[vanheart]

Have you heard of The Artist's Way?

Amazon.com: The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher…

Takes commitment, but you may get some value out of it.

Or take up a journal. Write in it religiously.

[Outoftime44]

Have you heard of The Artist's Way?

Amazon.com: The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher…

Takes commitment, but you may get some value out of it.

Or take up a journal. Write in it religiously.

I am an electronic music DJ/producer and also can write well. I need to start doing that. And not obsessing.

Thanks for sharing that book, I will give it a try. You're recommendations and insight have been excellent.

[vanheart]

Cool mon. Im a bass player. Play with 2 bands & working on another one.

No prob, want to see you get through this.

You will. Takes time & hard work.

[Outoftime44]

Thanks man.

I don't know why I am fighting so hard against what was meant to be...

I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship.

It was two like people going into their own world, and when all the pages of the book were read, it wasn't very pretty.

I'm still internally fighting the breakup because the breakup was a sign of everything that was wrong with me. While I recognize I need the breakup to move forward- I was in a pain/pleasure relationship where I was either loving life or hating it- becoming a lifeless blob- it certainly didn't need the fireworks.

But I also thought that it meant something more, that we would work through what is wrong with both of us, not be dumped by a train.

Funny thing is, she was right and said "we have some growing to do, and the growth has to come from within." She is smart, and can be loving, but it also comes with a darker/stressed out/insecure side. I considered it part of the whole of her, accepted it all, because without one piece of her she would be a different person. I guess she was not so accepting of me - or maybe I didn't accept her, that is why I kept on shutting down/getting in bad moods/ resenting her.

Either way I feel this journey is necessary and when I look back on it, it won't be seen as something negative. In fact, July was miserable, but I don't remember it as such.

[vanheart]

"I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship."

Bingo! Give yourself a gold star.

But, not so much what became of it. "It" in general.

Knowing ourselves before we jump.

"I feel this journey is necessary"

Yup. This isn't failure, quite the opposite.
Like I said, use this "gift", say thank you.

[Outoftime44]

"I think it's because I didn't want to face the reality that my own self esteem and insecurities played a large part in what became of my relationship."

Bingo! Give yourself a gold star.

But, not so much what became of it. "It" in general.

Knowing ourselves before we jump.

"I feel this journey is necessary"

Yup. This isnt failure, quite the opposite.
Like I said, use this "gift", say thank you.

But then it gets back to the problem of me feeling guilt and remorse for being a controlling person... Granted, as the therapist said I was not controlling until she cheated on me and then denied doing anything wrong, and I offered a lot of good and love, but I was verbally abusive at times.

I'm seeing myself, as I was, in such a bad light for many of things I did and it makes me want to express my remorse to her. Even if the breakup was inevitable and she is crazy, I was legitimately not a good person to someone close to me.

[vanheart]

You are missing the point.

"as the therapist said I was not controlling until she cheated on me"

"I'm seeing myself, as I was"

Miserable and confused.

Still are. Keep up w/the therapist.

If you want to feel remorse than feel it. Then let it go.
Just don't direct it towards her.

She was a manipulator, still is. Crazy or otherwise.
You both were crazy.

Now one of you can get sane. YOU.

[Outoftime44]

Wow great perspective.

Both crazy. I was getting beaten down, portrayed as the crazy one. I didn't see her for crazy... I was blind blind lost after a certain point of no turning back.

I guess we did it to each other... It's just confusing cause I was happier when with her, had such great expectations, but was also so paranoid and lifeless.

[vanheart]

"I was happier when with her"

At least you thought you were.

Not the case. You are still in denial.

"lifeless"??

That speaks volumes. Get your life back.

Its yours. Not hers, mine, the therapist's or anyone else's.

Like I said, try doing something that has nothing to do with her. Fun stuff.

You can enjoy life now.

[Outoftime44]

Also having trouble convincing the therapist I have an issue! I explain it and he seems to think I have it all figured out- cause I do! And he says I am doing the right things... But having the answers and believing in them are two different things. I guess I have to keep acting on them and know they work.

[vanheart]

"he seems to think I have it all figured out- cause I do!"

If you had it figured out, you wouldn't be in this, now would you?

Listen.

And yes, don't act on false belief.

Sounds like you need to take some time off from this.
Go, have some fun.

[Outoftime44]

Been working on it, staying busy.

Thanks for your help man.

[vanheart]

Enjoy those dates with yourself.

Later...

[Outoftime44]

Been working on it, staying busy.

Thanks for your help man.

Wish I would have discovered this place a month ago. Sa
Helped myself sooner... Or even months ago

[Outoftime44]

Just read this and felt like it was meant for me to read today:

"Scan the list of qualities again and take note of everything market not an option: selfishness, refusing to communicate, living like an outcast, over consumption, obsessive activity, and agression. If our cells know not to behave in these ways, why do we?"

[Outoftime44]

Therapy is coming across somewhat useless.

I don't know if the therapy is working, because it basically is stuff we have already discussed. It made me feel worse, not better. I have already realized myself esteem issues dragged me into this mess. In fact, I had her point that out to me myself. I have seemed to regress since my latest appointment, my eyes are so sleepy I don't know why, and he said I don't have a disorder, yet I am not OK. I became crazy, literally, that is why he said there is a double blow of not only being dumped, but because of my own issues leading to it.

He said it sounds like for sure she had borderline personality, and that's why the good pulled me in.

He said I just need to work on myself esteem. But I knew that... it hurts, but I know I changed, that's why this all hurts so much. I know it was a sucker punch, but the therapist doesn't offer much in terms of what to do.

In fact you guys here offered more.

[vanheart]

Stay with it. Give it some time.
Talk frankly. Ask him for some suggestions.

If after a while, you feel like you don't click with him, have him refer you to someone else.

[Outoftime44]

I'll keep with it. He said I adopted some of her borderline characteristics... He said borderlines love to pull you in, better than any other, but watch out.

He again said I have no disorder... Been only a month and he said it's a big wham to who I was. He said she can turn off just like she can turn on because they go between delusion as the best and as enemy. So one day I'm dream man, as soon as I slip up- I'm crazy and the enemy.

But she is a smart one! Cause she has had these issues her life, she knows how to escape. I had myself esteem torn down, was going crazy all along but I didn't see it... Did not see it for a second. Now I do.

I was physically sick , and mentally sick. Pleasure and pain. Pleasure only with her pain only with her. Walking on egg shells. All other life was just filler... Pleasure pain pleasure pain one person a drug. Now in rehab.

Got to believe there was a reason for this, a greater purpose. The hardest part has been facing myself, coming to terms of the person I became. So fearful, addicted, obsessed- without ambition but to get my fill of the drug.

Last summer I was sick and couldn't go out. So I tried to learn Italian, wrote, worked on music, read literature. Then I became a drug addict. All my money and emotions to one habbit.

[vanheart]

"Got to believe there was a reason for this, a greater purpose."

Yes.

Don't get too hung up on clinical diagnosis of her. Just look out for those types next time.

As far as you go, learn to deal with your habits, obsessions and self-esteem issues.

Remember that if you work hard, there will be benefits.
You are doing the right thing by seeking help.

She didn't, or does define you.

You will get through this & look back & say wow!
I am so happy now.

[Outoftime44]

Thanks man. Another day nc. A few more baby steps in the right direction.