[lalala64]

I am currently engaged and have been for months. I love my fiancé a lot, which is why I am so upset right now, because I am second guessing the wedding. We have been together nearly seven years. He has been there for me through my ups and downs and I have been there for his. We met in college and pretty much grew up together. He's a genuinely good guy. He is easy-going, caring, focused, goal orientated, and supportive. He is a story teller too. They may not be incredibly funny stories, but I love listening to him. I love that he shares that with me.

The problem I have had over the years is that he is very reserved. For a long time I thought I could handle it. I was fine with it even. But sometimes it would bother me when I would be with friends and family having a great time, but he would be so quiet and stand-offish. He's also not very affectionate. In the beginning he was a little more affectionate, but who isn't? I love affection and have tried to keep it going the whole time. Thing is, at times I feel like I need to force him to hug me or kiss me. And if I don't, we may go days without it. Also, and I know this is my fault, I would have a hard time telling him things sometimes because I would be afraid to just make him mad. It bothered me because instead of him talking to me about how I feel and how he feels, he just gets mad about things. I have told him I didn't like that we cannot talk, and he's made some adjustments but he also says that he's always been bad at expressing himself and anyone who knows him knows that. I just let him know that he can talk to me and I let it go at that.

I want it to work with him. I want to laugh and joke with him. I want us to laugh together so hard our cheeks hurt (which I do not think we have yet), but I fear it will never be that way. Is that an awful fear? I fear he'll never want to go on the little adventures I imagined in my future, or if he did, he would not enjoy them. I fear he and I will end up roommates and not passionate lovers.

I have met other people throughout my relationship with him that have made me question myself. One in particular I believe we just clicked. This man and I totally saw eye to eye. We understood how each other thought. He has the same thoughts on affection and adventure. He could look at me and tell if something was wrong (another thing I am afraid my fiancé cannot do). We laugh until we tear up, and share our thoughts quite easily. It is how I am with this guy that I imagined my life to be like with my fiancé.

Now I am so confused. Am I settling with my fiancé? Have I fallen for this new man? I want it to work with my fiancé, but I fear what I want out of him means changing him, which is impossible. Am I being unfair? Please help.

[Brunam]

Believe me you are not being unfair, this is your life your talking about and you need to make sure if he is the one, well since you already know you can't change a guy, you have to decide whether you will be able to live with him for the rest of your life without any regrets... If I were you I would get a paper or more if needed and make a line down the middle and on one side list the positive things about your relationship with him and on the other list all the negatives and go over them and decide if this is what you want in your life, all you have to do is listen to your heart.

[JudyKayTee]

Believe me you are not being unfair, this is your life ur talking about and u need to make sure if he is the one, well since u already know u can't change a guy, you have to decide whether or not u will be able to live with him for the rest of ur life without any regrets... If I were u I would get a paper or more if needed and make a line down the middle and on one side list the positive things about your relationship with him and on the other list all the negatives and go over them and decide if this is what you want in your life, all you have to do is listen to your heart.

Please - text speak is against AMHD rules. If you care enough to post please take the time to post in English, full words.

I like your advice BUT I would tell the OP not to marry if she has the slightest doubt about the relationship in her heart.

[Homegirl 50]

If you have doubts, don't marry him.
It sounds as if he is not the one for you.

[talaniman]

If you have not worked all that out in 7 years, I doubt you ever will.

[lalala64]

I have the hardest time coming to grips with having to end it. Maybe I don't want to, or I am too afraid to. I fear I will lose the best man for me. Also, I feel like it's unfair to the relationship. I worry I did not do enough to fix it before. I know I love him. I also fear that I'll wish for more in the future. It's not fair to him to be thinking this. I have told him a lot of what I want and love. I have told him I am nervous about it. He is willing to work with me on things, but some things I know are just not in his character. I have read articles stating reserved men will open up more along the way, and honestly he has, I just worry I will always be tempted to stray to another. I am worried I am just bored and not understanding that this comes for all people in long relationships.

[Homegirl 50]

You stayed 7 years but it sounds like he has never been the one for you, you have been settling hoping it will get better.
It is not fair to him feeling the way you do to go ahead with this marriage or relationship.

[talaniman]

How old are you both? How long have you lived together (as opposed to going together)?

Why are you bored?

[stanmatt]

Communication is the key my friend, this can be fixed if you really love each other and I mean both of you

[lalala64]

We are both 26 years old. We have lived together for nearly four years, maybe more. I think I started to feel bored when we would never talk about anything new. Our conversations were always the same. When we'd hang out I couldn't tell he was having fun. He was always calm. He never got excited. It seemed we had little in common anymore. We didn't laugh much together. I want the type of laugh where it's genuine pure enjoyment. I wanted to laugh so much our cheeks hurt. That rarely happened. I have no idea if that's just how life is or we just don't have that type of relationship. For a while I started to notice how little I made him smile. How little he smiled at me. I am very playful and silly. I love when I am with someone who'll feed it back. I started noticed how he wouldn't be very playful with me. I told him how I wanted more playfulness in our relationship. I told him we need to laugh and enjoy each other more, and he did start trying a little more. I appreciated it. I worried it would be forced and not natural. I know I over think everything. It's a frustrating trait. It makes me worried I'll never be truly happy with anyone. What frustrated me the worst is this thought that kept arising: the happiness, excitement, giddiness I felt with past relationships is not how I feel in this one. I believe I may have felt it in the beginning, which makes me believe I was just missing that initial newness felt in all relationships. That's not fair to put on my boyfriend.

I do need to update the forum, and well, be honest. I am ashamed of myself for my actions therefore I did not admit to it all on here, but with the latest news I feel I must. The other man I mentioned before I must admit I slept with him. I started to have immense feelings for him. So much of how this man acted with me was how I always wanted a relationship to be. We had so much in common. We love being active. We had similar thought processes. We agreed on so much and could talk about anything and everything. I felt free with him. I realize it was new and exciting, which probably attracted me more. But I know all relationships are new and exciting in the beginning. I also realize I went about things all wrong. Instead of focusing on my relationship with my boyfriend I allowed myself to get swept up in this new feeling. I was wrong. I was selfish. Over time I felt like a fake. I lived two lives. I hated myself more and more everyday. I started to realize I had no idea what I really wanted. Where I wanted to be. Who I wanted to be with. I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't marry my fiancé after having done all of this awful stuff. So I talked to him. I told him I was nervous about getting married. I told him I was afraid. Then I realized I couldn't just leave it at that. I had to tell the truth. It was the only way I could start becoming a woman I could respect. It was the only way I could ever feel good about myself again. I had always valued honesty. I had been so true to that all my life until now, and I hated this person I had become, so I told my fiancé the truth. I told him I had cheated. I told him I couldn't move forward with such an awful lie. He was shocked, deeply hurt, and sad. At first he was mad, then he clutched me and told me he didn't want to lose me, then he said he couldn't forget what I had done and we had to split up. The whole time I felt unsure of what I really wanted still. Did I want to cling to him and convince him I was sorry and I didn't want to lose him either? Or did I want the space? Did I want the time away? In my heart I knew this happened for a reason. I couldn't just make a promise to him about how I feel if I didn't know myself anymore. So we split up.. (I am not with the other man either to be clear)

Each day has been hard. I miss my boyfriend a lot. I am scared. I am unsure if I lost the best man I have known. Then other days I am okay. I feel like being alone is what I need. I feel like I need to figure myself out again. I need to learn who I am and what I really want. I don't want to only associate myself with who I am in a relationship. It's been nearly two weeks since we split. He has come to me and told me he misses me and has forgiven me. He doesn't want to pressure me to give him answers, but he still loves me. He doesn't know if he should move on or start over with me. I miss him too. I know I still love him, but I felt in my heart I could not just run back to him. I don't know what to tell him or what to do now. One part of me is relieved he still loves me. One part of me wants hims back. But another part of me is wanting to figure me out still. I still wonder if it's that something was missing in my relationship with him and I needed something more, or if I was just weak and gave in to the excitement of a new thing. Advice?

[talaniman]

I give you a lot of credit for both your honesty, and being willing to take responsibility for your actions. Seems the only thing left for now is to let him know why you need time for yourself. Time to get over your own guilt, and forgive yourself for making a mistake. There must also be time for your ex to get over what he has been through and truly forgive YOU also,and that's often the rub in this situation,and requires a great patience for you as well.

Words are so easy and intentions can be the best, but in reality feelings take time to reconcile and that's the thing to remember, you both need time... and patience with yourselves, and each other.