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Trinitygrace · May 19, 2012, 04:42 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. We have a 4-year-old daughter together and we both want to try this summer for another one. We love each other so much, but he isn't interested in marriage, but yet he says he is ready for another baby. It makes no sense to me. He is afraid that marriage will ruin our relationship, I'll take him to court and want half of his stuff. I make more than he does and told him that I am not the least bit interested in his possessions. I am so depressed all the time. I don't know what to do. I equate his reluctance to marry me as him not loving me. Sure we've had our share of breakups over the years but we have been together without breaking up for 2 years. I don't know what to do. Please give me some advice.

DoulaLC · May 19, 2012, 04:50 PM

If his only reason is being afraid that you will take half of what he has, offer to have a prenup written up and you both sign it. Has he seen bad divorces happen to people he knows?

Depending on where you live, you may be in what is considered a common law marriage and that can sometimes be treated as a marriage anyway... including how assets would be handled in the event of a split. It would be wise to look into how your situation would be dealt with where you live. For example, in some instances, not being married may work against you in certain medical and financial situations.

andrewjg · May 19, 2012, 05:10 PM

Prenuptual agreement sounds like your best bet :)

talaniman · May 19, 2012, 05:35 PM

I sure wouldn't have another child with a fellow that was afraid of marriage, after knowing you for 10 years. Good luck with a prenup, and be smart enough to protect yourself, JUST IN CASE! I doubt he goes for that either but you can try.

Trinitygrace · May 20, 2012, 07:35 AM

He has seen a lot of bad divorces in his family. He is a police officer and so he has seen a lot in court. They do not recognize common law marriage where we live. He also said lots of times prenups don't hold up in court. I don't know what I'm going to do.

DoulaLC · May 20, 2012, 07:51 AM

Does he understand the ways being married can actually benefit the two of you and any children you have together?

A successful marriage certainly is not guaranteed to anyone, and divorce is obviously something everyone would like to avoid.

Have you shared with him the reasons it is important to you? I guess the 10 years together isn't enough for him to be more comfortable that it will work out for the two of you. I can understand his concern with the situations he has experienced, but I would also be feeling as though he has his safety net in case things don't work out. Maybe you should do the same.

Do you work outside the home? Do you have an account in just your name that you add funds to on a regular basis? Who's to say he won't take you for half of your stuff?

If you don't feel confident in his commitment, whether he marries you or not, I wouldn't have another child with him either.

You'll have to decide how important it is to you and whether it is a deal breaker in the relationship. One of you will have to give. Maybe some sort of compromise... if the two of you are still going strong at year 12, he agrees to get married.

talaniman · May 20, 2012, 08:26 AM

I agree with Doula, he has his safety net, and maybe you should have yours. Just in case he cannot face, and overcome his fear, and take a risk.

You also should recognize that your willingness to go along completely with his programs is also an obstacle. I mean, shouldn't he be more afraid of losing you, than taking a risk of marrying you? To me it's a red flag that he doesn't. Its also a red flag to me that after 10 years, this has yet to be resolved to the benefit of you both, or that just living together and having babies is the solution. Your right, makes little sense.

Just saying.

Trinitygrace · May 20, 2012, 11:03 AM

I agree. He should be more afriad of losing me than marrying me, but I am such a nice person that he often takes me for granted. At least, that's how I observe it. I am going to show him my lift of 50 reasons I want to get married. I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but a friend of mine told me a creative idea. I decided to transfer them to index cards and then place them inside his top 50 favorite DVDs. I poured my heart out into these 50 reasons. Maybe seeing the reasons and really taking them to heart as well as noticing how much work I put into this idea, will open his eyes. I don't know. But I do agree with DoulaLC that we must come to a compromise. If I am willing to have his child and continue to stay with him while putting our relationship first, he would want to marry me. I am willing to wait longer if he compromises. I will tell him this. .

DoulaLC · May 20, 2012, 11:39 AM

I hope it works out how you would like it to.

Marriage truly is a leap of faith. It must be when you consider how many marriages end in divorce... and yet many, with the love, respect, and trust that they have for their partner, are willing to take that chance... some even more than once!

Fr_Chuck · May 20, 2012, 12:08 PM

And why should he, this is the issue with couples that live together for too long, and have kids together and don't marry, He has absolutely no reason in the world to get married, He has a bed buddy, he has someone most likely don't a lot of the house work, and cooking.

Do you own a house, whose name is it in ? What about cars ? Bank accounts together.

I would say it just goes down to he just does not want to.