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ummed · Aug 7, 2010, 02:06 PM

Salam
I'm 28 yr old muslim girl... I got married 3 yrs ago.. I have a 2 yr old son..
My problem is that there is v less understanding between me and my husband.. after marriage I come to know that he used to drink.. he had a v liberal lifestyle before marriage.. after he also continues it.. but he promises me many itmes that he is not indulge in gals... he comes late at night... every staurday and twice a week.he doesn't take that interest in me... like only once a month he comes near me and otherwise we have no physical relation... I m so upset... when I sits near him he pretends as if he is tired and want to sleepp.. after office he is always in ambad mood... in start he never got in bad mood but now after he sees that I'm so much after him and complaning of his drinking and late night sitings he becomes opposite to me... I always try to take care of him but he always interested to go out... never ready to quit his drinking and friends... I m so upset... dont want to leave him but I want him to take interest in me n have good husband wife relations but he only takes me part of his life where as I take him my life... v upset what shall I do to make him happy.. so that I could njoy good understanding with him.some times if ear if he is indulge in any gal or he will leave me... 3months ago we had a big fight... my seravant told me that he is after some gal.. I showed his pics bfr marriage that were wiid gals to his parents and then I asked my servant to go after him... he recognized him and then he proved that he is innocent and not after gals..
Since then.. he hates me more... doesnt talk to me more and says I have insulted him in front of all family his parents ans my family but I didn't do it consciously .he only gives money and he says I put him in depression and he is ,living with me because of his parents and son...

He fulfills all his responsibilities about me and his son I mean give us money and fulfills our meeds and I live in combined family

Help I'm younger frm him

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2010, 02:17 PM

Which country are you in? Are there family counselors there? Would he go with you? Would you go alone?

ummed · Aug 7, 2010, 02:29 PM

No he always goes alone... never socializes with me.. his life is hidden from me... never wants me to make a call to him when he is out.. always hide his fone frm me

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2010, 02:32 PM

Please answer my questions --

Which country are you in? Are there family counselors there? Would he go with you? Would you go alone?

ummed · Aug 7, 2010, 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Please answer my questions --

Which country are you in? Are there family counselors there? Would he go with you? Would you go alone?

I'm from india.. and husband always goes alone and never socialozes with me.. never wwants me to go with him.. in his friends.. he says no wives come there so all male friends go together.. a

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2010, 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by ummed

i m from india..and husband always goes alone and never socialozes wid me ..never wwants me to go wid him..in his friends..he says no wives come there so all male friends go together..a

Do you have women friends who are young mothers and single women? Was your marriage arranged?

ummed · Aug 7, 2010, 02:42 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Do you have women friends who are young mothers and single women? Was your marriage arranged?

Yes I have friends but don't feel comfortable in telling or discussing my problems with them... my marriage is arrange

Wondergirl · Aug 7, 2010, 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by ummed

yes i have friends but dnt feel comfortable in telling or discussing my problems wid them...my marriage is arrange

No, I'm not telling you to discuss your problems with them, but get out of your house and do things. Go shopping, visit friends, go to the library, start creating a life of your own.

Does your husband insist that meals be prepared his way and that they are served on time? Does he make a lot of rules for you?

cdad · Aug 7, 2010, 05:16 PM

Do you ever pray together or attend Mosque? Are there rules for you to break the marriage if you have to? Do you have any support from family or any friends not near you?

ummed · Aug 8, 2010, 03:52 AM

Originally Posted by califdadof3

Do you ever pray together or attend Mosque? Are there rules for you to break the marriage if you have to? Do you have any support from family or any friends not near you?

No... my family supports me but not want me to leave him and I also don't want to leave him... he is not that bad and also my sons father I cnt break my life with him... but how to convince him to take interest in me and become lively with me and we can discuss issues of life together... we can have a home together... I live in combined family... and he never offer prayer with me...
I want him to be mine..

dontknownuthin · Aug 9, 2010, 06:11 PM

I think that all men no matter their culture or country don't like coming home to stress and upset, even if they have caused it. I would suggest you just put the bad issues aside for now and not try to solve any past problems. Rather, just focus on making the homelife pleasant so he wants to be there, and so that you'll create opportunities for him to get to know you and trust you over time as his partner. As the trust and relationship together grows, you will have something between you that's more solid so you can start to chip away at things that need improvement. Best wishes to you.

talaniman · Aug 12, 2010, 11:38 AM

Are there no trusted females to confide in?

Homegirl 50 · Aug 12, 2010, 02:16 PM

You may do well to do some counseling on your own if it is your wish to stay with him and he does not want to go with you.
If he does not want to be with you, there is nothing you can do to change his mind. It seems like he is perfectly content with his life as it is.
You have to decide is you want to spend the rest of your life this way and if you want your son growing up thinking this is the proper way for a man to treat is wife.
I wish you well.

dontknownuthin · Aug 12, 2010, 07:27 PM

I think you're in a tough situation due to the cultural norms you are living with and the position of women in the family and society. It can be difficult sometimes for western women to relate or provide advice that is helpful because we start in a stronger societal position, as equals in our marriages and relationships. I would think that it would be really important to find support for yourself regardless of how you manage your marriage, as others have suggested, finding trusted female friends in whom you can confide and with whom you have things in common could be very empowering.