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terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 12:05 PM

My boyfriend went to las Vegas with his pool team to play in a tournament for a week. I was afraid of him cheating and he said he would not. He has cheated in the past... three years ago.

We fought a little while he was out there because of this and because I was home with our newborn son. He came home and I told him I would be looking at his phone later and that he should erase stuff he might think would make me upset.

Later I looked and he had a message to one of the younger guys on his pool team that said "I hooked up with this chic Lol I'm in the most ghetto place ever". I asked him about this and he said he didn't do anything and would not explain it. He eventually explained that it was just a joke to his buddy because they were looking for him and h thought it would be funny. Mind you his whole team has met me and his newborn so I don't know how funny this would be to them.

Anyway bottom line is he claimed he was just messing around and that it was a joke and he didn't hook up and forgot the text was even on his phone. Any opinions? Did he or didn't he?

talaniman · Sep 4, 2013, 02:23 PM

I doubt he cheated because if he really did he would have gotten rid of anything that may have upset you long before he got back, but certainly after you warned him.

Nobody can know the truth, but you have certainly got yourself into a lather over the unknown.

Jake2008 · Sep 4, 2013, 04:26 PM

You haven't yet trusted him fully from him cheating on you, three years ago. The suspicious nature of your relationship with him, will eventually kill trust entirely.

What does he have to do to be trusted. If he cheats he's guilty, if he doesn't cheat, he's guilty. What do you expect him to do.

I know I would be very weary of never being trusted no matter what I do, because anything is suspect.

If you can't trust him, let him go, and believe he is untrustworthy as the reason. If you think you can learn to let past actions stay in the past, and learn to trust him, get into counseling, preferably with him, and get the help you need to decide whether trust will ever happen.

If you don't have trust, you have nothing.

Alty · Sep 4, 2013, 04:35 PM

Sounds like a joke many of my male friends would play. Guy friend texts you asking where you are, and you reply "I hooked up with this chick, I'm in the ghetto".

Frankly, I don't think he cheated, and his reason for the text makes sense to me. But then, I'm not the one that doesn't trust him, you are.

If you can't trust him, why are you with him?

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:03 PM

How old are you? Just wondering because when you have a newborn child at home that joke isn't very funny. That's part of the reason why I'm still with him because I have a new born with him and I love him. And I told him the trust is very important in a relationship so therefore the jokes shouldn't be made if he wants me to trust him again. And I guess I also still forget the guys have a weird sense of humor. I want the trust back because he's my best friends and I hate the tension. But he doesn't make it easy.

I know. The unknown is the worst thing!

Alty · Sep 4, 2013, 05:08 PM

Originally Posted by terry1976

How old are you? Just wondering because when you have a newborn child at home that joke isn't very funny. that's part of the reason why I'm still with him because I have a new born with him and I love him. and I told him the trust is very important in a relationship so therefore the jokes shouldn't be made if he wants me to trust him again. and I guess I also still forget the guys have a weird sense of humor. I want the trust back because he's my bff and I hate the tension. But he doesn't make it easy.

I'm 42, I'm married, and I have two kids, both were newborns once.

The joke wasn't made to you, it was made to his friend. If you trusted him, and didn't look in his phone, you wouldn't have seen that text.

You want the trust back, but you look in his phone, worry that he'll cheat. Did he betray your trust when he cheated the first time? Yes. But you either forgive him and move on, or you leave. If you can't trust him, then you haven't forgiven him and this relationship is going nowhere.

You said you want the trust back. Well only you can give back that trust.

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:15 PM

I feel like the trust is almost all gone as it is. We go to counceling together and the Dr. Tells him he needs to earn my trust back and that it takes a long time for me to trust again. I have even said I would leave and he gets angry because we have this whole life together. How do I leave if he won't let me?? And he knows that me being unhappy because I am having a hard time trusting him is making the whole relationship crappy. Im only trying to do what's best. If it's a miserable relationship then why doesn't he let ME go?

Posted by Alty;
I'm 42, I'm married, and I have two kids, both were newborns once.

The joke wasn't made to you, it was made to his friend. If you trusted him, and didn't look in his phone, you wouldn't have seen that text.

You want the trust back, but you look in his phone, worry that he'll cheat. Did he betray your trust when he cheated the first time? Yes. But you either forgive him and move on, or you leave. If you can't trust him, then you haven't forgiven him and this relationship is going nowhere.

You said you want the trust back. Well only you can give back that trust.

Our councilor says he needs to earn my trust and that it takes a long time. And I told him I was going to look in his phone. I know I need to forgive and learn to trust again but he has to earn it too and that joke was gross in my opinion... I don't think he would have liked it if the rolls where reversed. I asked how old u are because the nature of the joke to me was high school not adult

Alty · Sep 4, 2013, 05:26 PM

our councilor says he needs to earn my trust and that it takes a long time. And I told him I was going to look in his phone. I know I need to forgive and learn to trust again but he has to earn it too and that joke was gross in my opinion... I don't think he would have liked it if the rolls where reversed. I asked how old u are because the nature of the joke to me was high school not adult

Yes, it can take time to earn back someone's trust, but the person that lost the trust shouldn't have to jump through hoops to earn it back. It sounds like he has to walk on egg shells around you.

You didn't like the joke, we get it. But the joke wasn't for you, it was for his buddy. If you don't like his sense of humor, and don't appreciate the jokes he texts to his friends, stop looking in his phone. Does the counselor know that you invade his privacy? That he has to allow you to do this in order to gain back your trust?

I've been married 18 years. My husband has a very warped sense of humor. Luckily I'm old enough, and mature enough, to know that when he gets together with his friends, they will act like a bunch of idiots. Then again, I trust my husband, I don't invade his privacy, and he doesn't invade mine. That's what a relationship is about.

Frankly, from your posts, I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again, you won't allow yourself to.

odinn7 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:30 PM

Bottom line... you say you want the trust back but you are unable to trust him by what you say. So, how do you get it back? This is your problem to deal with... your trust issues. What would he have to do to make you have trust again? This has been 3 years now and you still don't trust him so how much longer until you do? I am going to say that if you still feel you can't trust him after 3 years, you will never be able to find that trust again.

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:49 PM

Originally Posted by odinn7

Bottom line....you say you want the trust back but you are unable to trust him by what you say. So, how do you get it back? This is your problem to deal with....your trust issues. What would he have to do to make you have trust again? This has been 3 years now and you still don't trust him so how much longer until you do? I am going to say that if you still feel you can't trust him after 3 years, you will never be able to find that trust again.

Maybe you're right maybe I never will be able to trust again so what am I supposed to do? He gets angry if I talk about leaving. And I honestly don't want to know what's going to happen if I do. So I'm trying to figure out how to trust again I don't know hoW

odinn7 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:53 PM

I can understand why you lost the trust but at the same time, I'm not there so I don't know if there are still reasons for you not to trust him. All I can go on is that 3 years is a long time and if you're not over it now, you probably won't be. This can't be healthy for you or the relationship.

As far as what do you do? I can't really answer that for you other than to say that without trust, you don't really have anything.

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:54 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

Yes, it can take time to earn back someone's trust, but the person that lost the trust shouldn't have to jump through hoops to earn it back. It sounds like he has to walk on egg shells around you.

You didn't like the joke, we get it. But the joke wasn't for you, it was for his buddy. If you don't like his sense of humor, and don't appreciate the jokes he texts to his friends, stop looking in his phone. Does the counselor know that you invade his privacy? That he has to allow you to do this in order to gain back your trust?

I've been married 18 years. My husband has a very warped sense of humor. Luckily I'm old enough, and mature enough, to know that when he gets together with his friends, they will act like a bunch of idiots. Then again, I trust my husband, I don't invade his privacy, and he doesn't invade mine. That's what a relationship is about.

Frankly, from your posts, I don't think you'll ever be able to trust him again, you won't allow yourself to.

Yes the counselor knows that I look in his phone and obviously its not a good thing. I don't know maybe I'm just the type of person that if you break my trust you don't get it back. Yeah I stayed that was my choice and now we have a son so what am I supposed to do. He broke my heart doesn't seem to think before he does stuff and he needs to work at getting my trust back. I don't necessarily think he needs to jump through hoops I don't know if that's what I'm making him DO. I think you're right I think that it hurts when I have someone break my trust in now I'm not allowing myself to trust him because I don't want to feel that hurt anymore or ever again

Originally Posted by odinn7

I can understand why you lost the trust but at the same time, I'm not there so I don't know if there are still reasons for you not to trust him. All I can go on is that 3 years is a long time and if you're not over it now, you probably won't be. This can't be healthy for you or the relationship.

As far as what do you do? I can't really answer that for you other than to say that without trust, you don't really have anything.

I agree Trust is very important in a relationship. And I can explain why I can't get it back. Maybe he can't be trusted and my body knows that. I don't know. And no the relationship is not healthy. I am miserable and sad all the time. I know he's not miserable and sad all the time but I also know he's not exactly happy.

talaniman · Sep 4, 2013, 05:58 PM

Start with thinking long and hard before you act or speak, stop threatening to leave, and above all stop making everything about is "he cheating".

3 years is a long time to hold onto bad feelings. There is something else going on here I feel. Is this your first child?

Homegirl 50 · Sep 4, 2013, 05:59 PM

I think because you have just had a baby your emotions are a mess. Give yourself some time. If you really want to leave him you will, no matter how angry he gets.

talaniman · Sep 4, 2013, 06:04 PM

What can he do to earn your trust back, and if you won't accept it, what's the point? Does punishing him forever sound like a winning plan?

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 06:04 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Start with thinking long and hard before you act or speak, stop threatening to leave, and above all stop making everything about is "he cheating".

3 years is a long time to hold onto bad feelings. There is something else going on here I feel. Is this your first child?

Yes this is my first child he's beautiful

Originally Posted by talaniman

What can he do to earn your trust back, and if you won't accept it, what's the point? Does punishing him forever sound like a winning plan?

No I don't feel like Punishing him forever is going to work I also I'm not consciously punishing him

Alty · Sep 4, 2013, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by terry1976

no I don't feel like Punishing him forever is going to work I also I'm not consciously punishing him

But that's what you're doing, and by doing it you're also punishing yourself, and your child.

Right now the two of you don't have a relationship, you have a man that betrayed your trust, and yet stayed with you for 3 years after, and fathered your child. You have a very messed up relationship built on I don't know what, and now there's a child in the mix which makes it even harder to leave.

You are punishing him. You're also punishing yourself.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. I've been married for 18 years. I love my husband with all of my heart, we have two beautiful children together. If he ever cheated on me it would be over. But I know that. I wouldn't even try to fix it because I know in my heart that I'd never ever be able to trust him again, and I'd never be able to forgive him.

You either want to forgive him, and can't. Or you're with him and doing what you're doing, to punish him for cheating on you 3 years ago. Maybe not intentionally, in fact I doubt it's intentional, but based on what you've written, that's what it sounds like.

This isn't love, it's jail, and you're both serving the sentence.

talaniman · Sep 4, 2013, 07:06 PM

What can he do to earn your trust back?

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 07:16 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

But that's what you're doing, and by doing it you're also punishing yourself, and your child.

Right now the two of you don't have a relationship, you have a man that betrayed your trust, and yet stayed with you for 3 years after, and fathered your child. You have a very messed up relationship built on I don't know what, and now there's a child in the mix which makes it even harder to leave.

You are punishing him. You're also punishing yourself.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. I've been married for 18 years. I love my husband with all of my heart, we have two beautiful children together. If he ever cheated on me it would be over. But I know that. I wouldn't even try to fix it because I know in my heart that I'd never ever be able to trust him again, and I'd never be able to forgive him.

You either want to forgive him, and can't. Or you're with him and doing what you're doing, to punish him for cheating on you 3 years ago. Maybe not intentionally, in fact I doubt it's intentional, but based on what you've written, that's what it sounds like.

This isn't love, it's jail, and you're both serving the sentence.

I'm definitely not with him to punish him I stayed with them to fix it. I wouldn't have stayed with him for three years just to punish him that's silly. Not really the type to want revenge like that and then yes the child came and now its more involved and I want to fix it even more. And I do want to forgive him and I'm just trying to figure out how to do it

terry1976 · Sep 4, 2013, 07:18 PM

Originally Posted by Alty

But that's what you're doing, and by doing it you're also punishing yourself, and your child.

Right now the two of you don't have a relationship, you have a man that betrayed your trust, and yet stayed with you for 3 years after, and fathered your child. You have a very messed up relationship built on I don't know what, and now there's a child in the mix which makes it even harder to leave.

You are punishing him. You're also punishing yourself.

I understand where you're coming from, I really do. I've been married for 18 years. I love my husband with all of my heart, we have two beautiful children together. If he ever cheated on me it would be over. But I know that. I wouldn't even try to fix it because I know in my heart that I'd never ever be able to trust him again, and I'd never be able to forgive him.

You either want to forgive him, and can't. Or you're with him and doing what you're doing, to punish him for cheating on you 3 years ago. Maybe not intentionally, in fact I doubt it's intentional, but based on what you've written, that's what it sounds like.

This isn't love, it's jail, and you're both serving the sentence.

And I do agree it feels more like a prison in a relationship and that's pretty sad and I want my son to be happy too. I don't want this to affect my son and that's why I had told him I would leave but he gets angry when I say that and I don't want it to be worse because I leave and can't forgive him I don't want to live this life like I'm not going to forgive him ever and I don't know what to do I don't know how to forgive him or move on