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janetlove · Jan 27, 2015, 03:16 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year. He told me he loves me and cares for me but he isn't in love with me. I'm feeling confused by this.

CravenMorhead · Jan 27, 2015, 03:38 PM

He loves you, but isn't in love with you? That is a dilly of pickle. How old are you both?

I have a hard time telling the difference between being "in love" and "loving" a person. It seems to be about the same to be except for some technicalities. I actually googled this to prepare a better answer. Most put "loving" a person to mean in a more familial way. The you love your mother/father/brother/dog, but to be in love is more of the romantic love, the "true love" if you would. I love my wife and I am in love with my wife. She's not the be all end all in my world, but she, along with my daughter and coming son, are the most important people in my life. I love my parents but we don't see eye to eye on many things.

What does he mean by that? Only he knows for sure. What do I think he means by that? The roaring fire of love that comes at the beginning of any relationship has died down to embers or gone completely out. He cares for you deeply but isn't sure if you're the one he wants to spend the REST of his life with. He could be a prelude to him breaking up with you. It could be that he just needs more time to fall in love. Only he knows.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 27, 2015, 04:05 PM

It means he cares about you but not enough to want to be with you.
But you should ask him what he means. How old are the two of you.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2015, 06:37 PM

Your ages probably have a lot to do with it because he loves you as a girlfriend and date partner but ain't ready to say it's a forever thing. That happens.

Fr_Chuck · Jan 27, 2015, 07:03 PM

It also sounds like the line men use when they are breaking up with a person, or when they perhaps want to continue dating or have a sex partner but not want to marry or make a long term commitment

dontknownuthin · Jan 27, 2015, 07:21 PM

He doesn't feel romantic love for you, so it wild be good to move the on. He isn't the right guy for you.

janetlove · Jan 27, 2015, 10:51 PM

We are both 59. He said he doesn't want to lose me. He feels he needs time to fall in love with me. I feel that one would know if they truly love someone after having an intimate relationship which has lasted over a year. No? I'm so confused and have mixed feelings. I want this to work and keep hanging in. But I also want a mutual love relationship.

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It means he cares about you but not enough to want to be with you.
But you should ask him what he means. How old are the two of you.

We are 59

Jake2008 · Jan 27, 2015, 11:14 PM

He loves you, but he isn't in love with you.

Think of getting a new puppy. You very quickly learn to love that puppy, and love being with him, and love walking him, and cuddling up with him on the couch eating popcorn. You love showing him off, and taking him to get groomed, and you love the funny things he does.

But, you are not in love with the puppy.

You can love your car, your parents, your friends, Obama, The Rolling Stones, mint chewing gum, and mashed potatoes. But, you are not in love with any these people or things.

He's not in love with you; it's more like 'love ya' that you would say to a close friend. It's a nice endearment.

There is a huge difference between the love you feel for a puppy, or a place, or a friend, or a possession, than being in love, in a romantic, committed way with a boyfriend, or husband.

He sees you as the cute little puppy is my guess.

talaniman · Jan 28, 2015, 03:49 AM

Kind of obvious you both have different ideas about love, and romance. But you seem to have an honesty going too, and on balance that's not a bad thing so decision is in your court how you proceed. Like any DATING couple, you talk about it openly,and honestly and see what happens.

What's so unusual about mature people having different expectations for their relationship? Now you have more FACTS about his feelings. Don't be confused, though disappointment is probably the root of that confusion, figure out what YOU want to do about it.

joypulv · Jan 28, 2015, 05:02 AM

I'm wondering about YOU. It seems that a woman of 59 would understand what it means to love and not be in love.
Therefore, can you tell us what your expectations are from him, in concrete plans for the future? And what are his? And third, why haven't you two talked about all this?

Often at your ages, one or both people don't want to a) live together and b) get married, and the reasons often have to do with relationships with grown children, with finances, with memories of a deceased spouse, or with being set in their ways about sharing living space. Does any of that sound like it might apply to either one of you?

CravenMorhead · Jan 28, 2015, 08:13 AM

I have found that in a couple one is usually more "Into" the other then the other is to them. To be a little more clear, one partner could be 90% into the other while the other is only about 60% into them. A hollywood crush is usually a 100% to 0% but with a functional working relationship it usually needs to be similar and high.

From what it seems you are emotionally involved with him then he is with you. You're looking for companionship and he doesn't want to be alone.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 28, 2015, 08:51 AM

I would think after a year of having an intimate relationship and being that old a person would know what they want.
Where do you want this relationship to go and does he want the same? Maybe he is content with a sexual relationship, which is fine if that is OK with you.
Could it be you want a commitment and he does not want to give one? You have to ask yourself if he is important to you enough to hang in there.

janetlove · Jan 30, 2015, 06:31 PM

Originally Posted by janetlove

We are both 59. He said he doesn't want to lose me. He feels he needs time to fall in love with me. I feel that one would know if they truly love someone after having an intimate relationship which has lasted over a year. No? I'm so confused and have mixed feelings. I want this to work and keep hanging in. But I also want a mutual love relationship.

We are 59

I just want to thank everyone for helping me out. I was able to think everything through and have a talk with my boyfriend. I am happy to say he really thought everything through. He realized that he is in love with me. He realized he was about to lose me and that is not what he wanted. I told him that if he didn't know how he felt about me after a year of being togther what was the point. I didn't want to be waiting anymore and wondering if he was ever going to be in love with. So I thank you all again for your support. You gave me the strength to stand up for myself and for that I am great full!!

dontknownuthin · Feb 6, 2015, 03:57 PM

Often people go through these things over and over and over and you play this game of wondering how he feels. I would be very leery of the situation because I do not think you are on solid ground if he acted like that or spoke to you as he did at all. He may just be worried about having no girlfriend at all. I would keep your eyes wide open and consider whether you want a boyfriend who has to be talked into feeling how you want him to, or who has to go through all this drama and making you question everything. At your ages, he shouldn't be so confused about his feeling - an older man should be able to have more clarity about what he wants and should not be stringing you along.

I am 50 and can tell you that one conversation like that would be the end of the conversation for me. Frankly, I thought you were a teenager because his behavior sounds like high school. I would expect a man nearly 60 to be more in possession of his own feelings and not to be playing games. And as for this time to fall in love with you - you know, that's ridiculously hurtful after dating for a year. I think you're both of an age where he should S$%^ or get off the pot as far as deciding whether he's in love with you. Are you supposed to play loyal girlfriend while he decides he's in love with you (which incidentally means that he's still shopping)?

talaniman · Feb 8, 2015, 08:07 AM

Glad you got what you wanted... for now. All it took was "I love You" it seems. Whatever that means.

For some to come to full commitment though may take longer, but I guess thi is progress.

janetlove · Feb 8, 2015, 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Often people go through these things over and over and over and you play this game of wondering how he feels. I would be very leery of the situation because I do not think you are on solid ground if he acted like that or spoke to you as he did at all. He may just be worried about having no girlfriend at all. I would keep your eyes wide open and consider whether you want a boyfriend who has to be talked into feeling how you want him to, or who has to go through all this drama and making you question everything. At your ages, he shouldn't be so confused about his feeling - an older man should be able to have more clarity about what he wants and should not be stringing you along.

I am 50 and can tell you that one conversation like that would be the end of the conversation for me. Frankly, I thought you were a teenager because his behavior sounds like high school. I would expect a man nearly 60 to be more in possession of his own feelings and not to be playing games. And as for this time to fall in love with you - you know, that's ridiculously hurtful after dating for a year. I think you're both of an age where he should S$%^ or get off the pot as far as deciding whether he's in love with you. Are you supposed to play loyal girlfriend while he decides he's in love with you (which incidentally means that he's still shopping)?

I totally agree with you. I decided to keep my eyes wide open. I happen to love him for who he is. I decided to take it a day at a time. I have noticed a big change in how he acts and treats me. He is more attentive and relaxed. I use to feel him being very distant and standoffish at times. He was in a five year relationship and was to get married and she dumbed him. There really is way too much to his story. Bottom line he is afraid of being hurt. I just told him after a year if he doesn't know how he feels about me then there is no reason for me to stay in this relationship. I am still standing by my word... anotherwords if there is no big change in our relationship then I'm moving on. So I am letting things take its course and gave myself a time line. I am not getting any younger so I decided to not waste too much of my time. So far there has been improvement and that has made me happy. 😄

janetlove · Feb 8, 2015, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Glad you got what you wanted... for now. All it took was "I love You" it seems. Whatever that means.

For some to come to full commitment though may take longer, but I guess thi is progress.

Well, it is more then I love you. That helped but I'm also looking at how he is acting with me. He use to act distant and standoffish. Now he is more attentive and loving towards me. But I am keeping my eyes wide open. I am seeing how it goes day to day. I also gave myself a time line. I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to settle. I believe actions speak louder then words. So I want to see more action. 😊