[fireguy40]

It certainly is but I already have a few so its not just a rash I'm off to get a tattoo moment lol,
Just a little angel to look after me in life and in fires, I had a couple of hairy moments over the years in jobs like buildings collapsing on me and bad back drafts and come through unhurt, so if I can beat that I can beat this recovery process and move on to be happy.
It will also remind me of a time a learnt more about me in 2 months than I ever knew or wanted to admit to previously.

Id be interested in what books you recommend I quite enjoy reading,
Although I must admit I'm a little sceptical of nlp and cbt, (if that is the basis of the books) I was in sales for a long time and have seen many of the techniques used and to be honest I'm not sure how I feel about them.

[redhed35]

Here's a few I've read myself,love loved them,however I'm a 'self help book' junkie.

Daniel goldman... emotional intelligence.

Martha beck.. finding your own north star.

Paulo coelho... the alchemist.

M.scott peck.. the road less travelled.


As far as the NLP goes,the jury is still out on that one,interesting theories though.

[fireguy40]

Thank You ill have a look for them when the shops open, does one jump out more than the others for my situation or is it do difficult to pick one ?

As an off topic aside I think the early days of nlp certainly offered some benefits and using some of the language patterns and anchoring techniques certainly helped me sell a lot of stuff.
I feel that modern day nlp practitioners or even Jedi's (please lol) often see it as a be all end all solution to everything and there is no other way to accomplish anything with out using nlp. Derren browns book trick of the mind has a good discussion on these points and goes into more detail than I would care to but its still a great read.

CBT on the other hand is something I'm still learning about and although it is closely related to nlp I feel it has a more practical approach to its limitations and what can and can't be achieved through its use.


Wow this shows how much better I'm doing, I came here a winny broken man and I'm in a position to talk mental training in a thread about my life lol, thanks everyone :-)

[redhed35]

I think you should browse and get a feel for a book,either it speaks to you or it doesn't.

Ill look into the darren brown,sounds interesting.

It takes a lot to break the human spirit,I think perhaps you were badly scratched and bruised.

But as you see you can live and rediscover a new you.

You are in control now,you have your grip back,hang on to it.

[asking]

Even before I read your comment about wanting kids I was struck by your interest in children. Maybe it might help you process stuff to spend some time working with kids somewhere. I am wondering if there are some issues in your own past -- maybe when you were a kid, maybe not. I know you talked about losing a child a few months ago, obviously, but perhaps there's more even before that? Just a thought.

I agree that communication seems like it was an issue for you, since you and your ex were clearly not on the same page. It's great that you are getting in the habit of communicating here.

[fireguy40]

Even before I read your comment about wanting kids I was struck by your interest in children. Maybe it might help you process stuff to spend some time working with kids somewhere. I am wondering if there are some issues in your own past -- maybe when you were a kid, maybe not. I know you talked about losing a child a few months ago, obviously, but perhaps there's more even before that? Just a thought.

Hi thanks for replying, I'm not sure I understand your question ? How do you mean interest in children ?

[fireguy40]

heres a few ive read myself,love loved them,however im a 'self help book' junkie.

daniel goldman...emotional intelligence.

martha beck..finding your own north star.

paulo coelho...the alchemist.

M.scott peck..the road less travelled.


as far as the NLP goes,the jury is still out on that one,interesting theories though.

Thanks for the recommendations I went with the road less travelled, mainly because it was the only book that when I read a random page I didn't feel that I would need a dictionary to hand to try to understand what the hell was going on ;-0

[asking]

Hi thanks for replying, I'm not sure i understand your question ? how do you mean interest in children ?

Nothing sinister! Just that you seemed to really like your ex's daughter, other remarks you made. You might enjoy volunteering with kids. Giving safety presentations to school kids, big brother.

EDIT: Let me put it another way. Sometimes when people didn't get parented much, they work that out by parenting others. Not saying that's the case with you, but something like that could be motivating you to reach out to kids, which would make the death especially hard for you. These are just vague ideas. The main thing is you have a good impulse, so why not explore it?

[fireguy40]

Hi Asking, thanks for the replyi see now what you meant.
I have always had a serious aversion to kids right up till recently, and I mean a serious aversion!!

All my sisters and brothers have children under ten so I have kind of got used to them and realised to think they are actually pretty cool and kids are really little people without all the hangups major baggage and bollo**s that adults have.
I must admit I was really hesitant about getting getting in a relationship with someone with a child for two reasons.
1. I didn't like kids lol

2. I have seen first hand what's its like for a 10 year old kid to have a new man in their mums life who is around for a year or so and is then gone with no further contact or goodbye. It really messed up my niece when this happened to her, she thought that because she had been bad at school it was her fault that the guy had gone.

I never wanted to see this happen to anyone I know or care about again.
However one good thing here is that my ex is a fantastic mum and I know she will protect her child and not let this happen.

6 Months ago I started to work with kids in different situations at work, I give all the safety talks to kids at schools, I work with badly behaved kids from terrible backgrounds to try and bring them on in life and experience a ff's life.
The idea here is to give them something to aim for in the future especially if mum and dad don't seem to give a toss about anything in their child's life.

I also dabble with a programme called fire fly which is for kids who play with fire and end up getting hurt or burning their house down.

As I said anyone who knew who I am in the real world is amazed by my full 180 turn around.

Its like the road to Damascus 9for all you religious folks out there)

Just seen your edit family is a bit of it but not something I want to talk about on here lol, and I guess I'm making up for lost time with finding out kids aren't horrible things just people who need molding and some guidance,

[asking]

It's great that you are doing so much good.

I agree kids are like other people; there's good and bad ones. A big difference though is it's still possible to make a difference in their lives, letting them see that someone will listen to them and take them seriously, teach them how to grow up, and not just view them as cute or annoying.

Fire fly sounds great. I'm going to derail this thread slightly. So apologies. My nephew nearly burned down our house when he was 8 and I subsequently learned that 8 is an age when kids get pretty interested in fire. I also started a small fire in my room when I was 8 but was able to put it out myself. Terrified me! So when my kids were that age, I put them each in charge of burning small amounts of trash, cereal boxes and paper, in a wood stove, with supervision. They loved the "chore" and seemed to learn to respect and understand fire. They have never started any illicit fires (to my knowledge).

[fireguy40]

Don't worry about it at all I've already taken it off topic a few times;-) ( I hope that's OK with the mods), helps keep me busy especially as I can't train for a few days.

6-10 is definitely the danger time of playing with fire, I was obsessed with it as a kid and so was everyone I work with, we just get paid to play with it now lol,

Its can be a good idea to give the kids a chore of working with fire as long as its supervised and monitored very closely, it lets them have the questions in their mind answered about fire, how it behaves (its also very mesmerising to watch) but also gives them a respect for the heat and damage it can cause.
Just need to drill into all kids that fire is bad mojo and really hurts, I have a nice burn to show them on my arm, that usually does the trick lol

[asking]

When I was four or five, I picked up a match and my father said, 'strike it." So I did and it lit. He then told me to turn it upside down. I burned my fingers and cried. I learned, mainly, not to trust my father...

[fireguy40]

Well I've made it to 90 days no contact so I figured it was time for a bit of reflection ;-)

All in all I'm much improved I no longer just sit in my room wanting to die drinking whisky and smoking so that's a good thing ha ha. I've been on a few dates which unfortunately didn't work out but still made some new friends so that's a positive.

The advice I got here has been invaluable to helping me sort my head out, even though some of the replies in the early days made me want to slap you ;-) for telling me the truth but thank you so much for the advice.

And reading the posts of people in similar situations in all this ******** love game has helped to, especially the guy in the oz military and his break up,

How ever I still feel a bit lost, I think I kind of figured by now I wouldn't give a monkeys about my ex and have moved on to a much better place.

But I still find myself thinking about her a lot, not all the time just sometimes when I'm driving or I see something that makes me think of her like a new film or if I go to a restaurant she would have liked.

I have also noticed over the last week the urge to contact her is growing stronger.

However I recognize this isn't a good idea yet.
I rationalise it to myself that the reason is because I want to know if she's OK, found a new job and her daughter is ready for going back to school next week,
But I fear it is just because I think I still miss the relationship rather than asking as a friend.

I also think she isn't ready or doesn't want to talk to me either and I fear the reaction I would get.

She hasn't tried to contact me and a few times such as today she has been online via msn at the same time as me and has made no effort to open the conversation ( I know ill get told to delete her so I can't see her online. But I'm kind of treating it as an exposure to something you fear in preparation for when I bump into her in town, we live in a very small place so this will happen sooner rather than later)

So either she's still angry, scared like me or just doesn't care, who knows and I can't second guess her mind but I know she's pretty stubborn as I am.

After all that I'm not sure what the point of this post is I think its because I'm damn close to texting her and need to stay away and vent on here instead.

[redhed35]

At least you recongise that by contacting her you would gain nothing.

Why do you still have her number in your phone?

Delete it.

Delete all old texts to avoid reading them over and over.

Your doing great,90 days is a decent amount of time,contacting now will set you back a little but not much,it will sting though, because she does not want to make contact with you.

Your curious,that's normal.

Even after relationships are long over we sometimes think about the one special relationship.

Easy to delete texts harder to delete memories.

If you need confirmation as to how far to have come and the progress to have made,read over your thread.

Answering questions for other people who are where you once were can also help.

You have the benefit of hindsight and experience.

[kaka67]

Hey fireguy I'm nearing 3 months.

What's with that time frame? Ive felt the urge to contact the ex more than ever leading up to it. Weird.

But as you pointed out the fear of rejection also stops me.
Also I don't want to open a can of worms. It would be no good for me as it will be no good for you.

Stay strong. Think how pissed off you'll be having to start those thirty days over again...

[fireguy40]

Thanks red you have been a star through all this.

I deleted all the texts emails etc and all the photos are hidden away, ( I like to keep photos of everything dating back to when I was a kid)

After being her friend for 10 years I know all her numbers off by heart but I mind controls my fingers lol.

But your right she doesn't want to speak to me otherwise she would have done, but I need to kill that voice that says someone needs to reach out first, but it probably shouldn't be me.

Hi KaKa well done for getting this far it's a big mountain isn't it !
I think the reason might be because of all the stickies which say after 90 days you may send one text, and as I had a goal to focus on for all these months I could just tick off each day. We need a new goal maybe 365 days lol

[redhed35]

Where the hell does it give permission to send a text after 90 days!

No contact,means just that,there is no get out clause.

You commit to it,you do it and you heal.

If you can't trust yourself to do the right thing who can you trust.

This is your healing,your life,your mental and emotional health.

There is no justifying sticking your hand back into the fire,why would you even comtemplate it?

Have you not been hurt enough?

Have you not being through enough misery?

[fireguy40]

Hi red don't worry it won't be happening here, in ash123's sticky it says after 90 days you can send one text that is where I got that from,
But granted I did ignore everything else on there lol

[redhed35]

I would not even waste a free text on an ex.

I would not give them the satisfaction to know I was even thinking about them or the chance to reject me again.

Not a hope in hell!

[elwoodb]

Hey mate, congrats on the 90 days! I know the urge your talking about as well, I've had it for the last couple of days and have been missing my ex a considerable amount. Im finding it's things I see or do that triggers a good memory that makes it hard, I guess once the initial hurt from the breakup has subsided that it can be a little too easy to remember the good and ignore the bad...

How's the time occupying going mate? I'm running out of ideas and I'm getting sick of sitting in my room playing computer games! Not long till summer so hopefully be able to beach it up soon.

Stay strong my friend! Keep up the hard work, it will all pay off in the end!

All the best!