[bidingmytime]

I am hoping to get some advice from someone who has been married...

I have boyfriend, we have been together for a long time, but last 3 years he has been waiting for me and I have been in China teaching English. During this time, we have seen each other when I come home for the summer, once he came to China, and once we met in Singapore and other time in Japan.

During these 3 years I have tried to break up with him, but we always end up getting back together somehow. Now I am home and I have a big decision to make...

First I'll tell you he his a good person, he loves me more than anything in the world, he doesn't lie, he doesn't cheat, he doesn't see other girls, for him, I'm just The One. And he also has a good job and we have similar hobbies; he likes to travel, we both like to learn new things, etc. On paper he is just want I want. And I care about him, and I love him... but...

... I haven't got any romantic feelings for him. I can't get turned on physically with him, and therefore I never want to be intimate, if we do do that, then it hurts and it's miserable. Holding hands and hugging is OK, but beyond that, I just don't want to. So this causes me to feel extremely depressed, and this is why I have tried to break up with him so many times in the past. If we just had a good sex life, I could be with him, but we don't, it's terrible.

Every time I have broken up with him, I end up coming back. This is because he will make a convincing argument why we are good together, and also I think my age play a factor, I'm 30 - I don't want to be out there competing with the 19 year olds...

So about getting married, I have heard all the romantic feelings just go away anyway, so how important are those feelings and attractions? Is it a small thing to not be attracted to someone, or is that a big problem... I guess these questions sound silly, but I am pretty sure millions of women everyday end up with men they are not attracted to and far worse than the one that I have. I would just like to hear some feedback from an outsider.

[joypulv]

Sure, romance goes away, but it's followed by a warm comfortable closeness (with sex or not so much or sometimes not at all), not 'something that was never there in the first place.'

Please don't marry him just because you are 30. Please explore more about your lack of desire for intimacy with him. I don't get a sense of whether it is just that, no desire for HIM, or if it's something you have in general and perhaps with other men in the past. Can you tell us more?

[smoothy]

If you keep breaking up... DON'T even consider marriage.

But I don't think you are seriously even considering it anyway. If you are, then stop.

And incidentally... you aren't competing against 19 year olds for the same guys.

THe romantic feelings never completely go away... they change somewhat... nor does the attraction thing... they may not be as intense as they were... but they don't go away. Certain feelings deepen...

I can't fathom being with someone you have no feelings or attraction to. That sounds more like a room mate.

[bidingmytime]

I have never had this problem with other men, in the past, having sex was always the good thing about having a boyfriend and then there were always other problems, now for this guy for some reason I just can't get turned on, but the problem is only with him.

And yes he is kind of like a close, best friend, I love him and there is attachment there, but no physical attraction... I just think it's a pity I can't feel more.

Right now we are not living together, I haven't moved in with him... actually we have never lived together, but have spent a week together here and there. I think that people who move in together should have the attraction first, but then my boyfriend thinks I should try it for a while because our sex life can get better if we are around each other more.

[smoothy]

I think you are wasting your time with this one... if you don't have physical attraction in the beginning... you aren't ever going to have it. Then one day in the future you meet someone you do... and the cheating starts...

[bidingmytime]

smoothy, you are probably right...

[Fr_Chuck]

After 3 years in China, no boyfriends here, Every female teacher, I know here, gets several date offers each week.

But, no, he is a friend, and that is your feeling for him. But even a friend, should do enough foreplay to get your somewhat turned on...

It will not get better, only worst.

It does not matter, how get a guy, it matters how you feel. The romance does not die, unless the marriage does, it may change some, but the desire should still be there at 60.

[talaniman]

He ain't the one so move along, nothing to see here. Break up, but don't go back. That's the problem, you keep going back.