[questionnaire]

So I posted a question about my ex-girlfriend about two weeks ago asking for advice, and you guys all did an awesome job steering me in the right direction, so thanks for that. Now I come to you with a new question, same girl.

We broke up because she wanted to experience the single life again. Whatever, I've come to realize that she's always on the hunt for the next best thing, and won't be satisfied with any one thing until she deals with some big personal issues. However, this girl doesn't like to cut ties with people, especially ex-boyfriends (me). About two weeks ago, I told her we couldn't be friends because it messed with me head too much, and she didn't want to hear it. However, I go to community college with her and am in some of the same classes, so I cannot avoid her all the time. Thus, No Contact has not been followed for the time being.

Basically, over these past two weeks I've come to see the real her a lot more clearly, and it annoys me. She has completely changed. Before I met her, she was a big partier. She drank a lot and was out every night. The summer before I met her, she would throw parties several nights a week, and loved being the center of attention at them. When we dated, she told me how glad she was to finally have that in her past, and she was proud to announce that she didn't need to drink anymore to have fun. I told her that was good, because the old her was far too crazy for me to ever consider dating, and I told her I wouldn't have been interested in her back then. And now, she's back to that crazy, attention craving, loud girl. Now to be fair, I could always see that she was the type of girl that will need attention, but I believed her when she told me that she didn't want that life anymore.

Granted, I'm know I'm being bitter, but she's been trying to play games again. Friday night she purposely told me she was hanging out with a guy that she had previously told me was trying to get with her and she "thought he was a creep," I'm sure just to get under my skin. I'm not claiming I'm totally over her, because I am still attracted to her physically, but I've never disliked her more emotionally. I have no intentions of trying to date her again, but I'm just beginning to feel like the entire time I dated this girl she was putting on a front to cover up who she really was.

I can't totally avoid seeing this girl for now, and I'll admit I do occasionally go out to lunch with her between classes or to the mall after school with her. But, it's like I'm seeing two different version of her now. The cool, down to earth girl I knew, and the pre-dating me her, the attention craving one. I understand that this is probably going to be a regular cycle for her until she sorts out these personally issues, but she can sometimes see that she's getting on my nerves now. However, I've been avoiding telling her why.

So here's my question. Do I tell her how I feel, how I can't stand how she's completely changed and become the girl she claimed a couple months ago she was so glad to be rid of, or is that a waste of breath? I wanted to avoid hating her, but it seems like that's the path I'm on unless I can at least say what's bugging me about her. I know I'll probably hear from you guys that she' my ex and why am I still worrying about what she does, but I just feel like I need to get this off my chest. Plus, if it is stupid, you guys will tell me and then I can avoid doing something stupid :)

Also, a side question along with this. One of my best friends who also happens to be good friends with her, the one that sort of nudged us to get together in the first place, has raised some doubt in my head. I told him about the whole situation, and he completely sided with me. He said that he's known her for years, and that this is what she does to guys, and I just have to avoid her and get over her. Cool, good advice. Now I find out about a week ago that he and my ex want to go on a date when he returns from college. They've been good friends for awhile, and I'm sure there's no romantic interest on either side. But, something about it just bugs me. He clearly knows the struggle that I've been going through, and for him to plan a date like that, rather than just plan on hanging out together with friends, is weird to me. She told me he was worried about doing it because he didn't want to upset me, but I just played it cool with her and said not to worry about it. Should I bring it up to my friend, or just let it play out and see what happens? I wouldn't put this past my ex for a second, but I didn't think my good friend would do something like this, especially right after my break-up.

[liz28]

I think that you should't let this girl get under your skin and you need to stop hanging around her. You don't owe her anything.

I think that if you was to tell her about her ways and your dislike for her lifestyle it wouldn't mean anything to her, and tou stated that yourself. In the end that would only leave her thinking that you want to be bother with her, which you already told her that you didn't, or your jealous and want to interfer with her life.

At this point she is your ex and she has the right to do what she wants. If she wants to drink or party then let her. If she wants to datye 3 guys at the same time, then there is nothing for you to do. Instead of worring about her life and her wrong you need to focus on your life because that is the only one that you can control.

[questionnaire]

True, her life is hers, mine is mine. But whenever she asks me what's bugging me, it's her. I just don't tell her that.

I know the way to avoid dealing with this: don't see her. But with all of our mutual friends being in town from college for thanksgiving for the next week or two, I'm bound to see her. So what do I do then, act like she isn't there? The situation is inevitable to a certain degree for now.

The romantic feelings that swayed my thoughts aren't there anymore. It's just the fact that she still bugs me, and I'll admit, can spark jealously in me from time to time. But that doesn't make me want her anymore, it just shows me the kind of girl she really is. The jealously feels more like a territorial angry thing, not the sadness type thing I was experiencing a couple weeks ago.

[talaniman]

You look at it any way you want, but the constant contact is still keeping the feelings stirred up, and the confusion present. Its one thing to see her around, and totally another to hang out with her.

Trust me, that has to stop.

[questionnaire]

All right, fair enough. While I feel like I'm much more in control of my emotions that I was last time I asked for help, I can see how it's still a bad idea to hang out.

So what's your opinion then, forget telling her anything and avoid communication? Ignore her and give short concise answers when verbally addressed by her, avoiding lengthy conversations?

Also, what about the thing with my friend, just to get another perspective on that situation.

[xxariesxx]

Alright, fair enough. While I feel like I'm much more in control of my emotions that I was last time I asked for help, I can see how it's still a bad idea to hang out.

So what's your opinion then, forget telling her anything and avoid communication? Ignore her and give short concise answers when verbally addressed by her, avoiding lengthy conversations?

Also, what about the thing with my friend, just to get another perspective on that situation.

Yeah exactly. Glad to know you're more in control of your thoughts of the situation, the healing process is great for perspective!

What the other posters said, you do need to stop talking with her and seeing her. Don't go to lunch with her in between classes. Don't go to the mall with her. Sure she might be hurt, but it's only because she wants that attention from you and is being selfish. If she cared about your feelings she will understand you need space and will respect that.

If you have to ignore her that is completely fine, like the first poster said, you don't owe her anything anymore. And yes avoid communication as much as possible. It will be really difficult but do it for yourself.

About your friend, I can see why that would upset you, I would feel the same way if my friend went out with an ex boyfriend (even if it's "date", meeting, whatever). It's a little different though since he was friends with her this whole time as well and so has some loyalty to her as well.
If you don't suspect any romantic involvement I wouldn't let it bother you. And if it does bother you there's nothing wrong with telling him that it WOULD bother you if they started dating. Don't talk to her about this though, just stay away from her.

Hope you keep feeling better, take care.

[holeinheart21]

Ok, I have to say that I am in the very same situation that you are in and actually up until just a few days ago, I spent much of my day sitting there contemplating how much I just wanted to tell her how she had gone back to her old ways and so forth, but after sitting and taking a little time to look at the situation as a big picture, I realized what needed to be done.

My ex was much the partier and needed to be center of attention prior to meeting me. Then when we were together she would tell me that she was done with that life and it was fun but it was all behind her. So throughout our relationship, that was all in the past, and that had nothing to do with any influence by me, she merely CHOSE that. Well then comes the end of the relationship and we didn't talk for a month... I wanted to so badly, and I just wanted to tell her how I felt and such, but I listened to the advice of those on here and didn't.

Well, as soon as she ended the relationship, she had to be the center of attention again and had to be in the middle of everything, and started going out and drinking and partying all the time. She even resorted to hanging out with a bunch of people whom she disliked and that had stabbed her in the back. I couldn't understand why she would be going back to that life, after she had said that it was in the past. It bugged me to think that, and it hurt to see her doing that, and eventually I realized, it is because we care about them, and we see that they are just falling back in the old ways, and it is sad to see that... but the thing is that we can see it and we COULD tell them, but the reality of it is, no matter what we would say or how we would say it, they still won't get it. It is a maturity issue... or in a better sense, it is a maturity of the mind issue. They would rather go out and do whatever they can, to avoid having to look at the situation they just put themselves in. Just as with both girls and guys, this is why REBOUNDS exist. It is an opportunity to forget the past for that period, because they have something else to occupy their mind... so they can put of dealing with their actions for as long as possible. They don't realize that they will follow the path of a wheel and will just continue to wind up back at this point over and over again, until they are able to be mature enough to see what we see. I also was told by many people that its too bad that nobody warned me, because this was her usual way of dealing with guys... and well that right there explains why they go out and drink again and have to be the center of attention... remember the WHEEL, well, if they will continue to go around in circles with their social life, then why would their love life be any different?? It isn't, they meet a guy, get what they want, then change their mind, go back to their old ways, meet another guy, get what the want, then go back to their old ways... until they eventually get sick of going in circles, and mature enough to realize what they are doing.

The unfortunate part is, that there is very little that we can do. I has taken a lot of sleepless nights and hours thinking for me to understand that. You know how everyone on here talks about taking care of YOU, and worrying about YOU, and only focusing on YOU... well they are completely right. That is the only thing that we can control, and even though it sucks to see them taking steps backwards instead of forwards... think about it, if they were mature enough to take steps forwards, then they would still be in the relationship, because that is the direction that we want to go and will go.

My ex has been contacting me wanting to be friends and so forth and I also have to see her in similar public social location as well, but oh well. She never in the month, and not even now, has she wanted to talk to me about how stupid her decision was and so forth, and that is because she doesn't want to deal with the truth of her actions. I can see her in a public location and feel completely good about myself and even smile when I see her because the point is, I know that I always did what I could and I know that I wasn't the one that sold out on the relationship... and unfortunately, that is something she will never be able to tell herself. After my ex started contacting me again, I communicated with her for a little bit, but then after a week or two I have finally started to see all the messed up things she says and does, and I realized that she was only crying for attention. They can't stand it that we would not give them the attention, and it even got to the point, since I have stopped talking to her for a few days now, that she wrote and wanted to know why I wasn't talking to her anymore. Well, I had realized that I didn't owe her anything, and that it was pointless for me to communicate with her because she was only doing it for my attention and when it was convenient for her. Also, by not talking, then we no longer have to deal with the annoying and screwed up things that they are doing. Look, those things were there all along, but we were so blinded by them and willing to overlook them, that we didn't recognize them. We accepted them as they were and therefore we didn't judge them Well, now we can judge them without any worry, and we see the REAL person that is inside them and also many of these annoying acts are their cry for attention also. They will say and do stupid things because they think that other people find them funny or because someone laughed when they said or did one of those annoying things, but because we are above that maturity level, it just annoys us because we see how childish the acts are. These are all things they will have to figure out on their own. It took me a long time to realize that, but I have finally begun to notice, that it is true. If you talk to her and try to tell her those things, you aren't going to get any kind of response that you like and it will just make things even worse. Think about it, how many people ever take well to someone telling them about their problems?

As for the games, well that is to be expected. That is part of the maturity of the mind problem. It sucks for us, but it will only suck if we let it get to us. This is all part of their cry for attention. They are not sure enough of themselves, therefore they have to have the approval of everyone else. Even if they were to try to sit there and tell you that they don't care what everyone else thinks, that is the farthest thing from correct... the fact is, they care more about what everyone else thinks about them, than they care about what they think of themselves. The games will continue only as long as you let them. You have to take control of the situation and just do things for yourself. That is your best weapon both against her, and against dealing with the issues at hand. You will feel good and you feeling good, is what you are looking for. A dove chocolate wrapper had a great quote in it "Smile. People will wonder what you are up to." Stop worrying about all her issues, and just smile at the fact that you are you and the best you can be is the BEST YOU! Let her worry about herself, you already gave it your all, and she gave that up.

As for you friend and her going out on a date... well that wrong. First of all, once again it shows the kind of person she is. She should know better than to even consider that as an option, and that is just a simple sign of respect. It just goes to show that she is only concerned about herself and not you, and she has already shown that to be true. Also, your friend, he, even more than her, should know that this is not an option. At least not for a long time. If he is your good friend, your friendship should be worth far more than ever even considering going on a date with your ex. They are both in the wrong there, and to be honest, you shouldn't say anything, but think about it... are those people really worth to you what you thought they were? You friend is supposed to be there for you throughout this whole situation and do whatever he has to, in order to help you get through this, no matter whether he was friends with her before that or not. It's not right to just kind of stab you in the back and go out on a date with the woman that just screwed you over. I think you really need to assess that friendship as well. Once again, you need to look out for yourself. Why would you want a girl like that in your life in any way, friend or girlfriend. You don't want to date a girl that would treat you badly, so why would you want friends like that?

So, stop talking to her, both in person and over the phone. Cut it all off. Forget even giving her short answers... just stop all communication. Seriously, the short answer thing will just continue to drag out. You so badly wanted to tell her about her annoying things she does and how its crazy the things she is doing all over again... well not talking to her at all, will also make that click in her head... when you no longer talk to her, she will start to think about things... seriously. Just keep doing what you are doing, and realize that you are on a different level maturity wise, and that basically you are going places, and you are driving the bus, and it was her own decision to get off the bus, so that is her loss.

Everything I told you to do in here, is exactly what I have been sticking to and am still sticking to in this identical situation. Hope this helps, and keep us updated. I'll be doing the same.

[questionnaire]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Holeinheart21, I'm glad to see that someone can relate, seeing as how you are going through a nearly identical situation as me, and that is some really sound advice.

However, there was some more development today. After our first class, I talk to her for a bit, and we had an interesting conversation. I'm purposely trying to keep my distance emotionally, and she's being her attention craving self. She tells me that she has been talking to this kid who's in our first class over the weekend, telling me all about him. I show as best I can that I really just don't care, changing the subject frequently. However, she begins to ask me how I feel about how she acts now, so I can't resist. I tell her that she plays games too much, and basically that she acts immature now. The thing is, she actually agrees with me! She knows it, and she loves it. She says that all she cares about right now is having fun, and she likes to play games with guys and mess with their heads. She says that she knows she's back to her old ways. I'm clearly disgusted, and am even less interested in talking to her.

Towards the end of the conversation, she asks if I don't like the way she is anymore. I tell that she's trying to take on some new persona, and I'm not a fan of it. The conversation leads to her telling me that she kissed this kid in our first class that she hung out with for the first time this weekend, the same one she was trying to tell me all about before. Unexpectedly, this hit me a lot harder than I thought it would. I knew she has already kissed another guy, but hearing it from her mouth was very hard for me. I stop talking for a minute, sitting there, just staring, and she says I'm making her feel horrible. I tell her that this is why I said it would be very hard for me to be friends. She basically asks if I think she's being slutty. I tell her that it's none of my business what she does with her personal life anymore.

At the very end of the conversation, she says that she's afraid that I'm on the road towards hating her. I tried to get myself together, and told her something along these lines: "I'm not going to hate you, but naturally, I liked the old you a lot better. I've never seen this side of you, but I guess this is how you're going to be from now on."

She left a bitter taste in my mouth today, but with her constantly asking what I thought of her, I just had to tell her. It was a bit sad, but nothing compared to when I actually still wanted to be with her.