I just found a sheet in my boyfriend's office where he had written what seems to be personal objectives to achieve in the next months. One of them: To developp a strong and long-term relationship with Nikki... I was kind of shocked. It is not the first time that I find list of objectives written by my boyfriend where he says "to find a girlfriend". Every time I confront him with those lists, he says it's old, it was just to confirm that you're really the one, etc. The more I find those lists, the most I doubt that he is in love with me as he says. Should I confront him again with the Nikki thing?

Unles your nane is Nikki id ask about it

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Gamed

Unles your nane is Nikki id ask about it

---

My name is not Nikki! I don't even know a Nikki...

I am sure that if I ask, he will say she's just a friend...

Why are you always snooping in his stuff and finding these lists?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

Why are you always snooping in his stuff and finding these lists?

---

Because the first time I did not snoop. It was right in the middle of his desk... then I have doubt, so I snoop. And each time I find something...

I see no problem with making lists or even old ones being set aside and forgotten. Making lists can be a way of daydreaming or fantasizing. Sometimes it can help ease frustrations with daily life and work. That said, I do see warning signs if all of the lists include a 'girlfriend' or someone with a different name than yours. Six years is a little long to keep lists with out-dated desires on them.

I just read your other threads. You have been with him for six years. I think you need to make a list of your own and include what you want in your ideal future. I also think you need to look at your relationship and decide if it really is working for you. From the tone of your posts, I am not certain you are happy in this relationship. Are you?

I think you both need to discuss the future and your expectations. Make certain you are both still wanting the same things and are working together instead of existing in the same house.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Daile

Because the first time I did not snoop. It was right in the middle of his desk... then I have doubt, so I snoop. And each time I find something...

---

If you choose to snoop chances are you'll find something you don't want to find. That's the risk you take when you snoop.

I don't understand why this is a big deal. It's not like you found out he's cheating on you. If you're upset about something you found while snooping, confront him.

Personally I'd break up with him. It's obvious you don't trust him, and a relationship won't survive without trust. Better to let him go now, go on your trip, and find someone else, someone you don't have to snoop on.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I see no problem with making lists or even old ones being set aside and forgotten. Making lists can be a way of daydreaming or fantasizing. Sometimes it can help ease frustrations with daily life and work. That said, I do see warning signs if all of the lists include a 'girlfriend' or someone with a different name than yours. Six years is a little long to keep lists with out-dated desires on them.

I just read your other threads. You have been with him for six years. I think you need to make a list of your own and include what you want in your ideal future. I also think you need to look at your relationship and decide if it really is working for you. From the tone of your posts, I am not certain you are happy in this relationship. Are you?

I think you both need to discuss the future and your expectations. Make certain you are both still wanting the same things and are working together instead of existing in the same house.

---

You are right, it's like I know deep inside that we should not be together, that I am not that much in love with him anymore... and I think he's not in love either... but when I tried to break up last year, he started to cry and say how much he loves me, can't live without me, etc. So I stayed... I like this person in a certain way so it's hard to break up...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

If you choose to snoop chances are you'll find something you don't want to find. That's the risk you take when you snoop.

I don't understand why this is a big deal. It's not like you found out he's cheating on you. If you're upset about something you found while snooping, confront him.

Personally I'd break up with him. It's obvious you don't trust him, and a relationship won't survive without trust. Better to let him go now, go on your trip, and find someone else, someone you don't have to snoop on.

---

By the way, I went to Spain! He can snoop on my stuff, he won't find anything...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Daile

By the way, I went to Spain! He can snoop on my stuff, he won't find anything....

---

That's not the point. Does he snoop, or does he trust you?

Whether he'll find something doesn't matter. He doesn't snoop because he trusts you. You do snoop, because you don't trust him.

So why bother staying with him? I could never stay with someone I don't trust.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

That's not the point. Does he snoop, or does he trust you?

Whether or not he'll find something doesn't matter. He doesn't snoop because he trusts you. You do snoop, because you don't trust him.

So why bother staying with him? I could never stay with someone I don't trust.

---

He sometimes snoop also... what a great couple we are. I feel ashamed to do this but there is something wrong so I snoop...

Quote:

---

He sometimes snoop also... what a great couple we are. I feel ashamed to do this but there is something wrong so I snoop...

---

That's what makes this a toxic relationship.

I wonder if he is biding his time with you until he finds someone else.

See what snooping does? It makes you wonder, it makes you suspicious, it makes you invent all sorts of scenarios in your imagination.

Countless couples stay together out of inertia, the inability to do the painful work of breaking up, dividing up the possessions, moving out, being alone and lonely. I've done it myself. I usually didn't even know I was doing it until I was long gone.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Daile

He sometimes snoop also... what a great couple we are. I feel ashamed to do this but there is something wrong so I snoop....

---

Sounds like you already know the answer to your questions, you just haven't taken the next step, which is to leave.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I see no problem with making lists or even old ones being set aside and forgotten. Making lists can be a way of daydreaming or fantasizing. Sometimes it can help ease frustrations with daily life and work. That said, I do see warning signs if all of the lists include a 'girlfriend' or someone with a different name than yours. Six years is a little long to keep lists with out-dated desires on them.

I just read your other threads. You have been with him for six years. I think you need to make a list of your own and include what you want in your ideal future. I also think you need to look at your relationship and decide if it really is working for you. From the tone of your posts, I am not certain you are happy in this relationship. Are you?

I think you both need to discuss the future and your expectations. Make certain you are both still wanting the same things and are working together instead of existing in the same house.

---

Not to mention that I have found *twice* other woman underwear (which were in both case 100% not mine). One time the answer was "it's old, I don't know whose it is". The second time "I thought it was yours, I found them in the backyard" (we live in a multi apartment building).

And both time, I did not snoop at all. First time it was in his closet, wide open. Second time, he opened his working bag and it sort of came out...

It's possible but strange...

Sorry I wouldn't buy that "old" excuse after being together for 6 years.

You are in total denial.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by J_9

You are in total denial.

---

What do you mean total denial?

You are in denial about this relationship.

He's got other girls' panties and you are still with him?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by J_9

You are in denial about this relationship.

He's got other girls' panties and you are still with him?!

---

Yes, I try to believe what he tells me. But deep inside I feel something is wrong with that... with the lists...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by joypulv

I wonder if he is biding his time with you til he finds someone else.

See what snooping does? It makes you wonder, it makes you suspicious, it makes you invent all sorts of scenarios in your imagination.

Countless couples stay together out of inertia, the inability to do the painful work of breaking up, dividing up the possessions, moving out, being alone and lonely. I've done it myself. I usually didn't even know I was doing it til I was long gone.

---

That is how I feel, that he's still with me until he finds better. I maybe that's the case on my side also...