[greentree30]

I've been with my husband for 9 years. We've been married for 2 of those years. Since the beginning of our relationship I almost always initiated sexual stuff. After the first year or so, I started to feel rejected. So I started to tell him I'd like him to come onto me. He still rarely did. Over time I've started to feel really sad and rejected about it. There have been times he said he's "just not a very sexual guy". Or he's too tired. I told him it's not about the sex for me, it's mostly about the feeling of closeness and intimacy I get from it. And that it makes me feel loved. He says that he does want me, but he doesn't necessarily feel closer to me by having sex/ doing sexual things. He said he feels more close to me just by holding my hand, snuggling, hugging, etc. He is very affectionate towards me but 90% of the time it's just in a hugging/ holding hands kind of way. He tells me he loves me many times a day. But I just don't understand how he doesn't feel closer/ feel intimacy from being sexual/ making out etc? That hurts my feelings that he doesn't feel the closeness that I do.

Not only that, but I can't be my natural self with him sexually. I have to hold back. I am not into anything out of the ordinary. I just want to kiss on his neck and chest etc, but he's too ticklish. He pretty much doesn't like to be kissed anywhere except his lips and his d*ck. Maybe little pecks on the cheek. But I want to kiss him on his neck.. chest.. wherever, and not hold back! Also he doesn't like to tilt his head when we kiss. He wants our faces to be straight. Ugh. So I kiss that way for him. And every time I tilt my head a little bit he tilts his head the same way, so our faces stay straight with each other. I know I'm not strange for naturally wanting to tilt my head when kissing, right! I mean it's just easier to breath if you tilt your head! Our noses get in the way when we are facing straight. After several years of holding myself back intimately (even just making out), it is very frustrating and I feel really rejected and have become really insecure. Years ago I tried to gently tell him to tilt his head a bit but he says it feels "weird". Also I tried sucking his tongue a little or him sucking mine, well that feels weird. So many things feel weird to him. :-/ I guess he is just very uptight/ tickle-ish/ not that sexual. But it breaks my heart because that is a big part of how I express my love.

I've had several boyfriends before him and they all loved the way I kissed and everything else. And being sexual was never ever an issue with any guy before him. I had a few long term relationships before him and it was great (in the sex department). I used to feel very confident in that area. And I don't think I'm a super horny person, just average. I am not trying to have sex all the time.

We don't have a "sexless" marriage. But at least half of the times we're sexual it's because I got upset first, and he is trying to make it up to me. I get upset because it's been a while and I'll be crying and he'll ask what's wrong.. I tell him.. so THEN he comes onto me. But that defeats the whole purpose to me, I want him to want me sometimes, you know? And yes he does very occasionally come onto me, but it is purely because he's horny. Not because he just wants to feel close to me. He really can not relate to feeling closer to me through making out or sex. I don't understand that?

Please help, any advice at all would be appreciated! We have sex about 1-3 times a month, but like I said a lot of the sex happened because I ended up getting upset first because he hardly ever initiates it.. and then once I'm upset he'll sometimes finally come onto me. I know all this does not sound good, but besides this we are really great together. We love each other very much.

I sometimes wish I could just not ever come onto him and then see how long it would take for him to come onto me. But after weeks of nothing I can't help but get frustrated and sad. Then angry. And he can tell something is wrong. I would turn into an angry cold ***** if we never did it. Please help! Is there hope? I keep hoping he'll change somehow (like if I lose weight and I dressed sexy), even though I've been thin/ average at least half of the time we've been together and this still was a problem. ;-/
Sorry so long...

P.s. He isn't gay, so that's not the problem. Nothing is wrong with being gay, I'm just saying I know that isn't the issue.

Advice!

[greentree30]

My last post was very long and possibly confusing (but I'd still love some answers!). So I'm going to shorten up my question. Basically my husband doesn't feel any passion/ emotional closeness when we makeout or have sex (he never has). He only wants it when he's horny (which is not often, once or twice a month if I'm lucky). He says he feels closest to me just holding hands or hugging. I don't think it's me. I think he's never actually felt passion. But he says he loves me (many times a day). I don't understand how that's possible, but that seems to be how he naturally is.

If you're in love is it possible for someone to not feel passion? Or not feel that warm cuddly in love feeling from sex? I don't think he is "asexual" because he does get horny occasionally. And I thought maybe he has low testosterone but he's been tested and it's in normal range.

[QLP]

Whilst some people do have naturally low sex drives he does also sound pretty uptight about things. Did he have a very strict and/or relilgious upbringing? Do you know if he ever had a very negative or inappropriate sexual encounter?

How is he in non-sexual situations? Is he generally relaxed and OK about people/socialising/trying new things? Or is he very rigid and finds lots of things difficult unless he has control and knows the routine?

I'm not trying to imply any conclusions here - just fishing around trying to get a bit more understanding.

[greentree30]

QLP, Thanks for your response. Yes he did have a religious upbringing and not really "strict" but he always followed the rules growing up.. he kind of had a "leave it to beaver" upbringing. To this day he's never had an argument with his parents! (He's 30).

He has never had a negative or inappropriate sexual encounter, but all through school (elementary through highschool) he was made fun of A lot. He was considered a nerd. He has told me that that's why he thinks he's so insecure. He's told me before that no girl was ever interested in him through school so that mentality has stuck with him. He has been with 2 girls before me, but it was like a one time thing.. no relationships.

I've told him I want him and he knows that. And I think he's sexy etc. But I guess thinking he's unworthy for so long has stuck with him? I don't know. I get why he would be like this for a while.. but we've been together 9 years and he knows I want him!

In non-sexual situations he's great! Very friendly, sweet, easy to talk to, and relaxed. He's actually gotten me out of my shell (I used to be shy).

But if friends ever talk about sexual subjects he says it makes him uncomfortable. He isn't really into new things. But for the most part, (in social settings) he goes with the flow. I just wouldn't call him "adventurous".

He has always been an anxious person/ worries a lot. But that is usually about financial or work issues.

[QLP]

It sounds like he has some self-esteem issues and has put up some blocks around his feelings with regard to sex. The big question is - does he want to fix it? If he does, would he consider counselling? If you have to be the one to broach this with him it has to be about what you can both get out of it as a couple, not be put forward as a way of fixing him because you are dis-satisfied. You have started to feel sad and rejected so it would help you too.

You might find this has a few interesting thoughts:

How to be an emotional genius Healthy – Your Natural Health Expert

The bottom line though is if he feels everything is OK as it is then this is how things are likely to continue to be.