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joypulv · Nov 5, 2012, 03:20 PM

OK then! Plan your breakup, as calmly as possible - if it's his place, start packing some suitcases and go stay with friends or family. Pack and seal boxes of the rest to come get in a week or less, by agreement with him, or he may throw them out.

Cuddles84 · Nov 5, 2012, 05:43 PM

I understand, ben their... You snoop... you find stuff... you ask you get no real answer... Now your online asking, searching... What motivates all your actions? Look inside you, trust that gut feeling, it never lies!

Daile · Nov 5, 2012, 07:51 PM

It's our place, lease has both names on it...

Originally Posted by Cuddles84

I understand, ben their... You snoop....you find stuff...you ask you get no real answer... Now your online asking, searching... What motivates all your actions? Look inside you, trust that gut feeling, it never lies!

What did you do? My gut is telling me something is wrong but no proof...

J_9 · Nov 5, 2012, 09:54 PM

No proof?

Panties that aren't yours. Lists with other women's name on them.

That's not proof? If that's not proof to you I'm curious what you consider proof.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 6, 2012, 12:25 AM

Catching them in bed together, unless he has a good reason for that.

She appears to be willing to put up with his issues and make excuses. She knows the truth, but will just not accept it

J_9 · Nov 6, 2012, 12:27 AM

She knows the truth, but will just not accept it

That's called denial.

joypulv · Nov 6, 2012, 03:15 AM

You are both on the lease, and it has time left you both owe? Then the landlord can sue both of you, or either one of you, for the whole remainder. In other words, each of you alone is liable for all months left. They usually just go after the person who is still living there.

What I would do is start packing, tell him you will be moving out, sleep on the couch or get a bed of your own, and live there without physical contact. Don't listen to stories, promises, or accusations (that you are imagining things). Start looking for your own place and start asking people if you can stay with them for a few days at a time, even if you keep going back to the apartment. Breaking up is almost always a lot of work and stress.

Cte_almighty · Nov 6, 2012, 03:41 AM

To save yourself the pain just leave him if this is a standard routine. If you are constantly finding yourself discovering these notes then he is not worth your nor wants your attention. Nikki could be a person from work that he finds more intreaging to his taste in females. It could just be that you found a man that is greedy; he can't not settle for just one person and he just has the intension to 'do' every good looking female that comes along and unfortunately he thinks that this nikki is better looking then you. He doesn't see character just an image of intercourse

Daile · Nov 6, 2012, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

You are both on the lease, and it has time left you both owe? Then the landlord can sue both of you, or either one of you, for the whole remainder. In other words, each of you alone is liable for all months left. They usually just go after the person who is still living there.

What I would do is start packing, tell him you will be moving out, sleep on the couch or get a bed of your own, and live there without physical contact. Don't listen to stories, promises, or accusations (that you are imagining things). Start looking for your own place and start asking people if you can stay with them for a few days at a time, even if you keep going back to the apartment. Breaking up is almost always a lot of work and stress.

The lease will end on July 1st. So a few months left...

Daile · Nov 6, 2012, 03:47 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Catching them in bed together, unless he has a good reason for that.

She appears to be willing to put up with his issues and make excuses. She knows the truth, but will just not accept it

What is the thruth? You think he is cheating? You're right, unless I catch him, I don't conclude anything...

joypulv · Nov 6, 2012, 04:33 PM

Here she is, back to the beginning.
Thanks Fr_Chuck!
The circumstantial evidence is practically sealing his guilt, but you want her to find him in bed with another woman. And she wants that too, so she can keep believing him.

He'll say he found a woman freezing on the street and put her in his bed with him to warm her up, and she will believe him then too.

Daile · Nov 6, 2012, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Here she is, back to the beginning.
Thanks Fr_Chuck!
The circumstantial evidence is practically sealing his guilt, but you want her to find him in bed with another woman. And she wants that too, so she can keep believing him.

He'll say he found a woman freezing on the street and put her in his bed with him to warm her up, and she will believe him then too.

Guilt of what? That he is cheating? Or intend to?

Daile · Nov 7, 2012, 05:28 AM

And back to my first question, do I confront him with the list I found? The "Nikki" list?

Cat1864 · Nov 7, 2012, 05:51 AM

Daile, either he is a cross-dresser (another reason for him to have panties) who likes fantasizing about life with a 'new' girlfriend or someone named Nikki (himself?) or he is not satisfied in your relationship and looking for a way out. You aren't satisfied in your relationship from what you have said here. You have said you were going to leave him when he talked you into staying.

Frankly, it doesn't matter if he has cheated or is thinking about it or is making plans to move on without telling you. What does matter is that you don't trust him. You are actively looking for evidence he is being unfaithful. You are hurting yourself in an effort to prove your suspicions are real and correct. You are losing yourself while trying to keep him.

You have a choice to make:
1. Accept his lists and the occasional pair of panties as normal and stop looking for proof he is not faithful.

2. Talk with him and ask him if he is happy in the relationship. Discuss possible Couple's Counseling to work trough this together. It may be that you make better roommates than lovers and can live as friends until July. Perhaps one of you could find someone to take over your part of the lease.

3. Walk out and don't look back. Stop worrying about him and start concentrating on making yourself happy while fixing the damage this relationship has caused to your self-esteem.

Whatever you choose to do, stop looking for reasons to not trust him. Look for ways to build up your trust in yourself. Do things to feel good about you. Find your self-confidence.

I do think you might want to ask him if the panties are his. There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing. Many cross-dressers are heterosexuals who enjoy the feel of materials usually associated with female clothing. It is something a lot of men hide from everyone. We have had questions from men who have hidden this desire from their partners for years until they were caught or finally told.

Daile · Nov 7, 2012, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Daile, either he is a cross-dresser (another reason for him to have panties) who likes fantasizing about life with a 'new' girlfriend or someone named Nikki (himself?) or he is not satisfied in your relationship and looking for a way out. You aren't satisfied in your relationship from what you have said here. You have said you were going to leave him when he talked you into staying.

Frankly, it doesn't matter if he has cheated or is thinking about it or is making plans to move on without telling you. What does matter is that you don't trust him. You are actively looking for evidence he is being unfaithful. You are hurting yourself in an effort to prove your suspicions are real and correct. You are losing yourself while trying to keep him.

You have a choice to make:
1. Accept his lists and the occasional pair of panties as normal and stop looking for proof he is not faithful.

2. Talk with him and ask him if he is happy in the relationship. Discuss possible Couple's Counseling to work trough this together. It may be that you make better roommates than lovers and can live as friends until July. Perhaps one of you could find someone to take over your part of the lease.

3. Walk out and don't look back. Stop worrying about him and start concentrating on making yourself happy while fixing the damage this relationship has caused to your self-esteem.

Whatever you choose to do, stop looking for reasons to not trust him. Look for ways to build up your trust in yourself. Do things to feel good about you. Find your self-confidence.

I do think you might want to ask him if the panties are his. There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing. Many cross-dressers are heterosexuals who enjoy the feel of materials usually associated with female clothing. It is something a lot of men hide from everyone. We have had questions from men who have hidden this desire from their partners for years until they were caught or finally told.

I agree that it doesn't matter if he cheats or not or intend to...

Personnally, I am the kind of person who prefers to discuss it instead of leaving without a word, since I am not mad at him or anything. I would like it to go smooth. But this guy doesn’t like changes in his life so he usually says everything is fine just to stay as is. He does the same with his job. He hates it but just won’t change.

We went to couple’s counseling for about 6 sessions but my feelings stayed the same toward him. I lost a big part of admiration for him because of what he does: doing lists, taking pictures of girls without their consentment (neighbors, girls at beach, even our building owner), carrying underwears, not changing job, etc. I can say that I also feel shame about it. Shame that I stay with a guy like this. But I am responsible for that, I know. Also, he was saying that for him, everything was fine, which I don't believe...

For option #1, I will never accept lists or panties. I don’t think about it everyday but I honestly think that I will always snoop…

For the cross-dresser, I don’t think so but I should ask…

Cat1864 · Nov 7, 2012, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by Daile

I agree that it doesn't matter if he cheats or not or intend to...

Personnally, I am the kind of person who prefers to discuss it instead of leaving without a word, since I am not mad at him or anything. I would like it to go smooth. But this guy doesn’t like changes in his life so he usually says everything is fine just to stay as is. He does the same with his job. He hates it but just won’t change.

We went to couple’s counseling for about 6 sessions but my feelings stayed the same toward him. I lost a big part of admiration for him because of what he does: doing lists, taking pictures of girls without their consentment (neighbors, girls at beach, even our building owner), carrying underwears, not changing job, etc. I can say that I also feel shame about it. Shame that I stay with a guy like this. But I am responsible for that, I know. Also, he was saying that for him, everything was fine, which I don't believe...

For option #1, I will never accept lists or panties. I don’t think about it everyday but I honestly think that I will always snoop…

For the cross-dresser, I don’t think so but I should ask…

Shame is a very negative emotion. It is a way we punish ourselves for what we see as our mistakes. Other than snooping and attempting to work on your relationship what have you done to cause yourself to feel shame? Why are you punishing yourself by staying in this relationship?

What is there for you in this relationship?

You have been more than fair to him. You have put more energy into this relationship than many others would have. He isn't doing anything other than giving you stories about finding panties and old lists and complaining. How long is his list of complaints? Does he have one positive thing to say or is he the type of person who could have his dream job, house and relationship but will still complain about all of it while saying everything is 'fine'?

Daile · Nov 7, 2012, 06:55 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Shame is a very negative emotion. It is a way we punish ourselves for what we see as our mistakes. Other than snooping and attempting to work on your relationship what have you done to cause yourself to feel shame? Why are you punishing yourself by staying in this relationship?

What is there for you in this relationship?

You have been more than fair to him. You have put more energy into this relationship than many others would have. He isn't doing anything other than giving you stories about finding panties and old lists and complaining. How long is his list of complaints? Does he have one positive thing to say or is he the type of person who could have his dream job, house and relationship but will still complain about all of it while saying everything is 'fine'?

I told this to few of my friends and their answer were all the same:you're stupid, don't waste your time with him or just look at me with a look that says a lot.

I am under the impression that a lot of people would have leave their boyfriend a long time ago if faced with lists and underwear...

I am afraid that we will break up in like 7 years and I will say to myself, I should have done it before... so I have to do it now.

Daile · Jan 18, 2013, 11:33 AM

UPDATE ABOUT THE PANTIES!

I did a laundry of our bed on Dec 31 while he was at work. Didn't notice anything until the laudry was over and I was removing the sheets from the washing machine: the panties I saw on his bag a few months ago were in my washing machine? The only place where the could be was on the pillowcase.

I ask my boyfriend about that, he says that he was carrying them on his bag since all this time and when he did a cleanup of his bag at his family cottage, he put them in his pillowcase...

Oh my god, I think I have an answer now.

He's been keeping the panties since I saw them.

What's his problem?

odinn7 · Jan 18, 2013, 12:52 PM

Have you read any of the other responses here? I mean, really read and understood them? I don't think you did because you are again with the panties and still asking what's his problem... you have been told. What else do you want from us?

The man is cheating on you and you keep denying anything you find as proof that he is doing so.

Daile · Jan 19, 2013, 08:43 PM

Originally Posted by odinn7

Have you read any of the other responses here? I mean, really read and understood them? I don't think you did because you are again with the panties and still asking what's his problem....you have been told. What else do you want from us?

The man is cheating on you and you keep denying anything you find as proof that he is doing so.

You're right, I should read it all again... I know I want to leave but can't believe he's cheating...