[chattede]

Hi all,

I thought that this is the last way left "Counseling"...

I am gal who likes serious relationship... I like someone loves me like anything... but what we want never happened... neways here is the history and I really don't know how to return to my old normal life...


I got married 5 years ago... my husband loves me, cares about me... but he is not what I expect means I wanted a man who would be romantic, expressive... but he is not that... he loves me but never says... never gifted anything from his own but I have full rights to buy anything which want whatever its cost is... he don't talk too much.. don't like dance, don't like parties... though I know very well that he loves me...

After 1 and half years of marriage in 2005 , I met a guy in my project and we started talking too much (which I really want that somebody always talk with me.. don't want to be alone)... and then I started loving him so much that I become aloof from my family... but as my husband used to believe me like anything he never asked a question if m late at home... I used to say some false thing and used to meet with that guy... we had every thing and I involed like anything... suddenly that guy decided to got married as his family was insisting him and he came 1 day and told that "Everything finished between us, don't contact me"... he did not even cared what is going to happened to me... he stopped all communication all of a sudden in a half day... he not even talked with me or discussed with me... this incident scattered me down like anything and I'm really emotional one... I hated him like anything... but prob was as I become away from my husband I could not even retunred to him whole heartedly not even I can discuss this with him because he was very possessive and I don't wanted to loose him... I become wholely alon and kind of robot in the sense I used to laugh artificiallly , I used to do every thing artificially not from heart , no feelings...

Thus 1 year went but I become totally selfish, feelingless woman... somehow I was in wrong path... kind of I though as he used me for his physical enjoyment let me now use other and then I started flirting with guys... believe me I'm not really bad but want to to confess all this today to start my new life...

[chattede]

Then I got some 1 again and I started flirting with him... he also started like that... but ultimately we realised that we both are in love and true love... he used to care me like any thing... he could read me like my mom... by 1 word , he could realise my mental state... I told him clearly that though I started with him as flirting but now I love him and I told him every thing all my history... after that we used to share everything even 1 thing I can say he used to understand me more than anybody else... each and everything we used to share , without talking with him was like hell...

We met and spent 2 days as if husband-wife... it was awsome... he thanked me for giving him the best day of his life... I was too happy to get such person... this again make me more away from my husband... we discussed about marriage... he even asked me if I want to marry him... but due to family reason due to my parents and society I told him that I can't marry him... but yes we can continue this for ever which we used to think GOD GIVEN... he also agreed and then he got married... but again suddenly he came back saying hid wife believe him very much and he don't want to break her heart she is more important than me and he don't want to continue...
I had nothing to say because he is right from his side... and I really loved him and his happiness is also important for me and I let him go, though I don't look this as failure or I hate him, but this again hurted me like any thing...

Now no one is with me... I think I become away from my family , I can't concentrate... and now I want to start my life with my husband again... but some how m not stable... I can't forget what happened, I always wished to love that guy ( whome I really loved )... wished to talk with him, wish he loves me like before... I wish he stay with me like before... without him its really difficult... but I know now nothing can happened... we have decided to break that and may be he has no feelings so I have to kill my feeling too which m not able to do... m in very bad stage...

Though 1 thing I can say is I also love my husband, I can't stay without him too... I don't know how it is possible but I really want that both my husband HE should be with me always, I need them , but you know its impossible,

Now I want to start life with my husband and all whatever happened I'm not responsible for that but time/place/sitution forced me to do so... I lost my will power... what should I do... I know what I did is not right, I should have controlled but please believe me I could not help... I could not stop my heart beat...
But now I want my life back... help me... m not happy... advice me what to do ?

[lavenderly]

U NEED TO HEAL YOURSELF BEFORE U START TO LOVE AGAIN.

When that man dumped u, u already had a major problem. First you loved him so much that you became distant with your family. Then when he said it's over, you hated him. Your love was changed to hate overnight? I do not call that love.

U should have gotten some professional help after you felt so used by him. It is hard to stand up on your feet when your self-esteem is so low. You cannot forgive yourself for cheating on your husband. Yet, you continue to be in this relationship.

Since you had not taken care of yourself emotionally, now you are getting more "sick". You need to take revenge on others because you think it was unfair how a loving and sincere woman like you was taken advantage of by the other man.

U need to look inside yourself before you can handle other things like a fake smile or false laughter. Ask yourself things like these: (read and take some time to answer)

1) I feel used by that man. Now what? Can I kill him for spoiling my life?

2) Did he spoil my life or was I the one who spoilt my own life?

3) Ok. I was wrong when I cheated on my husband. But he made me cheat! He is not the type of guy I wanted. Oh, really? Then why am I married to him?
(u need to work out your marriage issues and understand that marriage is not all about passion and romance. These things will fade away unless you make efforts to inject them into a relationship. But first, heal your soul and heart!)

4) Well, I know I was wrong. Now can I admit that I am wrong?

5) Am I happy being "emotionless"? If not, then why am I punishing myself?

6) Can flirting with other men cure my problem? Really?

Everyone makes mistakes. You have to acknowledge the fact. You might feel guilty for having feelings for another man while still married. If u continue to flirt with others, you will only build more guilt. You need to come clean with yourself. Do not do anything that your heart and conscience think it's wrong. If u have a religion, perhaps confess to God. Do more charity, and be good to others in need. This will perhaps make you feel less hatred for yourself.

Finally, remember that the heart is a tender piece of organ in you. It needs to be nursed and cared for. Being a robot will kill the heart. A new day awaits u. Do not look back!

[lavenderly]

Hey Chattede,

One thing u need to stop saying is "I could not help feeling ..."

Although this might sound harsh, u are a human. Not an animal. U cannot control how your heart feels, but u have a brain that tells u whether to act according to your heart or not. For now, u need to let that Brain come out and start to work.

By the way, u sound like u cannot live without a man. That is unhealthy!!
U should live for yourself and a man only complements u. He is not supposed to rule your life. U can feel sad over a man etc. but u must not say u cannot live without a man. Anyone can live on his/her own.

Do not be selfish and want both men at the same time. What u really should do now is to get rid of any thoughts of men and romance and start to work on yourself. U need to be more independent and confident before u are fit for a relationship.

[chattede]

Thanks, but I don't why I easily believe people... I believed the first guy and then gave everything sincerely... I hated him as he betrayed and used my emotion... the second guy came by change for may be my revenge mentality but he was good man...

But now I came to know that my husband is first and last answere, so I have to return to him... beleive me m not so bad... m emotional and if anybody loves me or even talk with me sweetly I forget everything and try my best to help him... thats what I'm... so is this worng , unhealthy... if yes what can I do now ?

[Craig80]

When you did all this to your husband, it shows that you really don't love him do you?

If I am right you need to be on your own for a while until you figure out why you are acting the way you are.

Cheating on your husband because he isn't all you want him to be is not justified in my book.

[chattede]

When you did all this to your husband, it shows that you really don't love him do you?

If I am right you need to be on your own for a while until you figure out why you are acting the way you are.

Cheating on your husband because he isn't all you want him to be is not justified in my book.

One thing to say you , I have not done anything with any plan... I have not planned to cheat my husband, but first it happened...