[talaniman]

Yes it has been long enough to make up ones mind, but your waiting for her to make up her mind and that's just tolong to be hanging on a maybe. You haven't gotten over her and she still gives you fase hope which amounts to her stringing you along, no matter what she says. You need to wake up, and get your life together.

[Canada_Sweety]

You've been waiting, for long enough. It's been 3 months and she still isn't sure. Perhaps you should just move on...

[nickfromstrood]

Hey all, General update. She came over on Monday night, we spent the night together (no sex). Just relaxed, watched a few films and fell asleep. We spent Tuesday together then she went home and we went to a concert in the evening. Everything was fine, we talked more about how we'd fix things if we got back together etc. On Tuesday night in the middle of a concert she got upset about me seeing another girl a month or so ago (it wasn't anything serious and I only did it because she made a point of telling me about other guys). So we left the gig early after a bit of an argument and a little blurting from me. We talked on the way to getting cabs and decided we should write down what we like and don't like about things pre and post breakup. We did this separately and mailed them to each other. We're meeting up tomorrow night and probably won't discuss them then. I've probably left this forum for long enough to damage my progress. She says she wants to try though.. If you could let me know what I'm doing right and wrong that would help. I don't feel as strung along anymore as I've been hearing hints of commitment

[nickfromstrood]

We got our letter to each other through on Friday and discussed Friday night. I can see what she wants, she says she wants to give things a go and still loves me but wants to take things slow. I'm finding this pretty difficult really, I guess I see things more straightforward than the actually are and do the whole "leap of faith thing" without thinking. Its unhealthy that I'm inpatient because I don't want her to find someone else and its also not too good for me that I literally don't stop thinking about her now. Its damaging my judgement and I don't want to act purely on emotion. The discussion went quite calmly, it wasn't overly comfortable, but I think we said a lot of things that needed to be said. When we met up Saturday it was great. We both had a good night (I got the "Thanks so much for a great night, i really had such a good time" text). I'm not sure what my next step should be. I'd rather speed things up a little if I can because it doesn't feel to productive just to wait till the weekend have a date and then wait for the next weekend. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

[SAB123]

I would take things slow like she wants. By you rushing things you will push her away.

[Skell]

So she sent you a letter telling you what she didn't like about you? What did it say?

Did it say you smother her and rush things? Because that certainly sounds like what you do going on your last post.

You know it isn't healthy or a good idea to go fast yet you still want to speed things up. Im a little confused sorry Nick.

If it were me, her indecision would have pushed me away a while ago, but then again I'm a different person to the one I was with my ex not so long ago. The old me would have waited around for her to make her mind up. But not now.

If you truly want to make things work with her you need to have changed. You need to recognise what was wrong with your relationship and go about making sure it doesn't happen again. To me it doesn't sound like you have done that.

What did she say she doesn't like about you and the old relationship? What have you done to make sure it doesn't happen again?

[nickfromstrood]

I would take things slow like she wants. By you rushing things you will push her away.

I understand that, and I've really taken things slow, I don't want to put pressure on her, its been a pretty long 4 months though

So she sent you a letter telling you what she didn't like about you? What did it say?

She said she didn't like the dramatics of our relationship beforehand. This is something I have come to recognise, I just saw it as passion before but now I see the negative effect it had.

She said she didn't like the deceit and lies (on both sides). I Agreed with her, I never covered something up for the sake of hiding it. But I was sometimes vague about where I was going because I was feeling insecure and if she was worrying about me then I felt reassured. I know this is an immature thing to do and didn't see it for what it was at the time.

Did it say you smother her and rush things? Because that certainly sounds like what you do going on your last post.

She didn't say that I'm rushing things, she just said she would like to see how things go and take it slowly. When we talked about it after I agreed about it afterwards as I realise I'm still evaluating some of the things of our previous relationship, still learning and its too soon to jump straight back in

You know it isn't healthy or a good idea to go fast yet you still want to speed things up. Im a little confused sorry Nick.

I KNOW that its too soon to start things up again but I can't help the emotional reaction of missing her. I FEEL like I want her back ASAP. It contradicts logic but it is something I am keeping under wraps. I make sure she texts me more than I text her, that I don't call her just for a chat, I let her do that. If she wants to see me then she asks, I don't assume she does. This may all sound a little like a game (and it does feel like it sometimes, but its part of not acting on impulse for me and also been the most effective way of keeping things stable from what I've heard and seen

If it were me, her indecision would have pushed me away a while ago, but then again im a different person to the one i was with my ex not so long ago. The old me would have waited around for her to make her mind up. But not now.

I suppose most people in my position would say this, but I do feel a connection with her. I have tried meeting new people (as has she) and we end up back at the "not over you, see how things go stage"

If you truly want to make things work with her you need to have changed. You need to recognise what was wrong with your relationship and go about making sure it doesnt happen again. To me it doesnt sound like you have done that. What did she say she doesnt like about you and the old relationship? What have you done to make sure it doesnt happen again?

Maybe I haven't changed. She said she's seen a change in me. I suppose I'm more upfront about my impulsive desires here than I am with her, I just don't feel that acting on impulse would be a good idea. It's the mistakes from before that have changed, we've been communicating better when we see each other. We don't argue (even though it's a bit of a stressful situation). We now talk about things rationally and although its not always as expressive/exhillarating to do it like this, it does cut down on the collatoral damage of just shouting our points across and assuming the other doesn't know what we're talking about. So to me, it does feel like things are going down the right route.

It is pretty slow progress and ironically it feels like things have sped up over the last few weeks or so (I mean it was no progress at all for months). I feel like I'm learning more about myself and I want to carry on going down this path, I just don't want to miss the opportunity for the next step.

[chuff]

Hey all, General update. She came over on monday night, we spent the night together (no sex). Just relaxed, watched a few films and fell asleep. We spent tuesday together then she went home and we went to a concert in the evening. Everything was fine, we talked more about how we'd fix things if we got back together etc. On tuesday night in the middle of a concert she got upset about me seeing another girl a month or so ago (it wasnt anything serious and tbh i only did it because she made a point of telling me about other guys).

Do you see how she tries to control you? She asked for the break. She wanted to see other people. Now she’s mad when you don’t follow her around like a puppy while she sees other people. The girl has some kind of control problem and she doesn’t respect you enough to abide by her own set of rules that she makes.

We got our letter to each other through on friday and discussed friday night. I can see what she wants, she says she wants to give things a go and still loves me but wants to take things slow.

What exactly does she mean by that in this circumstance? You’ve already gone out with her. You’ve already showed her you are willing to move on. Again, I think she wants to take things slow because she doesn’t really want a commitment with you but at the same time wants to explore other options. She just doesn’t want you to find those other options first.

I'm finding this pretty difficult really, i guess i see things more straightforward than the actually are and do the whole "leap of faith thing" without thinking. Its unhealthy that im inpatient because i dont want her to find someone else

Read that again! You basically admit that you know she is looking for someone else. You say you are impatient because you don’t want her to find someone else! You know that is exactly what she has in mind!
This is exactly what she wants as well, she wants to control you, to stop you from moving on, while giving her someone to be there in case it doesn’t work out with the other person or if she can not find another person.

and its also not too good for me that i literally dont stop thinking about her now.

No it’s probably not. You can either stop the problems now or continue this and stop later.

Its damaging my judgement and i dont want to act purely on emotion. The discussion went quite calmly, it wasnt overly comfortable, but i think we said a lot of things that needed to be said. When we met up saturday it was great. We both had a good night (i got the "Thanks so much for a great night, i really had such a good time" text). I'm not sure what my next step should be.

While I realize this is a week old, it should have been to let her call you again.

I'd rather speed things up a little if i can because it doesnt feel to productive just to wait till the weekend have a date and then wait for the next weekend.

You were around all the time and you got dumped. Being around her all the time proved to be less productive then being around all the time.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Dude she came back to you. Back off. You let her do the chasing. She shows you a little attention and you want to jump in and that is just going to back fire. You do your own thing, and when she comes to you, either through personal visits, phone calls, texts or whatever else you keep it short and end it. You have complete control so keep it and let her chase you. If you give her the control back she’s just going to lose interest like she did when you were going out.

[talaniman]

On Tuesday night in the middle of a concert she got upset about me seeing another girl a month or so ago (it wasn't anything serious and I only did it because she made a point of telling me about other guys).

RED FLAG-Beware of those who try to use jealousy, and they themselves get jealous. She is keeping you close and on a back burner just in case. Cut all contact with her what so ever. She cares nothing for your feelings at all, and will not hesitate to dump you from the friend zone if something better comes along. Sorry but this is not love, nor is it healthy for you.

[chuff]

RED FLAG-Beware of those who try to use jealousy, and they themselves get jealous. She is keeping you close and on a back burner just in case. Cut all contact with her what so ever. She cares nothing for your feelings at all, and will not hesitate to dump you from the friend zone if something better comes along. Sorry but this is not love, nor is it healthy for you.

While I had to spread it but Tal's dead on. She's a controller and she must always be in control. If she is not she throws a temper tantrum.

[stefani1]

thisis so weird that this is the first post I came across when logging into this site after like amonth... reason is that I am going through the same thing as you right now, but for me its only been 2 weeks. My boyfriend broke up with me and I have never felt so hurt in life! We still talk every few days and actually hung out last night. I have also thought of the "start fresh" approach but in my case it was not mutual agreement, I got dumped. But if in your case, you both have feelings for each other, and obviously she feels something too, maybe you should have a talk with her and see what she thinks. I mean, the worst thing she can say is no and at this point, your already broken up. I do have to admit that a break does sound like a good idea. Even if its for al ittle bit. I think sometimes you get too caught up with each others lives and forget to have our OWN life, that we get sick of each other kind of and that's when we need the so called "break". Do wha you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. Good luck =)

[nickfromstrood]

She's been really standoffish for the last few days and I'm not sure what to make of it. I hardly hear from her at the mo. We had an argument (about breakup stuff) on Sunday and she's been cagey since. I did suggest on Monday that this will take time but maybe a heart to heart would be a good idea but I'm just getting one line answers now :s

[nickfromstrood]

I've reread some of the things you things you have told me and you're right *sigh*... Is napalm an option?. Maybe not.. *-)

[talaniman]

No contact is your only option.

[nickfromstrood]

We've been over analysing each other as of late.. and I get the feeling she's dating new guys really.. I've told her I want no contact at all.. That she can't phone me or text or anything (unless it is a genuine emergency). She agreed.. We made plans before N.C to leave it 4 weeks and then meet up to something non commital.. I'm just after some time to let go of the past and I agree with Tal that its my only option.. Have been going around in circles for months lol.. All OK?

[Jiser]

Best not to be stuck on a revolving roundabout! No contact is a real b*~tch and a half to stick to but done correctly gives you time to reflect and get your life back without the confusion of ex's. It is what they are confusion - they create it and we therefore bathe in the disastrous effects it has on us!

Stick to NC, four weeks won't be long enough. Months maybe even years is what you need!

[chuff]

A lifetime of no contact is what you are after. Four weeks just won't cut it. As you start to make progress you will fall backwards after the 4 weeks are over when you get in contact again.

[Homegirl 50]

You said yourself you guys were just not working. You are missing a relationship with her because she is familiar. But I'm thinking it's over. Deal with it and move on.

[nickfromstrood]

OK, I haven't contacted her yet. I don't know ifi mentioned this earlier but I have an anxiety disorder. This was what caused a lot of problems with us before.. I worry too much basically. When we broke up I thought the best thing I could do was try every idea that popped in to my head and see what worked.. I should have given things time then. When things started coming back together I committed to quickly and it didn't really do the situation any good.. The idea of me having no contact with her is just to take the edge off. I think it will work, we've spoken pretty much every day since we broke up and its definitely not helped anything. Im using this time to get rid of the neediness.. to try and sort myself out a little in that respect. I don't feel there's any point in going round in circles with her and 4 weeks is a very long time for us not to speak for. She's still saying she loves me and adores me etc. And I do feel the same way, but if anything were to progress we'd need to let go of the past. I think time will help that. I told her she's obviously free to date whoever she likes. I'm seeing this as an opportunity for a clean slate. I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses then please let me know. I just feel that we definitely have compatibility (as we were together for quite a while with no problems). And I know I'm taking a risk to break contact whilst she's starting to date again, but being clingy is going to get my knowhere. If I still feel the same way after this then I will of course break the arrangement to meet up. I'm not in danger of doing any damage to the current situation right now (as it is no contact regardless).. I do think that perhaps I could lower my hopes by giving this time and making it easier.. I feel its worth giving things a non-commital meeting to see how it goes. I just feel we were trying too soon and there was too much of the past looming over. To reply to your idea that I will just fall backwards after 4 weeks when I get in contact: It will be meeting up for an evening only. I have told her that if I do not feel that its going anywhere then I will just cut my losses and we'll have watch the film and go our separate ways. Think I covered everything there. Let me know if you have an ideas at all.. I do try to listen to you all but I was more after the recovery of a relationship than moving on and I thought that 'no contact' was a good way to let go of a lot of recent problems and be more at ease with myself

[mckenzie134]

You are not doing no contact! And when you do you are still making her your No.1 priority and you are acting like you are the one in control when your clearlu not! She obviously does not want to be with you and you cannot see this! THERE IS NO NEED TO TELL HER YOU Won't BE TALKING AND SO FOURTH THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO DO THIS ARE THE ONES THAT THINK I WILL GIVE HER A SCARE AND WAKE HER UP BY SAY " wELL i DONT THINK WE SHOULD TALK ANYMORE TIL YOU WORK OUT WHAT YOU WANT" STILL GIVING HER ALL THE CHOICES WHEN SHE HAS ALREADY MADE UP HER MIND you CANNOT SE THIS. INSTEAD SAY ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND Disappear Don't EVER SPEAK TO HER SAVE THE CONFUSION AND IF SHE REALLY WANTS YOU BACK THEN SHE WILL LET YOU KNOW!! Simple!!