I'm really seeking/needing some good feedback here-I've read many Q and A's on the subject of not desiring sex... I just haven't found anything I can really use... :( Sorry!

I'm 37... I was sexually abused by several family members as a child-was "molested" at the age of 20 by a "friend" of ours and raped several times by another "friend" at the age of 21. I used to go through periods where I loved sex! It was a good thing! (although I have never had an orgasm w/o masturbating during) But for the past, I'd say 1-2 years, I hate sex. Just the idea of having sex literally will make me feel ill and shame-filled. I've tried to explain to my husband that it's not him... (I'm currently in a "new" form of therapy through my church and this is when I lost all desire to have sex... secular therapy has NEVER worked for me personally FYI)

My main question is this... how do I communicate it to him? He tries to understand but says he just can't... he also says it's not the "sex"... it's that he feels so distant from me and misses the intimacy... all day, every day he makes little "sexual" comments, trying for comic relief for a very real and tense situation... but that just makes me feel even more guilty and shameful... it's gotten to the point where my 3 boys have joined in the joking!

How can I make him feel loved? How can I explain that him touching me right now is not helping me and that I am trying to get help? How can I make this better? I thought I was over everything that had happened to me... I have very purposefully forgiven everyone that ever hurt me and was great for many years... in this new therapy, we've come up against a block-we can get so far and suddenly I go into a panic and can't continue... the counsellors aren't allowed to tell me what they think (that plants ideas... it has to come from me, if that makes sense) So until I get through whatever it is that I'm obviously blocking there will be no quick fix... I try to make love... no... I try to give him sex whenever I feel capable-he knows I'm not truly "in it" so then he feels guilty which enhances MY guilt... laugh... it's really quite the mess isn't it? A vicious circle I can't get out of...

Any suggestions? Ideas? Feedback? Blatant "get over it!"'s? ;)
Thank you!
XoXo
Mychele

P.S. (as if this wasn't long enuff!) Yes-I have confidence issues/esteem issues/body issues and a whole sordid list of issues! Things I thought I'd gotten past have reared their ugly heads to spit in my face... just giving you as much info as possible so you're able to give the best answers possible! :) Thanks again!

Something like this: "My dearest: I love you more than life. I know that you are not pleased that I am not comfortable being intimate with you, but for the past two years having sex makes me feel terrible. Having you touching me is not helping, and your comments and the kids' joking about it is not good either. I will do anything I can to make you happy, and if you feel you need to leave our relationship to find someone else, then I will understand and support your decision to do so."

You should enter couples therapy and the therapist can explain these things to your husband.

I see the main problem as your husband hectoring you. If he is an insensitive guy, a bully, perhaps you have real reasons not to want to have sex with him unrelated to your sexual past? Just imagine! He has brought the children into your sex life! He has major growing up issues in my opinion.

I have negative feelings toward "Christian Therapy"... the reason, there is a set agenda about who you should be or not be before the therapy even starts. If your authentic self doesn't fit in with the Christian therapeutic agenda, then what?

This is a complicated problem. From my experience, when it gets to the point when you can't even "fake it" with your husband who you previously had a sexual relationship with (despite sexual abuse in the past) then, couldn't it be that you are sick of him? Anyway, you do have to come to your own realizations, therapy is not there to tell you who you, etc.

In order to build your confidence, make sure you have the skills to hold down a full time job while you are working on the relationship issues. We never know what the future will hold for us, none of us.

Best wishes to you in the coming year,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I think your husband should be a little more understanding considering what you've been through in the past. You are going through a rough patch and need to explain to him that you love him but there is soemting in the way of your sexual relationship. You should def. go to group therapy or even music therapy. Through music therapy you will be able to release your inner and unconscious feelings you may have never knew you had. Trust me I'm going to school for this now and I've seen many cases like this where it has been helpful !

Best of luck to u.
Be strong.

Justme.

You need to set him down and tell him straight out-no matter how hurtful/shameful etc it is. Your story is silmilar to my wife's, she told me -it was a huge weight lifted off her shoulders and we can enjoy sex together without her bad feelings arising all the time.

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Originally Posted by Choux

I see the main problem as your husband hectoring you. If he is an insensitive guy, a bully, perhaps you have real reasons not to want to have sex with him unrelated to your sexual past?? Just imagine! he has brought the children into your sex life! He has major growing up issues in my opinion.

I have negative feelings toward "Christian Therapy".... the reason, there is a set agenda about who you should be or not be before the therapy even starts. If your authentic self doesn't fit in with the Christian therapeutic agenda, then what?

This is a complicated problem. From my experience, when it gets to the point when you can't even "fake it" with your husband who you previously had a sexual relationship with (despite sexual abuse in the past) then, couldn't it be that you are sick of him? Anyway, you do have to come to your own realizations, therapy is not there to tell you who you, etc.

In order to build your confidence, make sure you have the skills to hold down a full time job while you are working on the relationship issues. We never know what the future will hold for us, none of us.

Best wishes to you in the coming year,

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I can certainly understand your views on "Christian Therapy"... The therapy I'm currently in only requires one thing... a true desire to be well. It doesn't matter who you are coming in or any expectation of who you'll be once you are done... it's not a "bible-thumping" conversion tool... :) I've tried conventional therapy for years-various issues I'm sure stem from all the sexual abuse as well as a domineering mom who expected perfection in everything (actually-the "I have to be perfect in all ways at all times for all people" has had many more detrimental consequences on my life than all the sexual abuse combined)... from bulimia to anxiety/panic disorders-it's all been covered-until I went to my new therapy, I never saw any hope... I'm not saying it's right for everyone! Just as I'm not saying conventional therapy isn't right! I think it's great and works for many people... just not for me...

As to my husband... he is dominating, but not in a bullying way... it's strange really. He is very passive, rarely ever angry-in an unhealthy way mind you... this I know... when he found out about the first friend (who only tried touchy-feely "games") his response was very quiet and matter-of-fact... NOT the way someone in touch with their emotions would react... when he found out about the second friend, he was angry for sure, but he held it in for fear of making me feel guilty... understandable, to a degree, but not healthy... (oops- brain-farted out of what I was saying!) He somehow is controlling... just not overtly... I really can't explain it... but I can tell you this, he has started to change in the past 3 months... growing up a lot and trying to show more emotion-communicate his feelings more... I really don't know... like you said... it really is a very complicated thing... sadly, I think the kiddo's joining in has made him feel more connected to them... it's very important to him that he NOT be his father... in the way he relates to the kids and to me... He is trying... it's just that nothing I've said or tried thus far has worked...

I never thought about the situation from the aspect of it being pretty bad when I "can't even fake it w/my hubbie that I used to have sex with all the time" (loosely quoted obviously)... that really gave me something to think about-I'm a very passive-aggressive person... especially with my husband... I've done things without thinking because I was angry with him before... this could be part of it in some way... now to figure out if it is and how!

I think I'll be all right from the job aspect... I managed to land a very nice receptionist job with NO qualifications after being a stay-at-home mom for fifteen years... and I do plan to write a book (now you can all hold me accountable... I've made it public... :eek: ) as well as go back to school as soon as the finances allow it... hopefully it won't come to that... I really don't believe it will... but as you said, you never know... I can tell you this-it will be HIS choice, not mine...

Thanks again-I appreciate you honesty... I truly do.
XoXo
Mychele

Good luck to you once again... please look into music therapy... it is an up and coming field and can really be helpful!!

First I will say that no, Christain counseling has few set rules and agendas, except helping the couple, A catholic couselor may be different than a baptist couselor, or a anglican couselor,

You have gay and homosexual christian couselors whose religoius beliefs accept those life styles and the such.

So what you need is counseling, it matters little which type the main thing is that you have issues to go though, and he has issues to deal with as you are dealing with them.

Well just tell him what happened to you because once you tell him then maybe he will understand but just sitting there telling him ot stop won't work all the time so if I were you but I'm not I would tell him evem if it took a while to get the courage up to tell him but just take your time and just telll him what happened believe me its better for someone to tell then to hold everything back. I was close to being raped and the first person I told was my best friend who is now my boyfriend.

Has your husband been in-the-loop from the start? Might be best for both of you to sit with a good psychiatrists with the intent of enlightening your partner. I think this is very important for him, you and family.

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Originally Posted by justme005

good luck to you once again... please look into music therapy .... it is an up and coming field and can really be helpful!!!!

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"I must spread some reputation around before giving it to YOU again." ;)
So I'll respond this way!

I am definitely going to look into this! Any info you have would be appreciated and used! Thanks!
XoXo
Mychele

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Originally Posted by statictable

Has your husband been in-the-loop from the start? Might be best for both of you to sit with a good psychiatrists with the intent of enlightening your partner. I think this is very important for him, you and family.

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He's known about all that happened to me in childhood from almost day one... he learned of the 2 others later-the first about 1 month after it started-the second about 1 year after I finally couldn't take it any longer... the "friend" had escalated the rapes after he got married-started forcing his wife and I together so he could watch-the man had serious issues... he could only have sex w/his own wife if he held a gun or knife to her... when she told me that (her and I are still best friends btw) I got scared and finally told my husband about the rapes... now that I'm thinking about it... I don't think I shared all the things he made his wife and I do... I THINK I told him a little, in a very round-about way? Hrmm...

To continue (you will all get used to my brain farts... they happen often) ;)...
As far as "in-the-loop" w/the counselling? No... he'd encourage me to go but refused to come when he was invited... still isn't too keen on it as far as I know... I'll have to talk with him and see if he's willing...

Thank You!
Just realized I'm 15 minutes late in getting kids up for school! Yikes!
XoXo
Mychele

This church therapy thing is just no good. Get out while u can. Lol. If they don't sharre their thoughts with u, forget it... it leads u to feel more insecure and leaves u out in left field... wondering...

Good luck.

Get Professional therapy... alone or together, because it's a rare guy that's not going to be resentful for being cut off from sex for whatever reason over a period, its physical and not just the emotional aspect with us men.

It isn't meant to be harsh but its an important part of being married. Now it may take time ( basically years) but do it alone if you have to. After all its your issues that need to be dealt with. In time when you have been getting better maybe he will be more open to attending. But do this primarily for yourself and your happiness.

Living the life of a monk is not something I agreed to when I married my wife. While I do have a great deal of empathy for what you went through I do know therapy will help as I've known a woman who was repeatedly prostituted out by her own parents as a child from the age of about 8 (that she remembers) and basically raped for money repeated over a period of years, as well as being subjected to being chained in her room and worse till she ran away and lived on the streets at 14. While I will say she still has issues she is happily married and has several children. She does have regular treatment for Post traumatic Stress syndrome and a few other things. She does have it mostly under control. Considering what she had suffered she is able to present herself pretty well.

Cutting your husband off completely instead of therapy and expecting him to remain both celibate, faithful and happy is asking a bit much for 99% of the male population.

At the risk of sounding insensitive I must say that I feel sorry for your husband and you are lucky he is still around. I mean really, the thought of sex with him is revolting? Him touching you makes your skin crawl? Are you married to a sea cucumber or what? I say stop thinking about yourself and think a little about his feelings.

And another thing...

You say you were molested at 20? Don't you mean you were assaulted? Children are molested not adults. You need to move on and get over your trauma. Quit lamenting over what happened to you and conquer your feelings of inadequacy. You can do it. And frankly, it's the only way to help others who have dealt with similar issues. You have to learn to love yourself. It's the only way you can have a normal marriage and life.

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Originally Posted by justme005

this church therapy thing is just no good. get out while u can. lol. if they dont sharre their thoughts with u, forget it... it leads u to feel more insecure and leaves u out in left field ... wondering....

good luck.

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Smiles-I know this can happen and does happen often-it simply isn't in my case. The reason they don't share their thoughts is because (as I'm sure you are aware) ideas can be planted-once planted, whether true or not, those ideas get watered because now your actively thinking about the "maybe this occurred"-the more the idea gets watered with your thoughts the more it grows until it can bloom into a full-fledged memory... one that may not be real... true-it may be real but the chance of "implanting" a false memory is definitely a chance they feel (and I agree) shouldn't be taken. They do everything to help the person break through the blocks/walls on their own... and feelings and thoughts are shared... they are just extremely careful on sharing their personal thoughts/feelings on "what might have happened" or "what this could be". They are extremely compassionate and generous w/their time... they are just what *I* need. It may not work for everyone... I just know it is working for me... :)

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Originally Posted by smoothy

Get Professional therapy.....alone or together, because its a rare guy thats not going to be resentful for being cut off from sex for whatever reason over a period of time, its physical and not just the emotional aspect with us men.

It isn't meant to be harsh but its an important part of being married. Now it may take time ( basically years) but do it alone if you have to. After all its your issues that need to be dealt with. In time when you have been getting better maybe he will be more open to attending. But do this primarily for yourself and your happiness.

Living the life of a monk is not something I agreed to when I married my wife. While I do have a great deal of empathy for what you went through I do know therapy will help as I've known a woman who was repeatedly prostituted out by her own parents as a child from the age of about 8 (that she remembers) and basically raped for money repeated over a period of years, as well as being subjected to being chained in her room and worse till she ran away and lived on the streets at 14. While I will say she still has issues she is happily married and has several children. She does have regular treatment for Post traumatic Stress syndrome and a few other things. She does have it mostly under control. Considering what she had suffered she is able to present herself pretty well.

Cutting your husband off completely instead of therapy and expecting him to remain both celibate, faithful and happy is asking a bit much for 99% of the male population.

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I agree... completely. That's why I asked my question... I'm trying to get through this and am trying, in some way to communicate w/him... I need healing. I need to be able to feel close to him sexually again. He needs my love, my touch, my heart... I just haven't been able to effectively communicate my needs so we can find the happy medium where we are both having our needs met... w/o pain and tension-anger and resentment-etc...

Please tell your friend that I am very, very proud of her and all that she's accomplished in her life! I'm impressed and touched deeply...

I hope this made sense :)
XoXo
Mychele

I'm currently in a "new" form of therapy through my church and this is when I lost all desire to have sex...

You said you lost all desire to have sex when you got into this new church therapy? That seems like some sort of clue. You didn't say why you decided to begin this therapy.

You feel it is helping you. It might be helping you work through feelings that you never dealt with before, but is it also keeping you focused on the "negative" side of sex and all the hurt that came into your life as part of that...

Rehashing that without a focus on the positive aspects that "sex" has provided seems unhealthy. The counseling you are doing might be too one dimensional.

Talk with the husband and the boys, and let them know that the boys have no further business making any comments about your sex life or having any knowledge of it. It is not their right in any way. If it is encouraged in any way, put a stop to it. If you choose to discuss it with them, then expect appropriate conversation and for it not to be made into a joke at your expense.

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Originally Posted by EIFS EXPERT

At the risk of sounding insensitive I must say that I feel sorry for your husband and you are lucky he is still around. I mean really, the thought of sex with him is revolting? Him touching you makes your skin crawl? Are you married to a sea cucumber or what? I say stop thinking about yourself and think a little about his feelings.

And another thing...

you say you were molested at 20? Don't you mean you were assaulted? Children are molested not adults. You need to move on and get over your trauma. Quit lamenting over what happened to you and conquer your feelings of inadequacy. You can do it. And frankly, it's the only way to help others who have dealt with similar issues. You have to learn to love yourself. It's the only way you can have a normal marriage and life.

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With this one I think I'll address everything-point by point-to insure that I don't miss anything...
I feel sorry for my husband too. I asked my question because I love him and I feel so badly that I can't give him what he needs right now. I am a very lucky woman... granted he's not perfect by any stretch of the word, but who is? I didn't marry him for perfection.

Yeah-really... the thought of SEX and SEX ALONE makes me ill. Not the way you implied-it isn't him... it is ME! I thought I had made that clear, but it was very hard to convey the complexity of this situation in the forum I chose... I worried about that.

It was my thoughts of him and his feelings and what I'm putting him through that gave me the courage to post this question. I needed a way to communicate my needs (yes, that's right-thinking of myself... but this is a marriage we're speaking of... in this case, thinking of what I need is thinking of how to give him what he needs) so that perhaps, together, we could find a way to get through this with both of our needs met.

If you'll look back on my post you note that I placed the word molested in quotation marks... just like the word friend... again, it was my fault in not being able to convey the complexity of the situation... to me (and I should have elaborated) the quotes were meant to let the reader know of the sarcasm behind the word... that was my bad and I apologize.

I also put in my post that I had thought I was over the things that happened to me... I hadn't had a problem in many, many years... I wasn't lamenting then and do not want to now! I have a huge problem with the victim mentality... I don't use what happened to me as an excuse and I don't expect special treatment because of it. I honestly do not believe that stopping the sexual innuendo (from my kids and my husband) and stopping the sexual jokes (from my kids and my husband) is expecting special treatment because "poor, poor me...look what I've been through." I believe wanting the innuendo and jokes to stop is simply asking for the respect I need and deserve from both my children and my husband... and yes, they deserve the same... but with the sensitivity of the issue (the children don't know of this) I don't believe allowing the behavior to continue is the way to grant them their due respect. The purpose behind this post was in essence to get to a place where healing could occur on both ends with both of us getting what we so vitally need.

Not disagreeing with any of the last... I know I can do this-and I know in order to truly love others I have to love myself...

I absolutely appreciate your honesty... it's what I asked for and what I wanted...
I NEED to find a way to communicate with him-the joking for him helps but for me it hurts. I need to find a way to tell him that-we both need to compromise... I wasn't asking for a quick fix to "my" personal issues and only "my" personal issues... I was asking for help and advice on how to tell my husband what I need in order to give him what he needs.

Thanks again-
XoXo
Mychele