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1234whites · Dec 10, 2012, 02:17 PM

We just started going out and I haven't told him I'm 13. I'm scared to. He's been hurt by all of his girlfriends. He says he feels safe with me and that he can let his guard down and not worry♥.

ScottGem · Dec 10, 2012, 02:23 PM

How old does he think you are? Break it off immediately. First you are too young to date. Second a 21 yr old man has no business dating a 13 yr old. If there is any sex, then he could wind up in jail.

It could be he believe you are a lot closely to his age or it could be he knows approximately how old you are and is "grooming" you. The line "feels safe with me and that he can let his guard down " sounds very much like what a pedophile would say to groom his victim.

He WILL find out. What happens when he wants to take you to a bar and they ask for ID?

This is not a healthy relationship and needs to be ended before it goes too far.

aliseaodo · Dec 10, 2012, 02:28 PM

What you're doing could ruin his life. He could be sent to jail and labeled a sexual predator for the rest of his life. Stop seeing him.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 10, 2012, 02:28 PM

Girl if you have to ask if it is legal you are way too young to be dating.
At his age he either knows you are underage and is a creep or he is dense. Either way, he could end up in jail, especially of your parents found out and pressed charges.
Leave this man alone.

1234whites · Dec 10, 2012, 02:30 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Break it off immediately. First in anyou are too young to date. Second a 21 yr old man has no business dating a 13 yr old. If there is any sex, then he could wind up in jail.

He WILL find out. What happens when he wants to take you to a bar and they ask for ID?

This is not a healthy relationship and needs to be ended before it
goes too far.

Reply: He doesn't want sex at all. He doesn't want to do anything sexual. He can't drive at the moment, he's been suicidal and the court system thinks he can't be a functional citizen. But he's been keeping it together..

dontknownuthin · Dec 10, 2012, 02:34 PM

When you cannot be honest about your age it's because you KNOW you are way too young to date, and when you are old enough - say 3 or 4 years from now - you will only be old enough to date boys your own age - other teenage KIDS, not grown men.

I agree with Scott. This guy has to know that you aren't over 18 - even if you act and look mature, you cannot look 50% older than you are. I believe his comments are exactly what grown men say to young girls to groom them for sexual abuse - pedophilia. It is not usually a physical attack - it is an emotional manipulation where he says all the right things to make you feel that you are "very mature for your age" and "have the body and soul of a grow woman" and he will tell you things like "age doesn't matter when people are in love". He will act like he "needs you" because you are the "only one who understands" him or are the "only one who hasn't let him down/abandoned him/disappointed him". People expect evil to look like evil but it often looks like a good looking, charming guy who says all the right things.

Stop this relationship immediately - don't be friends, don't be acquaintances. Grown men should not be showing interest in a personal relationship with young girls - totally inappropriate and if his judgment is so poor that he can't tell you aren't an adult woman, and doesn't know that you are totally out of bounds for him to date, he has serious mental issues.

1234whites · Dec 10, 2012, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

When you cannot be honest about your age it's because you KNOW you are way too young to date, and when you are old enough - say 3 or 4 years from now - you will only be old enough to date boys your own age - other teenage KIDS, not grown men.

He
I agree with Scott. This guy has to know that you aren't over 18 - even if you act and look mature, you cannot look 50% older than you are. I believe his comments are exactly what grown men say to young girls to groom them for sexual abuse - pedophilia. It is not usually a physical attack - it is an emotional manipulation where he says all the right things to make you feel that you are "very mature for your age" and "have the body and soul of a grow woman" and he will tell you things like "age doesn't matter when people are in love". He will act like he "needs you" because you are the "only one who understands" him or are the "only one who hasn't let him down/abandoned him/disappointed him". People expect evil to look like evil but it often looks like a good looking, charming guy who says all the right things.

Stop this relationship immediately - don't be friends, don't be acquaintances. Grown men should not be showing interest in a personal relationship with young girls - totally inappropriate and if his judgment is so poor that he can't tell you aren't an adult woman, and doesn't know that you are totally out of bounds for him to date, he has serious mental issues.

He says none of those things.. he's very sincere and caring. He doesn't like me for sex. He looks 16.. he' asked me if I was young and I said Kind of. We've talked on the phone before and he lives a couple miles away. He accepts me the way I am, I know that sounded cheesy but he does and my flaws. He likes for what's iny heart and not what on the outside. He likes my personality. We listenn to then same type of music and we have quite a lot inncommon. He's a couple inches taller then me..

ScottGem · Dec 10, 2012, 02:50 PM

Maybe it is that he has some challenges, But you are a child.

Let me put it this way. Ask your parents if you can date him. If they say yes, then fine. Otherwise you need to leave him alone before he gets into serious trouble.

1234whites · Dec 10, 2012, 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Maybe it is that he has some challenges, But the fact of the matter is you are a child.

Let me put it this way. Ask your parents if you can date him. If they say yes, then fine. Otherwise you need to leave him alone before he gets into serious trouble.

He does have some challenges in his life.. Im trying to help him with them too. Hes had a rough life. I want to make his life better.. he said since Ive been talking to him. Hes been happier in the past couple of days. My parents might say no. I live in Ohio.. do you know the laws about dating age limit?. also he lives with his 4 brothers and sister.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 10, 2012, 03:10 PM

It could he is be that he is lying to you and is not 21 or he is a pedophile. There is no way a man that age finds such comfort in a 13 year old. You need to leave this man alone and certainly you should not be sneaking around. If your parents finds out, he will be in deep trouble.
You are young and gullible. Leave him alone.

1234whites · Dec 10, 2012, 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It could he is be that he is lying to you and is not 21 or he is a pedophile. There is no way a man that age finds such comfort in a 13 year old. You need to leave this man alone and certainly you should not be sneaking around. If your parents finds out, he will be in deep trouble.
You are young and gullible. Leave him alone.

He isn't lying to me. My best friend has talked to him in real and she knows how old he is. I know how old he is too.

aliseaodo · Dec 10, 2012, 03:41 PM

Why don't you flip it real quick - would you find comfort and a connection with a 5 year old? Sounds kind of gross and wrong doesn't it.

ScottGem · Dec 10, 2012, 04:41 PM

The laws in OH are that you are underage. If there is any sexual contact he could go through life as a sex offender. The laws are also that your parents have control over you. If you don't tell them it looks bad because you are both hiding from your parents. Besides what can you do if you have to hide from them. Your parents know you better than we do. They will know if you are really mature enough for this. So if they say no, its with your best interests at heart. So you NEED to tell them.

This guy is 21. If he knows you are underage and he would have to, then he should know better than to get involved with you. Everything you say about what he's told you is typical of a pedophile grooming a victim. How much of what he's told you can you verify? How did you meet him?

dontknownuthin · Dec 10, 2012, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by 1234whites

He isn't lying to me. My bestfriend has talked to him in real and she knows how old he is. I know how old he is too.

You need to acknowledge that if he lies to you, he would also lie to your best friend to keep the story consistent. He may lie to everyone in his life. Who knows?

Then again, he may be telling the truth and let's assume that he is being honest with you AND your best friend.

The truth is that you are 13 and he is 21. He looks younger, but that is irrelevant. You are 13 and there is no way that he does not know you are a minor. No way. For example, he must know you don't have a job. He must know you are not in college. He must know that you live with your parents. If he doesn't know any of this, he doesn't know the first thing about you. He asked if you are young, you told him you are. It did not stop him from continuing the relationship with you.

A 21 year old man who starts a personal relationship with a minor is doing what Scott said he is doing - it is a fact, it is the very definition of the term - he is "grooming" the young girl. He may be just interested in your personality and your taste in music, but you cannot be so naïve. Every girl and woman who dates needs to know that every man and boy has an end game in mind - a sexual relationship. That's what "grooming" is about. Covincing you that he is not after anything but your personality and Ipod selections so that he can win your trust, and groom you into being his "girlfriend". If he were only interested in your personality and other things you have in common and was an appropriate young man, he would not consider you his girlfriend. He would consider himself perhaps an adult mentor to a kid.

If he were at all appropriate there are certain things he would insist upon: He would never be alone with you, first of all because he wouldn't even want anyone to be of the slightest impression that he is in anything approaching an inappropriate relationship with you. He would insist that your parents know about his involvement in your life and if he did not have their express knowledge and consent, he would have nothing to do with you. He would not be talking with you and your best friend and all this - you are describing the actions of a 5th grade boy, not a grown man. Grown men don't get into these deep talks with their "girlfriend's" best friend about their "relationship". He would insist on knowing exactly how old you are and if the answer wasn't 18 or a higher number, he would have nothing further to do with you. In fact, if he were an appropriate young man, he would go to your parents right now and tell them, "I'm 21 and your daughter has been trying to get my interest as a potential boyfriend. I wanted you to know because, you know, some guy might act on it and it's pretty dangerous".

A 21 year old man who dates a 13 year old girl - or even a 16 year old girl - is what's called a "pedophile".

So the answer to your question is, when a 21 year old man dates a 13 year old girl, he is indicating that he is a pedophile. The girl requires the protection of her parents. Even if he has not had sex with the girl, his presence in her life constitutes a real and immediate danger. That's the answer. There are plenty of 21 year old women with nice personalities and compatible tastes in music - the thing is, this guy likes children. Go to your parents.

SweetPea95 · Dec 12, 2012, 09:15 AM

HECK NO. no no no. it is techinquelly illegal, because he is an adult and you are a MINOR. It is not safe for you two to date, because if something happens HE CAN END UP IN JAIL. Honestly I am being a hypocrite for telling you this, I dated a 45 year old once and I am 17. He said age is just a number, I agreed with him that it is just a number, and love can work very odd sometimes. BUT THAT IS NOT HOW THE LAW SEES IT. OH NO. I am not yelling at you just letting you know okay, I'm not yelling. You might like him, he might like you, but it is NOT safe for you two to date. It is okay for you two to be friends and try to keep each other from falling down in life. I do understand it. But it is BEST if you are not dating, there is less consequences

ScottGem · Dec 12, 2012, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by SweetPea95

HECK NO. no no no. it is techinquelly illegal,

It is NOT illegal for them to date since there are no laws that govern dating. It IS illegal for them to engage in sexual activity. It would also be illegal for either of them to defy her parents if they forbid the relationship. But we don't know if they will. So to say outright that it is illegal for them to date is inaccurate.

However, there are many things about this that shout pedophile and I would definitely not approve this relationship if I were her parent.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 12, 2012, 09:40 AM

In my opinion it ought to be illegal for a 21 year to even date a 13 year old. That is just messed up. It's letting the fox in the hen house. What decent 21 year old wants to date a 13 year old? What would they have in common?

SweetPea95 · Dec 12, 2012, 10:09 AM

You know why these things happen? It's because one of the lovers have been scared in their past (Phycologists say). Has something happened dramatic in your life with your parents or something happen in his life, I know you said he isn't having a good life right now.my dear? May I ask what's going on. Dramatic in his life an yours.

Homegirl 50 · Dec 12, 2012, 10:19 AM

She is a 13 year old girl flattered by a 21 year old man. This guy, I don't know what his problem is but he ought to know better than mess with a child. He's either a pedophile or he is mentally unstable. Either way she needs to tell her parents about this and leave him alone.

SweetPea95 · Dec 12, 2012, 10:21 AM

Yes I do agree. I isn't disagreeing with anyone. But that is sometimes the problem. One of the people in the relationship have been dramatized which makes them do this... I a perfect example for that. I was just saying him or her might have been dramatized.