[JudyKayTee]

So I painted him a painting of two birds facing each other and their wings and breaks cross forming a heart in the middle, so I spent two days while he was out of town and painted him room and bathroom and bought matching bedding and curtains, it is beautiful. Also I talk of him giving me money, he did a couple times, like twenty or thirty dollars to pay for gas when I went to see him. Also I speak of Jeffery, he's my BFF and I texted my BF with some of these concerns one night. So, I think thats all you need to know before you read this. Let me know if I'm wrong...please be honest.

I don't know about the email but I DO know that having you come into my space when I wasn't there, painting and purchasing bedding and curtains would have me out of there. I dated someone exclusively for quite a while. What I didn't know is that he programmed my garage door opener into his car. I came home from work to find dinner on my kitchen table with a note that he was thinking of me.

I never saw him again. A little too creepy for me.

If you have no money why are you buying paint and bedroom linens for him?

Your utilties get shut off - but you have money for this guy?

Yikes.

[joypulv]

I'm afraid that the bit about Bri killed it. If he's your ex and does a better job of making you feel special than the man you are currently calling your boyfriend, and you think that telling him all about it in detail is going to make him jump up and run over exclaiming how he will change his ways, then I think you are sadly mistaken about human nature in general.
Then there's the elaborate makeover of his room and bath (where? His place? YIKES)! If someone did that to my place without my OK I would be out the door in a second. And calling attention to how much work you put into a gift (plus money for bedding which you can't afford) to compare to his pathetic gifts is just not the way to change someone either.
So... maybe Bri is the man for you...

[sbvandi]

Okay to clarify, I have a key to his place and he said to come by if I wanted. He had just bought a new house and he was having me decorate it for him, so he knew that I was in and out while he was gone, bringing in furniture when it was delivered and so on. Also I meant to say that I didn't buy the linens or paint, he had bought the paint earlier and I all ready had the linens because my mom bought them for me at a garage sales and they were the wrong size for my bed. The Bri thing was insensitive I have to admit :/

But after saying that, why am I considered a gold digger? He didn't express any hard feeling about my Bri comment although I did apologize for it later, but Im just wondering why he thinks I such a bad person?

[Alty]

But after saying that, why am i considered a gold digger? He didn't express any hard feeling about my Bri comment although I did apologize for it later, but Im just wondering why he thinks I such a bad person?

Only he can answer that. You did mention money a lot in your email, and the fact that you resent that you have to go to the food bank and he doesn't help out, that he didn't get you a birthday gift, etc. etc.

I know that you didn't mean it that way, but he doesn't know that. It does sound like your saying "why won't you help me out by giving me some money"?

The fact is, you're struggling and you resent him for not helping you out. He's doing well and he resents you for expecting him to help you out. You're better off apart since you both resent each other.

[JudyKayTee]

But after saying that, why am i considered a gold digger? He didn't express any hard feeling about my Bri comment although I did apologize for it later, but Im just wondering why he thinks I such a bad person?

I think he was looking for a doorway out, an exit. Anything would have "worked" for him. He's using the email as a reason, nothing more, nothing less.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think he thinks you are a gold digger. That was his excuse. Like I said before, I think he was not as serious about you as he let on. You were convenient. He could have sex and not have to give anything in return.
You are probably not the only woman in his life.

[sbvandi]

Only he can answer that. You did mention money a lot in your email, and the fact that you resent that you have to go to the food bank and he doesn't help out, that he didn't get you a birthday gift, etc. etc.

I know that you didn't mean it that way, but he doesn't know that. It does sound like your saying "why won't you help me out by giving me some money"?

The fact is, you're struggling and you resent him for not helping you out. He's doing well and he resents you for expecting him to help you out. You're better off apart since you both resent each other.

Good point thank you

[Homegirl 50]

This guy sounds like a player to me.
You are better off.

[JudyKayTee]

People don't have to break in in order to violate your space. I would resent coming home and finding my home redecorated to your taste. He has money - maybe he doesn't want to redecorate with items your mother found at a garage sale.

I think your email is all about money, money, money. A card from the Dollar Store? Not just "a card?" I think the shot about your "ex" is just that. A shot.

And when I found out you were discussing our relationship with "friends and family"... "I have thought alot about this and looked to friends and family for answers about whether I should even talk to you about this and they say you may not like what I have to say..." Goodbye.

[Alty]

People don't have to break in in order to violate your space. I would resent coming home and finding my home redecorated to your taste. He has money - maybe he doesn't want to redecorate with items your mother found at a garage sale.

I think your email is all about money, money, money. A card from the Dollar Store? Not just "a card?" I think the shot about your "ex" is just that. A shot.

And when I found out you were discussing our relationship with "friends and family" ... "I have thought alot about this and looked to friends and family for answers about whether I should even talk to you about this and they say you may not like what I have to say..." Goodbye.

I have to say that I agree.

The entire email was about money, you don't help me, you see me struggling, you eat the chips I get at the food bank, but you don't care that I have to eat rotten food, you didn't get me anything for my birthday, I do so much for you, etc. etc.

And the parts about the ex, well you, those were meant to hurt and wound, and obviously it worked.

I do have to admit that if I were in this relationship, and I was the one with money, I would have seen this email as a way of making me feel guilty for not writing a cheque every time you need something. You really did make it sound like you do so very much for him, and he does nothing for you.

Not to be unkind, but from the beginning I thought you were a bit of a gold digger. Not that you're looking to get rich, but let's all remember why you started this thread. You were, and still are, upset that you're struggling and your rich boyfriend doesn't help out financially. You do expect him to help out, otherwise why would you be upset that he doesn't? I said it then and I still do believe that you have no right to expect him to help you out.

I changed course a bit because of the information you posted, and the fact that you're willing to listen (we don't get that a lot on this site). I don't think he's a good boyfriend, I don't think you should be involved with him, but not because he won't help you out with money. I don't think that should be an issue, yet the majority of your email to him was about exactly that, money, the fact that he has it, and you don't, and you resent him for not giving you some.

[Homegirl 50]

I don't see it that way at all.
I think the guy is a creep and you were giving it up and he did not have to do anything for it but throw you a few crumbs.
I see nothing wrong with after seeing someone for 8 months and he is talking about marriage and knows you are getting food from the food bank, expecting him to offer something.
I think the guy is insensitive but I also think you were seeing what you wanted to see and not seeing that you mean nothing to him. Your decorating his room is in my opinion immaterial, the guy was just not going to do anything for you because you did not mean that much to him.

[Alty]

I don't see it that way at all.
I think the guy is a creep and you were giving it up and he did not have to do anything for it but throw you a few crumbs.
I see nothing wrong with after seeing someone for 8 months and he is talking about marriage and knows you are getting food from the food bank, expecting him to offer something.
I think the guy is insensitive but I also think you were seeing what you wanted to see and not seeing that you mean nothing to him. Your decorating his room is in my opinion immaterial, the guy was just not going to do anything for you because you did not mean that much to him.

See, I agree with that as well.

When my husband and I were dating we were both in school, struggling, but we both lived at home rent free, so we really only had minor expenses like gas, insurance, etc.

But there were times when one of us couldn't afford even that. When I was in college I had no income, college was my full time career, and I paid for that, didn't get paid. Many times if I was short on money my then boyfriend (now husband) would lend me some money. But, it was always a loan. We weren't married, and I hated asking for anything, but he'd offer, and I'd pay him back. That situation was also reversed many times, where I'd have money and he wouldn't, and I'd lend him money.

The thing is, it was always a loan because we weren't married.

That's where I have a problem with this, and it may just be the way the OP has written it. To me it sounds like she expects him to pay her bills, get her a nice gift for her birthday, buy her food, etc. etc. because he has money, and she's not working. It doesn't sound like she wants help, that she'll pay back, it sounds like she wants a handout. He's not responsible for that. He's not her husband. He's only been with her for 8 months.

I'm not saying this guy is boyfriend material. Personally I think he's a jerk. But not because of the money thing. It's his money. Rich or not, he earns it. She has no right to it, and she has no right to expect him to pay for the things she needs. If he were her husband, that would be a different story. If they were living together that would be a different story. But really, how serious can they be? He gets sex, she expects money. He hasn't even met her kids! I think that's a good idea, but it does say that the OP isn't that serious about this relationship either. Since neither of them seem to be that serious, why should she get financial help from him?

[Homegirl 50]

I don't see her being that way or saying that.
I see her as being hurt because she has a boyfriend who has money, has no problem bragging about how much he spends on stuff and sees her struggling and jokes about the food bank food being stale and not offering anything. That is just cold. He is telling her he wants a future with her, yet he sees her struggling offers no help and only gives her a card for her birthday. That is just cold.
I don't think she understands how he could be this way. I don't understand it either. Except he cares nothing for her, has no intention of marrying her, she is just a port call.

[Alty]

I don't see her being that way or saying that.
I see her as being hurt because she has a boyfriend who has money, has no problem bragging about how much he spends on stuff and sees her struggling and jokes about the food bank food being stale and not offering anything. That is just cold. He is telling her he wants a future with her, yet he sees her struggling offers no help and only gives her a card for her birthday. That is just cold.
I don't think she understands how he could be this way. I don't understand it either. Except he cares nothing for her, has no intention of marrying her, she is just a port call.

But see that's all hearsay. She told us that he said he wants a future with her, but from everything she's written about him, that's not what I see at all. To me it sounds like he wanted a girlfriend, someone to take out once in a while, someone to have sex with, and she agreed.

Really, how much of a future could they have planned, he didn't even meet her kids.

The more I think about this the more I think that she wanted someone to help her financially, without giving anything emotionally, and he wanted a companion. She did what she did to keep him in her life, and he didn't give anything of monetary value because she never meant that much to him.

They're both to blame here. He's to blame because he made her think there was more to the relationship than sex. She's to blame because she wanted him to help her financially, and I don't really think she was in love, at least not with him. I really don't think either of them loved the other, they were both using each other for their own means, sadly, she didn't get what she wanted out of this relationship, which is money.

[Homegirl 50]

Could be, and without his input, we will never know.

[Alty]

Could be, and without his input, we will never know.

So true.

The fact is, it's over, and that's what needed to happen for both of them. That much is clear. :)

[sbvandi]

No one wants to hear anything happy so I will keep it to myself

[JudyKayTee]

. We ate dinner and talked ALOT. He asked me not to say anything if he wants to do things for me or give me money. I am supposed to just accept and that he would feel better if I didn't say a word. I agreed reluctantly. He in turn asked for me not to speak of any of my money troubles with him, I agreed especially cause its not his problem and I should be sensitive that it may make him feel bad. Our conversation when on about what we want from our relationship, how we can improve, and how we can move on with our future. I went to bed WITH him happy :)
I need help with this extra tidbit, this morning I when down to do dishes and I realized he had filled my fridge and cupboards with a ton of food :) Thank God, and I was so happy because he thought about it and it meant so much because he actually went grocery shopping :) But then I opened a cupboard and there was a note that said to open my computer, so I did and there was an envelope that said, "you promised not to say anything" I opened it and there was a check for a lot of money. WTF am I supposed to do? I called him, (because he had already left, he only flew in for 12 hours, but he said he needed to see me) and told him I couldn't accept that. Then he said that I promised not to say anything if he wanted to give me something....he said to cash it so I didn't have to worry anymore and that we can just concentrate on me finishing school and us moving forward. I dont know what to do? Many of you do think Im selfish and digging for gold, so I dont know what message it will give if I do cash it, I feel weird about it and I told him that. His response was that he took a deposit slip out of my checkbook which was just sitting in my stack of bills and that if I didnt cash it he would just deposit it.

I know I started out complaining about how I struggle and need help, but now that I got help I feel even worse. I guess it's ironic idk. Some may look at this and say he's trying to control he (that may be true) and some may think I a b**** for even sharing this. All I know is I want to believe that we are moving forward and that he looked at my emails(I sent him another one) and decided he wanted this. Im so grateful for his generosity but I don't want to do the wrong thing. Do I accept the money, and be quiet and move on, or do I tell him I don't want it cause I feel weird. I don't want to hurt him since he went through all this trouble and how much thought he put into this. IDK....

I hate to be so frank but I think this entire thread should be entitled "once upon a time."

Right to the point - either this is true and your head is buried in the sand.

OR this is not true and everyone has spent a lot of time, only to be scammed.

Your story has twisted and turned. Suddenly the plan all along was for him to move in, to meet your children, have an office in your house. That was most definitely not the case up to now. If it is true that he gives you money and food in exchange for sex the word that comes to my mind isn't gold digger. Oh, wait, that's two words.

What do I think? You know what I think.

Let's see what someone else thinks.

I'm an investigator. My spidey senses started tingling a while ago. They are now tingling loud and clear.

[sbvandi]

Okay? Well I do appreciate all the help, I am surprised by last night, it is true... sorry you don't believe me... I guess I didn't explain all the details of our relationship. I don't like that fact that you (Judy) think Im lying. Doesn't really matter. If anyone else has some actual advice about that I should do let me know...

[Alty]

I'm not buying it.

I'm not saying that last night didn't happen, I'm sure it did. What I'm not buying is that this guy did such a complete turnaround in one night. He went from an uncaring unfeeling jerk, to someone that begged you to let him help you out, wrote a huge check and filled up your fridge. People don't change that quickly.

I have a feeling he wasn't the jerk you made him out to be throughout this whole post. In fact, I'm beginning to think the bad one in the relationship wasn't him at all.

Why did you never mention that you were planning on moving him into your home, that he'd be helping with the bills when that happened, that he was going to meet your children etc. etc. You never once mentioned this before now.

I think you're lying. I just don't know if you're lying to us about everything, lying to him, or lying to yourself.