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emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 07:11 AM

Hi, I'm 31 year-old guy, and I need your advice on what follows:

Three months ago, I started chatting with a guy, 8 years my senior, I met online. Given that he was abroad, we couldn't meet up, and from the beginning. In fact, I was reluctant to waste my time talking to someone online so many times. On the other hand, I told him that I wouldn't promise him anything online, and that I wanted us to meet up first and take it from there.

To cut a long story short, 3 weeks ago he told me he would return to my city (we have same nationality) at the outset of May. To make matters worse, 3-4 weeks ago I had contacted with another guy on the site, who told me that he had contacted with my [potential date], who had told the former about his love for me. I felt bad about [potential date] confiding the other guy with such information, and I said that I was interested only in real people, not just endless online chatting. Yet, I didn't ask my [potential date] to face the music.

Now, he hasn't been online since April 27, with the aim of bypassing contact with me, I guess, after having learned [this is another guess] from the other guy that I had reacted like that toward him. I wrote him on May 2, but message unread, and then this morning I sent him another message where I asked him --once he reads it -- to meet up, in order to give our long online chatting a real chance and not let the other guy profit from all this.

Do you think I did right or wrong in sending him these 2 messages? I'd really like to meet him face to face, but maybe he will never contact me. Now what can I do because I feel extremely bad?

Thanks a lot...

Homegirl 50 · May 7, 2013, 07:30 AM

How did the one guy find out about the other? Leave him alone. If he wants to contact you he will. I'd leave the other guy alone too. Why would he do something like that?

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 07:37 AM

"Now what can i do because i feel extremely bad?" Why do you feel bad? You can't control the way he behaves or the decisions he makes.

Move on and find someone close who you can enjoy a real relationship with. Not all but most relationships that start with drama seem to always have drama.

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

How did the one guy find out about the other? leave him alone. If he wants to contact you he will. I'd leave the other guy alone too. Why would he do something like that?

Hi... Well, I'm not 100% sure that my [potential date] was told about my reaction by the other guy but the fact that he hasn't contacted me during these 10 days -- in fact neither of them have been online on the site over the last 10 days -- makes me believe that he either doesn't want [ for some time or never] to deal with, or the other scenario that my [potential date] decided to meet up the other guy instead.

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 07:48 AM

Originally Posted by emotionalguy

Hi...Well, i'm not 100% sure that my [potential date] was told about my reaction by the other guy but the fact that he hasn't contacted me during these 10 days -- in fact neither of them have been online on the site over the last 10 days -- makes me believe that he either doesn't want [ for some time or never] to deal with, or the other scenario that my [potential date] decided to meet up the other guy instead.

Or they are the same person and you're involved in a sick game.

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 07:50 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

"Now what can i do because i feel extremely bad?" Why do you feel bad? You can't control the way he behaves or the decisions he makes.

Move on and find someone close who you can enjoy a real relationship with. Not all but most relationships that start with drama seem to always have drama.

Thanks... In fact he had told me in the beginning that he's too jealous, and it was me twice who saved the conversation, while him preferring to back off for even a small misunderstanding...
I feel I was too flexible and way too tolerant with him now!

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Or they are the same person and you're involved in a sick game.

Well, I'm not sure... One was 38, the other 39... based on the info on their profiles.

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 07:53 AM

Originally Posted by emotionalguy

Thanks... In fact he had told me in the beginning that he's too jealous, and it was me twice who saved the conversation, while him preferring to back off for even a small misunderstanding....
I feel i was too flexible and way too tolerant with him now!!

"In fact he had told me in the beginning that he's too jealous" Ewww. Too many gay relationships start with too much drama. Meet a nice guy, take it slow, get to know him, and then see where it goes. If there are any warning signs, trust me it is not worth it. I dated my partner for almost 2.5 years before we became exclusive. And it was well worth it.

Anyone can make a profile.

joypulv · May 7, 2013, 07:59 AM

You goofed. You told one guy about the other. Be angry at the one who told the other he is in love with you? Maybe, but it was your fault for gossiping.
Be angry at the other man for bowing out so easily? Maybe, but you were non-committal anyway until you met in person.
Let it go. Let both go. Writing more than twice is annoyance bordering on harassment.

Oliver wonders if they are the same person? Good theory.

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

You goofed. You told one guy about the other. Be angry at the one who told the other he is in love with you? Maybe, but it was your fault for gossiping.
Be angry at the other man for bowing out so easily? Maybe, but you were non-committal anyway til you met in person.
Let it go. Let both go. Writing more than twice is annoyance bordering on harassment.

Oliver wonders if they are the same person? Good theory.

No, I didn't gossip... I just wrote [my potential date] this morning that he shouldn't pay attention to what the other guy had said to me before... And I didn't mention the guy's name.. (I said "a guy, being about your age...." )

Now do you mean I shouldn't have mentioned this morning to my [potential date] the incident with the other guy at all..?

One more thing... for sure, I don't intend to write him a third time..

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 10:25 AM

Originally Posted by emotionalguy

One more thing...for sure, i don't intend to write him a third time...!

You need to just move on and enjoy a real relationship. Aren't there gay people in your area? I am guessing there are. Is it hard for you to meet them?

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

You need to just move on and enjoy a real relationship. Aren't there gay people in your area? I am guessing there are. Is it hard for you to meet them?

Well, there are, for sure... In fact, before chatting for too long with this guy, I had never thought about having a relationship with a male, but possibly find an open-minded bi girl... [This because I'm not exclusively gay though I feel more aroused and relaxed with a male.]

Anyway, I forgot to say that with this guy I also talked on the phone twice... I feel hurt because I wasted my time with him. On the other hand, he wasn't supposed to mention my name to someone else... Furthermore, I was too tolerant of him about that.

He made me believe somehow that it's only me the one to blame for everything, and just disappeared...

It's not that I'm dying for him but I feel used somehow.

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 10:56 AM

You really didn't have a ton of time invested and it wasn't like you have ever formally met him either. Sooooooooo, learn from this and get into a real relationship now. A lot of gay guys are game players. Trust me, I've been through it as well. In the end you will be much happier in a good relationship.

Homegirl 50 · May 7, 2013, 11:23 AM

I wondered if they were the same person too. He may have been checking to see if you would talk to someone else.
I would not worry about either of them. That is too much drama.

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I wondered if they were the same person too. He may have been checking to see if you would talk to someone else.
I would not worry about either of them. That is too much drama.

Amen!

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 11:46 AM

That could be possible... In fact, it was me that I wrote first to the other guy, saying that I would like to get to know him... [this because I was tired of waiting for my (potential date),to whom I had told before that I would see other guys, until our face to face meeting.]
Then the other guy replied telling me about my [potential partner].

There is something I don't understand here: After I told the other guy how I felt about [my potential date's lack of discretion], the communication with my [potential partner] didn't stop the following day... Was he told later about me, like 1 or 2 weeks later?

By the end, for 1 week [my potential date] didn't bother to write me --which is so strange considering the fact that he used to do that many times a day -- pretending to have been too busy and offline, though I discovered in the system that he had actually logged on...

Oliver2011 · May 7, 2013, 11:50 AM

Me thinks you are too concerned about this issue. Again you didn't have a ton of time invested. Find a great relationship with a guy that doesn't play games. Trust me it is wonderful to be in a great relationship. Find that person for you.

joypulv · May 7, 2013, 12:08 PM

'Was he told later about me, like 1 or 2 weeks later? '

HOW WOULD WE KNOW. There are some smart, insightful, been-there people here, but no one is a psychic, and speculation this intense gets tiresome.

I'm going with the idea that both men are the same person. It all fits. This trip home might have been mostly to see you, and checking up on you makes sense. AND it's not uncommon at all. We hear variations on it on this site a lot.

talaniman · May 7, 2013, 01:28 PM

I have to be honest you are already spending a lot more time than you need to on a failed internet hook up.

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 10:48 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I have to be honest you are already spending a lot more time than you need to on a failed internet hook up.

You're right, thanks... I couldn't abide by your motto below:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs."

emotionalguy · May 7, 2013, 11:21 PM

Originally Posted by joypulv

'Was he told later about me, like 1 or 2 weeks later??'

HOW WOULD WE KNOW. There are some smart, insightful, been-there people here, but no one is a psychic, and speculation this intense gets tiresome.

I'm going with the idea that both men are the same person. It all fits. This trip home might have been mostly to see you, and checking up on you makes sense. AND it's not uncommon at all. We hear variations on it on this site a lot.

Ok, but there are 2 things I'd like to stress here:

1. The other guy's profile had been visited so many times, and it's unlikely that it is the one created recently by my [potential date]. Anyway, it can't be ruled out the possibility of him changing the name of one of his 2 profiles, to act the role of the other guy. My [potential date] used to have 2 profiles while he was chatting me, but one of them was deleted/name-changed by him, but I didn't bother to ask him about that. Also, he called me twice from a foreign number...

2. It was me who wrote the other guy, not vice versa...