[armyof1]

Hi all,
So I took the advice from my last "relationship" experience I got on here and applied it to this girl I was dating. (Get to know the girl and no sex involved for a bit) We starting dating at the end of September. On our first date, I took her on a picnic. I cooked, laid out a blanket, we sat by the lake and we had a great time.

We made out a bit, had great conversation, and even had a few inside jokes already. We texted all that week, both saying we had a great time and we're looking forward to seeing each other again. We made plans for the next week and she decided she would come over and I would cook her dinner.

We had another amazing time. We slow danced, lied down together for hours, talked and laughed. We made out for awhile. It was really nice. We texted each other all that week as well. Complimenting each other, flirting, talking about our day, and saying we can't wait to see each other again. Calling each other beautiful and handsome. Saying the good mornings and goodnights.

She called and said "Lets do something festive". I said that sounds great, like what? She said "Lets carve pumpkins" I said that sounds perfect to me. I'll come to you since you came to me last time. She said "Perfect". The next few days we were both talking about it and getting excited about it.

The day before it was suppose to happen she texted and said "Hey, would you rather go see a movie instead?" I said "Why, I thought we were carving pumpkins?"
She said "Well I think we need more time for that, that's something we can do on the weekend. We can do that this weekend, she said. I said "Ok, cool"

There wasn't any good moves playing so we ended up doing mini golf at night.
We had the whole course to ourselves. It was a beautiful night. She was VERY flirty! Constantly touching me, smiling, kissing me, we kissed a lot and made out in between holes. It was great. I told her I really liked her and I like the feeling I get being around her and that she makes me smile. She said "Awwww, babe, I feel the same way. That makes me so happy".

We ended the night with some kisses and she said she was going to come over my place either Saturday or Sunday for pumpkin carving. She had a fundraising event Friday night and said she had to help clean up Saturday. I said "Ok, well just let me know". She said 'Ok"

Yesterday she was VERY short and distant. I text her around 3pm and said "Hey, some of my friends want to go out tonight so let me know if you're coming over today" She said "Today isn't going to work, I've been cleaning all day. I said "Ok, well let me know what time you want to shoot for tomorrow. I hope your day is going well"

She texted back later and said "I want to spend the day with my family tomorrow. I hope you understand". I replied "Is something wrong", because I had a bad gut feeling....

She replied "I just need some space". She didn't even want to talk on the phone about it. So we just texted. It was kind of annoying. Basically she said she just needs some space for now and didn't really give a reason.

I'm really confused because it came out of nowhere. I mean obviously I'll give her her space, but is it over? If it's not, should I even consider starting something up with this girl again?
I mean I took the whole sex equation out of it and got to know her and we had great times.
I'm just really confused...
Thanks for reading this. Everyone on here is great and it's a great thing how people help everyone out. :)

[J_9]

Is this the same girl? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-815904.html

[armyof1]

Is this the same girl? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-815904.html

No, new girl. I got over that last girl quickly. She was just bad news and you guys helped me see that.
I didn't know where to post this new topic, in the dating or relationship?

Can I move this to the Relationship section? Or is this in the right spot?

[Homegirl 50]

Sounds like she may have had a change of heart or something. I'd leave it alone.

[J_9]

Again, too fast too furious.

Is it over? It never began. You can't have an ending without a beginning.

Now you have to learn how to "begin" appropriately to have a lasting healthy relationship.

I mean no ill will, but are you as desperate in reality as you come across here?

You need to stop with the "making out." That makes your hormones scream. Your brain can't think properly if your hormones are screaming.

Keep your lips, hands and groin to yourself for at least two months when dating a new lady. The right woman will respect you more.

[joypulv]

You write blurbs about each date as though they are going on a greeting card. Who cares about picture-perfect first few dates?
She may have met someone else. She may have been giving her time with you her best shot, but it just didn't make her heart go pitter pat. Maybe you texted too much for her taste, or not enough, or said things she didn't go for. She may have thought it was all a bit superficial. I expect to exchange a bit of deeper thoughts with someone, even a new someone, just a minute here and there at first and then more and more as time goes on. Childhood. Plans for life. Hopes. Fears. How you get along with family. Where you wish you could live. What your career would be.

Just the fact that you are here wondering if we know if it's over based on date details tells me a LOT. You think there are answers and rules and guide books. There aren't. You act naturally. You are who you are. You be friendly and you listen as much as you talk. The rest is up to chemistry.

[talaniman]

OMG guy, just give her space to do other thing in her life. This will help her, and you process what HAS already happened. If you cannot allow her to slow down and take stock without the dread, then maybe you aren't ready yet for even dating.

Don't take it personally, it's easy to get overwhelmed by the cutesy pootsy making out and having fun as you get to know each other dates, and slowing down a bit to catch your breath and think is a GREAT thing.

No doubt you need some time to unpack your own past baggage and do something besides chase another female so exclusively, and this allows you to do that so don't waste it being afraid, and confused.

Can't you just give her space without the desperate drama?? Just be cool and try as more will be revealed later. The dread "need space" didn't come out of nowhere and if you weren't so distracted by the makeout fun you would have seen it coming, and expected it, and slowed the physical stuff in the first place.

RELAX!!!

[armyof1]

Yeah, I am giving her her space. I played everything pretty normal. I didn't text too much, I didn't pry. I guess I'm just very sensitive person and I take things too personally. I have to learn to relax and take things in stride.

[talaniman]

Dating is about having FUN as you get to know someone to see if a relationship is something you BOTH want to take a CHANCE at.

[catonsville]

It seems like the same scenario just a change of No sex. You want to do things right. So far, there is not enough time on the dating clock to move forward to where you want things to be. Give it a little more time and have a "tete e tete" to see if it has a chance to grow.

[dontknownuthin]

This is the key in a new relationship - don't put your own life on hold. Focus entirely on work or school when you are working on those things, go out with your friends, clean your place, do the laundry, pay the bills - whatever you would do if she wasn't in your life at all, keep doing it. You are attempting to have a relationship with someone you have gone out with a few times. It's making her uncomfortable, even though she got swept away too. It sounds like she realized it was too much, too soon.

So, chill out and relax. Don't expect to hear from her daily or even every other day. Let some time pass. Maybe in a week, you could reach out to her and see if she'd like to go to dinner. If she says "no", take your exit. Then next time, no big makeout sessions for the first few dates. Take her out, a kiss at the door is the max and even that - not on the first date. Second date, sure, if she seems into you, go for the kiss. But one nice kiss, then thank her for a nice date, ask if you can call, and then maybe a couple days later, call and set up the third date. Make it casual, daytime - relaxied. Don't contantly be going for some goal of a relationship or to make out or score - go with the intention of getting to know her and seeing if you feel she might be a good fit for you. Slow wayyyyy down.

[Jake2008]

I'm glad you held off on the sex until you began to really sense who this woman is.

I have little respect for people who cannot give a straight answer. A straight answer is not excuses, quick texts, and short status quo answers like, "I need space". Those are the behaviours of someone who is not ready, willing or able to walk on the path they have themselves, created.

Jumping ship before leaving the harbor isn't a good sign. Everything as you said, was going well, and there were no signs of either of you not willing to carry on as you had been, making arrangements for things to do together, etc. Then everything stopped on a dime.

I think your instincts are good.

IF and when SHE contacts you again, be certain that you are willing to talk to her, given the opportunity, about honesty. Feel her out to see how she reacts when you tell her you were a little miffed about suddenly 'needing space', and what it means, or meant.

(my gut tells me there is another guy... )

Give yourself space, and if things should progress to another date, make it for two weeks ahead, because YOU have plans you cannot change. If she bails, I wouldn't give her another thought. If she doesn't bail, take things very slowly and get to know her. Find out where she sits on values, and honesty, respect, responsibility, etc. She may surprise you and you learn more about her that you really like.

But go slow.

[armyof1]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate everyone's feedback and advice. I'll stay busy with my work and friends. I'll keep you updated on what happens.

[armyof1]

I'm glad you held off on the sex until you began to really sense who this woman is.

I have little respect for people who cannot give a straight answer. A straight answer is not excuses, quick texts, and short status quo answers like, "I need space". Those are the behaviours of someone who is not ready, willing or able to walk on the path they have themselves, created.

Jumping ship before leaving the harbor isn't a good sign. Everything as you said, was going well, and there were no signs of either of you not willing to carry on as you had been, making arrangements for things to do together, etc. Then everything stopped on a dime.

I think your instincts are good.

IF and when SHE contacts you again, be certain that you are willing to talk to her, given the opportunity, about honesty. Feel her out to see how she reacts when you tell her you were a little miffed about suddenly 'needing space', and what it means, or meant.

(my gut tells me there is another guy... )

Give yourself space, and if things should progress to another date, make it for two weeks ahead, because YOU have plans you cannot change. If she bails, I wouldn't give her another thought. If she doesn't bail, take things very slowly and get to know her. Find out where she sits on values, and honesty, respect, responsibility, etc. She may surprise you and you learn more about her that you really like.

But go slow.

Come to think of it, on our first date we talked about what was important to us in a relationship. When I said communication, she said "Oh boy, I'm really bad at that. I can't communicate at all and I just shut down"
That just hit my mind since you said find out where she sits on values etc.

[Jake2008]

Interesting.

Always a good idea to reflect, and also a good idea not to blame yourself.

Stay strong.

[Oliver2011]

“I replied "Is something wrong"” What? She wants to do something without you and you go there?

You sound very smothering and smothering is never attractive. There are those of us out there in the world who can’t be around people like you. I know I couldn’t. I went back and reread what you wrote on the previous encounter with a woman and these encounters sound so unreal and uncomfortable. In every relationship I’ve been in there’s a requirement that I have my own friends and my own time to do whatever I please. You know she probably got bad vides from you and that’s what is pushing her away. I know I got bad vibes just reading it.

[armyof1]

“I replied "Is something wrong"” What? She wants to do something without you and you go there?

You sound very smothering and smothering is never attractive. There are those of us out there in the world who can’t be around people like you. I know I couldn’t. I went back and reread what you wrote on the previous encounter with a woman and these encounters sound so unreal and uncomfortable. In every relationship I’ve been in there’s a requirement that I have my own friends and my own time to do whatever I please. You know she probably got bad vides from you and that’s what is pushing her away. I know I got bad vibes just reading it.

Well she's the one that made plans with me for Saturday or Sunday. She wanted to see me on one of those days. Her text on Friday afternoon "Hey, I can't wait to see you this weekend. I'll let you know what time I'll be over" She lives with her family, so when she said she didn't want to see because she wants to spend time with her family, yeah, I got the feeling something was wrong.

[Oliver2011]

“I got the feeling something was wrong.” Well there might be. You might be creeping her out. You haven’t known her that long and you are moving very fast. I imagine the same thing happened with the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that… You are 30+ based on your last posting – what has been your longest relationship? If I was in a relationship where the other person moved as fast as you, I would feel very uncomfortable. You are in the getting to know each other stage so you shouldn’t be putting expectations on her for anything. You do accept that she is allowed to do other things which don’t include you and she is also allowed to see other people right?

Give her some space. People like their space. I work at the same company as my spouse so that means we live and work together. But we continue to have our own friends and we have shared friends too. We also continue to have our own activities and that will never change. Those things and space are important. Maybe she doesn’t want to be contacted by you daily yet. Maybe she doesn’t want to see you daily.

[armyof1]

“I got the feeling something was wrong.” Well there might be. You might be creeping her out. You haven’t known her that long and you are moving very fast. I imagine the same thing happened with the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that… You are 30+ based on your last posting – what has been your longest relationship? If I was in a relationship where the other person moved as fast as you, I would feel very uncomfortable. You are in the getting to know each other stage so you shouldn’t be putting expectations on her for anything. You do accept that she is allowed to do other things which don’t include you and she is also allowed to see other people right?

Give her some space. People like their space. I work at the same company as my spouse so that means we live and work together. But we continue to have our own friends and we have shared friends too. We also continue to have our own activities and that will never change. Those things and space are important. Maybe she doesn’t want to be contacted by you daily yet. Maybe she doesn’t want to see you daily.

My longest relationship was 3 years. Yes, Im in my early 30's. My last "relationship" which I posted about was basically a hook up after I looked at it.
But my relationships before that I was always the one that that felt rushed.

In my 3 year relationship the girl started talking about marriage 3 months into it. I had a talk with her and told her that was WAAY TOO early for bringing that up.

My past relationship was 9 months. Basically the same thing. After about 4 months she started talking about marriage and I told her it was too early.

In this new "dating" issue. I was honestly going off her actions. I had intentions of not texting her for a day or so, but I would get a text from her in the afternoon saying "Hey, babe, I miss you. I can't wait to see you. How are you?". I wasn't putting any pressure on her at all. Thursday we had our last date. I wasn't going to text her until Friday. She text me Thursday saying "Hey handsome. I had such an amazing time with you lastnight :) :) :) :) I can't wait to see you this weekend."

Again, she was the one that wanted to do something over the weekend. I just told her to let me know so I can make plans with my friends to play ball.
I didn't hear from her Saturday, so I just wanted to know what was going on so I could play ball that night.

That's when she said she needed space...

[Oliver2011]

Well good. Now I feel less creeped out. Maybe she has most of the issues, but you both would know that if you slowed things way the heck down. When a relationship is rushed the chances go up that there will be a crash and burn in the future and probably the near future. And if you think about it, it makes sense to get to know the true person first before making a commitment to that person. Just remember when you meet someone and go out with them, you are going out with an actor in the beginning. People including you and I don't let their guard down until we have known them awhile.