[asking]

Clickaus,
If my boyfriend had coffee with a woman he met at the mall, I'd be feeling insecure too. But most people here don't seem to agree. Maybe some of us are more given to jealousy.

And, also, I can't imagine myself talking to a security guard in a way that would suggest that he should even ask to have coffee with me. And if he did I would say thanks but no, absolutely if I was in a relationship. Saying yes starts to look like you are interested in being picked up. And what are you going to say to the guy next time you need to pick up some socks at Penny's? Are we best buds now? Just my take.

I somehow missed this particular comment of hers earlier. Like you, I would be unhappy, though I know a lot of people think it's cool.

All that said, I think you married someone who is outgoing and feels this is fine. So you need to find a way to accommodate it and learn to trust. Tell her it makes you sad and anxious, but don't lay down rules or try to control her. She's a free person. It's tough!

How was the dinner?

[clickaus]

Thanks Asking, you get my concern. You are spot on in my concern about how did she even get into the conversation in the first place that got to asking to have coffee, I am so confused. I don't want to interrogate her as Kit Kat suggested I was doing but I need to be clear in my heart and my mind as to what she was thinking when she got into that kind of conversation with him... its OK to say hi in passing with people you see in passing on a day to day basis, but what conversation do you have once you've asked Hi how are you and lovely weather we are having. I have tendencies to be jealous, sure, it is a human condition, but only when events trigger it. How do I ascertain these things without appearing controlling, and how do I let her know that doing has, not made me mistrust her but makes me uncomfortable.

[Kitkat22]

The gps, are you still doing that?

[clickaus]

Not as often

[talaniman]

You need to develop coping skills to help you deal with those feelings and given your age, and experiences you would have already gotten them under control.This is not about her, or what she does, its about the way you react to it.

Basically you are so scared and insecure, you want to basically change what she does, how she does it, to make you stop shaking in your boots, and thinking the worst.

I talk a lot of people being carried away by their feelings and it leads them on a roller coaster of intense feelings and decisions and choices based on those feelings.

Maybe counseling has not progressed enough to the point of you being guided to positive ways to handle your feelings yet, and I am at a loss really as to what advice to give you as frankly I am unable to understand your lack of honest communications with your own wife that can put all of this to bed.

But first you would have to face some facts about yourself, and the actions you have taken thus far, because of your insecure tendencies, and high level of discomfort.

Dude your suffering and missing a lot of happiness and release that can come with a full disclosure, a confession of wacky behavior and be willing to show your complete heart in an honest way.

She probably has no clue the extent of your insecurities and fears, and cannot work with you until she knows the truth. At least she deserves a chance to make a decision based on facts.

Maybe she will be shocked, and hurt, or maybe she will understand, or maybe both. You will never know, and be caught in the trap of your own mind forever unless you do.

Confess it all, and come clean to her, after all she is supposed to be your wife and a relationship built on fear, insecurity, and lies is doomed any way.

[Kitkat22]

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I really think you have had jealousy problems with all the women in your life. By that I mean you are an insecure person.

You haven't stopped with the spying. This tells me you are never going to trust a woman and your wife is the latest one.

Get help.. Please.

[CarrotTalker]

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I really think you have had jealousy problems with all the women in your life. By that I mean you are an insecure person.

You haven't stopped with the spying. This tells me you are never going to trust a woman and your wife is the latest one.

Get help..Please.

He already is working with a counselor and he does seem to be making some progress, albeit slow. I can understand your frustration Kitkat, but you do seem to be a bit on the attack, even though he is asking some legitimate questions. I don't think tearing him apart is going to push him the right direction.

His question of: "How do I ascertain these things without appearing controlling, and how do I let her know that doing has, not made me mistrust her but makes me uncomfortable." shows some flexibility and progress.

[Kitkat22]

He does have trust issues and is still using the GPS. Yes he is trying. I also feel he is not very secure about himself and he does need to work on that. And I don't think tearing him apart is what I'm doing. Just trying to get him to realize his insecurities are going to drive his wife away. Thanks for the opinion.

[clickaus]

Hi y'all

Kitkat, you say 'Knock off the questions', if I have concerns I need to find a way to communicate these concerns with my wife in a way that is not confrontational, controlling or appearing to be too jealous [I believe a little jealousy in a relationship is healthy as it shows care, concern and true feelings], it would be unhealthy to bottle them up to fester. I have just been asking for a way I can do this. I am very aware that I am dealing with two cultures here I need to show her that the culture here is so much different to China. People in China are very sociable, but here is quite different if a guy asks a women to have coffee with him there is usually an ulterior motive. Not just to be sociable. I need to have this peace of mind and heart that she understands this and these are the reasons I feel this way. I am just looking for guidance to help communicate this.. I feel that 'Asking' has an understanding of my feelings here whereas most others are essentially saying 'pull yourself together man'

[clickaus]

Don't get me wrong, I thank everybody for their input, it does help.

[Kitkat22]

Look, you love your wife and I have a suggestion. If she doesn't go to counseling with you, then ask her to go. She might understand your feelings more if someone else talked with her about your fear of her being too trusting. I do agree it could be dangerous for her.

I'm not suggesting you are a bad person, you need some self confidence and I hope your counselor is helping you do that.

She's with you and if she didn't love you she wouldn't be there.

[clickaus]

Thanks KitKat I will ask her

[Kitkat22]

Thanks KitKat I will ask her

You are very welcome clickaus. Have some confidence in yourself. You seem like a nice guy... Kit:)

[talaniman]

You can plot and scheme, any worry about culture, and motives all you want. That's irrelevant. The only thing that makes a relationship work between any one is an honest expression of concerns and actions so you can both get on the same page.

That means talking and listening to each other so nobody has to be a mind reader, and you both can have the facts to make adjustments and decisions about.

I can sense the deep rooted fear you are having with talking to her, but unless you do, you will always be strangers to each others wants, needs, hopes, and dreams, and can never working together to resolve any issues you have, and there are many to address.

No Honest Communications, No Marriage. It's that simple so get over your fear, and dig in. No I am not being harsh, just trying to give you advise and motivation to get to the truth of the matter and build the necessary bonds to have a complete relationship with out the shams of mistrust and deceit that paralyzes you from doing the right thing for yourself.

[Kitkat22]

What I'm afraid of is the fear you have of losing her. If you both can communicate and come to terms and change the things that are making you both miserable.

I really hope you will lose the gps and tell your counselor about it.
As I suggested she needs to know exactly what you fear and what causes you to react with mistrust.

I really hope all this can be ironed out. Good Luck

[positiveparent]

Ive read first 6 pages of this thread then decided to skip ahead to this one.

OP I noticed way back at the start of this thread you mentioned, your last partner or wife, not sure which, had cheated on you?

You said you found this out through the GPS on a phone?

In view of this I would say that's where your problems lie, you're still insecure because of being cheated on in the past, and you have got to come to terms with that or it is going to ruin this relationship or any relationship for that matter.

This insecurity you have about your wife cheating on you or being led astray is nothing to do with what she's done or hasn't done, it's that you've brought your excess baggage from an old relationship into this one. If you resolve that then I feel you will stand more of a chance this time around, you also mention often you want reassurances, from your new wife.

That's unrealistic she cannot spend her time telling you how wonderful or marvellous you are Im sure she shows you in her own way.

If you really want this marriage to work then you need to seriously get these old relationship insecurities out of your head.

Check this link out and see how you fit the description. If you see signs in it that you are having in your own life then follow the suggestions for coping with the areas you can see in your life.

All and any insecurities you have are mainly manifesting because of the past problems you have had, you need to learn to put those behind you, and take this new wife for who and what she is, don't tar her with the same brush.

Hope this helps somehow.

I feel you run a high risk of sending her right into the arms of another man because you obviously don't trust her and that's the surest way of losing her to whatever it is you're not trusting her in.

You have to seek your own validation you cannot get that from anyone else. She's your wife not a source for you being given validation of your own self worth...
Why not just enjoy your time with her and stop obsessing over will she won't she betray me... in doing this you'll be seeing something untowards in every step she makes, she will sense your mistrust and do things without telling you rather than give you more reasons to mistrust her, and a vicious circle is created.

[clickaus]

Hi
PositiveParent, thank you for your input. I had a look at your link, but I don't believe this fits who I am, I don't consider myself with the symptoms of Helplessness. I have a fear of losing who I care for. I have a fear of her becoming interested in someone else [by casually getting to know other people], or a fear of someone else getting interested in her [by guys asking her to have coffee with them] In her Chinese culture she thinks of this as being sociable in the Western world guys think of this as picking up. She she sees this as being friendly within her community, I don't see it that way, therefore I get this fear. As you say, she is knows of my concern if she meets up with someone, someone she may think of as a friend, and will not mention it, but if/when I feel or know she has told me different to that then I start to wonder why she has told me a different story to what I see. There lies the vicious circle

[Cat1864]

clickaus, here's a very basic question for you: How do you make new friends without talking to strangers? Is she supposed to have only female friends? Is she supposed to only have friends that you introduce her to?

She doesn't tell you about everyone she meets and talks to-you get suspicious. She tells you about them-you say you see it differently than she does and get suspicious. What is she supposed to do?

Not every male is looking to make a conquest of every female he meets. I have a very good male friend who introduced me to my husband.

Do you limit your conversations with strangers only to men? Do you smile only at men? Do you ignore the entire female population including your step-daughter?

[positiveparent]

OP if your wife is keeping things from you its because she knows that by telling you everything it ends up giving her more grief and then you don't trust her anyway, so she's not telling you things, not to deceive you but to prevent you giving her a hard time.

Ive done this with an ex of mine because in being honest all it got me was more hassle, so I just said nothing.

You may not like this but if you don't stop this you're going to drive her away, you're also making her life unhappy by not trusting her, and these trust issues you have are all mostly in your own mind and the result of your not resolving issues from a past relationship.

You're turning into a control freak, mild one maybe none the less you're still trying to control your wife.

She's going to end up being damaged by something she's totally innocent of, she's a human she's entitled to make friends male or female, you don't own her.

From what Ive heard about oriental ladies they make excellent loving and faithful wives.

You're the creator of your own unhappiness. No one else.
The following might help

Working Through Your Trust Issues
By: L. Lee Scott

At the root of all trust issues is a past betrayal. Whether abused as a child or cheated on by a spouse, the betrayed person will go through life seeing herself as less desirable than others, or believing herself to be unlovable. She will keep others at a distance, avoiding intimate relationships. Only by working through these trust issues - or, rather, lack of trust issues - can the person learn to maintain a healthy boundary while still letting others in.

The deepest issues stem from child abuse, whether sexual, physical or emotional. Sexual and physical abuse are easier to be aware of as an adult, but emotional abuse can cause even more psychological problems and trust issues in an adult abuse survivor. As children who were abused grow up, they may perceive that others will not love them for making mistakes or behaving in certain ways. They also might have a hard time saying "no" to people they care about and people in positions of authority.

All humans are born with a fundamental need to be loved and to love. When children don't receive love, as adults they'll feel a lack of self-worth, that their feelings don't matter, that they lack personal power and that they are unlovable. With these thoughts can come an inability to trust others or their own gut feelings, or a pattern of continuing to trust the wrong people.

When an adult is in an intimate relationship and is betrayed by a partner - whether cheated on, abandoned or abused - she may internalize some of the same ideas as the abused child. She feels powerless, unlovable, and that she is responsible for the betrayal or deserved it.

If, at this point, the adult doesn't begin to realize that these internal beliefs are flawed and can hurt her just as much as the hurtful betrayal of another, she'll go on to develop relationships with other abusers or to find inappropriate coping mechanisms such as addictions, perfectionism, misplaced anger or symptoms of physical illness such as high blood pressure or migraines. In any case, she may find herself unable to trust another person enough to form a truly intimate relationship.

To work through your trust issues, you need to recognize the source of the betrayal and the cause of your anger. If you've been wearing a mask of "I don't care" or "I don't need anyone," it's time to drop the mask and examine yourself. If the betrayal occurred in childhood or hurt you very deeply, it can be helpful to have a therapist or counselor advise you as you work through these issues.

After you dig up and acknowledge your real feelings, it's time to understand and express them. Even in an otherwise healthy relationship, it's easy to express your feelings the wrong way. For example, you may say, "You never come home when you say you will," after your partner stays out too late. Remember that you're responsible for your own feelings and actions, and you can't control the other person's behavior.

Say instead something like, "I felt hurt and worried last night, and I don't like feeling like that." Focusing on your feelings instead of the other person's behavior may help him to actually listen and hear you. If he does listen to you, you've both made a step towards resolving your trust issues. If, on the other hand, he refuses to listen to how you feel, you may want to reassess the relationship. Just the act of stating or owning your feelings is a step toward recovering trust.

Next, you need to examine your history of relationships. If you see a pattern of behavior, such as repeatedly choosing people who are verbally or physically abusive, you should consider changing both the behavior and your boundaries, two important factors in trust issues. Boundaries can be externally physical (like "your space" or "comfort zone"), sexual (you determine when, where, how and with whom you choose to be sexual), or internal and emotional (only you are in control of how you feel and what you think, and the same is true for others).

You need to "say good-bye" to past abuses or betrayals after seeing how they've been affecting your life. It's likely that you haven't truly done that, even if you think you have. Then you can grieve for those memories you've put behind you. You're giving up an old familiar way of thinking and acting, and that can be both difficult and painful. But it is a vital step in resolving your own trust issues.

Finally, use what you've learned about your feelings and your boundaries to establish relationships in which you assume responsibility for your feelings and actions, and the other person does the same. By healing past betrayals, forgiving the betrayer and yourself - especially your child-self - and taking responsibility for your adult-self, you can reestablish your ability to trust and overcome your trust issues.

http://www.life123.com/relationships...t-issues.shtml

[Kitkat22]

Take the advice you have been given. I wish you you luck and I hope you and your wife will have a long and happy marriage.

It's possible... but you have to stay in counseling and let up a little.
Let her have friends and don't question everything she does.

Every woman needs her own friends and so do you. Good Luck.