[marq123]

I have to completely disagree with you though. It IS disrespectful for the majority of relationships (not including yours) for their significant other to be checking someone else out in front of them. Being clingy has nothing to do with that. Nobody likes a clingy person. It is just plain annoying and at least for me just pushes me away.

I would bet on it that if there was a vote taken by FEMALES, asking the question if they like the idea of their man checking out other women in front of them then the majority would say no. I am not saying that this is a reason to freak out or anything, I am only saying that it is disrespectful. For instance, in your relationship with your wife, if she didn't like the idea of you checking other females out or checking them out in front of her and you did it anyway, then that is a lack of respect for your wife. But you know that she is okay with it and visa versa, that is something that you guys share in common.

The OP might be clingy who knows, It is her boyfriends free will choice that he is with her and if she doesn't like the fact that he is checking other females out in front of her then he should respect that. What is the point in checking out someone else if you already have what you want right in front of you.

That is great that you and your wife have that type of relationship where you both feel comfortable doing that in front of each other. Pointing out people for the other to check out is a maybe a little weird but hey if it works for you guys then the more power to you. However, I don't know any of my married friends or friends that are with someone that like the idea of their significant other checking someone else out in front of them.

[smoothy]

I have to completely disagree with you though. It IS disrespectful for the majority of relationships (not including yours) for their significant other to be checking someone else out in front of them. Being clingy has nothing to do with that. Nobody likes a clingy person. It is just plain annoying and at least for me just pushes me away.

I would bet on it that if there was a vote taken by FEMALES, asking the question if they like the idea of their man checking out other women in front of them then the majority would say no. I am not saying that this is a reason to freak out or anything, I am only saying that it is disrespectful. For instance, in your relationship with your wife, if she didn't like the idea of you checking other females out or checking them out in front of her and you did it anyway, then that is a lack of respect for your wife. But you know that she is okay with it and visa versa, that is something that you guys share in common.

The OP might be clingy who knows, It is her boyfriends free will choice that he is with her and if she doesn't like the fact that he is checking other females out in front of her then he should respect that. What is the point in checking out someone else if you already have what you want right in front of you.

That is great that you and your wife have that type of relationship where you both feel comfortable doing that in front of each other. Pointing out people for the other to check out is a maybe a little weird but hey if it works for you guys then the more power to you. However, I don't know any of my married friends or friends that are with someone that like the idea of their significant other checking someone else out in front of them.

Don't know what society you are from.. or what age you are... But one adult isn't entitled to dictate to another adult so they don't have to address their own insecurities.in the one I'm from.

OH the very young think they can... and the only people that hang around for long are losers that can't do better. Reality usually sinks in by their 30's when they are still alone and their friends have all gotten married because they learned their lessons years earlier. That nobody likes being told what they can do and how they have to do it.. or when they can do it.


And incidentally... the day women get to take a vote to tell guys what to do... will only happen after guys get to take a vote and tell the women what they are going to do first... we have a name for people like that, they are called control freaks.

Hey, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You don't go making demands of others until you are willing to submit to all of their demands as well. Tell people who they can and can't look at.. what they can and can't read or watch... resentment grows and divorce eventually follows.

Everyone I know that hasn't ended up divorced thinks the same way I do too... the ones who had a paranoid partner (man or woman) ended up divorced.

Go to Italy.. or France... looking at other people is a national pastime. (and I know it is in other countries as well... I just know those two the best)

I'm 51... I've seen a lot of people over a long period... and I've done it in several countries... Looking isn't chasing... looking isn't infidelity, looking isn't cheating, and looking isn't touching.

[marq123]

Don't know what society you are from..or what age you are...But one adult isn't entitled to dictate to another adult so they don't have to address their own inabilities to feel good about themselves in the one I'm from.

OH the very young think they can....and the only people that hang around for long are losers that can't do better. Reality usually sinks in by their 30's when they are still alone and their friends have all gotten married.

And incidentally....the day women get to take a vote to tell guys what to do...will only happen after guys get to take a vote and tell the women what they are going to do first....

Hey, whats good for the goose is good for the gander. You don't go making demands of others until you are willing to submit to all of their demands as well.

I am sorry that this opinion bothers you so much. I am very much grown with 3 children of my own and have friends that live across the entire United States, married and unmarried. For a female to be bothered by their significant other checking out other guys in front of them is not dictating the man what they can or can not do. The man still has free will to do as he pleases. People are free to be as disrespectful as the want. I also know plenty of males that don't like the idea of their woman checking others out either. I don't know where you got the idea that having an opinion and letting another person know what you are not comfortable with is a form of dictation or making a demand. I am sorry but I have to disagree with you. While you might not be wrong within your own marriage, implying that this is okay within all relationships is not factual as I would love to now hear what the psychology professor I know who is a practicing psychologist thinks about all this conversation and all the opinions that you have put out there as well as my own.

[smoothy]

I am sorry that this opinion bothers you so much. I am very much grown with 3 children of my own and have friends that live across the entire United States, married and unmarried. For a female to be bothered by their significant other checking out other guys in front of them is not dictating the man what they can or can not do. The man still has free will to do as he pleases. People are free to be as disrespectful as the want. I also know plenty of males that don't like the idea of their woman checking others out either. People are free to be as disrespectful as the want. I don't know where you got the idea that having an opinion and letting another person know what you are not comfortable with is a form of dictation or making a demand. I am sorry but I have to disagree with you. While you might not be wrong within your own marriage, implying that this is okay within all relationships is not factual as I would love to now hear what the psychology professor I know who is a practicing psychologist thinks about all this conversation and all the opinions that you have put out there as well as my own.

I don't know where you think your opinion is representative of the majority... because its not. Most College professors are teaching in college because they can't get a job in the real world.

Your "friend" also doesn't see a representative cross section of the population because most people don't need to see a psychologist... at any point of their lives. They only see a small portion who can't deal with life to some degree.

[marq123]

I posted that the psychology professor that I know IS a PRACTICING psychologist, meaning he is a professor but also runs his own practice seeing patients. I say that I would love to know what he thinks because a psychologist has a PHD and is trained to deal with issues like this. It would be a professional credible opinion. Nobody is asking you to agree, as it is clear that you are set in your ways and opinion. However, I stand by my opinion as well and I am not saying I represent the majority, I only believe that the majority would agree, that is only my OPINION. We don't have to see eye to eye but please do not try and belittle me or the credibility of professionals. Thank you

[Cat1864]

Thank yuh ..thats exactly how iifeel but more dipresses&lonley..i told my bf but he dosent understand me.. No i dont wana be a stay at home mom.i wana go back to school asap i can't stand being home no mre having no one to talk to&having a bf that dosent wana talk to you. The trusting issue i let it go, im not gonna worry about it no more if he cheats ill just leave but im not gonna look for it. I just tink a call frm him will make my day better ,we had arguments about it so he knows how it makes me fell yet he dont kall..
He ask me if i wana marry him yesterday after a big fight but i really dont know im not happy

Alice, you said that he does talk to you when he is home. Is that correct? He may know how you feel but that doesn't mean he he thinks about it when he is at work. Arguing isn't going solve any issues, you need to have a calm discussion.

From experience, I can tell you that a quick phone call can make being alone feel more lonely. If he did agree to call, you would be sitting by the phone waiting and getting upset because he forgot or couldn't call. Or that is when the baby needs you (Babies have great timing) and you can't talk. It leads to more frustration and increases the downward spiral. Like I said, I have been there.

You need a larger support system than relying one person.

I know you don't trust your friends to babysit, but why not invite them over for company? Talk to them on the phone or over the computer? How well do you know your neighbors?

Keep yourself mentally occupied. When are you planning to go back to school? Have you started planing for that time?

[JudyKayTee]

There is a difference between "beliefs" and "facts." Please don't speak for the majority of women unless you've taken a poll.

Maybe I'm more secure than other women - my significant other isn't dead, he's in a relationship with me. He certainly looks at attractive women. Do I worry about it? No. He doesn't follow them home or lose his train of thought but he appreciates an attractive woman. I appreciate an attractive man.

I also am not a woman who wants/needs a man telling her how attractive she is at every twist and turn. After a while it becomes lip service, nothing more and nothing less.

And I agree with Smoothy - I don't want to own anyone and I don't want anyone to own me. If a person demands this or that out of a relationship (and that includes looking at other women) and doesn't get this or that, move on - for the sake of both of you.

I'm surprised you are in college and think "outa" is a word.

[Homegirl 50]

I see this differently. I think it is rude for a man to overtly flirt with women when he is with his significant other, especially if he ignores or does not compliment her.
I know men look at other women, but I think there is a way to do it and not disrespect who you're with. I find it childish or at least college boy like.
I look at men but I would not ogle when I'm with my man. It's just rude, in my opinion.

[backpack2389]

Agreed. I think there is a big difference between casually checking someone out (which usually implies a lookover that lasts maybe a few seconds) and 'ogling' someone.

I wouldn't care if he sees a woman, gives her a quick look and thinks "man she has a great (insert word)." I would care if he couldn't take his eyes away knowing I was right there or if his attention was so drawn that he stopped carrying on a conversation with me or some similar situation.

Outright staring someone down would probably creep the other person out (because most people don't do it as it is a social taboo) and would, I believe, likely and justifiably offend your partner.

[alice26]

alice, you said that he does talk to you when he is home. Is that correct? He may know how you feel but that doesn't mean he he thinks about it when he is at work. Arguing isn't going solve any issues, you need to have a calm discussion.

From experience, I can tell you that a quick phone call can make being alone feel more lonely. If he did agree to call, you would be sitting by the phone waiting and getting upset because he forgot or couldn't call. Or that is when the baby needs you (Babies have great timing) and you can't talk. It leads to more frustration and increases the downward spiral. Like I said, I have been there.

You need a larger support system than relying one person.

I know you don't trust your friends to babysit, but why not invite them over for company? Talk to them on the phone or over the computer? How well do you know your neighbors?

Keep yourself mentally occupied. When are you planning to go back to school? Have you started planing for that time?

I know arguing doesn't help but sumetimes I can't hold it in&i realize it because teirs no one else to take it out on so I do it to him.so I stop .its not about him calling. Im lonely,I moved out of my hometown so I don't see friend s or fam ,I don't talk to anyone out here or friends also like I did before.
Its kind of far so no one will visit or I can't go visit.when I was pregnant I actually did go visit but it was a long ride on buses&train,that's how board I was.now I have the baby.I can't take her .
No I haven t plan nothing.im just waiting for baby to get bigger&then ill see who can watch her at that time.

Its not disrespectful....he's an adult with free will. If he was chatting them up trying to get a date in front of her...THAT would be disrespectful.

I do it all the time...wife even points out the ones she knows I like if she sees them first....she also checks out guys she likes.....

What WE have however is trust and respect for each other....we both know who we are going home with at the end of the day.

If there is one thing that can become annoying...is someone overly clingy and needing constant reassurance before they will even begin to feel good about themselves.

Like most things.....a little can be good....but too much can be off putting.

That is the first I hear that checking out other people in front of your partner doesn't bother at least a little bit.. that is great for yuh gys, but what really bothers me is that he makes it so obvious&that he does it to my sister,cousins,friends .how can that be okay.. I have stop arguing with him aboutbit but I still feel that's not right.

Hes responds was he can't control himself &that I look for it,I don't its just I tink he's so obvious.

[smoothy]

That is the first i hear that checking out other ppl infront of your partner dosent bother atleast a little bit..that is great for yuh gys, but what really bothers me is that he makes it so obvious&that he does it to my sister,cousins,friends .how can that be okay..i have stop arguing with him aboutbit but i still feel thats not right.

Hes responds was he can't control himself &that i look for it,i dont its just i tink hes so obvious.

My wife actually grabs my arm to point out the women with features she knows I like wherever we might be... and the exact right ones too... she knows me like a the back of her hand.

This is all about actually having self esteem and feeling good about yourself... and face it.. if you don't feel good about yourself... nothing anyone else thinks about you is going to make that any different.

And she knows if I was inclined to sneak off and fool around with someone... I'd do it, and I wouldn't be showing her who I'd be doing it with.

We also trust each other... which apparently isn't important to a lot of people if they are staying with partners they don't trust.

Trust... or more like the lack of it... will always undermine any relationship over time. We've been married 21 years... and together for 25 years... and its always been like this...

Self confidence in a woman is as attractive to a man... as self confidence in a man is to a woman.

Self confidence isn't the same as aggressiveness... they are very different things.. My wife is a very conservative and understated person... who also looks 15 year younger than she is.

[Homegirl 50]

If you have known each other long enough and trust each other have history, you know it is not a problem for either of you, that's one thing, otherwise I find it rude to overtly check out girls in front of your lady, especially if he is not affectionate and pays attention to you. I know a couple who's husband does that all of the time he even flirts and it is annoying. He use to do that with me and I put him in his place.
A person who cares about you will at least do it in a way that is not "in your face" especially if he knows it bothers you. But if he can't help it and that is the way he is and it bothers you perhaps he is not the one for you to begin with. There are guys out there that don't do that.

[smoothy]

If you have known each other long enough and trust each other have history, you know it is not a problem for either of you, that's one thing, otherwise I find it rude to overtly check out girls in front of your lady, especially if he is not affectionate and pays attention to you. I know a couple who's husband does that all of the time he even flirts and it is annoying. He use to do that with me and I put him in his place.
A person who cares about you will at least do it in a way that is not "in your face" especially if he knows it bothers you. But if he can't help it and that is the way he is and it bothers you perhaps he is not the one for you to begin with. There are guys out there that don't do that.

Oh Please... you women do it every day with Soap Operas... and certain TV shows... and most of you do it all the time out in public too... and don't deny it... a female friend of mine pointed that out to me one time many many years ago... and while many try to be coy about it... quite a few are pretty overt about it, I've seen it all along I just didn't pay notice to it before then..

When exactly do you women think its appropriate to own up to your own self esteem issues and stop blaming us guys for them? Seriously... if you can't feel good about yourself... why should anyone else... no... low self esteem is not an attractive attribute in anyone... man or woman.

And quite honestly... there are a LOT of women that share my viewpoint with this. I know this because they were honest about it over the years...

And quite a few of them are only average in looks, and some not even that... but had impressive magnetic personalities... due to themselves confidence and liking how god created them... flaws and all.

Ever wonder why some not so hot women get some nice guys... and how some not so good looking guys get some nice women... thats how... self confidence can make up for a lacking lot of natural good looks.

Looking isn't flirting... looking isn't chasing... looking isn't cheating... looking is human nature.

[Homegirl 50]

Didn't say anything about looking being cheating or flirting. Didn't say looking was wrong.
I said A person who cares about you will at least do it in a way that is not "in your face" especially if he knows it bothers you. But if he can't help it and that is the way he is and it bothers you perhaps he is not the one for you to begin with. There are guys out there that don't do that.

I don't know who "you women" are you're talking about doing this all the time. Not all women flirt all of the time. I'm talking about having the sensitivity to not overtly flirt when they are with a man who is special to them and they know it bothers him. It's about showing some respect and courtesy. If this works for you and your lady, that's great but it does not make everyone else lacking.

[smoothy]

Didn't say anything about looking being cheating or flirting. Didn't say looking was wrong.
I said A person who cares about you will at least do it in a way that is not "in your face" especially if he knows it bothers you. But if he can't help it and that is the way he is and it bothers you perhaps he is not the one for you to begin with. There are guys out there that don't do that.

I don't know who "you women" are you're talking about doing this all the time. Not all women flirt all of the time. I'm talking about having the sensitivity to not overtly flirt when they are with a man who is special to them and they know it bothers him. It's about showing some respect and courtesy. If this works for you and your lady, that's great but it does not make everyone else lacking.

You do grasp the fact there is a HUGE difference between looking at someone and flirting with them... hell, there is a really big difference between talking and flirting.

How you are making that leap in the scope this discussion is beyond me.

And the fact remains... your rights end where the rights of another begin... and nobody has the right to impose their insecurities... on someone else... meaning... if you have a problem... deal with it yourself... you don't have the right to make everyone else jump through hoops so you can continue to avoid facing them.

Besides... this isn't some backwards third world country where under some perverted religious dogma people try to justify killing a woman just for talking to a guy... much less doing anything more.

The "you women" I speak of range from Immigrant single moms working two or three jobs... up to one good friend of ours that has a 9,000 square foot mansion. Yes she's loaded. Lot of range there I think socio-economically.

[Enigma1999]

Personally the men I have dated would look at other women... and guess what? I didn't mind. Why? Because I checked out women with them. I also checked out men.

I'm sorry, but I am human, and I enjoy looking at attractive people.

I am a woman who does not need a man to tell me I am attractive every chance he has. I am also not jealous. At all.

If my significant other checks out women... more power to him... because I an going to continue to check out other men.

[Homegirl 50]

I'm not talking about just looking and neither am I talking about imposing insecurities on someone else. I'm talking about courtesy. If you are with someone and you know they have a problem you either tone it down or you leave them, which is what I told the op to do. If that is the way he is and you don't like it, leave him. If it works for you, fine.

[backpack2389]

Reading the above posts made me think about driving with my boyfriend in the car. He thinks I drive too fast (I like to go about 5 over the limit) and I think he drives too slow (he likes to go 10-15 under). When he's in the car, I go no faster than the limit. I do it simply because it makes him more comfortable and, aside from a few extra minutes in the car, it costs me nothing and makes him much happier.

Have we gotten to the point that even the slightest accommodation, made in an effort to enhance the comfort and happiness of people we supposedly deeply care for, is too much?

[Homegirl 50]

I think we are well on the way unfortunately.

[smoothy]

Funny how certain people think everyone MUST accommodate them, like it's their right... yet if the other person askes for the same... they are called unreasonible.

The world doesn't bend to accommodate you... you have to bend to accommodate the world.

Its always been that way, and it will always be that way... contrary to the way the last couple generations apparently were brought up to believe.

If you have a problem.. then its your problem, not everyone else's. They have their own problems they have to deal with.