[Ash123]

this is too much to be solved in one post i think but i will start with this:

I would really suggest intense therapy that you can afford with a respected pro.

I am not 100% sure the church therapy alone is going to do it... you need an action plan that INCLUDES your husband, so he does not feel abandoned... this is something you will be dealing with your entire life...

**This is KEY: I would add that surrounding yourselves with fair, smart, kind and goal-oriented, achieving people will help get you inching in the right direction. Do not settle for mediocre people in your life if they pull you down... it is part of the sexual issues... you need to feel empowered, and determining who is in your life is part of that... Damaged people have a very hard time recognizing when they are surrounding themselves with other damaged people. It's natural to bond with other broken souls - but it's toxic.

God bless.

[MycheleXoXo]

this is too much to be solved in one post i think but i will start with this:

i would really suggest intense therapy that you can afford with a respected pro.

i am not 100% sure the church therapy alone is going to do it.....you need an action plan that INCLUDES your husband, so he does not feel abandoned...this is something you will be dealing with your entire life....

i would add that surrounding yourselves with fair, smart, kind and goal-oriented, achieving people will help get you inching in the right direction. do not settle for mediocre people in your life if they pull you down...it is part of the sexual issues...you need to feel empowered, and determining who is in your life is part of that....

god bless.

Maybe I've become jaded in my views of secular/conventional therapy over the years. I never saw any hope-never saw any truths-all the traditional psychiatrists, therapists, counsellors and psychologists ever did was make me re-hash it over and over and over and over... the only useful suggestions I received were about writing in a journal... day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year (redundant, isn't it? Yeah-that's how it felt) the same feelings w/never a breakthrough or even a glimmer of hope. I became mired in a stagnant pool... unable (and unwilling) to even lift a hand out of that rank water towards Living Water... perhaps I never found anyone who was good? Maybe I happened upon the worst of the worst? I don't know... but from the first meeting I had with one of my pastors things changed... my thinking changed, my attitude changed... that led to behavioral changes which led to significant life changes... Without this, I'd still be in that bog w/no sight of the hands of the people all around me, just waiting for me to reach out to let them help me up and out of the rancid, toxic place I'd been living in for so long.
Then my cousin (who is a Professor and Director of?? -can't remember his title-he mentors students about to graduate and helps them decide on career/life options-at Kentucky Christian College) introduced me to this new therapy... I found a church in my area that offered it and things haven't been the same since. (Sort of touching on OneGuyInOHio's post here, but I doubt you or he will mind). We don't dwell on any one specific area... the sexual issues have come up and so have many other issues... but it was when I started to really confront the issues, face lies and truths I'd believed or didn't see all of my life that I changed in the area of sex and my ability to make love/have sex with my husband. I don't think it's a negative reflection on the therapy-I actually believe it's a sign that its working (silly, huh... ) In my previous therapy we didn't confront anything-what took years to finally get to I was getting to in hours or a couple of meetings-

As for the people part... GREAT POINT! For the past, I'd say 6 months I have had so many "leeches" wanting to get close to me!! I can't explain it! It started innocently enough... I'm a nice person! Where I get my cigarettes (don't say it! I know I need to quit) I'd be nice... next thing you know their calling me at work (no-I didn't tell them where I work-the gas station is adjacent to the Wal-Mart where my Hearing Center is located-they saw me when they'd come over to get supplies) with one sob story after the other... I feel so bad for people (especially when kids are involved). Let a leech start to suck your blood and before you know it their sucking the life out of you! I know they've been lying to me... telling me a sob story-then 4 months. Later forgetting they told me that one already and telling me again, with a few embellishments... sheeshy! I am so passive and non-confrontational, I don't know how to get rid of them! I have NOT given them any money or bought diapers etc. since the 2nd month... but they keep on trying! Your post made me see that they are dragging me down-I mean, I knew something wasn't right (beyond the obvious) but that's it! I don't need them and I don't need their "crap" added to my own... (now to grow some cajones) ;) Just this realization alone has made me feel "empowered"... I'm determined all right... to get them out! WoW!

No more hiding... I've got to get back around the very positive and powerful, compassionate, generous, moving-forward-not-backward people I've been avoiding since the others came in... bottom line... nothing more to say on that one.

Great stuff! Thank you so much!
XoXo
Mychele

[smoothy]

I agree...completely. That's why I asked my question...I'm trying to get through this and am trying, in some way to communicate w/him...I need healing. I need to be able to feel close to him sexually again. He needs my love, my touch, my heart...I just haven't been able to effectively communicate my needs so we can find the happy medium where we are both having our needs met...w/o pain and tension-anger and resentment-etc...

Please tell your friend that I am very, very proud of her and all that she's accomplished in her life!! I'm impressed and touched deeply...

I hope this made sense :)
XoXo
Mychele

I think its possible he is feeling some resentment now... thats why he is refusing to go with you. But out of respect for you and the kids he has been keeping it bottled up.

I'd start the therapy as soon as you can, talk with your employer or his, many have such programs available. Start going alone... perhaps when you are feeling less of an issue, he will start feeling less resentment then be more open to attending with you. Now that really is a wild guess with what I think his reasons might be. But I think the chance I am right is better than that I am wrong.

Like the woman I know... who lives not that far from me. You have to figuratively take the bull by the horns. Get your focus on getting yourself help... get it regular, and don't expect him to be there at first... I'm sure once he starts to see an improvement he will be more willing to attend with you. Also keep in mind, you are in this for the long haul. It might take many years so be prepared to do what it takes, for as long as it takes.

I'm not saying you will forget what happened, but your reaction to what has happened will change. And some things can feed themselves, good or bad, this is one of them. When you learn to start replacing the bad feelings with good ones, your relationship will improve as will that further help decrease your stress levels. Like many things the sum of the results will be greater than any one thing on its own.

Something important to keep in mind is a positive attitude. That will be the most important single thing you can do. It can mean the difference between success or failure in so many things.

[nero2]

Some things it is difficult to explain

Try to let him know that what you are going through and may be ask him to follow you if you go for the church therapy together. Work things out and be strong because I belief you are a cheerful, healty and always positive person. "Alway stay on the bright side of life"

[MycheleXoXo]

*ORIGINAL POST AT BOTTOM OF PAGE*


I don't know if it's OK to post an update to my original question: If it isn't, I hope someone tells me so I don't make the same error twice...

I've been using the words, advice, opinions and feedback to discuss some of our issues with my husband... not anything in depth mind you... With him gone by 3:30 a.m. and me not getting home until 6:30 p.m. it's rather difficult to have a deep conversation unless it's been pre-planned... but the lines of communication are open and we've been having small discussions ever since I received my first answers.

Last night as I sat on my couch watching SCRUBS with the family while we ate dinner I kept looking over at my husband... I do this a lot, especially when anything even remotely close to something sexual or even just romantic or sweetly intimate occurs on the t.v... I typically sit and think, "Will we ever be that way again?" or I wonder, "Is he hating me right now?"... things like that... last night was different. I kept looking at him and I gradually became aware that I was feeling something I haven't felt in a very long time. At first I couldn't put my finger on it... just a vague sense that I'd felt it before and that it was important... I didn't try to analyze what I was feeling... I just let myself feel it knowing I would eventually figure out what it was... Suddenly, like a bell sounding inside of my soul I knew without a doubt what it was! I wanted him!! I wanted him to touch me... I wanted to actually be with him! I WAS HORNY! (lol-hope that's ok) ;) And it wasn't just being horny- I sincerely desired to just be close to him.

Now, things didn't work out-A "quit smoking" commercial came on and my middle son (12) kept looking over at me to see if I was paying attention to the commercial... it irritated me in the way we all get irritated with anyone when they say or insinuate something we know is true but are unwilling to hear at that particular moment in time... (no, I didn't go off on my son-just smiled at him and told him thanks for being concerned-i did want to rap him in forehead w/my knuckles-but I refrained JOKE!) That's not important though... what is important, just as suddenly as I felt it, it was gone. No desire. None. I talked with my husband this morning (via cell phones... he's at work) and explained exactly what occurred last night... I was able to put words to something I never realized before and I did so in a way that he completely understood... There is A LOT of crap going on in our lives right now. If something so insignificant as my child, who loves me and only wanted to help me... who only gave me a twinge of irritation, could "kill" my desire, how much more the major issues that are occurring in our lives right now? I'm letting everything get in the way-Focusing on all the crap and neglecting to focus on this very real and serious issue in our marriage.

I know this does not mean I'm better... but just to feel that way again? HUGE step in my opinion... I still need therapy and I will still have to deal with all the sexual issues... Life is still occurring all around us and will continue to do so... I have got to make THIS issue just as important or more important as the other situations going on right now.

And I believe just getting it out there... "speaking" the words to everyone who read it... and hearing from all of you that answered, played a major role in what occurred last night.
Thank you all so much!
I still welcome any feedback/answers/opinions etc to the original post! And the same for this one... what do you think?

XoXo
Mychele

How can I explain this to my husband so he understands?

I'm really seeking/needing some good feedback here-I've read many Q and A's on the subject of not desiring sex... I just haven't found anything I can really use...  Sorry!

I'm 37... I was sexually abused by several family members as a child-was "molested" at the age of 20 by a "friend" of ours and raped several times by another "friend" at the age of 21. I used to go through periods where I loved sex! It was a good thing! (although I have never had an orgasm w/o masturbating during) But for the past, I'd say 1-2 years, I hate sex. Just the idea of having sex literally will make me feel ill and shame-filled. I've tried to explain to my husband that it's not him... (I'm currently in a "new" form of therapy through my church and this is when I lost all desire to have sex... secular therapy has NEVER worked for me personally FYI)

My main question is this... how do I communicate it to him? He tries to understand but says he just can't... he also says it's not the "sex"... it's that he feels so distant from me and misses the intimacy... all day, every day he makes little "sexual" comments, trying for comic relief for a very real and tense situation... but that just makes me feel even more guilty and shameful... it's gotten to the point where my 3 boys have joined in the joking!

How can I make him feel loved? How can I explain that him touching me right now is not helping me and that I am trying to get help? How can I make this better? I thought I was over everything that had happened to me... I have very purposefully forgiven everyone that ever hurt me and was great for many years... in this new therapy, we've come up against a block-we can get so far and suddenly I go into a panic and can't continue... the counsellors aren't allowed to tell me what they think (that plants ideas... it has to come from me, if that makes sense) So until I get through whatever it is that I'm obviously blocking there will be no quick fix... I try to make love... no... I try to give him sex whenever I feel capable-he knows I'm not truly "in it" so then he feels guilty which enhances MY guilt... laugh... it's really quite the mess isn't it? A vicious circle I can't get out of...

Any suggestions? Ideas? Feedback? Blatant "get over it!"'s? 
Thank you!
XoXo
Mychele

P.S. (as if this wasn't long enuff!) Yes-I have confidence issues/esteem issues/body issues and a whole sordid list of issues! Things I thought I'd gotten past have reared their ugly heads to spit in my face... just giving you as much info as possible so you're able to give the best answers possible! Thanx again!

[George_1950]

In a way, I just think you are in the middle of the process of raising kids and learning how to balance child-rearing with your relationship with your husband.
You wrote: "...I was able to put words to something I never realized before and I did so in a way that he completely understood..." Perhaps the introspection and examination by your virtual friends is providing you with insight. That is progress. To be frank, we all need therapy and we get it in different ways and times. I guess the test is whether you are facing a problem and just cannot find a way to solve it. I believe writing, preparing a journal, is therapeutic; and writing on Ask Me gives a lot of us nuts an opportunity to vent and examine. And, it gives our friends an opportunity to reflect back to us what they think, whether pro or con. Kind of neat, ain't it?

[MycheleXoXo]

In a way, I just think you are in the middle of the process of raising kids and learning how to balance child-rearing with your relationship with your husband.
You wrote: "...I was able to put words to something I never realized before and I did so in a way that he completely understood..." Perhaps the introspection and examination by your virtual friends is providing you with insight. That is progress. To be frank, we all need therapy and we get it in different ways and times. I guess the test is whether you are facing a problem and just cannot find a way to solve it. I believe writing, preparing a journal, is therapeutic; and writing on Ask Me gives a lot of us nuts an opportunity to vent and examine. And, it gives our friends an opportunity to reflect back to us what they think, whether pro or con. Kind of neat, ain't it?

I do believe you are absolutely right! :) This forum really provided a place for me to get some things out that I needed to... just "voicing" the issues and having the feedback was therapeutic for me!

It IS a great place for "us nuts to go to vent and examine." I love it! The only bad thing about this forum... it's kind of "addictive" and I don't have enough time to be here all that often!

Thank you all so much for everyone's help!
XoXo
Mychele

[EIFS EXPERT]

You are very welcome.

[Wondergirl]

please look into music therapy... it is an up and coming field and can really be helpful!!

Actually, music therapy has been around for ages--in addition to art therapy, dance therapy, drama therapy, bibliotherapy or whatever other therapy the counselor or therapist figures out might work for his/her clients.