[fightnfailure]

This is from both of us... husband and wife, wife is writing this just to ave something of a third party view so we both can have reality sitting in front of us. I will write this as unbiased as I possibly can.

I complain a lot. My husband drinks everyday. Most my complaining is cause of things that are said, or fact of, or anything revolving around my husband drinking. I feel he is an alcoholic, he knows he is not. I have a short fuse when he drinks because he turns into someone I don't like. I quit drinking before I turned 21 due to alcohol poisoning and can smell if someone took only one drink. I instantly get mad when I smell it on him.
Infidelity and physical and mental abuse have occurred while he is drinking. Due to the infidelity and multiple close catches I don't like him 'going out' all night or at all, yes I am paranoid he will drink and not be able to control his behaviors sexually. I am paranoid all the time about this. I just feel at over 30 yrs old this should be a thing of the past as where I'm a few yrs from 30 and don't understand how he doesn't feel the same way. I know, not every ones the same.

Yes he has a job. And has only missed a small amout of days due to him drinking (like 1 or 2 this yr), I do hand that credit to him cause if he comes home at 3a and has to be at work at 6a he will go with little vebal shove from me. Why does he drink? Ask him and he tells me its because of me, its my fault he drinks. I tell him that's unaccountable because I do not physically pour alcohol down his throat. He hides his drinking that he does at home from me and denies it most all of the time.

I have no life. I work and come home to try to spend time with my son and husband. The most I go out by myself is my weekly trips to walmart to do shopping for the house. We use to do it together but he doesn't really want to go with me anywhere any more and won't let me go with him anywhere. We do take weekly Saturday trips to the city for some shopping and family visiting together. Honestly its not the most joyfulest trips and if we look happy in front of the family its usually an act.

He tells me I'm so selfish. I tell him he is the one that is selfish. I have a hard time putting the past behind me because I believe that things are proven through actions. I tell him I have never cheated on him, he doesn't believe me. I get accused almost everyday, I guess he doesn't believe me that I actually go to work and work. I have offered to bring print out of all my clock in and outs home but he does not want to see them. I don't call him names other than selfish and an ***hole, I get call b*****a*s and fat and nasty and what ever you can possibly think. Honestly id call him other things cause its away to release anger however if he has been drinking he can't control his anger and can get physical.
I helped him once for a possible situation with his PO and after all was done he ended up getting a UTI (I forewarned him of this, and him smoking was of course my fault I was told)... anyways after his meeting he got really drunk and I just got home from work and had our son and long story short I ended up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes and several really bad knots on my head + other minor scraps. After all had settled down the next day I was told that he reacted cause he thought that I had given him a STD by cheating on him. I even took him to the doctor, $100 later it was diagnosed as a UTI. Only person I told that my husband had done that to me was my boss because I have that kind of relationship with her. Anyone else heard a lie. There's many situations like that however I guess I complain so much because I can't understand why he does so many evil things to me when I have always been by his side, thro the infidelity, thro jail, thro prison. I don't keep bringing those things up because I want to rub it in his face its because I want to be acknowledged that I am supportive and don't feel I deserve the neglect and want the attention a wife needs from a husband.

He does have good days however I think we have had maybe 1 or 2 in the last 2 n half weeks. I just want to feel cared about. I don't want drinking to be more important than me or our son. I have done research on alcoholism and A-ALAN groups but I keep a lot of our problems private because I don't want others including family to know about our problems, I want them to see that everything is great. We both play that game in front of family. Our fights do get public sometimes when has drunk and screams things out side about me. I usually yell back but in hurt from what he wants to scream about me.

I don't want to give up on our family but I feel like I can hardly call that that anymore. I tell him I love him or text it during the day... On good days I get it back or at tymes he even says it first. I just can't stand the auto response of 'no you don't' 70% of the time. I know material things aren't the answer but I always get the fav things he likes to eat, or surprise him with something small that I found, just various things here and there. He ruins my birthday, I try to make his the best I can. However due to financial reasons I was little down on the things I couldn't do for him this birthday couple weeks ago. I get joy out of finding him a shirt or something here or there. I get a sense of joy knowing that I manage all fines, bills, everything for him so he doesn't have to worry about anything but to show up for appts. I stress anyway so I might as well take as much stress out of his life as I can. No point of two people stressn over the same thing. I do amit I keep the family in running order and on pursposly take on most responsibilities that we have, has a little to do with my OCD. I know I control a lot but those are issues I'm slowly working on as well.

One thing that bothers me is when a person doesn't feel man and woman have equal rights. Its just kind of a new issue that's been brought up. Man: work and pay bills... woman: take care of the house and child.
But, I also work full time and pay bills. We both clean. I may a little more then him in the child's area but only because it just has to be perfect when it comes to our son.

I guess my point in writing this is to get outside insight. Maybe he will at least listen since its not coming from me. Or maybe its me that needs to see things from someone else perspective cause I don't agree with what he says about me. This for me is another effort of trying to make or marriage happy again, I hate being told I'm hated, it hurts and I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Wondergirl]

If I could, I would immediately invite the two of you over for coffee and brownies (I make good ones!), and the three of us would sit around my kitchen table and pow-wow. Or better yet, since you have a young family, you could invite me over and I'd bring my brownies and you'd supply the coffee and kitchen table.

By the way, I'm a roving counselor.

In other words, both of you find and start seeing a marriage counselor to sort through some of this. You may not get brownies, but I'm sure you'll get some help in finding new ways to relate to each other, and together put together some short- and long-term goals.

Now, what do you think about that? Is he willing? Are you?

Let me know after you put your heads together. I'll be here.

[QLP]

... he can't control his anger and can get physical.
...anyways after his meeting he got really drunk and I just got home from work and had our son and long story short I ended up with 3 broken ribs, 2 black eyes and several really bad knots on my head + other minor scraps. After all had settled down the next day I was told that he reacted cause he thought that I had given him a STD by cheating on him.

This part of your story really alarms me. Whilst I do agree counselling would be a good idea I also think you two should be apart whilst you go through that counselling. Your husband might not want to hear this but there is no justification for him physically attacking you. Him trying to justify it because he thought, with no good reason, that you had given him an STD, is typical behaviour of an abuser with anger management issues.

I'm sorry to say that I also suspect he may be an alcoholic. I can't make that diagnosis, only a medical professional can. However, my father is a full-blown alcoholic with every symptom in the book and he is still in denial and says he could, 'stop drinking tomorrow' if he wanted to, but of course he never wants to. Now, I don't get the impression your partner drinks as much as my father, but I do wonder if he could and would be willing to not drink for a period, in order to allow you both to communicate soberly.

With physical violence, lack of trust, a potential drink problem and all the rest that is going on I strongly suggest you both get some professional help. I also think the research you did on al-anon and the like you should follow through. Instead of worrying so much about how your marriage looks to the outside world I would worry about how it actually is.

There's no shame at all in admitting you have problems and need some help. For either of you.

Stay safe.

[fightnfailure]

Thank you both for your imput. Well I have been wanting to go to marriage counsiling for a while now. HE DOES NOT, because of course he does not have a problem. Its every one else that does. Hes just so angry. Truly believes that everyone in the world is out to get him, that's his reasoning on why he is so hateful. Even to his own wife. Hes mean and disrespectful all the time to me lately. No smiles from him, no good tymes... nothing but hate. At tymes I can tell he wants to have fun with me but he sucks that in faster than speed of light. Im miserable at home. I try so hard to get things positive but its so hard when your home is filled with negativity. The death threats when he's angry get old.. the I hate yous get old. The everything is wrong about me gets old and the immaturaty gets really old. I can't sink anything into his head.
On the comment of separating while going thro counciling, I just don't like that idea cause lord knows what things would happen being apart. I just am at my ends but if I lose my composure then he has to lose it worse. I love this man to the end of the world and we have been through a lot but I just can't get in to him anymore. I think if I just go about my days, do what I need to do its just going to get harder for me to get in when I try. I deserve to be treated like I'm someone. Ive bent my back over backwards but that doesn't mean anything to him as he says so what :-( always threats of I'm not going to be here for ever. I tell him if you can live your life with out me and your son then I feel sorry for you

[fightnfailure]

I understan now what you meant of going through it separately. Yes, I would agree to that but I can't him to agree to go. I'm sure I could make the appt and just tell him togo but I am not sure if that would work

[Fr_Chuck]

If he has missed one day or even a few hours of work because of drinking he has a problem. If he drinks every day and will not admit he has a problem, he has a problem.
He needs to look in to AA and you need to get into one of their support groups for spouses that are refuse to admit their problem.


That is only part of the problem, but a big part, marriage counseling is for people who don't have "problems" but don't know how to communicate to each other.

[Wondergirl]

Then YOU go for counseling alone. You'll learn how to cope. I'm guessing that the counselor will invite him to come to a session eventually. I never had a reluctant spouse turn that down. I remember one who was a full-blown alcoholic. He was going to set me straight.

[QLP]

You can make a start by getting some counselling on your own. I know that won't solve all the problems, certainly not those that he doesn't accept he has, but it might help you to see things clearly and develop some plans and coping strategies.

Just maybe if sees you getting something out of it he would be tempted to come along out of curiosity himself, or if only to say his piece.

You really shouldn't have to go on like this. With death threats and physical violence I really am worried for your safety. Please think about talking to someone yourself.

Edit -Was typing at the same time as Wondergirl, so the posts seem similar.

[fightnfailure]

About a month ago we got into it big like when he hurt me bad. I was scared and I went to the mental health emergency consilor. Well instead of setn me up with a regular person he informed me that I seem to have all the facts in place and that there's not much anyone else can do to help. I know I have knowledge, cause I research constantly about anything in my life but my life is not better. I just felt better talking when I went in. So instead of presueing to set up a regular thing I just left it at that. I want someone to have the answer and I know that there will only be support and not a right answer. I really am interested in the a-alnon groups but can't find myself to go. But I'm really consitering it right now. He just left again, to go drink and he's been drinking all day. It use to bother me so much but right now I'm so numb that I really don't care much. My main worry is him getting in trouble. Hes on parole and I caught him at the bars for the last 4 fridays in a row. The first one I saved his but and drug him out when I heard him name ran over the scanner. Our luck that police couldn't make sense when they turned it in to his PO and that we had already calld and reported cause techincally he could have gone to prison on that right there for 8 yrs. Why does he not get it. Why does he tell me I've done nothing for him for the 8yrs we have been together? When he didn't have a job I workd double. He cheated on me, excuse was I wasn't takn care of my business.. hell id wake up crying cause I was so tired and would have to go right back to work for another 16hrs. When he was in prison. I worked 80hrs a week. I caught the H1N1 virus and was almost hospitalized but all I could do was cry cause I couldn't go to work to support my family. I stuck by him through EVERYTHING. How have I done nothing for him. Hes sounding so pathetic and immature but yet he says I'm the one sounding like that. I don't know... im just venting cause I have no one to talk to. But your guys support helps me get in the notion to get on myself about doing the things I know I need to do..

Ps.. sorry my spelling is and always has been horrible... my excuse... I work with doctors for a living... They can't spell worth crap! Ppl just think they can cause no one can read their writing hehe

[Wondergirl]

What can I do to help? I can't drive you to Al-Anon, but I bet you can get there if I push you a bit, maybe?

[Wondergirl]

Or Google for marriage counselor or counselor and your town name.

[fightnfailure]

First thing tomorrow I'm going to find out where a Al-anon is at and from then I'm going to look into counciling

[Wondergirl]

First thing tommorrow im going to find out where a Al-anon is at and from then im going to look into counciling

There should be AA and Al-Anon meetings in your immediate area. And good for you for looking for a counselor. Like I said, you can Google for both of those if you include your town name.

Please keep us informed!

[talaniman]

I can't help your husband until he is convinced he needs help, and wants it. But I can help you. Stop enabling his behavior, and bad acts, by allowing them in your house. When he is sober tell him straight up not to come home drunk, or after he has had a drink. If he does, leave, and have a place to go for a while.

Drunks are dangerous, and when I was one, I was dangerous. He may have little control of himself now as long as he drinks, but forget him, protect yourself, and your kids from him. That's your priority, and as cruel as it sounds, until he gets to the point of losing all he works for, and lives for, he will continue down the path he is on until he ends up in jail, a crazy house or dead.

You never argue with a drunk, especially a dangerous one, you leave, and get to a safe place. So make a plan to be in a safe place, and stick to your guns, and no more coddling his affliction. It will get worse, not better, and you must never support, or allow him to behave this way. Do not hesitate to call for help if you need it, a friend, family, or a cop. You were lucky before, but never count on luck to get you through his antics.

When he hits rock bottom, he will either change, or wallow in his own sh1t, and you must let him.

Kind of hard I know, but that's what they will tell you at Alanon, never feed the beast. The beast is dangerous, and out of control when you do. Get educated, and that's where the healing can begin for you, and hopefully for him, but he stands no chance at all of recovering, as long as you allow him to do what he is doing.

Show this thread to him, as I would love to speak directly to him, and hear what he has to say.

Alcoholism is but a symptom of a greater hurt that needs addressing, but you have to be sober to find it, and honest when you look for what it is that changes a good man, into a dangerous beast.

You can't find it for him, he must find it, face it, and resolve it for himself. All you can do is know you are dealing with a dangerous person, and do whatever it takes to protect yourself.

I wish you luck in that. The good news is there is help for any that want it. If you want it then YOU get it for yourself, and when he wants it, he can get it himself too, then you can help. Until that happens though, caution, and protection. Safety first.