[ISneezeFunny]

... I say she's playing you... quite well. Things are perfect, no? You're within phone reach, but not physically close enough so that she has to commit to anything. It may as well be one of those international relationship scams... except you're not giving her money for her visa, you're giving her your affection.

I know it seems impossible, but you have to snap out of this and realize that she may not even want to be with you... and may be saying these things because she likes the attention.

As for now, be a little unavailable. Don't pick up EVERY time she calls... and if you miss her call, call her back the next day. Talk to her every once in a while... and just seem busy. Actually, BE busy. Go out with your friends and family and do the things you enjoy.

From there, she'll either try to pursue you more, or just drop you like a bad habit.. . in either case, you'll see what her true intentions are.

[Fixer12]

Yea, what usually ends up happening is she will leave me alone for about a day or so, or even a week. Then she will come back saying, "oh i saw something that reminded me of you." or saying she wants to be together, but she never seems to have the time to actually want to make things work.

[Spikeman]

If she does not have the time then don't waste your time.

[Fixer12]

SO a week from today I will be going back to my original home town. I have not been there for about half a year... so 6 months. I am going up there with some friends (who are originally from there) to go biking up at the ski hill. I am extremely nervous because there are a lot of old friends who have turned on me. And my ex girlfriend who had always been playing with my mind for the last year of my life. Plus it is their homecoming wekeend, so I don't want to run into her and her new squeeze either.

Lately I have been in a much better place. I am starting to really enjoy life, and the single life. It took me about a year to get to this place. I don't want going back to my hometown to bring all this back. I know I am going to feel all kinds of memories, and what not. But honeslty I am kind of scared. I have beeen having dreams about my ex lately, and I even wonder if I should even tell any of these people I am going up there. In ways I want to just to see what type or reaction I get out of them, or even when they see me (cause I changed a lot since they all last saw me). I don't want to have these dreams anymore, I want to be able to go up there without a care in the world, but for some reason my head is doubting me.

Any advice and help would be wonderful! Thank you!

[lengkyx]

Wow. Hmmm. I think I know how you feel. What's creating that anxiety is your focus on the people back there. It's your chance to see them after quite a while. I think you have to focus on the friends you're going to hang with. Give your loyalty to them 'cause your WITH them and not the people you may or may not see anyway.

Second thought, you may arrange to see the other guys before you go. Don't mix them up. You'll end up trying to talk to everybody.

[jjwoodhull]

You made plans with your friends - they deserve your attention. Just go and have fun. Try not to think about all the other BS. If you do run into them, they will see that you have lots of friends and are happy.

As for the dreams, you are probably having them because you are stressed about this situation.

[Fixer12]

First off. Thank you both for replying. I was surprised when no one had yet.

I think that going back is going to be all right. I just need to do like jjwoodhull said. Just try and focus on having fun with my friends. You both are right. There are a lot of emotions going through my head cause yes, I am nervous. I really want to have a good time without the bother of worrying about it. Unfortunately I know I will worry about it

[talaniman]

unfortunately I know I will worry about it

Yes sir, that is your problem, worrying about things that haven't happened. I think once you actually get going, you will feel better.

[Fixer12]

I really like my ex. She claims she really likes me. When she and I are together, everything feels wonderful. The only problem is... I live about 5 hours away from her... so I can only see her every... 2 weeks at most.

Recently she and I hadn't talked for a while, I finally went back up to the town she lives in... we had seen each other.. talked... cried... and tried to make amends... We had both decided that we wanted to give it a go... For the first couple a days... it was going great. She was being really happy, showing me a lot of attention. We both seemed to be getting along great.
Now. As she goes to class she would text me a lot less. I don't get replies from her as much... and she just doesn't seem to have the same amount of time to dedicate to me that I do for her. She gets out of school... then goes to work... then when she gets off we will talk to for a bit.

What I am wondering is there a problem with me? I like being able to text her all the time. I like being able to text her whenever I want. She does, but it doesn't bother her if she can't. If she doesn't reply for a while when she is in class... I start getting worried. I will feel down until I hear from her. Lately when that happens, she shows me that everything is OK... in the past when we dated... she would blow me off... so I felt like she is doing that again sometimes too. I feel like I will text her too much. If I don't get a reply for about an hour... or something... I start wondering what is up... even though I know she is in class.

She says during her lunch break before that she would call me... during the last few days she says she can't because she has been to busy, but by the end of the day she still seems like she loves me the same.

How can I balance out this relationship without worrying about what she might be doing? How can I keep my head on straight without being worried. Any advice here will be great. I am trying ot be the best guy I can be so I don't turn her off to wanting me... but I don't want to feel worried all the time. It drains my energy, and I feel exhausted and almost depressed.

[talaniman]

You need to recognize your are to needy, and insecure for a long distance relationship to work, and correct yourself. She is showing you how to do this, but your not listening or paying attention. Both are relationship killers.

Get a healthy life, so you have something beside jealousy, and insecurity, to share with this female.

How? By doing things that you enjoy without her, and balance your life with friends, and family, and know how to be happy and secure with who you are.

If you don't know who you are, now is a great time to find out.

[Fixer12]

I understand. I had spent so long trying to figure out who I am and trying to be happy with myself. I seriously thought that I had that all figured out.
She will reply to me at times, just saying that she is busy. I just don't want to get blown off anymore.
I get so caught up with worrying about getting cheated on. I was able at one point to balance out my life with hers... but I just don't like how sometimes... we will get absolutely no time to talk. That gets hard.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, I would say both ofyou need to leave cell phones at home and study at school. Texting during class, for heavens sake, you deserve to have the cell phone taken away.

You work out internet phone to talk in the evening, or do chat on computer, it sounds like you are being way to controlling.

[Fixer12]

Think so? In some ways I do. She is just trying to be a good student in school, and I support that. I just want everything ot be OK, and not get jealous at simple things. Show her I still care about her and appreciate her... but not wanting ever second to talk to her..
How can I do that?

[talaniman]

That's the nature of LDR's, there never is enough time for each other. That will make it hard.

I just don't want to get blown off anymore.

That was my point, she isn't blowing you off, but is busy with her own life, and so should you be. Your to needy, and need a life of your own to feel good about yourself. As it is, your negative reactions, will end this soon enough.

LDR's are hard on the most mature and committed couples.

If your just b/f and g/f, and strangers to boot, your fighting an uphill battle.

[Fixer12]

All right, well how should I act to counter this effect? How can I act to make things be OK? Not being so needy and what not?

[Romefalls19]

Make your own group of friends, find things to occupy your time. Join a gym, it not only kills time but makes you feel better about yourself. You feel the need to talk all the time because you have down time, find something that fills that void and then you are going to see your relationship take on a whole new shape, as well as your life.

[belmondo]

Can I first ask why you broke up in the first place as you refer to her as your ex.? :confused:

It sounds like you lack confidence in yourself, you sound like I did when I was about 17. You state that you "claim" she likes you, straight away your placing doubt in your mind of this.

Long distance relationships can work if both partes are committed. I feel from personla experience when you are young like yourself, it is probably best that you do not waste your time and energy on travelling that distance if you are not 100 percent sure of things, maybe you need to do some finding out about yourself.

Why did your converstion include tears, what was this over exactly? :confused:

Another thing I have learnt in love is that although somebody is not constantly showwing affection does not mean that they do not care or love you, it's the fact that they are some comfortable in their own skin that they BELIEVE you love them and feel that they do not need to constantly show it. Also if love is SHOWN by hugs, kisses etc all the time then it takes away the true importance of those emotions.

If you were to text less, I know this is hard because you probably at a point in your life of needing constant reassurance and love, she would text you.

It sounds like she is trying to live her life and better herself by still going to school and fund herself by working, you sound like you have a very special girl, but I honestly feel that through no fault of your own, you may drive her away. We are all creatures of our own childhood and emotions and sitautions created. Maybe it is time for you to do some soul searching. Maybe try some CBT training you can do this oneline. It is a programme that helps you understand that your thoughts play a masive part in the way we act and therefore how our lives/realtionships end: up.MoodGYM: Welcome

You sound like you have a low self esteem, which I understand is not easy to get over. It is not healthy or cheap to text all the time and like I said takes away the specialness of your thoughts.

You sound as though you need some other interest in your life also, maybe a hobbie or a club, do something you have never done before, but something for YOU not your lady.

I do not think she probably blew you off in the past maybe she wanted to be able to have the time for herself, like you need to. It will not be easy to change your though process about things, but it is a start.

When I was young I would have a screaming fit if my partner wanted to go out, and in the end they resent you and will lie and the reationship will breakdown, it is not healthy. The problem lies in your hands and you need to get mentally chilled.

You need to make the decision to either continue in the relationship but tell her honestly about your issues and that you know that feeling and thinking like that is not normal, and you want to get help. If she is worth it she will stick around.

Or

FOCUS ON YOU, go out there travel, live learn and get hurt, you have to get hurt before you learn.

But please do try out the mind gym website and email me anytime for support, your get there kid, life is hard.

I would also advise having a little faith of somekind, this was the best thing that ever happened to me.:D

[Fixer12]

Thanks a lot. There is a lot of advice in there, I know I am going to have to go back and read it several times just to let it all sink in.
We had been dating a lot before.. we had gone off and on... for I don't know... well about over a year... then over the summer I was over in Hawaii... so I was really far away. We both knew that we liked each other, we just knew that never being able to see each other would be hard.
I just don't know how to judge the difference between getting blown off... and when she is busy. I wish there was a way to distinct these from each other...

[belmondo]

Self confidence requires a positive self-image. Self-image is a kind of mental picture we all have about ourselves. One way to think about self-image is in terms of what is 'real' and what is 'ideal'. Many people have goals to move their 'real' self as close to their 'ideal' self as they can. For example, the 'real' you stumbles over your words when you meet the boss, whereas the 'ideal' you is cool, confident and articulate.

Problems can occur when people strive too hard to fit with their ideal view of self-image and this can mean they underplay their actual characteristics. The nice guy then finds it hard to reprimand people when they under-perform and the strict guy maybe fails to listen to others and reward opinions different to their own. It can also lead to stress as the person is consciously and with some effort playing out a role.

A person's self-image may be far from accurate. For example, your father may have set very high standards for you to become a professional sportsman. For whatever reason you didn't achieve the standard and this leads you to believe you are bad at sports, despite the fact you are actually pretty good. One poor experience can even spread to other areas of your life so you start to believe you are poor at most things.

Ways to Boost Self-Confidence


Self-image is the mental picture you have of yourself. It is not fixed, it is not objective, it can be changed and you can change it.
Positive thinking is important but the way you behave is important too. Your self-image will feed off the way you behave and will affect others too. Actors know that if they have to play a sad role they quickly start to feel sad themselves. Similarly, if you speak in a measured slow tone your authority increases to those around you and you actually start to feel it in yourself.

Changing behavior is often easier than changing thinking. The brain does not deal well in turning around negative thinking. For example, the moment you think, 'I must not be nervous' is the moment you will actually start feeling more nervous. Focusing on behavior when you are nervous, such as breathing deeply and slowly and relaxing neck and shoulder muscles, will do a great deal more than ruminating on your anxiety.

Breaking up big goals or tasks into smaller and more manageable chunks can help. If you have been set a task that seems impossible, take it apart and even drill it down to hourly steps. As you achieve each step your confidence will grow and you will also achieve a sense of mastery over the issue.

For some people lack of confidence arises through having too little to do. Boredom and lack of confidence are associated. In such cases it is important to boost energy levels by setting some goals for yourself but allowing them to be flexible enough to react to circumstances. If goals are too rigid the first set-back will knock you off track, so build this into your planning.

[belmondo]

1. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and a shave can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image. There have been days when I turned my mood around completely with this one little thing.

2. Dress nicely. A corollary of the first item above … if you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. Now, dressing nicely means something different for everyone … it doesn’t necessarily mean wearing a $500 outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are nice looking and presentable.

3. Photoshop your self-image. Our self-image means so much to us, more than we often realize. We have a mental picture of ourselves, and it determines how confident we are in ourselves. But this picture isn’t fixed and immutable. You can change it. Use your mental Photoshopping skills, and work on your self-image. If it’s not a very good one, change it. Figure out why you see yourself that way, and find a way to fix it.

4. Think positive. One of the things I learned when I started running, about two years ago, what how to replace negative thoughts (see next item) with positive ones. How I can actually change my thoughts, and by doing so make great things happened. With this tiny little skill, I was able to train for and run a marathon within a year. It sounds so trite, so Norman Vincent Peale, but my goodness this works. Seriously. Try it if you haven’t.

5. Kill negative thoughts. Goes hand-in-hand with the above item, but it’s so important that I made it a separate item. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you’re doing. When I was running, sometimes my mind would start to say, “This is too hard. I want to stop and go watch TV.” Well, I soon learned to recognize this negative self-talk, and soon I learned a trick that changed everything in my life: I would imagine that a negative thought was a bug, and I would vigilantly be on the lookout for these bugs. When I caught one, I would stomp on it (mentally of course) and squash it. Kill it dead. Then replace it with a positive one. (”C’mon, I can do this! Only one mile left!”)


6. Get to know yourself. When going into battle, the wisest general learns to know his enemy very, very well. You can’t defeat the enemy without knowing him. And when you’re trying to overcome a negative self-image and replace it with self-confidence, your enemy is yourself. Get to know yourself well. Start listening to your thoughts. Start writing a journal about yourself, and about the thoughts you have about yourself, and analyzing why you have such negative thoughts. And then think about the good things about yourself, the things you can do well, the things you like. Start thinking about your limitations, and whether they’re real limitations or just ones you’ve allowed to be placed there, artificially. Dig deep within yourself, and you’ll come out (eventually) with even greater self-confidence.

7. Act positive. More than just thinking positive, you have to put it into action. Action, actually, is the key to developing self-confidence. It’s one thing to learn to think positive, but when you start acting on it, you change yourself, one action at a time. You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can’t, be positive. Talk to people in a positive way, put energy into your actions. You’ll soon start to notice a difference.

8. Be kind and generous. Oh, so corny. If this is too corny for you, move on. But for the rest of you, know that being kind to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image. You act in accordance with the Golden Rule, and you start to feel good about yourself, and to think that you are a good person. It does wonders for your self-confidence, believe me.

9. Get prepared. It’s hard to be confident in yourself if you don’t think you’ll do well at something. Beat that feeling by preparing yourself as much as possible. Think about taking an exam: if you haven’t studied, you won’t have much confidence in your abilities to do well on the exam. But if you studied your butt off, you’re prepared, and you’ll be much more confident. Now think of life as your exam, and prepare yourself.

10. Know your principles and live them. What are the principles upon which your life is built? If you don’t know, you will have trouble, because your life will feel directionless. For myself, I try to live the Golden Rule (and fail often). This is my key principle, and I try to live my life in accordance with it. I have others, but they are mostly in some way related to this rule (the major exception being to “Live my Passion”). Think about your principles … you might have them but perhaps you haven’t given them much thought. Now think about whether you actually live these principles, or if you just believe in them but don’t act on them.

11. Speak slowly. Such a simple thing, but it can have a big difference in how others perceive you. A person in authority, with authority, speaks slowly. It shows confidence. A person who feels that he isn’t worth listening to will speak quickly, because he doesn’t want to keep others waiting on something not worthy of listening to. Even if you don’t feel the confidence of someone who speaks slowly, try doing it a few times. It will make you feel more confident. Of course, don’t take it to an extreme, but just don’t sound rushed either.

12. Stand tall. I have horrible posture, so it will sound hypocritical for me to give this advice, but I know it works because I try it often. When I remind myself to stand tall and straight, I feel better about myself. I imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly. As an aside, people who stand tall and confident are more attractive. That’s a good thing any day, in my book.

13. Increase competence. How do you feel more competent? By becoming more competent. And how do you do that? By studying and practicing. Just do small bits at a time. If you want to be a more competent writer, for example, don’t try to tackle the entire profession of writing all at once. Just begin to write more. Journal, blog, write short stories, do some freelance writing. The more you write, the better you’ll be. Set aside 30 minutes a day to write (for example), and the practice will increase your competence.

14. Set a small goal and achieve it. People often make the mistake of shooting for the moon, and then when they fail, they get discouraged. Instead, shoot for something much more achievable. Set a goal you know you can achieve, and then achieve it. You’ll feel good about that. Now set another small goal and achieve that. The more you achieve small goals, the better you’ll be at it, and the better you’ll feel. Soon you’ll be setting bigger (but still achievable) goals and achieving those too.

15. Change a small habit. Not a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you’ve accomplished it, you’ll feel like a million bucks.

16. Focus on solutions. If you are a complainer, or focus on problems, change your focus now. Focusing on solutions instead of problems is one of the best things you can do for your confidence and your career. “I’m fat and lazy!” So how can you solve that? “But I can’t motivate myself!” So how can you solve that? “But I have no energy!” So what’s the solution?

17. Smile. Another trite one. But it works. I feel instantly better when I smile, and it helps me to be kinder to others as well. A little tiny thing that can have a chain reaction. Not a bad investment of your time and energy.

18. Volunteer. Related to the “be kind and generous” item above, but more specific. It’s the holiday season right now … can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It’ll be some of the best time you’ve ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you’ll feel better about yourself, instantly.

19. Be grateful. I’m a firm believer in gratitude, as anyone who’s been reading this blog for very long knows well. But I put it here because while being grateful for what you have in life, for what others have given you, is a very humbling activity … it can also be a very positive and rewarding activity that will improve your self-image. Read more.

20. Exercise. Gosh, I seem to put this one on almost every list. But if I left it off this list I would be doing you a disservice. Exercise has been one of my most empowering activities in the last couple years, and it has made me feel so much better about myself.
All you have to do is take a walk a few times a week, and you’ll see benefits. Start the habit.

21. Empower yourself with knowledge. Empowering yourself, in general, is one of the best strategies for building self-confidence. You can do that in many ways, but one of the surest ways to empower yourself is through knowledge. This is along the same vein as building competence and getting prepared … by becoming more knowledgeable, you’ll be more confident … and you become more knowledgeable by doing research and studying. The Internet is a great tool, of course, but so are the people around you, people who have done what you want, books, magazines, and educational institutions.

22. Do something you’ve been procrastinating on. What’s on your to-do list that’s been sitting there? Do it first thing in the morning, and get it out of the way. You’ll feel great about yourself.

23. Get active. Doing something is almost always better than not doing anything. Of course, doing something could lead to mistakes … but mistakes are a part of life. It’s how we learn. Without mistakes, we’d never get better. So don’t worry about those. Just do something. Get off your butt and get active — physically, or active by taking steps to accomplish something.

24. Work on small things. Trying to take on a huge project or task can be overwhelming and daunting and intimidating for anyone, even the best of us. Instead, learn to break off small chunks and work in bursts. Small little achievements make you feel good, and they add up to big achievements. Learn to work like this all the time, and soon you’ll be a self-confident maniac.

25. Clear your desk. This might seem like a small, simple thing (then again, for some of you it might not be so small). But it has always worked wonders for me. If my desk starts to get messy, and the world around me is in chaos, clearing off my desk is my way of getting a little piece of my life under control. It is the calm in the center of the storm around me. Here’s how.