[David057]

I am going to be as brief as possible while still including all pertinent details. I am at defcon 5 at this point due to the fact that 2 weeks ago at this point I was looking at how much rings cost so I could start saving for the summer.

So, we started ‘dating’ February 22 of last year. Things progressed and kept going that way until May. I went to Vegas and text some things to her in haste bc I didn’t get an answer I wanted/accepted. We ended things then. She went to Vegas the next week and hooked up with a guy she had been seeing prior to me (Pure coincidence that he was going at the same time). Anyway, after Vegas, we reconciled and started up again. Come memorial Day, I found out she hooked up with the guy and she hadn’t told me about it. Needless to say I was very upset as I took it as cheating, but truthfully we weren’t together and she was under the impression we would never be anything. She begged me to be her boyfriend.

We started out tumultuously as one would think. I had a bit of a trust/jealousy issue that was due to the Vegas situation and we would get into heated arguments often. Both of us questioning if it was worth it, but ultimately we both knew it was going to be hard to get htrough it but it in fact, was. I went to therapy for my issues as did she. I became a better man in the sense of jealousy, lashing out verbally, and overall the way that I communicated with her.

We love each other, began entrenching our lives with each others families. She would say that seeing me with my nieces/nephews is equivalent to ‘female ****’ and it melts her heart. She knows how great of a father/husband I will be and says I make her feel more loved than anyone in her life.

Fast Forward to December, I had to study for a financial exam, 2 weeks of nonstop studying and I passed thankfully. She claims afterward that she felt I abandoned her through that time, even though I reached out to her daily and even went 30 miles away one night to give her a massage/help with her computer for work taking 4 hours out of critical study time.

We had a great Christmas, everything was amazing. I went to her families house for Christmas Eve, we were so happy. Two days prior to NYE she said we need to talk and said she didn’t know what my passions were and what my hobbies were outside of her and that it was over. Granted, I spent a lot of time working on ‘us’ and not so much for myself, but I was an all-american athlete and have a lot of great friends. This was completely unexpected. We didn’t spend new years together and I still don’t know where/what she did.

We spoke this Monday in person and I got more or less the same, “that I need to grow as an individual and not do things for her, but for me”.

She also said she wished my stance on ‘if you breakup with me there is no chance for reconciliation’ was not the case. Because she may realize what a mistake she had made come 2 weeks, a month, etc. So I told her later that night that I would leave the door open and not slam it because of how I feel about her, but would continue my life as if we are broken up.

Also keep in mind that her older sister just got engaged in October and is now searching for wedding dresses with her, etc.

My friends tell me not to say anything to her at all and NOT contact her. I have not, but they also say I will be hearing from her first. Does anyone have ANY insight? I am crawling around my head and have no idea what to expect. This is devastating for me.

[Oliver2011]

Things can be difficult in a relationship when you start with all that drama. Really, what is the drama for? Relationships without drama are so much more worth it. Props for getting counseling and improving though.

Breakups can be devastating but we have all survived them. You need to approach this as if she is done forever. I agree with your friends - no contact. Yes it is difficult but it is the best thing for you. Learn from this and move on. In your next relationship try to keep your activities and friends. You don't have to spend all your time with your partner. When my partner and I got together, we kept the same activities we always did. That makes the time together that much more special. Get busy with friends, with sports, go for a run, so that you keep your mind active and the pain will lessen.

[David057]

Oliver, thank you so much for your words.

So, you seem to think that it IS in fact over? With no chance of her reaching out etc?

For some reason she has still left our relationship status up on fb and I am hesitant to take it off myself for fear that she will call it 'dramatic' or even get pissed and call it immature, ending all future chances.

By the way, I am 28 and she is 26, we aren't right out of college and this isn't our first relationship. But this breakup hurts a lot because of all the work I did. Also that I was 'in love' in the past, but this is REAL love. It just sucks

[Oliver2011]

"So, you seem to think that it IS in fact over?" - I can't know that. I've not heard her side of things. What I do know is that you contacting her will not allow you to move your life forward.

"But this breakup hurts a lot" - I got that and really most breakups hurt. It is a huge change in what we thought was a stable life. I don't like to admit it but I would be really down if my partner left me. Now there's probably no chance of that happening but I know I have the skills to move my life forward if that were to happen. And that is the point you need to get to. Getting out with friends and doing stuff will help keep you from dwelling on it nonstop. Trust me, it does work.

Oliver, thank you so much for your words.

So, you seem to think that it IS in fact over? With no chance of her reaching out etc?

For some reason she has still left our relationship status up on fb and I am hesitant to take it off myself for fear that she will call it 'dramatic' or even get pissed and call it immature, ending all future chances.

By the way, I am 28 and she is 26, we aren't right out of college and this isn't our first relationship. But this breakup hurts a lot because of all the work I did. Also that I was 'in love' in the past, but this is REAL love. It just sucks

[joypulv]

I got a chilly feeling right from the start, when you said 'I went to Vegas and text some things to her in haste bc I didn't get an answer I wanted/accepted. We ended things then.'

This is to my female mind so classic male. YOU went away. YOU 'didn't get something you wanted.' Or worse, 'accepted.' So you trashed her long distance and the relationship was over. Funny how vague all that was, but you describe other things in detail. I have a feeling that the way you saw things then isn't much different from the way you see things in general.
I think you have some serious problems about expectations.

As for contact, of course you leave her alone. When ANYONE breaks off with ANYONE, they call the shots about contact.

[David057]

I believe that HAD would be the correct term there considering it was in the past. And if you continued to read that I have been in therapy working on those issues, and they are completely gone at this point, would show you that I am not 'classic male'

I am sorry that you carry such angst towards my reaction as it was immature and stupid. Yet, I have rectified that and we worked past that.

I also apologize if any of this comes across as being brash, but the fact that you took one thing away from my entire story is quite upsetting to me. You shouldn't have commented if you had nothing of substance that could give me any advice or help.

[smearcase]

It's all right in the title of your question:
"My GF dumped my right before NYE and I can't tell why or what is going on HELP! "

Not to be unkind but what part of dumped don't you understand?
Also- this is pretty tough for me to buy into: "She went to Vegas the next week and hooked up with a guy she had been seeing prior to me (Pure coincidence that he was going at the same time). "
The only odds I can guess at for that would be maybe 1 in 52 (weeks of the year guess), but I think the actual odds are much, much higher.

We had a question a few days ago that had some similarities but that guy was totally refusing to accept any logic. I think that you are much better off than he. I would attach that question but I don't think it would be useful for you to try and grasp all that. But you (like he was) are looking for little clues in remote places to convince yourself that you should hope for a rebound.
Maybe she will contact you when she gets tired of the other guy. Is that really what you want?
I suggested to the other person with the similar question that he wake up and smell the coffee. I think that you are much more awake than he was, but you need a little more caffeine.
But like he, you have already allowed it to interfere with your studies. Don't do that. Find someone who respects you more. Best wishes.

[talaniman]

Hello again David. You have been through enough relationships endings to know that dawdling just keeps you stuck, and a nice clean break while leaving her alone so you get your head clear and free of those negative feelings is your best shot.

Doesn't matter how many times you get dumped, but the being able to accept, heal, and move beyond it is what counts.

[joypulv]

Oh I took away a lot more than 1 thing. I see someone who hasn't rectified all the issues you had. Therapy doesn't wipe the behavioral slate clean. I see her reasons for breaking up as very much in line with all that happened early on, but she's trying to be nice about it. She cares about you deeply. But 'she doesn't know what your passions are' outside of her is a delicate way of saying that you are still suffering from problems of control, demands, and intensity of the scary kind.
Hey, good luck. You can be mad at me. I am sorry for saying you are a classic male.