[talaniman]

`You are at the age of defining who you are, and letting others define themselves.

[yzfr1]

Hi guys,thank you again for your opinions!
With regard to her wanting to meet for a "chat".
I thought about it-she asked for a month of "NC" and broke the agreement after 2 weeks-she left and why should I run up and down with my emotions.I emailed her back,drawing attention to this fact that a month was not yet done,and informed her that I thought that perhaps a month was not long enough,and that we should continue "this break" for however long with NC at all. I explained to her that the break was what I NEEDED and that I was going to give her all the space and time in the world to "see what is out there",and in turn,I would get my space!

I said I loved her but had to get on with my life,to sort myself out,and then perhaps when we meet up again,we can re-access the situation of US. I told her that I did not want to be the "backup plan" or the "punchbag",and that I planned on giving her exactly what she asked for,for however long.

I added that she is welcome to come and fetch her belongings,and that if she wanted to break up immediately,she was welcome to do so.

I finished by saying if there was anything to "discuss" other than "us",we should keep it to email. And that if she wanted to "chat",I would know that it was the "end chat" for us.

I hope this was the right action to take,of course I don't want to lose her,but I have actually been okay for 19 days with NC,because I have kept myself ridiculously busy,so that I wouldn't think about her too much.

Obviously I want her back,but she must know that I can get on without her,and that NC is working OK for me,because if I don't know what she is doing,it can't hurt my feelings.

For the record-I have not received any contact,she still has not collected her belongings or broken up with me,like I invited her too. (I sent her the email three days ago)

What do you guys think,good or bad response from me?
I must admit,it felt like the right thing to do-even after I have read over my email to her 50 times,I still wouldn't change a word that I said.

[Homegirl 50]

I'd say you are doing fine and no matter the outcome, you will be fine.

[Ash123]

Hi guys,thank you again for your opinions!
With regard to her wanting to meet for a "chat".
I thought about it-she asked for a month of "NC" and broke the agreement after 2 weeks-she left and why should I run up and down with my emotions.I emailed her back,drawing attention to this fact that a month was not yet done,and informed her that I thought that perhaps a month was not long enough,and that we should continue "this break" for however long with NC at all. I explained to her that the break was what I NEEDED and that I was gonna give her all the space and time in the world to "see what is out there",and in turn,I would get my space!

I said I loved her but had to get on with my life,to sort myself out,and then perhaps when we meet up again,we can re-access the situation of US. I told her that I did not want to be the "backup plan" or the "punchbag",and that I planned on giving her exactly what she asked for,for however long.

I added that she is welcome to come and fetch her belongings,and that if she wanted to break up immediately,she was welcome to do so.

I finished by saying if there was anything to "discuss" other than "us",we should keep it to email. And that if she wanted to "chat",I would know that it was the "end chat" for us.

I hope this was the right action to take,of course I dont want to lose her,but I have actually been okay for 19 days with NC,because I have kept myself ridiculously busy,so that I wouldnt think about her too much.

Obviously I want her back,but she must know that I can get on without her,and that NC is working ok for me,cos if I dont know what she is doing,it can't hurt my feelings.

For the record-I have not recieved any contact,she still has not collected her belongings or broken up with me,like I invited her too. (I sent her the email three days ago)

What do you guys think,good or bad response from me?
I must admit,it felt like the right thing to do-even after I have read over my email to her 50 times,I still wouldnt change a word that I said.

Good.

But if you do more, say more, email more... beyond that - it's not good.

[yzfr1]

Hi guys!

Well,it is a month tomorrow and I am feeling OK about it,I have lasted the whole time without any contact,except responding to her text message where she asked to "meet up for a chat" which I declined. I feel pretty proud of the fact that I have lasted with this whole NC thing-where it seems like a lot of people on this forum cannot do it!

So,now my plan of action is just the same,no contact from me for however long-she left and wanted space, and that is what she is going to get! I am keeping very busy-and of course I still love her and want her back,but not through begging or pleading!

She still has not collected her belonings or officially "broken up" with me-although I did give her the offer to do so in my text response.

Strange occurrence from her side,although we have not spoken in a month,she paid her usual monthly "rent" into my account! I don't know how to read this,does she want back or not?

So,apart from no contact from my side,to show her that I am strong-I don't really know how to proceed from here.In my response-I told her that I did not think that one month would be enough to make any difference to our relationship,and that we needed longer to "sort ourselves out".So,as far as I can see it now,is more time apart now "on my terms",because a month is over? If so,I don't want this situation-because I want her back,but I don't want her to think that this break is now "my doing" and that she should move on because I am being the !

What do you think I should do now,I want to remain strong,but I don't want her to think that it is now me being the "unfair" party in this relationship! How do I let her know that "its ok to talk now..when you are ready"?

[msprettiegirl]

I know this will sound so cliché BUT...

If you love someone let her go and if she comes back then you'll know. But don't sit there and wait for her to make up her mind. Live your life to the fullest and have new experiences of your own. You may be pleasantly surprised and find out there's more to life that her. I too just broke up with a LT BF of many years. I ended it because even though I loved him I didn't feel like I was "in" love with him. I know it hurts to hear but I just told my ex the same things she's told you and I'm not looking back. If I ever take him back it will be out of missing the friendship/closeness or pity. That's not healthy for anybody. I know it's hard... it's hard for me and I'm the dumper. Just try to occupy your time doing other things and leave her be. The more you pursue or pressure someone, that's the farther you'll push them away. Take it from me.. I was in the same situation, just on a different side of the fence.

[msprettiegirl]

Strange occurance from her side,although we have not spoken in a month,she paid her usual monthly "rent" into my account! I dont know how to read this,does she want back or not?

She paid her monthly rent to still be able to stake some claims. You shouldn't have accepted it. She knows that because she's paying half the rent you won't fully move on, and you definitely won't have anyone new moving in.

[Matteus]

Hello everybody!
I hope you can assist me on my dilema!

Depends on you.

I have been with my girlfriend for seven years, we met when she was 16 and have been together since then, after high school she attended university for 4 years and gained her degree last year. She started Job hunting in January and found a job,where she has been working since February.

I bought a house this year and we moved in together in March,and things seemed exciting and great with our lives starting together in our new home.

We have always loved each other very much (7 years is a long time!),and respected each other,allowing each other time to go out and socialise with friends,like "girls nights" for example,and I have always made a point of not being possesive over her.

Over the llast couple of months though, she has been attending after work parties and going out with her colleages for drinks,etc at least once a week.

A month ago a relative fell very ill and has been in intensive care at hospital ever since,obviously straining family emotions and causing much heartache for her and the family. I get on extremely well with her family,and her parents refer to me as their "other son".

We don't need the story of your life, but anyway.

Anyway to the point,last sunday, after we spend the weekend together, she told me she is "going to drop a bomb!"

I have been reading all the related threads on this forum,and they have been very informative and interesting in their content,with the obvious advise being to give her the break she wants.So i have found it extremely difficult,but i have not contacted her,or been contacted by her for a week now.

She told me that she feels that our relationship has lost its spark and passion,and that she has a great time with me and is happy when she is with me,but can't help feeling that something is wrong.She told me that she has never been "single" and can't stop wondering what is out there and if she is missing something.She mentioned that she feels pressured by always having to think of another person and wants to experience a sense of freedom in her life.

To try and wrap up a long discussion, the good things are she says she still loves me,she doesnt want to lose me from her life and can't imagine me being with anybody else but her,and that she would be heartbroken if we broke up. But on the bad side for me,she says she wants a month break of no contact between us to sort out her head and feelings,and suggested I live a batchelor month but dont hook up with anybody else during that time.She said that she has all this new independance in her life with work and things,and although she has a good time when we are together,she has a feeling of uneasyness which she can't shake..

This girl seems very mature buddy. She was too open with her feelings toward you, and you have to thank her.

But here is the clincher,when I asked her if she was going to take all her belongings with her from my house when she left for this "break" ,she said no,because it was "just so final" and she said but what if she wants to come back home!!!

She said it to you, she is coming back. What do you want more? Respect her freedom, and let her see what it means "life as a single". I don't think you have to worry abou her coming back. In the end, you had a life together, remember this. 7 years is too much for a couple, who aren't married. Exactly, she said she needs this, because as you said, she was 16 when you too began. And now she 23. And didn't experienced nothing. Don't contact her. Let her spirit fly for some time, people need it sometime to be alone. DO NOT CONTACT HER, RESPECT HER CHOICE, RESPECT HER FREEDOM. AND Don't WORRY.

[Homegirl 50]

You've gone a month and feel pretty good.
I'd have a meeting with her. Tell her you love her and would love to get back together, but this waiting around for her to make up her mind is just not fair to you. Tell her you think you two should either try and make things work again or break up effective now. Tell her she can pick up her things. If she wants you back, she will let you know, otherwise you will no longer be in limbo.

[linds03]

Well from a woman's standpoint, I think that she is being very unfair to you. I am in a similar situation... I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. Definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. She is saying things to you that run through my head, like "I've never been single"... "but I don't want you entirely out of my life, either." It's very confusing to you. And she can't tell you to "have a bachelor month" but also tell you not to hook up with any other girls! That's what she may be doing, right? Possibly dating others? Just unfair premises. I know how hard this is... the days are endless just like the nights. You feel, empty, alone, lonely, unwanted, unloved... I get it. But you sound like you did the best you could when you dated and she will realize that sooner or later... I did. Give her the 30 days... if you don't reach out to her it will make her curious about you. She'll be asking herself questions like "is he over me?" "has he moved on?!" then she'll probably freak out and call you. The great part? She may be too late. You have control over the situation, remember that. Best of luck, though. It may work, you never know. I wanted to date to, but all I've done is sit here for the last 5 weeks crying over him. Freedom can be a great thing, but it can also kick you in the face and say "you idiot! you had it all along"... let her realize that :)

[trying4babykirk]

I am not going to preach to you but I am going to keep it simple, and maybe even lift your spirits! My boyfriend at the time (husband) now went on a "break" about 3 years into our relationship... we fought about every 2 weeks nothing big just little arguments, so we took a break for one month and decided to work things out and 2 years later we got married. The "break" was the best thing that ever happened to us, even though it was hard! I couldn't count the fights on one hand since then! Good Luck... What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!!

[Applejacks83irv]

About time I hear a happy ending! I'm going trew the same thing I too been in a 7yr relationship and its so hard and the thing she say on her my space page hurts the hell out of me and there lies and she blams every thing on me and she don't see her self too? I did everything too man and love that job to be the worker and come home to the love of your life and I miss that sooo much ! And the only thing I do is pray and tell god that I hope her dreams come true and that she reaches her goal in life... and yes and I have move on... I even started dating and yes we fight about dumb stuff and the little stuff... hey man! At least you have a chance I don't think I don't because she change her number and I never call her and that's is what hurts the most and there was one time I ask her what have I done why do you hate me? She say nothing and walk away and from that day on I told myself that's it! No more pain no more hurt and I close that book forever! And started working out and started dating to this girl who wants to be a cop! And she a black belt and I think its cool she can kick my or kill me! With one hit! And on top of that every date we want on she wants to pay and we joke and I tell her HEY! GIVE ME MY BALLS BACK! LOL HAHAHA! And I never had that before with the old girl? Its new it doesn't mean I'll take it for granted and on top of that I know what not to do?

[yzfr1]

Hey guys! Just a quick update, 6 weeks now, status unchanged, but we are meeting up next weekend for us to settle things... 99.9 % chance of breakup I reckon,but time does help with clearing the emotions and leaving the facts,and at the end of the day,if it goes the split-route,then at least things can officially move on and we can carry on with life! I will let you know the outcome... but I don't think there will be any surprises!

[enigmagnetic]

Steady now. You've maintained full control of this and quite well I might add. Do not be the one to ask for her back. She has to do it. It sounds like you are ready to walk into the lions den. I agree with Matteus in his last post. She is 23 and at this age specifically right before mid 20's women are at their flakiest. She also has not experienced being single and now she has had a bit of freedom and may not want to look back. She may want to find herself, and I have seen this in so many instances. My ex did this as well. We were together and when 24 came, she started wanting to go out on her own and explore and go on trips and explore. I mean, I don't hate her for it, it just wasn't specifically enriching to maintain a commitment. When we where together, I tried to stop her and keep her with me, which was my greatest mistake. I should have left her alone to do whatever made her happy. She also wanted the whole 1 month break thing before the final break up. For me it was inevitable. I understand that now. So hard hat on my friend! Remember you are young. You both have not lived. Go live for yourself. Be strong and build your own character away from her regardless of whether you get back together. You have to build a separate identity away from her. Keep yourself busy, you're young it's good for you. Take care.

[Homegirl 50]

Matteus disagrees: I would consider saying you are right, but you aren't :)
You may disagree with my anwer but that does not mean it was wrong or not helpful.

[s_cianci]

Matteus disagrees: Wrong. You are telling him to be rude! The girl just wants some freedom, and you are telling him to not respect her freedom.

Actually, just the opposite if you read my post. I was encouraging him to respect and give her her freedom, the whole nine yards. She wanted NC and that's exactly what I was telling him to give her, save for the bare necessity of telling her to come fetch her belongings which is too hard to get around. Since she's the one who wanted the break there's nothing rude about it at all. She's getting what she asked for and she has to take the bad with he good. I sensed that the OP was feeling a little guilty about telling her to come and get her stuff and was afraid that if he called her to come an get it that he'd be imposing on her and I needed to reassure him that that wasn't the case. As it is, she's the one that's imposing on him by keeping her belongings there after she moved out, wanting a break. He has every right to tell her to come and get it, while still respecting her freedom by keeping it just at that ; come and get your belongings and nothing more.

[chicknpi]

Sure would like to know how this all worked out after all these years.