[Keith2012]

Here's my situation. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2012. I went through treatment and I have been in remission for about a year now.

Like any cancer patient I go for follow up care every few months or so as the doctors will follow me for 5 years.


Anyway to make a long story short I really hope that the cancer comes back. This is what I want. I do not want to live and for the last 15 years I have wanted a way out of this world but I prefer to commit suicide through passive means such as wishing cancer on myself so that it does not look like a suicide to friends and family.

The only reason I went through treatment was to avoid confrontation with family. They have no idea that I do not want to be cured of the cancer. If my oncologist found out that I have a wish for this thing to come back he might have me referred to a mental hospital.

My point is I know this is not normal. I do not know of any other cancer patient who has a wish to die from their disease. I go to each of my follow up cat scans hoping they find signs of a relapse or progression of the disease. Maybe my oncologist would stop the follow up care if he knew I wanted this thing to return.

What kind of mental illness do I have? I am the only one not excited about being in remission.

[Oliver2011]

Depression is common in people fighting cancer and it's even more common if you underwent chemotherapy. It doesn't have to be this way. You should share these thoughts with your doctor. It very well could be caused by a physical change such as a chemical imbalance triggered by cancer drugs. So it is in fact very normal. I looked it up online and 25% of cancer patients go through this. So go to the doctor and tell him what your thoughts are.

[Keith2012]

Is it normal for friends or relatives to keep a certain distance from a dying patient? If it is normal then why do they do this?

I read in one article that sometimes a dying patient is ostracized by society. Even some parents may keep a distance from a dying child.

[dontknownuthin]

It can be very hard for people to know what to say or how to act. It can be frightening if people have not confronted death of a loved one before. Some people assume it would be an intrusion on the family to come around.

Are you seeing this happen? What are the circumstances?

[Keith2012]

Well I think some of my family and friends are keeping a distance from me ever since I talked about how my cancer will probably come back. I think they get the sense that I want this to happen to me and so they are turned off and angry with me for not thinking positive about the situation.

Nobody wants to talk about the prospects of cancer relapse. They just tell me that I should not even think about it and just focus on the fact that I am in remission. Well I can't do that. I think about the prospect of cancer relapse everyday and every hour. Wishful thinking I admit is a big part of what is driving me to think about it to the extent that I do. Without telling anyone that I want this to happen to me they probably suspect it is what I want.

Well I feel that my life is expendable and if the cancer comes back with a vengenance then I deserve it.

[joypulv]

What is hard for most people is the feeling that they have to do something to help someone who is dying. When they can't, they get frustrated, frustration makes them feel helpless, and helplessness makes them sort of angry.
Now on top of all those mixed emotions is the fact that you aren't dying, at least not on the spectrum of life-death that most of us think counts as 'dying.' Of course we are all in various stages of dying. I'm old and have some old age ailments and to me, that counts as dying.
People are pulling away from you because you don't quite qualify in their estimation to even talk about it. That's too bad, and I would suggest that you find a support group of people with cancer. That way you can talk all you want, as you should! I see no reason why you have to 'remain positive' for all the death-avoiders in the world. Or find an online group, or start one.

(As for 'deserving' an early death? To me that is hogwash. Where in the world are you getting that from? Religion? Stupid sayings about we get what we deserve in life? If that's what you are telling people, no wonder they are frustrated. Life just is, and disease and dying just are. If you want to die for some personal reason, that's another story.)

[Keith2012]

I look at it this way. If the cancer comes back and kills me then at least I helped soften the blow of the grief process for friends and family by doing things that push them away now. This way they probably won't miss me as much if something does happen to me. I really don't want to be around people when the time comes for me to die no matter when or how it happens.

I could just become an to them so that all they will remember when I die is how much of a jerk I was. This will help them get on with their lives much sooner. Speed up the grief process.

[talaniman]

Your attitude sucks and pushes people away. Live now and be a good person and deal with death when it happens. We are defined in death by the lies we touch while we can. Your own self pity is disgusting and you are not helping anyone, not even yourself.

Stop reading negative BS. You create more pain now, than you are trying to save later.

[smearcase]

It is very difficult for most people to visit those they believe are dying. And if the person they would be visiting feels that there is no hope and just wants to talk about hopelessness it becomes about ten times more difficult. All the visitor can do in that situation is listen and some will still do it, and maybe it is beneficial for the dying person to let out some of their true feelings. There are other situations where people will tend to stay away (like when another family has lost a child ) and it is mostly because the visitor doesn't know what to say and don't know if the family is ready to even talk about the loss, and even if they are it is easy to innocently say the wrong thing in one or another's opinion.

However I don't think that ostracize is the right word for it, maybe avoid would be closer. I have visited several dying people. One was an engineer who just discussed the facts related to his treatment and likely outcomes and the plans he was making for his funeral. Another was very depressed and said very little. Another amazed us with her ability to adjust to it and keep leading as normal a life as possible even though she was now bundled up in a wheelchair watching Gunsmoke as she had usually done in the afternoon. There are many reasons a person can come up with to not visit a dying person, the most likely one being in my opinion- they are hiding from their own mortality and doing so will make their own lives more difficult as time goes by, but there can be any number of other reasons, such as when the spouse of the dying person is not welcoming to the visitors and that can be for a number of reasons too.

I don't think that I could respect myself if I had a good friend, relative or even an employee who I had supervised or someone I highly respected, who was dying and I didn't try to have at least one visit with them. If I felt that I couldn't visit the person in his/her last days, I certainly wouldn't go to the funeral when the time came. To me, that would be the epitome of hypocrisy.

I wouldn't judge how anyone handles the prospect of dying until I has seen how I had handled it myself. And of course, I can't very well do that. But I really don't think I will pass the test. I will most likely just say- no visitors allowed-- thereby saving others the anguish of deciding visit or not visit. If someone appealed that decision I would probably allow them to visit.

[Keith2012]

Well like anything else in life the thing I wish for the most to happen probably won't happen. So the fact that I want the cancer to return and kill me means the opposite is likely to happen and therefore there's no reason for my cancer doctor to follow up on me since that means I am cured.

The other possibility is that I will get my wish all right but it is going to be a lot more than I bargained for. Meaning I'm going to die of cancer all right but it is going to be a very painful and violent death and who knows I may suffocate on my way out of this world.

So those are the only 2 possibilities. Either the opposite of my wish is going to happen or I am going to get my wish all right with more than I bargained for and therefore being stuck in a position much longer than I wanted to.

[Wondergirl]

for the last 15 years I have wanted a way out of this world

Why have you felt this way for that long? It sounds like the cancer had nothing to do with this.

***ADDED*** Like tal said, it's time to tell your doctor about these feelings. (P.S. My cancer "adventure" was in 2009.)

[talaniman]

Your threads were merged to get ALL he facts in one place.

You are not dying, just recovering from a health issue but your mental state could use as much attention as your physical one. I implore you to reach out to your physician as you have reached out to us and stop being an . Make the most of what you have and been given. Your doctor can help with that and that's what you can do for yourself and others you care about.

[Oliver2011]

I totally agree with Talaniman. Just talk to your doctor because he is the physical health specialist. Just take the first step and let's see where it goes from there.

There was a time many years ago where my life was in a very dark place and I felt a lot like you do. I wasn't dealing with a physical health issue but I wanted the same outcome that you say you want. I finally got tired of living my life from the dark place and decided to live in the moment. It wasn't easy but learning how to live in the moment changed me forever, and that is a very good thing. If you can, surround yourself with positive things and positive people. You mentioned earlier that some of your family is creating distance. That's on them, not you. They don't know how to deal with you and you can't control that. Worry about the things you can control. Trust me man, it's made a huge change in my life.

[joypulv]

And you are wrong about being thrown in a mental hospital. Just go to a mental health clinic on your own and ask for therapy. I change my mind (after threads were merged) about joining a cancer support group for now.

You seem to be suffering from a bad case of fooling yourself. All this 'pushing people away now to save them from grief' isn't remotely working in a way that feels good, is it? In the same breath you are wondering about being 'ostracized!' You are all mixed up. A good therapist will help you sort it out. If you still want to die then, so be it. Dying from cancer doesn't have to be any worse than dying any other way. If it's really bad if it comes back, move somewhere where they have assisted suicide.

[J_9]

I am a cancer survivor and I completely understand where you are coming from. I've been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.

With that said, it is imperative you get some counseling to help you through these feelings of isolation and desperation that you are feeling. You can't overcome this yourself. Oh, don't tell me that you wish this on yourself. As a person once in your situation, I know better. You are just angry and bitter because all of this was put on you. You want it gone. Better yet, you wish you never had this put on your shoulders.

You have your whole life ahead of you, stop wallowing in self pity and get some help so that you can help others who are in your situation.

[Keith2012]

Thank you. I have all the information I need to know I'm doing the right thing. Everything that I have done to push people away I will keep doing it. I know how to get the results I want and the truth is I do not love my family or friends. I do not give a damn about anyone else and I want everybody to stay away from me in my final days. If I have to be a jerk to make that happen then so be it. I have no desire to socialize with people. I have become more of a recluse as time goes on. I know how to cut people out of my life and make it look like it was their idea to write me off.

I'm also going to seek out a second opinion from a doctor about my cancer. I will continue to search until I find a doctor who tells me that my condition is terminal.

[J_9]

Keith2012, if you want to talk. I am here. Funny thing, my maiden name is Keith.

I remember receiving the cancer diagnosis. I was furious at God. How could He do this to me? I have children. My youngest was 4 at the time. How could He do this to my children?

Part of the process of grieving cancer is anger. And that's okay, it's normal and it's natural. There is nothing wrong with being angry.

Yes, people did shy away from me. They didn't know what to say, or how to console me. Truth be known, I didn't want to be consoled. I wanted to be angry. And, you can ask my family, I WAS angry.

Now, 16 years later, I am using my experience to help others. I have gone back to school and am now a Registered Nurse. Through my experience I have learned that you can turn a negative into a positive. My life has never been better.

What kind of cancer were you diagnosed with? How long have you been in remission?

Talk to me. I'm here for you.

[Keith2012]

The only reason I did chemotherapy and radiation was because I thought it would help speed up the progression of the cancer.