[James1969]

You can't change a man's instinct.It is not proper on your part to think much on his behalf.The best thing is to ignore it.Watch him with love and care.Try to understand his needs and fulfill it as much as you can.

Please don't take it as a big problem.

[smearcase]

I don't know all the details that you know so I can't defend him. But most women don't understand men (just my opinion based on my experiences) and vice-versa, I'm quite sure of that, and after all these years of civilization that doesn't seem to have changed much.
But if you have a family, and a fairly secure future, don't let this episode be the deciding factor. Base your decsions on the other factors that you have discussed or maybe haven't discussed. Is he a good provider with all that emphasis on his job? You have to weigh all the factors and you have to weight the factors based on which ones are most important to the entire family. The title of your post would in my humble opinion would be a factor at the bottom of the list with a weight factor of zero, in itself.

[JudyKayTee]

You can't change a man's instinct.It is not proper on your part to think much on his behalf.The best thing is to ignore it.Watch him with love and care.Try to understand his needs and fulfill it as much as you can.

Please don't take it as a big problem.

Sorry - you are blaming the "victim." It is not PROPER for her to think on his behalf? She should IGNORE his behavior - try to understand his needs.

What exactly are his "needs" if he "needs" to masturbate when his willing wife is in the next room?

Maybe all men masturbate; maybe they don't. It's one thing if a man says, "I'm going to masturbate, want to watch?" It's another if you plain old aren't there and so who cares. It's another thing if the willing wife is in the next room.

Sorry, I think you are way off base and, again, blaming the victim here.

[Itsover]

Sorry - you are blaming the "victim." It is not PROPER for her to think on his behalf? She should IGNORE his behavior - try to understand his needs.

What exactly are his "needs" if he "needs" to masturbate when his willing wife is in the next room?

Maybe all men masturbate; maybe they don't. It's one thing if a man says, "I'm going to masturbate, want to watch?" It's another if you plain old aren't there and so who cares. It's another thing if the willing wife is in the next room.

Sorry, I think you are way off base and, again, blaming the victim here.

Thank you. Because I was starting to think I was wrong for being upset by this.

[JudyKayTee]

Thank you. Because I was starting to think I was wrong for being upset by this.

When you read the advice you have to sort through the other posts - the person who told you, basically, that you need to shape up is blaming the wife on other posts, telling them to shape up.

Apparently has a problem with women - and is attempting to avoid child support and so...

[Itsover]

When you read the advice you have to sort through the other posts - the person who told you, basically, that you need to shape up is blaming the wife on other posts, telling them to shape up.

Apparently has a problem with women - and is attempting to avoid child support and so ...

Ah. I see. So do you think I can forgive my husband? Not for masturbating but for neglecting me and for treating me second rate? I really want to forgive him but I just keep thinking now that he's faking it with me that he doesn't want to be with me but it's easier than divorce and that hea probably thinking about other women all the time now!

[JudyKayTee]

Ah. I see. So do you think I can forgive my husband? Not for masturbating but for neglecting me and for treating me second rate? I really want to forgive him but I just keep thinking now that he's faking it with me that he doesn't want to be with me but it's easier than divorce and that hea probably thinking about other women all the time now!

Wow - I honestly don't know what I would were I in your shoes. I truly don't.

I agree - it's less about masturbating and more about neglecting you, knowing you are hurt and neglected - and masturbating anyway.

Yes, I can see that thoughts of "other women" would run through your head.

Can you sit down and calmly (and I know that might not be easy) discuss this with him? I sort of get a tone from you that the relationship is over OR is limping into the "over" stage.

What's in your heart? I think somewhere deep down inside, you know.

[Itsover]

Wow - I honestly don't know what I would were I in your shoes. I truly don't.

I agree - it's less about masturbating and more about neglecting you, knowing you are hurt and neglected - and masturbating anyway.

Yes, I can see that thoughts of "other women" would run through your head.

Can you sit down and calmly (and I know that might not be easy) discuss this with him? I sort of get a tone from you that the relationship is over OR is limping into the "over" stage.

What's in your heart? I think somewhere deep down inside, you know.

I don't know. I don't know if I'm expecting too much or not enough. I know when I think of leaving I'm terrified of how hard it will be emotionally, financially, on the kids. But then again if he hates me why stay no matter how unappealing my other options?

[JudyKayTee]

I don't know. I don't know if I'm expecting too much or not enough. I know when I think of leaving I'm terrified of how hard it will be emotionally, financially, on the kids. But then again if he hates me why stay no matter how unappealing my other options?

How about if you make yourself attractive and fun and "appealing" to yourself and your children? Don't cater to him, don't be his fantasy woman. Get a solid idea of who you are and what you want. When you're in that position, then you can decide how to go forward. You don't have to make that decision today.

I'm not saying to be mean or cold to him. I'm saying that YOU are more important than HIM and more important than the two of you as a couple.

He wants to masturbate to fantasy women, he wants to be neglectful, he wants to be anything other than abusive - you'll be confident enough in yourself that none of that will matter. It's possible when he realizes what he says and does has little effect you he may snap around.

Then YOU decide whether you are still interested.

I'd set a deadline - 3 months for example. Long enough to know his colors. Short enough that you are not burning up chunks of your life that you can never get back.

Sound like it might work?

I have found in relationships that when the other person cooled down it hurt me deeply - until I cooled down. Then they heated up and it was too late for me.

[Itsover]

How about if you make yourself attractive and fun and "appealing" to yourself and your children? Don't cater to him, don't be his fantasy woman. Get a solid idea of who you are and what you want. When you're in that position, then you can decide how to go forward. You don't have to make that decision today.

I'm not saying to be mean or cold to him. I'm saying that YOU are more important than HIM and more important than the two of you as a couple.

He wants to masturbate to fantasy women, he wants to be neglectful, he wants to be anything other than abusive - you'll be confident enough in yourself that none of that will matter. It's possible when he realizes what he says and does has little effect you he may snap around.

Then YOU decide whether or not you are still interested.

I'd set a deadline - 3 months for example. Long enough to know his colors. Short enough that you are not burning up chunks of your life that you can never get back.

Sound like it might work?

I have found in relationships that when the other person cooled down it hurt me deeply - until I cooled down. Then they heated up and it was too late for me.

To be fair I think I can try it. It just seems like I have done it before and still nothing.

But three months is not too long to try once more. He actually just called me to see if I was making his favorite lasagna yeah... EF that!

The thing is if I'm not engaging him in sex the next thing he will say is "oh is this how it's goin to be from now on?" "if it is I'm gone"

He threatens me with that crap so I will "conform". Says he won't pay child support. Says if I leave don't EVER expect to hear from him again. Back to the three months, sure I'll try.

[JudyKayTee]

To be fair I think I can try it. It just seems like I have done it before and still nothing.

But three months is not too long to try once more. He actually just called me to see if I was making his favorite lasagna yeah.....EF that!

The thing is if I'm not engaging him in sex the next thing he will say is "oh is this how it's goin to be from now on?" "if it is I'm gone"

He threatens me with that crap so I will "conform". Says he won't pay child support. Says if I leave don't EVER expect to hear from him again. Back to the three months, sure I'll try.

I think you're stronger and express yourself far better than you realize.

Lasagna? Homemade? Heck, I'll be over!

I think three months is a good time frame - long enough but short enough.

So - it's sex on his terms or good-bye? I'd tell him calmly how you - you are either his partner in life or you're not his partner in sex. His choice. I've heard the, "Well, you're forcing me to watch porn and masturbate." My answer - "the computer is in there."

Right, he's not going to pay child support, you won't be able to locate him, blah, blah, blah. The Court will have an entirely different opinion. As far as not finding him - I'm an investigator.

We'll find him.

[Itsover]

I think you're stronger and express yourself far better than you realize.

Lasagna? Homemade? Heck, I'll be over!

I think three months is a good time frame - long enough but short enough.

So - it's sex on his terms or good-bye? I'd tell him calmly how you - you are either his partner in life or you're not his partner in sex. His choice. I've heard the, "Well, you're forcing me to watch porn and masturbate." My answer - "the computer is in there."

Right, he's not going to pay child support, you won't be able to locate him, blah, blah, blah. The Court will have an entirely different opinion. As far as not finding him - I'm an investigator.

We'll find him.

You made me giggle for the first time in two days. I SO needed that.

I'm going to let this go and change my focus because quite honestly I'm sick of thinking about him.

Can we stay in touch? I really appreciate your comments. Thanks again. : )

[JudyKayTee]

You made me giggle for the first time in two days. I SO needed that.

I'm going to let this go and change my focus because quite honestly I'm sick of thinking about him.

Can we stay in touch? I really appreciate your comments. Thanks again. : )

Sure, any time - use the Private Mail (PM) function and we'll exchange info.

AMHD prefers that these issues remain on the board so other people can read and hopefully learn but all else is wide open!

Yes, I'd like to know how you're doing (and when the lasagna will be ready).