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mizzusraven · Jun 5, 2011, 10:08 PM

My husband and I have been together for 16 years now. Just a few minutes ago my second oldest son, Meschaquin (13 yrs.), came downstairs telling us to be quiet and stop arguing. I'm exhausted and tired of all of this. It's the same situation, but different aspects. I want to be happy every day. I want to go somewhere without the guilt, harassment, and shame of wanting to be me.
My son's and my daughters (we have four sons, a daughter, and two adopted daughters.), are constantly upset it seems that we argue. If it's not something at home it's something that happened years ago. I've stayed home with my kids since they were born. I barely have a social life outside of home and when I do it's so weighed down by everything he has to say to me. I'm sick of the silent treatment and the outbursts of anger. I was raised in an abusive home and I HATE that my kids have to endure this all. I do love my husband and we have had our terrific times, but I'm so scared of the affect it's having on my children.
My 4 year old told his Dad to shut up this evening. We were reminiscing over old photos, cards, kids drawings, and my report card from the 9th grade. Suddenly, there were questions about my ex-boyfriends. FROM THE 9TH GRADE!! I'm 33 now and he's 36. ***?? He was unfaithful two years ago and accused me of starting it. I, being enraged, went out and found myself a hunky Romainion for a night. He was with her for 6 weeks and I WAS THE BAD ONE. I know that two wrongs don't make a right, but MAN!
For the first ENTIRE 13 years of our marriage I stayed home and raised the kids. I helped him through college and university. He got his degree and started working. I helped him create his own consulting business and the money poured in. We were loaded. Ironically, he's a social worker and helps other people immmensely. I just stayed home and for 7 years NEVER WENT ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM. I finally went on a trip alone and MAN!. the guilt and mental abuse I had to endure. I don't know. Maybe I should just "hush up and think about the good and not the bad." My Mom's famous phrase. I'm sorry. I probably bummed so many of you out. He is there for our kids. I just feel so drained and exhausted... I don't know. I want to give up, but I don't know how. I still have kids to raise and am now a grand mother as well. My adopted girl, Shannon (20 yrs.) had a baby girl. I'm SO LOST.

Wondergirl · Jun 5, 2011, 10:22 PM

It sounds like you need a life away from the house and children. What country are you in? Are there such places as churches, libraries, shopping malls, volunteer possibilities such as hospitals or animal shelters? What do you do all day while the children are in school? Do you have women friends who will come to your house or you go to theirs for coffee?

mizzusraven · Jun 6, 2011, 09:41 AM

Yes, I do, but it seems to be a controlled environment. I have to answer a zillion questions it seems, so I usually just don't bother at all. I spoke to my husband last night, however, and told him I had enough. He bawled his eyes out, but I told him, "If you're going to cry like that I'm going to let you out here. I don't have the time or patience for this anymore. You have one week to SHOW me that things are going to be different because I'm ready to kick you to the curb. I definitely don't mind being friends, but I won't be your wife. So suck it up and think hard. Do you want to save our marriage?" He cried still, but quietly. I had just gone for a milk and bread run to Metro, so I shut the van off and came inside. I went to bed. We're slowly starting to talk, but it's all getting the kids ready for school kind of thing.
I'm going to wait and see what he does today and for the rest of the week. I have enough support and help to get me through a divorce. I have no qualms, but I would love to save my marriage. If not, another path must be taken. I feel better after getting some sleep. :) Thank you for your response and questions. I love this site. I didn't know it existed. I was so melancholy last night that in frustration I just typed the question and this site popped up. I thought to myself, "There IS a God." LOL. I will be staying on here from now on, if that's okay? I feel like I'm safe and not alone. :)

Wondergirl · Jun 6, 2011, 10:02 AM

Originally Posted by mizzusraven

Yes, I do, but it seems to be a controlled environment. I have tI love this site. I didn't know it existed. I was so melancholy last night that in frustration I just typed the question and this site popped up. I thought to myself, "There IS a God." LOL. I will be staying on here from now on, if that's okay? I feel like I'm safe and not alone. :)

I love this site too and hope you stick around. Not only will we want to know how your story plays out, but also hope you will contribute to help others who are struggling.

Synnen · Jun 6, 2011, 10:39 AM

Have you looked into marriage counseling?

Your marriage (and your husband) will probably not change without it.

Jake2008 · Jun 7, 2011, 04:41 AM

You have 7 children- that IS a full time job, with unpaid overtime and obviously no benefits. If you consider the value of what you do, to the value of what your husband brings in- the cash- neither can operate without the other. Sadly it seems the roles are sometimes defined by who is more important, and more deserving of 'being in charge', as opposed to equal partners, working toward the same goals.

The arguing, and the 'cost' of that, to all your children, is apparent, and needs to stop. Until you and your husband work things out without affecting your children to the point where one of your sons asks you to stop arguing, things will not improve. Insisting that HE change, while the two of you do not change togetheris only a temporary measure that will not last. And, your children will continue to see, feel, and learn what you are teaching them. And that is, what you are doing, is eventually what they will think as 'normal'. It is not.

If you truly want to save your marriage, and learn how to communicate more effectively to bring about lasting change, get yourselves into counselling. There is already too much history of unresolved issues such as affairs, dishonesty, and no direction between the two of you.

Only when you are strong enough to face the problems in your marriage, together, and do the work, will there ever be any hope of resolving anything.

For the sake of your children, I don't think counselling is optional, it is a must.

mizzusraven · Jun 7, 2011, 05:27 AM

Wow. No beating around the bush with you. LOL. That's awesome though. Yes, I have been thinking about it. My habit of dealing with the arguing. I usually walk away from room to room, but there are times when I do become frustrated and let the fury fly. I'm not denying that. I am putting myself into therapy. I've already contacted them actually. :) I will be attending therapy sessions alone for the time being until we can BOTH agree on a counselor we can both see. Thanks a bunch Jake.