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wap · Nov 14, 2006, 08:27 AM

It seems to be that keeping busy is the key. Do as much as you can to keep busy, even things that you wouldn't normally do. If I feel bad I feel better going to the gym and I have found this week, I just keep swimming up and down the pool to get rid of the feelings of sadness and frustration. It is also benefiting me physically as well as mentally. I know it sounds crazy, but it is either this or I break down.

JDOP · Dec 10, 2006, 04:19 PM

Hey,
I'm dealing with some serious pain right now and I would really appreciate some advice. I posted here about a month ago that my 1.5 yr girlfriend broke up with me, basically because I became too needy. We had little contact the first 3 weeks. When I asked her, is this a definite break-up, she always responded with things like "we'll see", "never say never" etc. Now it has been 3 weeks with no contact whatsoever, although I said I would like to keep in touch with her (I changed my mind). Now I hear (there's rumours everywhere) that she has slept with her former ex (the guy before me). I mean this guy is the prototype of a jerk. When she broke up with him, He practically stalked her for a half a year. He cheated on her and generally has no respect for women. So when I heard this rumour I didn't believe it at first. I would rather believe that the pope isn't a catholic. I knew her. And it is the last thing I would have expected her to do. Moreover, this ex was also I a one year relationship with a girl and the second he knew I was dumped he also broke up with her. Don't these people realize the emotional damage they conflict on two other people? It is like she has become another person. Even now I find these rumours very very hard to believe (although they come from reliable source) because I never thought she was the kind of person to do these kind of things. I'm not sure if I would want her back now even if could get her back. I'm guessing this is all some kind of a rebound thing but hey, why do you have to make this so painful for the people you leave behind? Isn't she ashamed of herself? Doesn't she realise that what she is doing is essentially wrong? Has she no respect for me at all? The fact that I have to hear about this kind of **** from other people speaks for itself

Saintas · Dec 10, 2006, 05:15 PM

I have now a second taught about her cry when you send a letter . I thing the rumors are true .The fact you not recognize her anymore prove that you never now this girl really.
To respond to your previous question Now : Move on !
Don't try to think about her actions anymore . You will not reach at any conclusion .
Consider this chapter close to you .I now it is hard to do so but it is the best way to do.
Even if you will going together in future ,the things will never be the same for YOU.
The doubts will chase you all the time .Try to have time with your family, with your friends and try to heal you .Cut all the contact with her , is not warted

talaniman · Dec 10, 2006, 10:24 PM

Be a good time to end all the confusion by cutting her out of your life and move on. Get a life that does not include her and be happy that its over.

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 01:32 AM

I already have a life that doesn't include her. I thought I was doing fine, until I heard about this. I haven't slept all night thinking about her having sex with that jerk. I mean this was the last thing I thought was going to happen. They practically hated each other. I stilll love her, but now I realize I am not loved back anymore. Otherwise she wouldn't be sleeping with another guy. I feel so hurt though. How is it possible that somebody this sweet can turn into sombody this cold? I thought I knew her better than myself. That's why it is so hard to believe all of this. I just don't understand. Why, for the love of god did she had to do this?

wap · Dec 11, 2006, 03:55 AM

Hiya,

Ex's behave in a strange way. What makes it so hard for us, is we still see this as the same person we were with, who loved us etc. We cannot understand why they would do so many things to hurt us.

It was best that this person did not tell you that information if you ask me, you didn't need to know it right now. It was a stupid thing to do. Well, you know now, you can take a positive from this, and just think you are worth more than that. As she would cheat on you if you were together again probably.

The signs are all there that it wouldn't work if you got back together. Try to put these thoughts out of your mind. I know I dread the day I find out my ex is with someone else. That is the ultimate torture, it is like being kicked when you are already down.

I know you already have a life, just try to keep going with positive thoughts and do positive things. There is nothing else for it, I am finding that as well.

SouthernBelle06 · Dec 11, 2006, 04:17 AM

I know what you mean wap. Finding out about the ex with someone else is a real risk you take when you choose to remain in touch or as a "friend" in hopes of a reconciliation with them. You may be secretly hoping that being nice to him will result in a reconciliation while the ex thinks, "this girl I used to date is my friend now, she's fine if I tell her about my new girlfriend." That's what happened to me. It was heartbreaking. I wasn't exactly his friend and he knew I wasn't prepared to be, but he kept emailing me anyway despite my asking him not to and stupid me would still read his emails hoping for signs that he wanted to reconcile. I would sometimes reply briefly and kindly just so he wouldn't think I was bitter or cared too much anymore and this is what I got in return... a freshly broken heart. Be very careful about contact with any ex you still care for. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to certain matters.

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 05:58 AM

I understand and I knew there would probably come a day that she has found a new love. You are not really sitting in my seat but this situation is completely absurd. The reason she left this guy (ohter than him treating her like ****) is because she fell in love with me (she didn't cheat on him though). And now they are back together. After she said numerous times that there was no chance at all for them getting back together. Absurd, that's what it is. I feel like I have been fooled 1.5 year. I can only see 2 explanations for her behaviour: 1. She felt lonely because I hadn't contacted her in 3 weeks (even though I said I would) she needed a friend to talk to, he was there and things happened. It was only a rebound.
2. It wasn't a rebound, she fell in love with him again and had sex because they were in love. I hope the first possibility, I fear the latter one. The thing is that she probably wanted to keep it quiet and I don't think she even realizes that I know. In fact everybody knows. And everybody is as shocked as me. I really don't understand how she could do this. Anybody but him. And she could have waited a little longer. The message I am getting now is: "you mean nothing to me and you never did". That's just cruel and I really can't understand.

talaniman · Dec 11, 2006, 06:43 AM

JDOP- For your own good, stop worrying about why this, what if that, and all the other crap your letting go through your mind. There is no answers to your questions, and no what's to your whys. In other words let it go. I know after a month your whole belief system is topsy-turvy and I empathize, buy get off that stuff that has your mind racing for things you may never know and stop wasting your time with this Why?Why? Obsesion. Not good. The sooner you get over the shock, and move to the acceptance stage then the sooner you will be free to putting yourself back together. Sorry to be so harsh, NAW that's not right, the truth is that I already know that sitting on a pity pot gets you nowhere and is counter productive, and what's needed is POSITIVE ACTION on your part, and I know its confusing, and hurts a lot still but you do yourself a great disservice by dwelling and no action. BEEN HERE DONE THAT, so look forward and move forward. Get busy. The more it hurt, the more you work.

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 06:58 AM

off course you are completely right. I agree. But sometimes I think we need to be hurt in order to heal faster. I am wondering if I should call her and confront her with this. Not to win her back (off course) but to get it of my chest. I think that what she is doing is the lowest thing I can imagine. And I really would like to tell her that. Teach her some values like "respect". Actually I would really really like to know it all. Every disgusting detail. The more I get hurt, the faster I heal because I don't think I could ever forgive her this. I don't think of her as that sweet little blonde girl anymore, instead I think of her as a cold-hearted lying, backstabbing, labile and fake person. Maybe that's a good thing, but the hurt is almost unbearable

talaniman · Dec 11, 2006, 07:11 AM

But sometimes I think we need to be hurt in order to heal faster.

Are you crazy or what? What part of positive is it you do not understand? The Negative energy you are stirring in you, will do you no good and can actually lead you down a wrong path, if you keep feeding into it. If all you can do is feel sorry for yourself, and stirring up crap you best leave alone, you will never heal. All this stuff is in your mind, and if you can't let it go then, THATS YOUR FAULT, NOT HERS!

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 07:28 AM

I don't want a reconcilliation, all I want is to tell her what she is

Saintas · Dec 11, 2006, 07:42 AM

Let's say maybe better this way : she don't deserve nothing, not talk ,not to tell anithing , not to call, no stalk, no simpaty from you, no friendship, no nothing.
You deserve much, more, hapiness , a good soul near you to love you for what are you.
Move on !
It's hard but in the end is warted .

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 07:51 AM

The best way to describe how I feel right now is by quoting the dire straits:

A lovestruck romeo sings a streetsus serenade
Laying everybody low with me a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it ?

Juliet says hey its romeo you nearly gimme a heart attack
Hes underneath the window she's singing hey la my boyfriends back
You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you going to do about it ?

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heartAnd I forget the movie song
When you want to realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

Come up on differents streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals ?
Where you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me think and thin
Now you just says oh romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him
Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above Ill love you till I die
There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you going to realise it was just that the time was wrong juliet ?

I can't do the talk like they talk on TV
And I can't do a love song like the way its meant to be
I can't do everything but Id do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All do is keep the beat and bad company
All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme
Julie Id do the stars with you any time

valinors_sorrow · Dec 11, 2006, 09:00 AM

Originally Posted by JDOP

I don't want a reconcilliation, all I want is to tell her what she is

It isn't her that needs the telling, it's the part of you that is still shocked and in disbelief. And that is understandable too. Consider if you did tell her, she'll only deny it-- you'll both have a fast and furious game of "who can stick the blame." A pointless endeavor, really! I guarantee you'll walk away as unfinished as before with even more reason to dislike her. The fact is, you got fooled by someone somehow here. Either she did it to you and wasn't the person you thought she was or you did it to you and envisioned her as far more changed (ie, beyond the reach of her ex) than she really was. Or maybe a bit of both. Love has a way of making us look at others inaccurately sometimes.

If I were you, I would be using this painful time to consider carefully which one it was and then take appropriate measures to see if you can guard against that occurring again. But I'll bet you none of those measures will require any kind of "face off" with her, the one who hurt you so badly. Learn the lesson, save the cheerleader, ermm, I mean save yourself a lot of heartache down the road getting another dose of it. My condolences for your loss of the relationship and of your innocent view of love both -- one you can't do a thing about, the other you can make into something constructive like Tal has been suggesting to you, okay? :)

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 09:17 AM

the weird thing is that everybody acts like this is something normal going on. Am I being a naïve boy by still believing in values like politeness and respect? Is it normal to dump somebody after 1.5 yr without even giving a proper reason and then after a month have sex with somebody you said you would never have sex with? I spoke to the ex girlfriend of the jerk yesterday and she is also completely devastated by it. If I would be in the shoes of my ex I would be very ashamed. There are words to describe people who act like that.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

The fact is, you got fooled by someone somehow here. Either she did it to you and wasn't the person you thought she was or you did it to you and envisioned her as far more changed (ie, beyond the reach of her ex) than she really was. Or maybe a bit of both. Love has a way of making us look at others inaccurately sometimes.

I completely agree,

Love does blind us and we judge people inaccurately. I'm not sure about you JDOP, maybe it was a bit of both as referenced above from Val.

It does not make sense why she chose to do what she did with the kind of person you describe her ex to be. People make strange choices in life and sometimes become a victim of their poor decisions. She may have her regrets JDOP. You sound like a sincere person and she probably will regret giving that up.

The thing is though, you need to let this go, and consider her gone forever. This is not poor reflection of who you are, rather a negative person of who she is and not what you thought she was. The way you must look at this JDOP is that she was not a suitable candidate for a relationship with you. You deserve better and you will find better. You now my situation JDOP and I thank you for your help too!! But I am no different, I go through the motions too, I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are.

You must be strong and pull yourself together again. I know this is a set-back for you but you will get through it. I know you will but don't continue to analyze why she made her decisions as this is negative and you need to change all your behavior to positive again.

Like Skell told me a month or so ago, there will be many ups and downs for me and he was so right. There will be some for you too JDOP but you will get through it an be a much stronger person because of it..

wap · Dec 11, 2006, 09:28 AM

People do some strange things, you just have to try and draw a line for yourself and say, the ex isn't my problem anymore. If they go off the rails that will only end in someone getting hurt, it might be them. It is crazy how people leave a trail of destruction behind them isn't it?

I can tell you are angry, mad and hurt. It is OK to be all of these things. I have not really been angry that much, that is my problem. I am hurt all the time. If I was angry it might help me. I just have to turn to something to do when I feel any of these feelings. Otherwise, I would just break down in tears every time and I know this won't help me, why should I be in tears over someone who doesn't care about me?
God knows what would have happened if I hadn't deleted his no.

This is why I am at the gym and the swimming, and on this site so much. You will have so many questions in your head, I know I do, as my ex wouldn't have the decency to talk to me now, or even at the time. It screws you up big time, all you can do is try to stay strong for yourself. I have been told time heals and we will get there in the end.

JDOP · Dec 11, 2006, 09:37 AM

The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that I KNOW this guy is a jerk and that the whole thing is probably a rebound situation that will end soon anyway, anyhow. The feeling that I know that SHE is making mistakes (because this IS a serious mistake) while I'm healing, is making me feel a little bit better. I sincerely hope that she will pay the price for it later and that she will feel as I feel now. On the other hand, you are right, I am hurting a lot. It's like I am permanently being punched in stomach.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 11, 2006, 09:48 AM

Originally Posted by JDOP

The only positive thing that I can think of right now is that I KNOW this guy is a jerk and that the whole thing is probably a rebound situation that will end soon anyway, anyhow. The feeling that I know that SHE is making mistakes (because this IS a serious mistake) while I'm healing, is making me feel a little bit better. I sincerely hope that she will pay the price for it later and that she will feel as I feel now. On the other hand, you are right, I am hurting a lot. It's like I am permanently being punched in stomach.

Hi JDOP,

She will feel the pain, it will hit home but you should not wish it to happen. I understand though why you are saying it. You resent her.. Actually JDOP, after my recent mistake, I felt this way to..

HUGE RESENTMENT over the weekend.. Luckily, I just kept myself to myself and spent the weekend at my sister's house and did not contact her.

Felt like it though LOL..

Try and carry the love with you and use it to become a stronger person. Thank her for the fact that without her, you would not have felt the love you did for her.

One thing I have been doing over the past couple of days is trying to find a way to get through the anger. I thank my ex for allowing me to discover what love can be and I know that eventually I will find it again, but maybe with someone who is ready for it too.

JDOP, you will find what you want again, for now just focus on your recovery and love will find you again. Let go of this woman and realise that her mistakes are HER'S, not yours.

All the best!