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Or perhaps you could try this exercise. Fear Fear is the opposite flow to need - accompanying any need for something is an equivalent fear of losing or not obtaining it. We may become attached to the solutions we find for obtaining our needs - needs for love and affection, control and mastery, and for self-esteem and to find and fully express one's true self. Underlying those attachments is fear. A basic principle of Buddhist doctrine is that attachment leads to suffering, and to be truly happy in life we do better to replace fear with acceptance. What we resist persists. When a belief, feeling or physical sensation is stuck and just won't go away this is usually due to a lack of acceptance, underlined by fear. We resist and this only empowers and validates that which we don't like, or hate or fear. The most powerful antidote to fear is our natural ability to accept. To accept a situation does not mean we are pleased with it or resigned to it, rather it is being ourselves without demanding our past and present experience to be anything other than what it is. It is an aspect of love. So let's find something that we are not confronting - that we don't feel able to accept as it is - either in our past or current circumstances. The clue is fear - fear that a past experience will happen again or fear that we will lose something precious to us. For example, I may fear that my partner will find another man attractive and that is reinforced by a previous experience when a lover did indeed choose another man in place of me. That's a painful memory that I don't want to recur. What am I not confronting? That my partner - in the past and in the present too - does have a choice. Behind my lack of acceptance is one or more irrational beliefs or thought distortions. These lies or untruths cloud my viewpoint - I am not seeing clearly so how can I accept what is? So I need to looker deeper and in each case spot that what my mind is telling me is not helpful - really I know better. If I look honestly and drop my ego attachment... False assumption: They have no right to choose another! Truth: Do I have the right to choose my partner? Er, yes. Negative thinking: I am not good enough to keep a woman! Truth: Who says? Me - well I can change my mind about that then. Besides my present relationship is going well, it's me that's creating this idea. Generalization: All women are unfaithful! Truth: And all men too? What women do I know that are faithful? Erm, lots. Heaven's reward: It's not fair, I stayed with her for years, I deserve better! Truth: Yes, I deserved to be loved and still do, but I wasn't going to get that from a person who wanted to move on. That's the reality. I wish her well. And now I do have a loving relationship. Intolerance: It's not OK that I am not the person she wants as a partner! Truth: Well, my current partner hasn't said that, quite the opposite. I'm projecting the past situation, that it wasn't OK that she left. But I realize now that it was for the best for both of us. If it happened again the same would be true. Exaggeration: No women want me, I'm ugly and boring! Truth: That's what I think about myself. But actually plenty of women have found me attractive, including my present partner. Try this process and I'm sure you'll find some insights that can change your life around. positive-workout |
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Thanks everyone. I recognise that what I have is fear based. Fear that my wife will find someone else more attractive, more interesting through meeting more people. Yesterday her friend [woman] flew in to visit her daughter who is studying here. Her husband didn't come with her. She is staying with Kevin [those who have been following will know who Kevin is]. I discovered that my wife went to visit Kevin at his apartment despite her promising that she wouldn't do that. When I called and I asked if she had been there she denied it and suggested I was crazy. Later she mentioned that her friend had flewn in and would to spend the afternoon with her. She spent the afternoon she walked through the city and the botanical gardens and really enjoyed herself I was pleased and very calm. So I an fine when she meets her women friends, no threat. But get very anxious if I suspect she has met up with a male friend. Your info non fear helps a little but I still get anxious if she meets guys. Sorry that's me I don't know how to get passed this. I am continuing with conselling. And I have decided to have a good conversation with my wife on Sunday to try to explain my feelings and behaviour hopefully ask her to be more honest, and to allow me to know her friends as I have her. Hopefully it will be a start. |
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Hi QLP Yes we did get him over for dinner and Friday my wife, her daughter, her friend from China, Kevin and I also went out for dinner. He is a family friend from China and apparently a link in this country for from them as he has been here for 4 years whilst my wife and her friend are new to this country, therefore they look to him for guidance I guess. I accept that he is a family friend. But I am still not comfortable with my wife spending too much time with him. A couple of time she spent 2 hours over coffee and went grocery shopping. Last Thursday I suspect she went to his apartment even after she promised she wouldn't do that again. I don't believe there is anything going on between them as I said I now accept that they are family friends, but my old fashioned western view tells me that it is inappropriate for a married woman to visit a guys apartment or spend too much time with single male friends. Today I will have a heart to heart with my wife in order to answer a couple of nagging questions honestly and for me to try to explain quite calmly why I have this fear that makes me this way.. |
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 Originally Posted by clickaus
However, your head is so full of them you seem to have lost the art of empathy to an extent. It happens when our own feelings are overwhelming. Can I suggest that before you next have a talk with your wife you sit and try and picture yourself in her shoes. Imagine yourself in a strange country where you feel your communication skills are lacking. Imagine how it feels to not understand the culture and be constantly questioned about your natural behaviour because it doesn't seem to fit in. Imagine your partner is busy at work and you are left to your own devices to navigate this strange place. Imagine there is a familiar face who can help you learn to fit in and who understands where you come from. Try and feel for yourself how strong the need to have that contact with something familiar would be. Now imagine that your partner is unhappy about it, you don't want to hurt them but you cannot tend to your own needs alone. Imagine how torn that must make you feel. I mean really try and feel what it would be like to be in your wife's position. Then try and communicate from a position of understanding of BOTH of your needs and fears. |
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Thanks, good reasoning. How do I learn to be more trusting, less paranoid and less jealous whilst still asking to be 'in the loop' as it were, as communication does need to be both ways. We had a heart to heart at the weekend. Didn't go well as she got upset, I was calm, I needed answers to some questions. I also I understand, because of my current nature, why she chooses to tell me stories or hide the truth, but I explained that by telling me stories I can sense when something doesn't add up and it makes me more anxious, so I prefer her to be honest. I asked about her going to the rear of her old apartments... she again denied, then I showed her how I knew, of course again she wasn't happy, but then she said she went down there so it was quiet to talk to me on the phone, not true, then she said she had nothing to do so she walked there just for somewhere to go, it was a dead end and she knows that that didn't make sense... so I still believe she was hiding something but I wasn't able to get that without making the whole thing worse. I fear, as I have been advised, if I am not careful I will damage something special to me.. I have said I will try hard to correct my ways, somehow, and she agrees to be more honest in her communications with me. I truly hope that this will be the start of a different outlook. It will be hard for me but I need to do something. I am still seeing the counselor and will ask if she thinks I should ask my wife to attend. Thanks you all for your patience. |
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You change your behavior by changing your thinking. Most of us have formed bad habits by doing them over and over, for a long time so to reprogram your brain you practice doing the right things the right way over and over for a long time until the new habit becomes second nature and the old way is forgotten. It's a matter of practicing and takes patience, and time, as making adjustments can be hard and frustrating at first, but gets easier as you keep doing it. |
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Thank you Talaniman I will try to adjust my frame of mind... My wife admitted telling lies about meeting up with Kevin. She says to avoid conflict knowing how I am saying also that she can look at me and say she has not done anything wrong. Although she says she did lie it wasn't a big or bad lie... I said that maybe so but it was lie enough to make me worried... perhaps about the wrong thing but without any other information it was enough to make me worried, which fuelled much of my behaviour. Now I have to adjust my behaviour and hope and trust she adjusts her behaviour. Thanks guys. Just a footnote: After having this heart to heart over the weekend. I discovered an entry in her diary for this week reminding her it is Bruce's Birthday... who the hell is Bruce. She keeps telling me she doesn't have any friends here. What am I supposed to think and how am I supposed to act? I am so confused. Trying to do the right thing and it seems I get another kick. Of course the entry was written in Chinese. So it was difficult for me to read. Just don't know how to react to this. |
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Originally Posted by clickaus
Why were you going through her diary? Bruce could be someone back home. Are going to grill her about him? I thought you had learned something through all these post and then you snoop through her diary. I don't know what to say. |
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Originally Posted by clickaus
You are making progress and taking baby steps toward having more self Confidence. Give your wife a break. How fluent is your Chinese? Bruce could be a friend of hers from China. Please don't start doing the cross examination again and don't worry about Bruce. Keep seeing your counselor and stop worrying about every little move she makes. You are a nice guy and probably a handsome guy. If she didn't love you she wouldn't be there. Have some self esteem. Okay?:) |
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Thanks KitKat I don't believe Bruce is someone from China, I could be wrong. I am a basket case sometimes I know. I just get so frightened. I still see the counselor once a week. Cheers I do appreciate the help My Chinese is not so great to be honest. Just a few words in Cantonese [my wife speaks Mandarin] and I only recognize maybe a handful of characters, certainly not enough to make any sense of. |
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Bruce could be anyone including a boyfriend/ex-boyfriend of her daughter, a past co-worker, a friend, or even a family pet. I used to have Chris' Birthday marked on my calender. Chris was our dog. Are you going to get yourself worked up over every name you don't recognize? It could be a trap to see if you are invading her privacy by reading (or trying to) her diary. |
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If only you would stop acting out of fear, and impulse, you would be a more relaxed guy. But the more you snoop, the more questions your mind has, and the more you start to question everything. From your talk with your wife, you should know she feels she has to shade the truth with you already, and that's not a good sign, and that's what you have to work on. Making her comfortable to tell you the whole truth without recrimination. Now your snooping through her diary, and getting carried away by an entry you can't even understand. Just another thing for you to freak out on, and make you see yet another boogy man, around yet another corner. I highly suggest you come clean about your insecurities, and maybe together you can unpack your past baggage and get on some normal ground. I feel she has to know, so she can be brutally honest with you, or you will find yourself driving her away by the way you let small thing grow into big scary things.
Quote by Clickaus in April, 2010
We have know each other just a few months. Met in Early January, went on a mini break on 26 Jan and Proposed, married March 7. Know also that a factor in all this is the fact that you have to be a lot more open than most married couples, because you didn't have the benefit of much courtship, or dating, and the motives behind this marriage was more about what she represented to you, than what you both shared over time. You never got to know, love, and accept her, because you never spent the time to find out, and even now, at best, neither of you have had a chance to explore the depth of your characters, and personalities, so you don't have the skills to work together to solve your issues, as if the time was taken to know one another well, I seriously doubt you would be married. Now your are dealing with the process of gaining knowledge of each other, and gaining trust to be honest and open with each other. For most this takes a few years of dating, talking, listening, and interacting, but as your finding out, its really difficult to compress years of learning about one another, into a few MONTHS and under the constraints of marriage, which is a lifetime commitment, and requires plenty of thought. You skipped all that, and went straight in with much baggage (thats getting in the way of a true honeymoon), and are now scuffling to make sense of what you have done. That's an enormous process that you don't seem to have the skills, or the patience for, and if I were in your shoes, I would lay the whole mess on the table, so you both can see what's going on, and come to an agreement of how to move forward, and how to define the boundaries of good behavior so you can either build something, or leave each other alone. That's how healthy people would deal with things, and not let fear keep leading you down these dark, and destructive paths. To bad you can't just relax, and enjoy the process, instead of throwing obstacles at yourself. |
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