Scared of him and scared of ending my relationship... again
Hi
Although I am a mature, divorced woman with children, I don't know how to handle my current situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years and it's never been a smooth relationship and I probably should have got out a long time ago but I believe I have had issues with self-esteem, which I am slowly trying to improve. I actually ended the relationship after 6 months but he begged, pleaded and made me feel guilty for doing so; I eventually let him back into my life. 18 months later and I have decided 100% that this relationship is not healthy. However, I am afraid of him for the following reasons:-
On several occasions, usually after we have been drinking alcohol, he becomes very opinionated and starts belittling me and my family so I retaliate (having the courage to because I've had a couple of drinks) and it often escalates into physical violence with him striking the first push or slap, I try to walk away but he physically stands in my way, as though he wants me to hit back, which I have sometimes done. Last week this happened and I was trying to get away when he slammed my head into the wall and split it open. Thank fully I didn't need hospital treatment. In the morning he is always sorry and puts it down to the fact that we were drunk.
Now, I know this isn't right, I also know that I probably should steer clear of alcohol if this is what happens but I have become to think that if we can't enjoy a civilised evening out and a few drinks - what is the point in continuing?
I have tried to end the relationship a few times but when I have done so, he glares at me and clenches his fists and says that he will not let it happen. He then makes me sit and listen to him for hours whilst he calls me names, threatens to tell people secrets I have divulged to him and for these reasons I have been just hanging on in there, trying to make things OK and telling myself that I am the problem, I am low in self-esteem and I need to get a grip but it's not working - I am actually going a bit crazy with it all.
My kids don't like him that much (they say he is odd), I know my parents don't approve of him (they haven't said so but I know my parents!), my friends are dropping like flies. I need to get out but I don't have the courage or the drive to.
It hasn't been constantly bad, there have been good times but the bad is always there in the background waiting to raise its head on the next occasion. We don't agree on many things, he is racist, he calls other women 'slags' and he speaks in a nasty way about ex-girlfriends and his ex-wife. He loses his temper with other road users, he is very very opinionated and doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut so as to avoid upsetting people, he just doesn't care. Don't know what to do, think its all my own fault for letting it get this far. We don't live together, he comes to my house 5 times a week and has began to slowly bring his stuff over and has asked to move in but I have said that there isn't enough room. Help please, don't know how to handle this.