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aidansauntie · Mar 26, 2013, 06:09 AM

My sister in MA is going through hell. Her boyfriend died at 47 in February. His 17 year old son was asked and wants to stay with her. His mom passed away 7 years ago. The problem is the ashes. My sister and his son have the ashes. She has custody of the son now. The brothers and sisters are relentless in calling and bothering her for part of the ashes to bury. She spoke to the 17 year old and he wants to keep them inact where they are, at her house displayed with his picture and things.

Do the siblings have any rights as he is only 17 years old? He's still a junior in HS and they say he's too immature to make that decision.

ebaines · Mar 26, 2013, 06:20 AM

Please clarify - the siblings you are referring to are the dead BF's siblings, right?

Did the deceased have a will, and did the will specify in any way what his wishes were for disposal of his remains? Or is there any other document that would help in this?

If there is no will, then please tell us what state the man lived in, as laws vary regarding what happens when someone dies intestate.

Finally I would offer some persobnal advice - something for your sister and the son to consider: it's my opinion that keeping the ashes on a mantle piece is not such a good idea for the long term. Things happen - things get knocked over, people move and put things in storage then forget about them, etc. I think they should think about what they would want in the long term - do they expect that 20 years from now the ashes will still be on the mantle piece? When the boy grows up and gets married, does he think he'll take the ashes with him to his new home? I understand the emotional tie here, but I really would ask that the son reconsider and talk with his uncles and aunts about a proper place to dispose of the ashes in a dignified way.

joypulv · Mar 26, 2013, 06:40 AM

ebaines, the state is MA, assuming the girlfriend didn't move.

I would personally consider it selfish of any immediate family to hog the ashes. We siblings split our parents into more-or-less equal portions. Who lives with whom is irrelevant. Why should a sibling be less family than a son and a girlfriend?

ebaines · Mar 26, 2013, 08:15 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

ebaines, the state is MA, assuming the girlfriend didn't move.

Ah yes, I should have seen that. In MA if a person dies intestate and has one child that child inherits all assets; siblings do not inherit. But we still don't know from the OP whether the BF had a will or not.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 26, 2013, 08:57 AM

At 17, the child's guardian would have control, but yes legally it is the child's rights

aidansauntie · Mar 26, 2013, 05:15 PM

He had no will. My sister has custody of the 17 year old. As of right now, the ashes actually in a glass cabinet They don't plan on keeping them there indefinitely. One of the sister's didn't even acknowledge him the last time they saw each other. They are all very greedy. One brother of the desceased spent a dozen or so years incarcerated, he's only been out for a year or two. She is at the point where she's afraid someone will break into the home.

AK lawyer · Mar 26, 2013, 05:28 PM

Give them a box of ashes. Ashes are ashes, after all.

ebaines · Mar 27, 2013, 05:31 AM

Originally Posted by AK lawyer

Give them a box of ashes. Ashes are ashes, after all.

I agree. There's no reason to not share.

smoothy · Mar 27, 2013, 05:56 AM

Originally Posted by ebaines

I agree. There's no reason to not share.

Just make sure you take out and lumps of unburned charcoal before you give them their "Share"...

Who's going to poke around in them anyway. THe son gets dad... and the other people think they got a part of him too... only one person knows the truth and as long as they keep it to themselves... I doubt the others would ever know.

joypulv · Mar 27, 2013, 06:52 AM

I've never been convinced that all cremations are done individually. We've all heard the horror stories of woods behind crematoriums filled with stacks of corpses. How does he know that's really his dad?
It costs a lot to cremate, intense heat for a long time. Plus, where I live anyway, the corpse has to be burned in a plain box, wood or 'alternative container.'
Few people look at the ashes, and if they did, they would see a lot of bone shards. They see one tiny shard and they shut the lid.
Your son can figure that when he dies, there's an almost zero chance that his descendants will want the ashes.
Hopefully when he dies he can state in his will that they be buried with him, in a green burial. Right now green burials are expensive and there aren't many places for them. But they are the solution to both embalming and caskets, and the pollution of cremation.
And finally - the ashes are not the man. Let the siblings who were thoughtless and uncaring in life have their shallow appeasement of guilt. Give them a token amount in the smallest baggie you can buy.

aidansauntie · Mar 27, 2013, 04:15 PM

I like your idea! Never thought of that. That would shut them all up and life would go on as usual, and my sister wouldn't feel like she has to watch her back all the time.

Alty · Mar 27, 2013, 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by aidansauntie

I like your idea! Never thought of that. That would shut them all up and life would go on as usual, and my sister wouldn't feel like she has to watch her back all the time.

Exactly.

Both my parents are deceased, and they were cremated. I have their remains in my home. The urn they're both in is sealed, I've never seen the ashes, and even if I did, there's no way to confirm it's them.

Send ashes to them. They'll think they're getting what they want, you'll know the truth, and everyone will be happy.