Scarface.. let it influence you and get some extra balls, why not :)

Oh, and a small note that seems to be working fine with me so far... I used "Post it" and wrote on a dozen of them "NO CONTACT YOU IDIOT" and had them all over my room.. my IM's nickname became that too.. that's one of the things that motivated me to not contact her. Hit yourself on the head and read them and UNDERSTAND what you read. Just keep it this way! I'm learning too, you know!!

[Jiser]

Excellent she broke up with you. The world is your oyster, NOW, take from it!

No contact also please.

[talaniman]

what is the right thing to do in this situation? I want her back but she doesn't feel the same. What can I do?

You can stop contacting her, and don't let her contact you. As others have pointed out a number of times, its not going back the way it was and your not ready to be her friend. Accept that this is over, and get your own life without her... FINALLY.