[mrw87]

This is kind of weird I've never done this before.

I was with my ex-girlfriend for 4 years, we met back in college during our freshman year, we have never had an argument and always loved being with each other. After college I moved to her home town and lived with her. We were so excited and happy, I moved everything I had to be with her I transferred my car, license everything it cost me a lot of money to do it, but I didn't care because I was with her and loved her so much. Since last October things started to change all her friends became my friends, I didn't know many people and felt closed in and up tight all the time. I always felt I was cleaning up after her and her new dog. So I started to visit my family at least twice a month and visiting other friends. I started talking to a girl from 3 years back just a friend someone I could really vent too. I never did anything with her at all, but I just needed to vent and actually feel like I had someone. She invited me to her place, meet her family and visit New York City since I've never been. I lied to my girlfriend and told her I was going to visit one of my friends in D.C. I know I shouldn't have and I regret even going up to New York City. My girlfriend had an idea something was going on with this girl since I talked to her all the time, yet she was the only person I felt I could talk to since my ex-girlfriends reactions were unpredictable.


I never wanted to hurt her but just needed time away. To make it quick, our 4 years together was in March I went to Vegas on business, while I was in Vegas I didn't talk to anyone not even my ex-girlfriend and things started to become clear, I went shopping for engagement rings and started to really think about marrying her. My ex picked me up from the airport and as soon as a dropped my bag and gave her a big hug I knew something wasn't right. The next day she came home and told me that we needed to break up, she just wasn't happy anymore. After figuring out so much in Vegas I was completely devastated and still am.

Well this girl in New York and I started saying things back and forth to each other, and to make it easy my ex went through my phone not once, not twice but three times without me knowing. So that just made everything worse and she found out that I went to New York.

It's been a month and a half since we've broken up, my ex and I talk every now and then, I broke off all communication with any girl I talk to since I can't trust anyone. I love my ex so much she's my life and I told her that, and I would do anything to get her back, I told her I would wait but I can only wait so long. She's confused, she said she liked this one guy but wasn't sure if it would go anywhere, and honestly she's starting to figure out that all the guys around here all they want is ***.

She say's it's going to be a long time before she feels better and stops resenting me. I love her and am still in love with here but she loves me but isn't in love with me. I've done a complete 180 to change myself and my behavior and I want to show her I can be that guy she had at the beginning and wanted to marry. But I'm 23 and I can't wait around for the rest of my life. Everyone tells me to move on, meet girls, take it slow and have a great summer but I can't move on because I have so much love for her.

Right now she's confused about everything going to grad school, jobs, relationships, you name it. I'm just stuck right now and confused about what to do. I invited her over for dinner one night and she was okay with it so we'll see how that goes. Part of me still thinks she's the one, but it takes two to tango. Any advice would help

[dwidrick]

I have been in the same situation as you my friend minus the moving in part after college.
It happened to me as well, things get serious for a while and there comes that point when you start to think that things can go to the next level, which can ultimately make you take a step back and evaluate if that is what you want. Often times this seems to come at the worst possible time and can do what it has done to you and myself... cause the other half to leave and/or need some time as well.

Just going from my experience I know it is a tough time right now and thoughts are based more on emotions than rational. You don't necessarily have to move on just yet but you need to give her space away from you while you simply focus on you and learning from the experience. Forcing things on her right now only pushes her away and keeps you hurting at the same time.

If she really wants to be with you she will realize, after some time not having you around or knowing that you are there for her, that you are the one for her. It may seem like the wrong thing to do in order for her to come back, but as long as she knows where you stand and that you want to be with her, there is nothing more you can really do but give her space and see if she comes around.

[talaniman]

So you see the light after being caught in your lies, and cheating ( even without sex, having a friend you see without your partners knowledge is CHEATING!! ). That's exactly what ruined a perfectly good relationship, and sorry you broke the trust, and she felt she had to snoop.

Can you regain it, and get back in a groove. Only time will tell, but it strikes me as HILARIOUS that you are waiting for her to forgive, and forget YOUR lying and cheating, and are impatient that she hasn't. What an ego!! Sorry guy, but you may as well accept the consequences of your actions, and get in it to win it, or you are lying again, this time to yourself.

Hopefully, she won't fall for it again. Hopefully you learn that its best to be straight, and honest with a partner, because afterward is too late, the harm has been done. But you honestly thought you could visit a female friend behind your girls back, and get away with it? What an ego!!

Seems to me that its you that has to be on good behavior, and do what it takes to rebuild trust. And you can bet she will be looking closely for any signs you are sincere. If you can't do that, then what's the point? If you are not willing to put in the time and work, then what's the point? You screwed up, and you fix it, or forget it.

Really its up to her. She is the one to convince. Convince her, that would be my advice, if you are sincere, and truly sorry about your bad behavior.

[mrw87]

Trust me I've excepted the consequences, and I've learned to just be straight up and honest, that's what I should have done in the first place, and I know rigtht now I do have to be on good behavior as you put it. I am completely sincere and not lying to myself or anyone else about this, I want her back more then anything and I'm willing to do everything and anything to fix it. I know it's all up to her and she know's that to, she needs time and I respect that completely, I can be impatient, I admit that, as far as ego goes I don't have much of one, but I'll giver her as much time as she needs, because she's worth everything to me. Thanks for the advice

[mrw87]

Everyone has told me to give here space, don't call, text, Facebook. It's just hard and seems that would make her get over me more and forget me.

[dwidrick]

That's the same way I felt too. But a month or so of barely contacting my ex and she has essentially re-intiated contact with me.
Everyone is different and you know your ex better than any of us, I am simply speaking from experience.

If your worried about her getting over you from no contact than it wasn't meant to be. But at the least if you feel this way maybe send her a simple message from time to time but nothing to excessive. A simple "hope you have a good day" or "thinking of you" would be sufficient. But you do not want to overdue it.

Good luck, wish you the best :)

[mrw87]

I appreciate the advice, you have a good point. I do kind jestures every now and then to let her know I'm still thinking of here.

[HistorianChick]

If I was in her shoes and the man that I loved and trusted went to visit a girl friend behind my back, that would totally break my trust and yes, make me break up with him. I'm sorry, but you just don't do that.

Relationships are built upon communication and trust. The first problem was that you didn't tell her what was going on in the first place. Whether that was her fault for not including you in her life when you moved there, your fault for not sitting her down and talking to her, or whatever, it was the first sign of trouble.

At that point, when you first started feeling down and out, not involved, and such, you should have sat her down, explained your feelings, and worked together to work it out. You didn't. You poured your heart out to a friend. A woman other than your partner. That was wrong and shows a lack of trust in her.

You can't fix the past. All you can do is change what you have been and become what you know you should have been all along.

But you need to do it because YOU know it is wrong, not because you want to win her back.

At this point, you're lucky she even talks to you. I may just be a "special case," but you "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

You've changed. Awesome. Stay changed. For you. Not for her, not to be what "she needs you to be" or to convince her that you're not the same. Change for you.

You know you're better than you were. That should be enough.

[spitvenom]

When my wife and I started dating she broke up with me. And of course I nagged her and text her all the time and she didn't want to talk to me. Finally I just said ***** it and decided to move on after a month or two of not trying to contact her we saw each other and actually talked everything out calmly and civilized. And to be honest I was actually over her and was so afraid to be in a relationship with her again because I thought she was going to crush me again.

I can't say the same thing will happen with the two of you because we broke up for a different reason. But you need to respect her wishes. Go out have fun that doesn't mean hump every girl like a stray dog but don't sit there waiting for the phone to ring. You are 23 years old in the prime of having fun and doing whatever you want. If you don't you are going to regret it.

[mrw87]

Thank you, I'll respect her wishes completely. I'm not interested in any other girl right now, and I don't know when I ever will be, but I'll do my best to have some fun and live a little, while still being on my best behavior

[mrw87]

I changed because I was turning into a person I didn't want to be and I realized that. I'm doing it for her of course but more importantly myself since I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Our big thing was always communication, both of us lacked in that part and when things went bad both of us found out things about each other that we were to afraid to say to one another. But I screwed up and I'm living with that now.

[scurvydaniel]

I feel you on this one. My ex recently broke up with me and told me she wanted to find herself. That time was what she needed and I shouldn't hold on to her, but I can't help it. I'm madly in love with the girl, but you can't love something that doesn't know if they love you back. Just take time to step back and think about everything. Even if you seem lost now, you'll eventually find your way. That's exactly what I'm doing now.