[Dee75]

Hi

Although I am a mature, divorced woman with children, I don't know how to handle my current situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years and it's never been a smooth relationship and I probably should have got out a long time ago but I believe I have had issues with self-esteem, which I am slowly trying to improve. I actually ended the relationship after 6 months but he begged, pleaded and made me feel guilty for doing so; I eventually let him back into my life. 18 months later and I have decided 100% that this relationship is not healthy. However, I am afraid of him for the following reasons:-
On several occasions, usually after we have been drinking alcohol, he becomes very opinionated and starts belittling me and my family so I retaliate (having the courage to because I've had a couple of drinks) and it often escalates into physical violence with him striking the first push or slap, I try to walk away but he physically stands in my way, as though he wants me to hit back, which I have sometimes done. Last week this happened and I was trying to get away when he slammed my head into the wall and split it open. Thank fully I didn't need hospital treatment. In the morning he is always sorry and puts it down to the fact that we were drunk.
Now, I know this isn't right, I also know that I probably should steer clear of alcohol if this is what happens but I have become to think that if we can't enjoy a civilised evening out and a few drinks - what is the point in continuing?
I have tried to end the relationship a few times but when I have done so, he glares at me and clenches his fists and says that he will not let it happen. He then makes me sit and listen to him for hours whilst he calls me names, threatens to tell people secrets I have divulged to him and for these reasons I have been just hanging on in there, trying to make things OK and telling myself that I am the problem, I am low in self-esteem and I need to get a grip but it's not working - I am actually going a bit crazy with it all.

My kids don't like him that much (they say he is odd), I know my parents don't approve of him (they haven't said so but I know my parents!), my friends are dropping like flies. I need to get out but I don't have the courage or the drive to.

It hasn't been constantly bad, there have been good times but the bad is always there in the background waiting to raise its head on the next occasion. We don't agree on many things, he is racist, he calls other women 'slags' and he speaks in a nasty way about ex-girlfriends and his ex-wife. He loses his temper with other road users, he is very very opinionated and doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut so as to avoid upsetting people, he just doesn't care. Don't know what to do, think its all my own fault for letting it get this far. We don't live together, he comes to my house 5 times a week and has began to slowly bring his stuff over and has asked to move in but I have said that there isn't enough room. Help please, don't know how to handle this.

[Fr_Chuck]

You run not walk, away, NOW. This is common for battered women, who will soon start to feel the beating is their fault, or they deserve it.

Why is he not in jail, why have you not called the police when this happens?

[Jake2008]

If these fights are fueled by drinking, and both of you are being physically abusive with each other, then the two of you, together, are a heartbeat away from both landing in jail- or worse.

You can identify the problems, at least as far as him knowing what buttons to push to get an argument going- i.e. your family, carefully chosen words about you personally, etc. I suspect you do the same to him, and know which buttons to press.

Neither of you are going to improve what is not fixable.

For the sake of your children, get out.

Consider counselling to gain the insight and understanding you need in order to a) not take him back, and b) figure out how to live a healthier life with a sober outlook.

There are many resources available to you to being changing yourself, and providing a better life for your children as a result.

The biggest problem you face right now, is deciding to change, and making it happen. Nobody can do that for you.

[Dee75]

When I say I 'retaliate', I mean I am defensive when he starts. I don't push his buttons at all, I've never been that way. I did try to call the police one occasion and he grabbed my phone and threw it out of the window. I know that I must get away but I am scared of his reaction when I tell him and I think that is one of the reasons I've been delaying it for so long. It's not just his immediate reaction but the begging and pleading that will follow. I don't consider that I have a problem with alcohol as the most I will drink is 2 or 3 glasses of wine, maybe once a fortnight and we don't fight every time because mostly I hold my tongue when he starts but when I do defend myself that's when the trouble starts.

[talaniman]

Get rid of him, and stop drinking. Problem solved. Then you can keep working on yourself esteem, and make your kids, and family happy, and all of you safe from this drunk bully.

I agree, you should have been gone long ago.

[Homegirl 50]

Do you have a friend who can be around when you tell him you don't want to see him anymore.
Tell him over the phone, if he gets physical with you have him arrested.

[vanheart]

I would lock the doors, call the authorities & get far away from him.

Talk to some local social services. Now. Protect yourself.

Figure out later why you took him back. Do you like his treatment?

Drunk bully is right!
You're letting him.

It takes two.

"it's never been a smooth relationship"

[Jake2008]

We don't live together, he comes to my house 5 times a week

Have the police ever been called to your house? Have you considered a restraining order against him? Why haven't you had or asked for police assistance to have him removed from your home when things turn violent.

You will need to get support by having someone with you, when you tell him, he is no longer welcome in your home. Give him an hour to get his gear out. Be prepared the same day to have the locks changed, and as soon as you can, get a restraining order.

I hope he doesn't have access to your banking, or that you share any financial resources with him, i.e. credit cards.

[Dee75]

Thank you for all your answers. I wanted to provide an update because the responses helped me. It all came to a head very suddenly and I didn't really have to do anything. One afternoon, we had been arguing and I told him that things weren't working out and that I felt it would be better if we ended the relationship. My two sons (15 and 20) were in the house at the time and we were in the bedroom. He called me a slag and then proceeded to say that I was a slag because I had slept with him the previous week. My eldest son overheard him and came into the bedroom shouting at him and basically saying 'how dare he call his mum a slag', unfortunately my son also threatened to hit him if he didn't leave the house immediately; which he did. Problem is... I still have a lot of his stuff and I owe him some money so he is constantly on the phone and texting asking for it all. I want to give it him back but I don't want to see him again. He is also threatening to go to the police and tell them that my son threatened him ! After all he put me through tut.

[Homegirl 50]

Give him a date that he can pick up his things. Set them in a box outside, then you don't have to deal with him.
I doubt he will call the police on your son. This is just his way of controlling the situation.

[talaniman]

Doesn't matter what he says, pack up his stuff and ignore him. Even if you did repay him, he would find an excuse to bother you, so keep the money. You need it more than he does. But that's just me and my evil thinking.

[Dee75]

Thanks, I've been ignoring him but the texts don't stop and are getting more detailed. This is what happened last time I broke up with him; he just wouldn't leave me alone to get on with my life. Every time I turn on my phone there are texts from him. He even resorted to texting my 16 yr old daughter last night telling her how he knew people who were police officers and was going to report my son for threatening him so I replied to him and reiterated that it was over and that he should come and get his belongings.

Its as though he doesn't understand what I am saying. I turned my phone on this morning and there were 10 text messages with various threats and nasty words about how I have used him (for what I really don't know; he helped me move house a few weeks ago, he lent me money for a rental deposit but that's it). I think he has a screw loose and wish he would just leave me to gather my thoughts and move on.

[Homegirl 50]

You need to report him for harassment. Save all of the texts

[Dee75]

I would report him but I am scared that he will drag my son into it for threatening him. Its been over a week now and the attempted contact from him is worse. He is now saying that he is going to get other people involved to harm my son but if I go to the police about it he will just say that he was threatened. I sent most of his things back to him in a box but he is pestering for a couple of things I forgot and saying that he wants to meet me to get the money I owe him. He says he will not come to my house because of what happened. Obviously I will not meet him but until I give him everything, he has every reason to try and stay in contact. Really fed up with it all and I have important things going on at work next week which I am unable to think about clearly.

[Just Looking]

He's counting on the fact that you will eventually give in because you did before. Stick to this break-up. You are obviously afraid of him and for good reason. If you have some of his things, can you send them to him? Is there a mutual acquaintance who could give him his things? Do it now so you can get on with your life.

About the texts and calls to you and your daughter, look into having his number blocked. Of course, he could still call or text from another phone. I was receiving anonymous calls over about a two month period earlier this year. They were more annoying than anything, but I decided to change my number. The phone company didn't charge me anything because of my reason to change my number. I thought it was going to be a big hassle as I'd had the number for years, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I let my contacts know, and then enjoyed the end of the calls.

I think this statement of yours, "Obviously I will not meet him but until I give him everything, he has every reason to try and stay in contact," is making excuses for his bad behavior. I also hope you aren't letting him see your fear at his threat to go to the police about your son. It seems to me it is an idle threat as his behavior has been much worse than your son's protecting you. You son didn't even touch him. If you have kept his threatening texts, you have the proof you need. Until you take care of things, you won't be thinking as clearly as you want. Get this bully completely out of your life and start healing now. Don't give him anything more to work with (i.e. don't talk to him or respond to him). It will be a huge weight off your shoulders. Good luck.

[Dee75]

I have decided to change my number, my new SIM card should be arriving tomorrow so that will be better. I am going to get some postal orders and send the money to him via special delivery and I also have a couple of bulky coats that I will send by parcel. The texts got too much for me, they turned really nasty and I have saved some of them but not all as he jammed up by inbox. I also began to get drunken calls last night so feel that it is definitely for the best to change my number. I just hope he doesn't follow through on his threats to send people to my house as a later date because he has indicated that he wants revenge and that I have 'ruined his life'. That is my only worry now.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my problem, I don't have many friends and it really helps to be able to tap into a resource like this site.

[Just Looking]

I'm glad you are taking those positive steps. The most important thing here is consistency. Keep avoiding him. Don't respond to him in any way. Get rid of his stuff as you plan, and even if he thanks you don't respond. He will likely try a few ways to get you to respond, including his drunken calls, nasty texts, and even trying to be nice. Don't be surprised if you receive flowers, apologies, etc. Whatever you do, don't respond. Remember, he has shown his true self to be a bully and likely dangerous.

You didn't ruin his life. He did. He's trying to make you feel guilty so you'll get involved again. Don't fall for it. Keep on this course and you will start feeling stronger and more in control as time passes. If you ever have any doubts, read this thread over again. You are doing the right thing. If you feel you are in danger, talk to the police.

I would suggest that you start putting some thought into what you want to do with your life now. Keep it positive. You may not have many friends now, but you have your kids and your parents. You also have all of us. We will help you get through this and will celebrate your victories with you. When you feel down, post about it. When you have a good day, post about it. You will get a lot of support here. Again, good luck.

[vanheart]

Good for you! Keep that up.

Also tell everyone what you are doing, authorities included. There's no shame in that. (They will be glad you did so)
Keep close contact w/friends & family. Try to not travel, walk alone & such.
Be careful.

I hope he gets the message & leaves you alone, once & for good.

Not trying to worry you, but I've seen some similar situations that have escalated tragically.
Just be smart & conscious.

[Dee75]

My new number arrived so that is changed now, which has made it better. I also blocked his emails but I can't block my work email so he has resorted to that now. What seems to be getting to me now is the feeling that when he sends an email saying how 'it is digusting, the way I have treated him and the way I am ignoring him' I need to somehow defend myself and begin explaining myself all over again. I haven't replied though. Still not sent his stuff back yet but planning to do so on Saturday morning. He also said that he wants the money I owe him in cash but that's not really possible as I don't want to see him and don't want to send it through the post so not sure about that one. Postal orders will leave me out of pocket as I have to pay £12.50 for every £250 order. I may just send him a cheque with a note 'it's this or nothing'.

[Homegirl 50]

Once again, save all the correspondence you get from him so you have proof of harassment. Don't respond to him. Get his stuff to him then he should have no reason to contact you.