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SouthernBelle06 · Jan 14, 2007, 09:58 PM

Maybe you should stand your ground, not be his friend if it hurts you, and tell him, "Well, I'll leave it to you to call me if you want to get back together in a relationship." Then leave him alone and go on with your life, but be friendly if he initiates contact. Remember that neediness is the ultimate man repellant. Also, did you notice that HE finally called you? Had you been leaving him alone and letting him miss you? If so, perhaps since you showed a little independence for a change and gave him some space, he had a change of heart.

wendy rose · Jan 14, 2007, 10:04 PM

If he loves you but wants to just hang out and be friends... he wants to have his cake and eat it too... meaning.. he wants to keep your butt hanging while he checks out other stuff.. dont hang around to watch this... go on with your life... toughen up and get moving.. if it was meant to be.. it will be.. but don't waste your time trying to MAKE it happen.. be polite if you see him... dont be intimate at all at this point if you ever have been. That makes you a "booty" call. Be better than that. Smile and be nice to everyone. Write him off though

talaniman · Jan 14, 2007, 10:19 PM

No contact is for you to get over this break up, not get him back and you will look foolish hanging out with him and trying to PROVE yourself to him. Reread your other posts the answer is still the same so please accept that this is over.

chuff · Jan 15, 2007, 01:09 AM

" I still love you, but I only want to be your friend." Please!

Here's what really happened. You two broke up and he found out he wasn't Joe Smooth like he thought. So he's calling you back up and want to remain friends only and hang out because he wouldn't mind a piece every now and then but he doesn't want to be tied down in case someone else actually falls for his stuff. Keep your distance from this guy he is neither a player or a keeper, he's just useless.

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 15, 2007, 04:27 AM

I would remain distant from this one. He is asking too much of you to remain friends and you are emotionally well enough to cope with friendship with this man. You still have too many feelings for him. You may never be able to have a friendship with him and I would be inclined to say that most (not all) people can be friends with ex's successfully. It sounds to me that you have done the No Contact thing and remained distant, things may not be working out as he had hoped, so he decided to ask you if you want to be on the sideline for him, since he knows you still have feelings for him. He is worried that he is now going to be left alone and perhaps worried that you will move on before he does. Either way, he sounds like a player and I would avoid allowing him to hurt you anymore. I would suggest No contact, obviously be polite if he contacts you but say to him that friendship is not something that you feel would be appropriate.

You must look after yourself and protect yourself and No Contact is the best way to allow yourself to heal and move on!! Whatever problems he is having with his new found freedom is nothing to do with you and is his to deal with!

Karolina · Jan 15, 2007, 12:54 PM

Hi Daisy,
This is a tricky one :) I'll give you an example of a relationship I had:

(I was 22 years old at this time)
We dated for 2 1/2 years, he was my first and he eventually broke it off with me only to keep me on the side until he sorted out his feelings. Well, I waited, I didn't know any different and I'm not kidding you... I thought my life was over. Honestly I did, cried for MONTHS, depressed, couldn't get out of bed, left school, made horrible choices at work, the list goes on. I wasted an entire year of my life waiting for this loser. I couldn't deal with the fact that he dated other women and I just waited for him. This hurts soooooo bad and I understand the how PAINFUL it is. BELIEVE ME, TIME HEALS PAIN. Being as young as you are and as you go through life, you will have so many other issues that don't even pertain to men and you will see the real importance of what is worth grieving over. I'm not trying to lower the pain of this, but you are just beginning your adult life and will face many struggles.

I have/had the same jealousy issues as you. A lot of women do, whether they admit. You have to know that this is not because your boyfriend is good looking, or how many girls stare at him and vice versa... this is something inside of you and yourself esteem. It will never go away unless you build confidence within yourself. TRUST ME. Many of my relationships suffered cause of it. Good part coming :)...

I made a point to change my life and give myself the things I deserve. I lost the weight ( I gained 80lbs during that breakup) that I gained. I learned a new language, began taking my courses at school to finish my degree, started my own cosmetic/skin care company, travelled, focused on my friends, family AND MORE IMPORTANTLY - ME! I spent 2 years alone and when my old boyfriend heard of my success and tried to contact me, it was the greatest satisfaction of turning him down and having no feelings towards him. I am in a wonderful relationship now, of which we do struggle with issues, but I now know if this one doesn't succeed, I will find another man who would love and adore me because I am an attractive, kind, loyal person and I make a great girlfriend, not perfect, but pretty darn good :)

Find something you're good at, forget him for now. Focus on a hobby, school, charity - anything. Shock the world with any of your talents, start loving yourself and making good choices to set the path for your entire life and you will be amazed on what men, things, wealth will come your way. Use this website as a source of support, the people here are wonderful. Sorry to make this long, but if I can spark something inside of you to change, it was worth it :) Good luck.

Karolina · Jan 15, 2007, 02:18 PM

You're welcome Daisy :) You are going to look back one day and thank him for this valuable lesson, I just know it!

daisydew · Jan 21, 2007, 01:54 PM

So after I told my ex I didn't want to have any more contact with him, he decides to send me an email with the lyrics to a song about missing your girlfriend. I tried so hard to ignore it, but part of me wants him back so much. He said he'd always accept a phone call from me, so I decided to call him to find out what he meant by that message. He answered and basically said it didn't really mean anything, he was just feeling that way towards me that day. He then said he had to go and *maybe* would call me some other time.

I was starting to feel better until he wrote me that little note and sparked my hope again. I feel like I've taken a giant step backwards... of course it's my fault for calling him. I wrote a huge email telling him how I felt about the way he treated me. It included that I don't want any more messages about how he feels. I made sure to include how happy I was with my new life, and that I hope he is happy with his. It wasn't a mean email, but it firmly said that I'm still healing and don't want him contacting me.

I just woke up feeling very angry today about the whole thing. I'm angry at him for leading me on again, and I'm angry at myself for giving into it and taking a step backward. I'm not even sure why he would lead me on like that.

So I'm going on my 6th week of being single, and it really is getting better. For everyone out there who is fresh out of a breakup, please know that it will get better. I remember thinking there was no way I could go on in life without him... but now I can start to see the light and know that things are going to be okay eventually. I still think about him everyday, and sometimes I still cry... but it really is getting better.

Pagan_soul · Jan 21, 2007, 03:59 PM

Hey. That last paragraph was really encouraging. I came to this thread thinking I may be able to help you, and instead you helped me.
I know what it's like to need to vent... I've been venting a lot too. I'm sure my mates are sick of it by now.

I think it was unfair of him to lead you on and send those messages, especially if he wasn't sure he meant it. I can't really give any advice, but I hope he leaves you alone now.
It's great that your recovering so fast.

JoeCanada76 · Jan 21, 2007, 04:56 PM

It is very good that you share your hope, light at the end of the tunnel to all those who are experiancing similar situations. Just venting is good. This is the best place for it.

Enjoy being single.

(;

Joe

Geoffersonairplane · Jan 21, 2007, 05:22 PM

It nearly always gets better in time and in the early days, most people slip up with the no contact.

No contact is important for healing and making positive progress and should be used for this purpose.

I am glad you are finding that time is healing the wounds. Trust me that I and many others here know what you are going through and send you my best wishes.

talaniman · Jan 21, 2007, 08:09 PM

Venting is great and you always feel a little better, so feel free anytime , use CAPS if it helps.

Skell · Jan 21, 2007, 08:22 PM

It might be helpful to bock emaisl from him as well.

I know you told him not to but who knows, if he gets that feeling again he may be tempted to do a similar thing again and then you you take another step backwards.

Other than that is great to hear that you are making progress.

Just remember that there are going to be so many ups and downs. It really is a roller coaster and this won't be the last set back. There will be many more to come, but you sounds like you are going about things in a healthy way so I'm sure you will be back to your 'best' sooner than you think!

chuff · Jan 21, 2007, 08:45 PM

This is a great place for venting. Vent away every day if you have too. It beats getting back on the rollar coaster.

Originally Posted by daisydew

I wrote a huge email telling him how I felt about the way he treated me. It included that I don't want any more messages about how he feels. I made sure to include how happy I was with my new life, and that I hope he is happy with his. It wasn't a mean email, but it firmly said that I'm still healing and don't want him contacting me.

Although in the future I wouldn't suggest sending the letter back to him writing down you thoughts is a great way to get things off your chest. It helps get out the pain and also organize it. It helps you see that some of what your going through isn't as bad as your brain tends to imagine. It puts logic back into an emotional problem.

Originally Posted by daisydew

So I'm going on my 6th week of being single, and it really is getting better. For everyone out there who is fresh out of a breakup, please know that it will get better. I remember thinking there was no way I could go on in life without him...but now I can start to see the light and know that things are going to be okay eventually. I still think about him everyday, and sometimes I still cry...but it really is getting better.

So you just had a momentary lapse. Not a big deal. In fact if you look at it as a learning experience you actually gained some strength and knowledge. You now know what contacting him will really mean. More pain and games. Don't see this as a setback but as a reminder that you are making progress and a reminder of why you left that situation.

momincali · Jan 21, 2007, 09:11 PM

Don't allow for more set back from him again. Change you email and any number he has.

Pagan_soul · Jan 21, 2007, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by momincali

Don't allow for more set back from him again. Change you email and any number he has.

Do you really think that's necessary? If she's getting on fine now, then changing her phone numbers and email is a bit over the top.
She'd have to inform all her contacts of her new details, and that could take a lot of effort and put on a lot of stress, especially if she had friends who knew her number, but she didn't know there's.
That's just my opinion though...

momincali · Jan 22, 2007, 10:33 AM

Originally Posted by Pagan_soul

Do you really think thats neccesary? If she's getting on fine now, then changing her phone numbers and email is a bit over the top.
She'd have to inform all her contacts of her new details, and that could take a lot of effort and put on a lot of stress, especially if she had friends who knew her number, but she didn't know theres.
Thats just my opinion though...

I actually do think it's necessary, if you read her post from yesterday, you'll see that she received an email from him with the lyrics to a song about missing your girlfriend which got her hopeful, she had a bit of an impulse to call him because of the note and BAM, she falls on her face again and gives him a chance to say some hurtful things. He baited her just cause he was feeling down and that's wrong.

When you've suffered a break up like Daisy has, sometimes you have to take some drastic measures to secure yourself and your success in getting over someone. He was feeling low and without regard for her feelings sent her this email, which any broken up person would take as a sign and when she called him, he'd changed his tune and slammed her heart on the pavement. Sure it may be a bit inconvenient, but I guarantee, it will give her such a feeling of power and control because she's taking serious steps to assure this guy doesn't get the chance to do that to her again. She's showing him that "hey, I really don't have the time or desire to deal with your games or your sillyness and I'm moving on..."

daisydew · Jan 22, 2007, 11:34 AM

Thank you so much momincali, you perfectly described how I feel. I can't seem to shake this feeling that he left me with though. Now I'm still holding onto the hope that he might want to get back together. It's so hard to look back and remember how great I felt in the relationship, and then to be feeling so hurt and sad right now. I feel like he pushed me right back to square one. I'm back to not wanting to leave my room or really talk to anyone. There was something about hearing his voice that made me miss him so much.

I really wish I could understand what was going through his mind when he does this kind of stuff. I'm sure you're right momincali, he was just having a bad day.

If anything, I guess this is just another incident that let's me know this is REALLY over. I mean if he had any hope of rekindling things in the future, he would not be treating me like this, right?

I hate this feeling of being stuck in a slump on a Monday and knowing I have to make it through the entire week feeling like this.

Thanks for listening and responding everyone. It's good to know there's such great people out there.

momincali · Jan 22, 2007, 11:57 AM

Daisy, unfortunately you let your weak heart lead the way and you called him only to be hurt by his response. It has put you in a place you don't want to be in.

It's time to start changing your attitude. Take no prisoners Daisy. Make all those changes we suggested, even if they're scary, they will empower you. And yes, this incident should serve as a wake up call that this may really be over. Even in a weak moment of sending out those lyrics, he could have had a more compassionate response by telling you he was really sorry for doing that and he understands it only confused you. I know you "feel" stuck, but your actions can pull you out of that slump of you let them. Change your attitude.

daisydew · Jan 29, 2007, 09:51 PM

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?