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Craig80 · Jan 23, 2008, 01:49 PM

You need to give her up, it really does not matter if she texts you or calls you because she has still made up her mind and you will only prolong the process of hurt and all the missing her if you keep the contact :/

freakinconfused · Jan 23, 2008, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by Craig80

You need to give her up, it really does not matter if she texts you or calls you because she has still made up her mind and you will only prolong the process of hurt and all the missing her if you keep the contact :/

Yeah, I know. But I really did believe that we were soul mates, and her mom thought so too. She's even the one that told me her mom said that. I even asked her a couple of times over the past few months if she thought her mom was right. She said yes, and that she wanted to be apart from me now because our relationship was "too comfortable" and was moving toward us being together forever, when she was almost 24 and too young for that. She wanted to have this "freak out" time now because she'd rather do it now than after we moved off together and got engaged, or even married. And to be honest, I understand that, but it still sucks and still hurts, and I know the reality of it is that we are probably not going to wind up together, and will likely going to just not talk to each other and possibly never will again. I'm just b!tc#ing because she dumped me and she seems fine, whereas I got dumped and my whole life - friends, job, location - everything got flipped for me. I don't expect anyone to take pity on me or anything. I just find it cathartic to come on here and complain to complete strangers who can CHOOSE to listen to me and give feedback rather than bore my family and friends to tears.

randomfool · Jan 23, 2008, 03:24 PM

Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Yeah, I know. But I really did believe that we were soul mates, and her mom thought so too. She's even the one that told me her mom said that. I even asked her a couple of times over the past few months if she thought her mom was right. She said yes, and that she wanted to be apart from me now because our relationship was "too comfortable" and was moving toward us being together forever, when she was almost 24 and too young for that. She wanted to have this "freak out" time now because she'd rather do it now than after we moved off together and got engaged, or even married. And to be honest, I understand that, but it still sucks and still hurts, and I know the reality of it is that we are probably not going to wind up together, and will likely going to just not talk to each other and possibly never will again. I'm just b!tc#ing because she dumped me and she seems fine, whereas I got dumped and my whole life - friends, job, location - everything got flipped for me. I don't expect anyone to take pity on me or anything. I just find it cathartic to come on here and complain to complete strangers who can CHOOSE to listen to me and give feedback rather than bore my family and friends to tears.

You know I am going through a very similar situation as you... only me and her are still in college. Like real close situation and everything. I feel you on this... I guess one thing I realized that I do feel too young to be tied down that there are so many years of life to live up before having to actually settle down. She of course is fine, I've been a mess for many months. Only now am I getting my life slowly back on its feet. I do hope I run into her again in the way future.. when it actually matters I guess. Because everyone even she thought we were perfect for each other and everything.. like I can tell she realized how young she was still and still in college... so I duno how she is really feeling.. but yeah I am a confused guy too. Every day from the second I wake up the second I go to bed I am like what the he---lllll happened.

Its tough but what I am doing now is like doing my best to live life up and do things I haven't done before. I find the more I am with my friends doing things the more my mind is off her. ITS REALLY TOUGH, it was like a life changing thing for me. But I guess id like to think if its met to be we will run into each other again when it matters...

I noticed you did the samething as me by taking the blame at times for the few fights you guys had. Samething happened with me. I did it to keep her happy or whatever. I duno this sucks. My relationship was 3 years, so I can only imagine what your going through... talk to me more if you wantt its easier when I guess someone else is going through similar crap

Craig80 · Jan 24, 2008, 11:25 AM

Originally Posted by freakinconfused

Yeah, I know. But I really did believe that we were soul mates, and her mom thought so too. She's even the one that told me her mom said that. I even asked her a couple of times over the past few months if she thought her mom was right. She said yes, and that she wanted to be apart from me now because our relationship was "too comfortable" and was moving toward us being together forever, when she was almost 24 and too young for that. She wanted to have this "freak out" time now because she'd rather do it now than after we moved off together and got engaged, or even married. And to be honest, I understand that, but it still sucks and still hurts, and I know the reality of it is that we are probably not going to wind up together, and will likely going to just not talk to each other and possibly never will again. I'm just b!tc#ing because she dumped me and she seems fine, whereas I got dumped and my whole life - friends, job, location - everything got flipped for me. I don't expect anyone to take pity on me or anything. I just find it cathartic to come on here and complain to complete strangers who can CHOOSE to listen to me and give feedback rather than bore my family and friends to tears.

Ok, OK, I hear you, I'm sure you're in love with her crazy but the thing is, first off, her mom thinking you two were soul mates won't change anything, maybe she didn't feel that way really but was too scared to admit it?

And secondly, she wants some "freak out" time? It could mean she wants to party, make mistakes and perhaps even sleep with others, now I'm sure that thought repulse you but it might just be the cold and bitter truth :/

Anyway, I could be wrong from all the things going around in my head.. my girl broke up with me 2 weeks ago~ and I'm still trying to cope with it.

freakinconfused · Jan 24, 2008, 01:46 PM

Originally Posted by Craig80

And secondly, she wants some "freak out" time? it could mean she wants to party, make mistakes and perhaps even sleep with others, now I'm sure that thought repulse you but it might just be the cold and bitter truth :/

No, that's exactly what she wants to do I think, and is doing. Which is fine in a way - I mean, I want her to be happy. If she wasn't happy in a relationship with me, then better that she's not.

I'm just b!tc#ing about the way she went about it - making me think we were on a "break" instead of breaking up, then stringing me along and acting like she wanted me back for a bit. I took the advice of people on here and acted aloof and as if I had something else to do, and didn't answer every call or text, and responded back at later times. This worked for a while, but then, as soon as I stopped acting aloof (which was fake of course, I always wanted her back but didn't want to come across as whiny and wimpy) and told her that I loved her and want to be with her, she told me she "needed more time." And then she freaks and moves on to another guy and completely stops talking to me. No Happy New Years - nothing. It's like, all she did was just lie to me. It just hurts because I loved this girl for 4 years and then some, and we REALLY did have a great relationship and were together all the time, so I feel like she owes it to me to be honest with me. Of course, I feel like she might have been lying to me so as to not hurt me and let me down easily, but all it did was make things way worse, because then I had to go find out about it on my own. In any case, she lied and wasn't straight up with me. This isn't a prefect world, so I come vent.

What's crazy about the whole thing is she isn't aware that I know she's slept with someone else. That basically means she had to have thought "well, I've got a choice. This new guy, or get back with my old bf. I pick new guy, but I'm not going to ever tell my old bf and hope he just stops calling." That's f'ed up in itself, and luckily I found out about it and made no effort to contact her since then, except for a slip up last week. She didn't either, except for one call after about 10 days of NC. If she would have just been honest with me from the beginning and told me we needed to break up, and told me she was interested in someone else, or at least that she just wanted to be single, then I would have probably been more over it by now. I even asked her over and over if there was someone else or if she wanted to just play the field. She said "no" every time. She kept me clinging onto false hope for like 4 months because I really believed we were supposed to be together.

I know it would have been hard to do, but if she got the courage up to break up with me then she should have had the courage to tell me she was interested in someone else. But instead, she kept saying she "needed more time." I believed her when she said she wanted to work on "us" after 2 months of being apart, when I guess she really just wanted me as a fall back plan. Or at least, that's how it seems from my end, and I can't ever find out what she was thinking the whole time because she doesn't seem to want to talk to me about relationship stuff, and I don't want to keep breaking NC. We don't really have any mutual friends either, and I can't talk to her friends because they'll just run and tell her everything I said. Also, if I do ever talk to her again, I don't want to keep associating our convos with sad relationship talk, right? That'll make her never want to talk to me again.

I've considered writing a heartfelt email where I don't accuse her of anything really, but just say how this whole thing has made me feel and why I acted the way I did at certain times, and let her know that I love her and will always be there for her (which is true, no matter how much she wronged me). However, I'm no fool, and I know that all this will do is make me look weak, and make me look like I can't live my life without her. And IF she was ever having second thoughts about what she did, I'm sure this email will destroy those because she'll think "oh well I can go do whatever, and he will always be waiting for me" Truth of the matter is, right now I'm having a hard time living without her, but I know I'll get by and be OK eventually. It would help if I could find another woman to fill the void, but haven't had any luck at all so far.

Romefalls19 · Jan 24, 2008, 02:04 PM

I know how you feel confused... I am so lost without my ex, what makes today worse is that it is 2 1/2 years today. Had we been together, this day would have slip both our minds, but instead since we r apart, it's been on my mind all day. I wish she was honest with me too about this whole situation because if it was just jealousy that was an issue and she was "so in love" with me then when I took the steps to rectify the situation(therapy, online courses, and 6 books) would have been a sign to her that I mean it this time about changing. But no instead she doesn't even look my way anymore and it kills me to know that everything has turned into this situation.

Having another girl also doesn't solve the situation, believe me. I have tried it.. Several times with hookin up with random girls and flirting. All it did for me was just make me miss the connection I had with my ex, because I could just lay in bed with her and watch her sleep for hours. Sounds like a stalker but it was just nice to see her so peaceful... I have sworn off this whole love stuff ha ha

Craig80 · Jan 24, 2008, 02:18 PM

Damn.. What's up with that girl? That's so ****ing mean, I can't believe you put up with it! I know you have feelings for her and that they die hard but I mean damn.. you shouldn't have to take that behavior from anyone! There really is plenty more fish in the sea.. even though I sit here all alone and trying so hard not to reminisce about the good times with my ex I still want to call her, but I try not to, cause I know in the long run it will only make things worse!

freakinconfused · Jan 24, 2008, 03:12 PM

Originally Posted by Craig80

Damn..! What's up with that girl? That's so ****ing mean, I can't believe you put up with it! I know you have feelings for her and that they die hard but I mean damn.. you shouldn't have to take that behavior from anyone! There really is plenty more fish in the sea.. even though I sit here all alone and trying so hard not to reminisce about the good times with my ex I still want to call her, but I try not to, cause I know in the long run it will only make things worse!

That's what I"m sayin yo. You would think after 4 years with someone you wouldn't be so selfish and inconsiderate, especially when that other person loves you. Again, I'm not so upset that she dumped me - I mean yeah that sucks, but I at least understand how it feels to just not want to be in a relationship anymore. I've been the dumper before and it's like "yeah, I really like this person, but I just don't want them anymore." And, as the dumper, by the time you've made that decision you are already so much further along than the dumpee in the whole breakup. And you know what, that's fine. I'm just upset at the way the whole thing went down. It makes me feel like I did something wrong or something, seriously. And I know I contributed to the downfall of the relationship, but she did as well. But, I didn't want it to end. I wanted to work on it. I knew we were in a rut at the time, but to me that's something you can fix if you just work on the problem, especially if you love each other enough. She felt differently I guess. Only reason I took her F'ed up behavior during the whole thing is because I loved her and wanted it to work.

I know I can't change the way it went down, but I mean damn. If she had just said to me "We need to break up - I think I have feelings for someone else" yes, I would have been upset. Yes, it would have hurt. But I would probably be close to over it by now.

I know there's more fish in the sea, but I guess I'm just not seeing them right now. Every one I come across that I kind of like anyway always seems to have a boyfriend already. Plus, my game is so rusty because I haven't had to worry about it for 4 years. We need a thread on here to teach all the rusty singles out there how to flirt properly and with confidence!

Only thing I can hope for now is that someone will burn her the way she burned me. She's only been in two serious relationships as far as I know. First time she dated a guy throughout most of high school, stuck with him longer than she wanted, and then dumped him when she got tired. Then she was single for a year during freshman year of college, and then dated me for the rest of her college years plus one more. And then, surprise, she dumped me when she got tired of me. Sooner or later she's going to fall for someone who's going to do the same to her, and then she'll finally have to feel the pain that I just went through.

You know what I love? When the person who does the dumping thinks it's the right thing to do and then goes ahead with their life, gets into a new relationship, etc. only to realize a short while later, when they are alone and life isn't so good for them right then, that they should have never dumped their ex. Happened to me when I dumped my high school girl. It'll happen to my ex too probably. But there's a possibility that her rebound will be her next serious boyfriend... it does happen...

friend4u178 · Jan 24, 2008, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by freakinconfused

We need a thread on here to teach all the rusty singles out there how to flirt properly and with confidence!

Not a bad idea... why don't you start one.

freakinconfused · Jan 24, 2008, 03:33 PM

Originally Posted by friend4u178

Not a bad idea.........why don't you start one.

Haha, I might. However, I am one of those rusty singles, so I'm lacking in the advice department as of right now.

incognito · Jan 24, 2008, 04:04 PM

Hey FREAKINCONFUSED and every one else who's suffered heartbreak.
I don't really have any advice that hasn't been given already, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I know that it may seem like you are in the darkest moments of your life, but try to fight it. I know it's hard because I too am going through a relationship meltdown. It hurts to have someone you love slip away day by day. But you have to stay strong and DO YOU, be selfish. The best person to look out for yourself is you.
Keep your head up.

freakinconfused · Feb 16, 2008, 12:31 PM

Things I've learned (for all the guys who are in the middle of the whole "break" crap and stumbled upon my post)-

1.) The "Break." - If your girlfriend ever tells you she wants to take a "break," that means you are broken up. No question. BROKEN UP. Relationship over. Done. Fin. Guys, there is no such thing as a "break." If she still really wanted to be with you, she wouldn't ever ask you for a "break." Don't believe me? Ok, play into her "were just on a break" trap and see where it gets you. All that's going to happen is she's going to keep you on the back burner until she doesn't feel bad for dumping you, or until she finds a new penis to play with.

A break is just a more gentle way for her to say "I don't want to be with you anymore." Problem with her saying she wants a break though is that it leaves the guy thinking there's a possibility of reconciliation. I can tell you, from first hand experience, that ain't going to happen, even if you think it's going to. And even if "break" did mean that you two were going to take a set time apart and then get back together, the relationship wouldn't ever be the same, because the trust that was there would be broken.

2.) The Old "Why?" Question - Why does she want a break, you ask? Well, there's several reasons. Usually it's because she's lost romantic interest in you, and wants to be free to pursue someone else. Or maybe it's because she's already been pursuing another guy and it seems to be panning out for her. Maybe the grass actually is greener for her on the other side. Or maybe she'd rather just be single so she can #uck as many guys as she wants without worrying about your wussy @$$. Or maybe she realized she's a lesbian. Or maybe she's decided to travel the world and sees you as extra baggage. Whatever, doesn't really matter. Point is, she most definitely does not want to be with YOU, but she does not have the ovaries to tell you straight up that she does not want to be with you any longer. Instead, she'd rather sidestep the situation and throw out the old "I need some time alone," or "I need some space to think about things," or "We should go on a break" line. This serves two purposes for her - 1.) She can keep stringing you along until she has found another guy, a.k.a. hedging her bets, and 2.) She doesn't have to feel like a bad person because she didn't outright dump you and completely stop talking to you. (Even though I would have preferred the latter at this point.)

3.) What You Should Do, Even Though it Feels Like What You Shouldn't Do - If your girlfriend tells you she wants a "break," do everything you can to go No Contact right away. I know this seems like an impossibility and will hurt tremendously, but it's nothing compared to the pain you will experience if you keep in contact. If you keep in contact, you'll likely be strung along and used both emotionally and physically until your ex is over you. You, on the other hand, will take her attempts at contact as her still being interested in you, and maybe wanting to get back together. WRONG. I mean, I can't say this applies to every case, but seems like this is usually what happens. The guy thinks they might get back together because she's still calling/texting. But, it's all a stupid game she's playing to bait you until she's sure she's done with you. DON'T PLAY THIS GAME. If you do, it will take you much longer for you to get over her than it did for her to get over you. See, her baiting you and stringing you along is a way for her to LET YOU GO and not feel bad about it, whereas it has the opposite effect for you - makes you feel like she's not 100% on her decision and might want to get back with you.

4.) No Contact Works - I didn't believe it at first, but No Contact works. Every day that goes by without talking to her will make you feel whole again, and turn you back into the single guy that she first fell in love with. THIS is the guy that was attracting the chicks in the first place, and the guy that attracted your ex girlfriend. However, immediately after the breakup, this is NOT the guy you are. No, the guy you are is a needy, clingy S.O.B. that has no balls because his ex ate them for lunch over the course of the relationship. No Contact will get you back to where you were before.

5.)Get Mad - Yes, that's right. Get MAD! Your ex isn't some flawless goddess. She probably did plenty of things that got on your nerves or pissed you off, so remember those things, and use them to get angry. Now when I say get mad, I don't mean call up your ex and b!tc# her out. In fact, don't call her at all. Instead, use that anger to keep you motivated and focused on No Contact. And remember, this anger comes from the fact that she wanted a break, so use it to remind yourself that she's a coward and that you deserve better. Plus, it's a hella lot more productive than being sad all the time.

6.) Unless Your Ex Did Something Totally Heinous... - Fear not, my friend. Unless you ex did something totally heinous, you will probably end up being friends with her. Yes, even if she dumped you. This will indeed take a long, long time, and the only way to get to this stage is to keep to No Contact, and let time pass. One day you will wake up and really just not care that she's no longer next to you in bed. And you'll realize you don't even miss her anymore. By then, your ex will have banged a few other guys and found a new boyfriend, so as long as you're 100% sure your over her (and maybe you've got a new girl as well), shoot her an email or give her a call, and see if she'd like to be friends (if she hasn't done this already). Unless she's a stone cold beeotch, she'll probably be down with it.

Love writing this stuff. Love it.

talaniman · Feb 16, 2008, 12:45 PM

For sure your in the right place to write such a great post.

katrina27 · Feb 16, 2008, 01:34 PM

I might get a lot of people disagreeing wit me here. My advice. Ignore her. Point blank don't reply to texts. Turn the tables. Your girl has you by balls. Now I think she loves you but is confused. You have to play hard ball. Get your stuff. Move it out. Stop texting her. Tell her you think she was right to break up.
Then go out with the lads. Enjoy life. She will be begging you back within 2 weeks. Make her wait a bit . Then if you still love her take her back

JackBurton · Feb 24, 2008, 12:12 PM

I have read your entire post and find it quite frightening at how similar it is to my situation. Maybe not as many head games, but definitely the emotions. I have taken in a lot of what has been said and suggested.

It's kind of interesting for me anyway. It seems like my relationship has ended the same way that it began. She was once the girl that didn't know what she wanted, so I was there to pick her up and break her out of her shell. 2 1/2 years later, she is at that same point except I can't help her now, only she can.

Should I still be here for her when she has nowhere else to go? Or let her new "friend" manipulate her into thinking something else, just so he can get a piece of a$$.

Its hard to sit back and watch someone that you cared (and still care) so much about, make stupid decisions based on what "society" says a "typical" 21 year old should do. I believe that people use age way too frequently as a scapegoat for their mistakes.

jolienoire · Feb 24, 2008, 12:23 PM

Originally Posted by JackBurton

I have read your entire post and find it quite frightening at how similar it is to my situation. Maybe not as many head games, but definitely the emotions. I have taken in a lot of what has been said and suggested.

It's kind of interesting for me anyway. It seems like my relationship has ended the same way that it began. She was once the girl that didn't know what she wanted, so I was there to pick her up and break her out of her shell. 2 1/2 years later, she is at that same point except I can't help her now, only she can.

Should I still be here for her when she has nowhere else to go? Or let her new "friend" manipulate her into thinking something else, just so he can get a piece of a$$.

Its hard to sit back and watch someone that you cared (and still care) so much about, make stupid decisions based on what "society" says a "typical" 21 year old should do. I believe that people use age way too frequently as a scapegoat for their mistakes.

You were there before she didn't appreciate it obviously.. so she needs to work on her own self.. You can't keep saving her from her own mess.. She has to save herself, You can't stop things from happening to her, she has to learn on her own.. besides did she ask for your help?

talaniman · Feb 24, 2008, 02:13 PM

Should I still be here for her when she has nowhere else to go? Or let her new "friend" manipulate her into thinking something else, just so he can get a piece of a$$.

We can learn the easy way, or we can learn the hard way. Let her learn her own way, see if she can bounce, on the hard pavement of life.

JackBurton · Feb 24, 2008, 04:14 PM

Originally Posted by jolienoire

besides did she ask for your help?

No she did not. I guess you could say I was the right person there at the right time. She started to naturally come to me for advice and help. Now she just gets upset when I don't give her the advice that she "wants" to hear. I'm at a loss. Afraid that she found a new "glue" to help hold her together, only not a very strong bonding one.

jolienoire · Feb 24, 2008, 08:26 PM

Originally Posted by JackBurton

. Now she just gets upset when I don't give her the advice that she "wants" to hear. I'm at a loss. Afraid that she found a new "glue" to help hold her together, only not a very strong bonding one.

I bet you told her you loved her too and you were the one for her, but she didn't hear that... obviously unless you would be together... So why are you at loss, she made her bed now she must lay in it, it sounds harsh but you can't be responsible for her happiness to tell her what's right and wrong.. you can't save her from her choices, she has to prevent them. She get's upset because you can't give her advice to problems she could have prevented? Not good enough for me and definitely you should not pitty her. We have choices to make, and we choose what we allow... don't feel bad for her choices.. You can't control them or change her.. so with that being said, perhaps she needs a new adhesive, but only she can change that... there is nothing you can do..

freakinconfused · May 30, 2008, 03:49 PM

Heh, it's funny to go back and read this crap now. What the hell was I thinking?