I'll try and keep this concise. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. We'd taken each other for granted and pushed each other too far for things to work out. After we broke up I realised the mistakes I made. Over the next few months we both upset each other a little more, we stayed in continual contact and met up a few times. She now wants to start dating other people and we've spoken a few times since. Its been pretty flirty when we do though. I feel there are a lot of mixed feelings on both sides, but I've done most of the trying to keep contact going. Recently I've been more standoffish and she's made contact. But if she's starting to date other guys is that going to ruin my chances of getting her back? Things are still quite emotional when we've seen each other and I've been as detached as possible lately to try and avoid that. I'm just wondering what my chances are of making this work and what my best approach would be.. I've had the "we should just be friends" thrown at me but since then she's drunk-text me. She keeps saying how miserable she is at the moment.

Any advice would help really.. We really clicked together and we could get that back if I could get a chance to get things to that stage.

I'm not too sure on whether I should try an approach of "fresh start" or "fix what was there before"

Thanks

Back all the way off, and let the emotional dust settle, before you do anything else, and since talking has done no good, you both should stop spinning your wheels and take a break. Time apart will at least stop you both from confusing each other, and give you both time to examine your feelings with out pressure, and decide what you really want. Doesn't sound like your making progress as it is going now.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Back all the way off, and let the emotional dust settle, before you do anything else, and since talking has done no good, you both should stop spinning your wheels and take a break. Time apart will at least stop you both from confusing each other, and give you both time to examine your feelings with out pressure, and decide what you really want. Doesn't sound like your making progress as it is going now.

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I have done this. I feel I can control my emotions if I see her (it was only because we met up and had quite a lot to drink that things got a bit ugly before). I'm still keeping my distance. During our conversations a while ago she said she missed having a boyfriend. I said that she did have one and she said she wanted one that didn't damage her confidence. I went through an adjustment disorder when we were together (it was diagnosed after we split) and I definitely feel things have changed. I have been dating since and been trying to make myself be "the prize" but she's been standoffish because she's worried about hurting me. How do I turn the tables on this. I will avoid contact until advised (so I don't do anything stupid!)

Bit more background info: She feels that it was my fault the relationship failed. I read that women want reassurance and confirmation (men are from mars women are from venus) when we first broke up and she was blaming me so I said "ok its all my fault".. I apologised etc.. So even though she left me she made herself the victim.. How is this passable?:confused:

I can make an excuse to see her, we still have a few of each others things but I don't know if she'll straight through that :s

Will wait to see what advice I hear from here before I take ANY action though

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

I'll try and keep this concise. My ex girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago. We'd taken each other for granted and pushed each other too far for things to work out. After we broke up i realised the mistakes i made.

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But did she realize the mistakes she's made? Your only half the relationship and while you may have realized your mistakes she has to step up and realize hers as well. And not accepting responsibility is one of her biggest problems which I'll address down below.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

Over the next few months we both upset each other a little more, we stayed in continual contact and met up a few times. She now wants to start dating other people and we've spoken a few times since. Its been pretty flirty when we do though.

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I'll tell you exactly what that means. She wants to start dating other people but doesn't want to deal with problems that come with the unknown. So she flirts with you to keep you in place in case the other guys don't work out. If she has spent all this time with you and still wants to date other people then that tells you all you need to know about how much she values a commitment to you. What she values is you being there is case she needs a place to turn to.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

I feel there are a lot of mixed feelings on both sides,

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I feel it's on your side more then hers.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

but i've done most of the trying to keep contact going.

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That only helps confirm that it's more you then her.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

Recently i've been more standoffish and shes made contact. But if shes starting to date other guys is that going to ruin my chances of getting her back?

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Yes.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

Things are still quite emotional when we've seen each other and i've been as detached as possible lately to try and avoid that. I'm just wondering what my chances are of making this work and what my best approach would be..

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Your best approach is to disappear.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

I've had the "we should just be friends" thrown at me but since then shes drunk-text me. She keeps saying how miserable she is at the moment.

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She's a woman. She knows how to use and control emotions in men. This is how they do it. They tell you they are dating others but then tell you they are miserable which keeps you holding on to false hope.

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Originally Posted by nickfromstrood

Any advice would help really.. We really clicked together and we could get that back if i could get a chance to get things to that stage.

I'm not too sure on whether i should try an approach of "fresh start" or "fix what was there before"

Thanks

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I think you should approach from I'm dissappearing and going to make her miss me and come to me. Anything else is just playing into her emotional games.

Personally I'd go for the fresh start option. Wash your hands of this and move on. It sounds as if her feelings are far too ambivalent for you to be able to count on anything here. You owe it to yourself to get out there and live your own life.

Back off until she can be clearer in what she wants.
In the mean time don't stop living on the hope that things will work with her.

Back off and live your own life for a while.

I backed way off as tal suggested. I made no attempt to make contact. She called me and said she missed talking to me.. If I put on my cynical head I'll assume this means she wants to know why I'm not being a good doormat/fall back option. She asked about other girls I was dating and I said nothing to serious YET and that they were mainly aiming at friends with benefits. She then told me she's not over me and she's not going to be dating anyone. So I replied with "thats nice, but im sure you'll get passed it with time, you're an intelligent girl, you'll work something out".. I told her I had to go and would give her a call back.. She phoned me and asked why I took another call rather than talk to her.. I said it was work telling me I had some time off this week.. She said the day I had off matched up with hers (tomorrow) and could she come over to see me. I said I'd let her know... I'm feeling more in control now. I'm going to be "busy" in the morning if I do say yes so that its not all day... Am I doing the right thing. I haven't said yes or no yet.. Oh she sent me a text last night saying "do you think im fat?" out of the blue.. Sounded like a loaded question to provoke a compliment and lead me to a position of flattering her.. I replied simply with "no."... Am I doing this right? I've made no attempt to contact her unless I'm replying to her

Don't meet up tomorrow tell her your busy, she's still trying to keep you on the string if you want her back pull further back she is getting keen but your stillhanging around.


Don't play these games if you want her backyou mustdisapear and watch hr come on strongerlet her no your not interested in someone who doesn't know what they want and you know what you want and if she not interested thereare plenty who are you're a great catch.

Sought this out now buddy o this back andfourth will continue until she does findanother guy...

I hope you've been thinking of what YOU want. The key is when she told you she misses having a boyfriend, which leads me to believe any guy will do. You know her much better than I do, so you have to know for sure if your ready for that fresh start, or is she worth taking another chance on. Its your decision and you have the ball in your court. She is moving rather fast to get you back in the fold though, and I think if you need more time for this decision, now is the time to take it, and do not let yourself be pressured by her or anyone else. Personally I think you will see things in her you didn't or couldn't see before, and you will realise that being dumped once by her is enough. You need to know how you really feel and what you really want right now before you commit to hooking up. She is holding on by her finger nails, and trust me females, have some sharp finger nails. She wants to hook up, and get you back in a hurry, and I really don't think either of you is ready. Do YOU?

I agree with you Tal, I don't want to rush in to anything.. And I think my attraction to her has diminished lately as I've seen an uglier side to her.. I've had a sense of detachment from the situation lately. But I am curious as to what she has to say. She said she's feeling ill today so I told her we can cancel tomorrow. She says she wants to see me. I told her she could come over. I have emotionally distanced myself from this for now and I really feel it :S. I am curious as to what she has to say though. I will endeavour to avoid being pressured in to anything. Mac said not to meet her tomorrow, but I'd already agreed prior to this. I'm going to be cautious. Is this OK? I know its too soon to get back together by the way

Just becautious don't let her suck you back in she will keep u on astring

Take it easy

Thanks people. Will see how things go.. I am going to be VERY careful tomorrow. I'll come back to you Wednesday with a bit of an update. Thanks again, you've been a real help

Don't make any promises you can't keep. Pay attention.

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Originally Posted by mckenzie134

Dont meet up tomorrow tell her your busy, shes still trying to keep you on the string if you want her back pull further back she is getting keen but your stillhanging around.


Dont play these games if you want her backyou mustdisapear and watch hr come on strongerlet her no your not interested in someone who doesnt know what they want and you know what you want and if she not interested thereare plenty who are your a great catch.

Sought this out now buddy o this back andfourth will continue until she does findanother guy...

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So true, I was the revolving door also, till he started dating someone maybe while with me, now he doesn't care if I'm dead or alive, guess I was good till another came along.

Don't see her, let it go on longer, disappear... for now

I too went down the route of continual contact then thought I better quit this as he is getting fed up of it so I stopped for a bit then I really had had to contact him to take my dofgs as I need to visit sick father he apparently thought I wasn't talking to him and has met someone else gr now I wonder if I blew it by stopping contact or not I mean we were only out of touch for a week and it wasn't as if he ever contacted my although to be fair he never ignotred my numerous calls and tolerated me very well under the circumstance even when asked he just sais it was fine it didn't bother him and I could call whenever I wanted of course now the ne girl on scene I feel I can't call at all and it very hard if I had done this in the beginning I wouldn't be in the state I am in now 4 months on so try not too contact her and god I know it hard if it meant to be it will be that's all we can hope for I guess good luck and take care of yourself for now only move on when your are trulely ready no point involving anyone else in your mixed up emotions you will only end up doing to them what has been done to you

If you love her then you love her you can't help how you feel, And if she feels the same way about you I don't see the point in not trying to make things work. You don't want to rush into anything, because you don't want to get your heart broken. Time heals all wounds. And maybe she needs to see other people to know where her heart is at. The one saying that I have learned to be true is "You dont relize what you have until you have lost it" Its only up to you if you want to wait.

She came over yesterday and asked a lot of questions. I answered what I was comfortable with and didn't let her pressure me or try to play on my emotions. Later things got a little heavy (in a flirty way). I played along a little then things started to get physical.. I backed off and suggested we go get lunch. 30 minutes after lunch she tried again.. And I gave (twice 8-) ).. We did have a nice day and talked about what we wanted.. She's not sure at the moment. I told her I couldn't promise I would carry on waiting for ever, but at that time I wanted to get back together.. She says she's in 2 minds about it.. I'm still feeling pretty detached about it, but I do feel things could be better than before.. She's texting me a lot now and I'm not sure whether replying to her is doing more harm than good.. I don't want to end up in the friend zone.. And a friends with benefits thing would be pretty silly

Continue to play it cool and cautiously. Don't always be available for her. Have a lot of fun when your with her but make your time spent with her few and far between.

OK, she's text me today and the conversation got a little serious.. She started asking about other girls. I told her I hadn't got in to anything deep yet.. She asked why nothing deep and what was with the yet.. I told her it was so I could see how things went with the 2 of us first.. The "yet" was in case it didn't work out or if I'm left hanging. She said she appreciated the honesty and when I asked whether she was set on moving on or considering us getting back together she said:

"i honestly dont know! if i did i wouldnt mess you about. i'd tell you honestly. If nothing else i respect you more than anything and would wanna hurt you x"

That seems like a gentle let down to me... Anyhow, I ended the conversation (nicely) and left things at that... I really feel I've done something wrong here... I didn't want to pressure her but its been 3 months