[ScottGem]

A lot of your post was unnecessary repetition of what you have previously posted. So I just skimmed through it. But I agree with CalifDad here. This disturbs me:

"This last week, I took pictures and wrote down in a journal because our son had bad sun burns on his back, and has cuts/gashes on his mid section, legs, bruises, and a new scar on his forehead."

In your situation I would have taken the child DIRECTLY to a doctor or emergency room. I would have asked the physician to contact Family services. I would have asked Family Services to issue a order giving you temporary custody until the cause of the injuries could be investigated.

And this is not different from what we have been telling you all along. You keep pussyfooting around here. Its great you now have a job that will enable you to give your son more stability. SO FIGHT FOR IT!!

[SteveO82]

UPDATE:

The burns weren't that bad they went away over the next few days under my care and supervision. I spoke to the mom about his hygiene and we will see if that changes. We had mediation the other day. Due to the mom's living circumstances she is doing "long distance" mediation. So, basically she was on speaker phone the entire time while I was physically present.

Does that even make a difference in terms of the court? She is completely assuming she should be awarded sole custody of our son without any solid backbone as to why. She just says structure, stability, etc because she has "two cars, a house, a job." Well, she doesn't own two cars she owns one which is her boyfriends. She rents a house with her boyfriend. A lot of times during the mediation, his Mother went dead silent and did not know what to say because she found out I have a day job. We came up with a parenting plan as far as holidays and special days, vacation, all that stuff (and whenever our son is in school) but the core issues remain and that's physical custody, residency, etc.

The mediator asked what we wanted as far as legal custody. His mom didn't know what to say when he asked her first so he asked me. I said joint legal because both of us have been involved in his life since day one and it's only fair we be involved with doctor appointments, medical bills, his education (parent teacher conferences), the list goes on. A lot of her answers were "yep... Um, yeah, sure. Yeah um that works." Instead of her focusing on our son, she just kept trying to make me look bad in front of the mediator to which our mediator put his hands over his eyes whenever she tried to say bad things about me.

He asked her what she wanted she said I want him during the school year with (me) having visitation. My response was, I disagree and have a problem with that. Both of us have been involved with the child since his birth. And for the past 3 years while I was unemployed I took care of our son emotionally and physically more than anyone else and that his mom took it upon herself to create this distance with our child without ever notifying me or anyone else. I kept reiterating that because of my involvement with our son and my current work schedule (M-F job day time shift) that because our son will be going into kindergarten starting next fall, it would be in his best interest to remain in his home state where his family on her side and my side ALL live. She has no family members in her move away state. I voiced my concerns with the mediator that shacking up with a random guy while you're still married and moving to his hometown is not the kind of stability or structure our son needs and that our son has significant relationships with family members in his home state (my home state) that the distance is beginning to take a toll on our child emotionally.

I voiced my concern on the fact that while she works, her boyfriend watches him. I do not know the guy personally but I do know he drinks a lot and has anger issues.

I explained that when our son is with me during the week and I work in the morning till afternoon that he is being taken care of by his grandfather and uncle two people that have been a part of his life and have helped support him as well.

I continued on about my job and how much I enjoy it and that I spend so much time with our son when I get off work it is ridiculous. I get off work early between 2:30 and 4PM but average out at 3:30 so I get to spend the whole evening with him, tuck him into bed, read to him. The mother cannot do this because she works a late night shift (2-10 PM) I checked out my state's school system versus his mother's and my city has about 50 elementary schools (my town itself has about 20-25) as opposed to about 4 in her entire city. A school close to me has before and after school daycare starting at 5:30 AM and ending at 5:30 PM. I told the mediator that our son can go to morning day care before I go to work and that I can pick him up every day. I also said that I would be okay with the mom or a family member of hers pick up our son after school to spend the evening with him if she's in town which is often because all her family members live in my hometown (which is also her hometown, and our son's hometown) but she of course denied it and said that she's rarely ever in her hometown.

I was co-operative as far as winter breaks went and spring breaks. I went with a fair approach. I also disagreed that one parent have our son for the entire summer. Explained to her and the mediator that it would be in our son's best interest for us to go to a every 2 weeks during the summer because a whole summer without seeing the other parent is just too long for a 4 year old.

And as far as activities go (sports/recreation) the mediator went into all the details before he let me voice my opinion and what I said was due to the distance involved and the time it takes to travel to pick up the child, it would be difficult for either parent to successfully exercise their involvement with our son's activities. (I said that because I want to keep throwing the distance thing out there. Again, I didn't create the move away.)

Anyway... I felt the mediator did well, but from my own opinion, I kind of felt like he was a little bias towards me. I don't know if that's because he used to be a lawyer and has handled these types of cases (and he said he has) or because the mom won't even have the courtesy or attempt to be physically present for the session(s).

The mediator will be submitting our parenting plan to both our attorneys with the core issues remaining unresolved (physical custody/residency) which the mediator explained that a judge will make that decision.

So, how do you think a judge may look on all this? I have transportation, I've picked our son up every week since it was court ordered, I got a full-time good paying job with an excellent schedule (early morning day shift an example is 7 AM to 4 PM Monday through Friday.) and my work is not even 10 minutes from my home when our son is at my home.

I don't feel anything was resolved in mediation. The mom and I could have easily drawn this up ourselves and saved each other a couple hundred dollars. Instead now she wants to rely on a judge and pay out of her butt for court costs because she believes in the "old system/old way of things" where the mother is expected to win custody.

My attorney wants to call on all my family members as witnesses because they rode with me to pick our son up from her supposed home (in my home state for the past few years) to which she claims that she lived elsewhere in a different state. He is also going to call on our son's grandmother (her mom) as a witness because she knew that she lived in another state.

I have a hard time seeing how his mom will be awarded sole custody.

- She moved away from me without telling me or anyone and created the distance

- She came to my house and took the child away with the help of her boyfriend and kept him from me for a period of 4 months

- She has a history of letting her emotions get the best of her and a history of forcing our son to call the numerous boyfriends she has had over the years, "Daddy."

- Our son asks me the same question every time I pick him up. "Are you the real Daddy?" It's obvious that she is trying to brain wash our child and alienate him from me which could explain his defiant attitude and why he says "I hate you" to me after I pick him up from his mom's.

- I've never tried to replace his mom or force our son to call another woman his mother.

- I've been involved with our son's life since day one

- I've taken care of him since birth, changed diapers, cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner, taught him how to brush his teeth, got him out of diapers into pullups, out of pullups into underwear and potty trained him myself.

- Our son is always filthy when I pick him up from his mom's. One of my cousins rode with me to pick him up a couple weeks ago, and the inside of his ears were like cob webs and dark brown. He had dry food all over his socks. His socks were black from being so dirty. His pants had kool-aid stains all over them, his hair smelt horribly, his nails never get clipped at his mom's.

- The mom claims she takes him to the dentist, doctor, but where's the paperwork and why was I never notified of it? She claims I've never taken him to the doctor. That's not true, I took him to update his shots when he was 1 years old and over the years and he has not once been sick when he's with me. Sometimes he's has a cold or a short flu after leaving his moms but after being under my care for a day or two he is completely fine.

- The mom currently pays child support (albeit a small amount) but she still pays it.

When I went home shortly after stopping by to see family on the way home one week when I picked our son up, he was so dirty the dirt was stuck to the bath tub when it drained!

She doesn't take care of his hygiene at all and has been really bad at that since he was born. I on the other hand give him baths all the time. Almost all of my family members want to give a deposition on his hygiene and that they have never once rode with me to this other state to pick up our son and that for the past 2 years, I picked him up at the same supposed residence of the mother.

- Our son during the past 2 months has called me by my first name whenever he is at his mom's. His grandfather heard him on speaker phone, so did his uncle.

Finally, is there a possibility that the judge can order the mom to move back to the home state? My state has legal jurisdiction over our case and we are not divorced yet (almost.) I have a lot of faith that because of this, I will be rewarded as the residential custodial parent with the mom having ample visitation time.

I'm hoping I don't have to go as far as this and go all in on the case with family members involved. I hope her moving away without notifying and creating this situation with our son will be enough.

[ScottGem]

Please stop with writing long posts that repeat information you have already posted. People will generally not read them.

This last post boils down to the mediator submitted the parenting plan with the issue of primary physical custody unresolved.

We have no idea how a judge will rule. A lot depends on how much information the judge is given and whether the mediator's impressions will be passed on.

[SteveO82]

Sorry Scott, the pressure/anxiety of this battle is getting to me. So I apologize for the repetitive posts.

But I have a question -- I got a copy of our parenting plan and one thing is unclear to me that the mediator wrote.

It basically said our child's residence can't be changed from the state of (blank/my home state, not the mother's) without prior written permission of court.

One thing I constantly keep in mind is that my home state has legal jurisdiction over the case and jurisdiction over our child.

Is it safe to take into consideration that the judge might award temporary physical custody of our child to me and order the mom to move back to the original home state of our child?

[ScottGem]

The mediator's report is a recommendation, not binding on the court. That being said, if the mediator is recommending that residence not be changed, it does bode well for you. I would make sure this is brought to the judge's attention.

[SteveO82]

The mediator's report is a recommendation, not binding on the court. That being said, if the mediator is recommending that residence not be changed, it does bode well for you. I would make sure this is brought to the judge's attention.

Well this will be my last post until custody is decided -- Yeah I am definitely talking to the attorney and am probably going to speak with the judge very soon. I do know that my state retains jurisdiction over our child because I have remained in the same residence. And obviously the mediator has recommended that our child cannot be removed from the home state. I've said it before that I have been involved with him since birth so I see no solid reason why the mom should be awarded physical custody. There is negative evidence that will be presented against the mom, as well as all of my family members that have had significant relationships with our child since his birth.

I'm bias (of course), but in this case, since move aways are generally the hardest cases for any divorce/custody judge to take on, I really see no reason at all why the mom should be awarded physical custody. In mediation, she was unprepared, did nothing but agree on everything I said. So, pretty much the mediation was a little one sided.

What I see is someone who took our child and fled to another state and kept it a secret until she got caught. Hopefully the judge will see this through and either award me physical custody and maybe order the mother to move back to the original state of our child.

I will keep you guys posted when the court date is near. Thanks for all your help!

[SteveO82]

***UPDATE*** Things may have either gotten easier or much worse. My son's mother who had a boyfriend they had a kid together 2 years ago while living in a different state (with me being totally unaware of it). That child was born out of wedlock because my son's mom and I are technically still married. The mom has now moved out of this other state and moved back to my home state and our son's home state. She wants to remain in her hometown and our son's hometown to be closer to family. She took her boyfriend's son from him and now she wants to file for child support against this guy because she says he has no legal parental rights over their kid. Now both my son's Mom and her now ex boyfriend are both texting me and calling me, leaving voicemails. Her boyfriend left a voicemail saying not to let my son's mom pick him up because she snatched up his son. The mom and I are still husband/wife. Part of me wants to run to the courthouse Monday and file an ex parte custody order, part of me wants to work it out with the mom. Given the mom's history of lying and trickery, I feel like I need to file for an emergency custody order ASAP. Will the court grant me this considering the Mom fleed her boyfriend and snatched up their kid? The mom previously snatched up our son back in Jan and now has done the same thing to her boyfriend. Her boyfriends voicemail said that she hadn't eaten for a week, that she was leaving our son and their kid with the boyfriend while she would disappear for 3-4 days. Will this voicemail and story hold up in front of a judge as a good reason for me to be given emergency temporary custody of our son?

[cdad]

Its hard to say what would happen. But there is something else that may need to be addressed. If your married to the mother still then you may be the legal father of the child. So this other child may be your responsibility too.

[SteveO82]

Well the other child's father is now wanting to help me in court. He is giving me his story on how she is unstable, always yelling in front of the kids, being violent, taking too many tylenol PM pills, leaving the children behind for days with him during the weeks I don't have my kid. Oh and he said that she's threatened to slit her wrists whenever they fight.

I am married to the mother, and I believe I am the legal father. It was addressed in court before, but the judge pretty much was like "whatever".

[cdad]

Well the other child's father is now wanting to help me in court. He is giving me his story on how she is unstable, always yelling in front of the kids, being violent, taking too many tylenol PM pills, leaving the children behind for days with him during the weeks i dont have my kid. Oh and he said that she's threatened to slit her wrists whenever they fight.

I am married to the mother, and I believe I am the legal father. It was addressed in court before, but the judge pretty much was like "whatever".

The "new" baby that she had with her boyfriend was addressed by the courts? That is what Im talking about. The 2nd child she had with her boyfriend may be your responsibility.

[SteveO82]

Ok so what should I do? Should I side with this other guy and take his story or stick to the status quo? I want my sons mom to be a part of his life but now I am concerned after everything he has said and the fact that she snatched up his kid from him too like she did to me 6 months ago. And the new child wasn't formally addressed by the court, I told my attorney and he said I am not responsible for the other child because it's been far too long (2 years). Legally I should be, sure, (I don't want to be though.) So now not only was my case a previous move away case and interstate custody battle, the mom has now moved out of state in this "new state" and took her "new child" away from the other dad and moved back to my home state and our son's home state. Everything got reversed.

It's a merry go round and I'm just wondering because I'm so concerned will this be enough to warrant an ex parte custody order in my favor in the mean time?

[JudyKayTee]

Ok so what should I do? Should I side with this other guy and take his story or stick to the status quo? I want my sons mom to be a part of his life but now I am concerned after everything he has said and the fact that she snatched up his kid from him too like she did to me 6 months ago. And the new child wasn't formally addressed by the court, I told my attorney and he said I am not responsible for the other child because it's been far too long (2 years). legally I should be, sure, (I don't wanna be though.) So now not only was my case a previous move away case and interstate custody battle, the mom has now moved out of state in this "new state" and took her "new child" away from the other dad and moved back to my home state and our son's home state. Everything got reversed.

It's a merry go round and I'm just wondering because I'm so concerned will this be enough to warrant an ex parte custody order in my favor in the mean time?

I don't understand why you aren't responsible for a child born to a woman you were married to because it's been "too long" (2 years)?

You never know what a Judge will do until he/she hears all the facts - not the emotion - in a case.

I've seen good decisions, bad decisions, totally unbelievable decisions.

[SteveO82]

Yeah but that's not the core issue though I appreciate your help. I'm more focused on whether I should let my son's mom pick him up because of my concerns over this situation. Her ex boyfriend left me a voicemail saying she took his kid from him and said all this other stuff. But since this other kid was born out of wedlock, part of me wants to just go with it. If she wants to move/live back here in her home state, my home state, and our son's home state, fine. Then I'm going to tell my attorney all of this first thing Monday morning and see what he thinks.

The other part of me as being a father I want to protect our 4 year old boy from harm. The mom does have a history of being emotionally unstable and I believe she may very well be right now so that's why I'm afraid of letting her come pick him up... That's why I'm asking if I stood a chance of being granted an emergency order based on all the information I've listed here.

[JudyKayTee]

If the mother is a danger to the child, either emotionally or physically, I think it's your DUTY as a parent to take action - and, yes, that would involve requesting emergency relief. As far as the boyfriend testifying for or against her it's going to look like a boyfriend taking her side OR an ex-boyfriend and sour grapes.

I would be at the Courthouse Monday morning if I thought MY child was in danger.

[cdad]

If the mother is a danger to the child, either emotionally or physically, I think it's your DUTY as a parent to take action - and, yes, that would involve requesting emergency relief. As far as the boyfriend testifying for or against her it's going to look like a boyfriend taking her side OR an ex-boyfriend and sour grapes.

I would be at the Courthouse Monday morning if I thought MY child was in danger.

I couldn't agree more. Ran out of greenies for you.

[JudyKayTee]

I never understand this - child is in danger and parent is wondering what to do - ?

Or else child isn't really in danger.

Either/or.

[SteveO82]

I never understand this - child is in danger and parent is wondering what to do - ?

Or else child isn't really in danger.

Either/or.

I think there's truth to the ex boyfriends story mixed with lies but in my heart I don't believe our son is in danger. Right now Mom and I are in a custody order week to week so I don't want to interrupt that unless there's hard evidence for me to. I haven't seen our son face abuse or neglect (it's he said, she said as far as I'm concerned), and our son just has the occasional old battle wounds a toddler gets (scrapes, a bruise from tripping.) Although I saved the voice mail her ex boyfriend left for future reference in case things get sour again because the mom snatched up our son months ago and has now done the same to the other guy (payback is a B because he was involved in snatching up my son from me before). Now that the mom is back in town our son is with the "new child", his brother. I really don't see any benefit for me to get in the way of that. The way I see it, if the Mom wants to live back in the hometown once and for all, it's best to have it written on paper legally.

Neither myself or the mom do drugs or are a danger to our kid we both take care of him equally. I think the whole situation is more or less about a psycho ex boyfriend who isn't getting his way trying to turn me against our son's Mom.

The reason I asked "what do do" was because I was concerned for a moment about our son. Until I spoke with the Mom on the entire thing and from what I gathered, she's done with this other guy and doesn't want to see him anymore and wants to be near family in our hometown and doesn't want to separate our son and this new child either.

But the Mom is also aware since we're married, the other guy technically has no parental rights to this new kid (born out of wedlock.) Now, I'm afraid the mom is going to try to go after me and hold me responsible for this new child. That's why I saved the ex boyfriends voice mail and am being cautious with this whole situation.

Anyway, thanks guys for all your help!!

[JudyKayTee]

Please stop referring to your child as your kid - I find it offensive and so will the Court.

[SteveO82]

Please stop referring to your child as your kid - I find it offensive and so will the Court.

There is no difference in Kid or Child. I refer to him as our child, our kid, our son. Because he is. I don't see what you find offensive in that but if you do, why even bother to take the time to read any of my post(s) and reply to them? Keep it to yourself, thanks.

[JudyKayTee]

There is no difference in Kid or Child. I refer to him as our child, our kid, our son. Because he is. I don't see what you find offensive in that but if you do, why even bother to take the time to read any of my post(s) and reply to them? Keep it to yourself, thanks.

You are way out of line - don't even attempt to "dictate" who will answer your questions and in what manner. I have no idea how many hours you've spent in Family Court. I've spent a few.

The Court finds the phrase "kid" offensive. It doesn't matter what you and I think.

Why do I bother to read your posts? Because you keep asking for advice and this is where I answer questions.

The more I read your posts and your attitude the better I understand your predicament.