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Gtrip · Jul 28, 2010, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by Shadowburn

I think you should step back now and sort your own things out. You went straight from one messed up relationship into another. Why don't you stay single for awhile and work on yourself and see what you really want in a man. Amazing connection and being so much fun is great, as long as there is something more substantial present as well. For now, both of these men don't offer you much, so if I were you, I'd just leave them both alone.

Good luck.

Your right... thanks!!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 28, 2010, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by Shadowburn

I think you should step back now and sort your own things out. You went straight from one messed up relationship into another. Why don't you stay single for awhile and work on yourself and see what you really want in a man. Amazing connection and being so much fun is great, as long as there is something more substantial present as well. For now, both of these men don't offer you much, so if I were you, I'd just leave them both alone.

Good luck.

Have to spread some rep. Good advice!
Time to let this man go, let both of them go. Be by yourself for a while, get to know yourself by yourself. It can be an eye opening experience

TruthSayer0122 · Jul 28, 2010, 12:39 PM

This is a really good point. Something to think about...

Gtrip · Jul 28, 2010, 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Have to spread some rep. Good advice!
Time to let this man go, let both of them go. Be by yourself for a while, get to know yourself by yourself. It can be an eye opening experience

Ok I will try too... I was by myself for 3 years before I met my ex boyfriend.. I have found myself and I know exactly what I want from a relationship... maybe that is why it is so hard for me to find that perfect man... but I feel now that I have totally lost all contact with my ex that he was and is the one for me... I realize he was the perfect man.. I guess it is just to late... :/

TruthSayer0122 · Jul 28, 2010, 12:43 PM

Don't sugar coat it. Lay down the law. A man's actions will tell you everything you need to know. If he can't be a father and a respectful boyfriend at the same time then he needs to be single. I do believe in telling people how you feel and giving the them the chance to make it right. But put a limit on time that you give him.

Homegirl 50 · Jul 28, 2010, 12:52 PM

Originally Posted by Gtrip

Oki will try too... I was by myself for 3 years before I met my ex bf..I have found myself and I know exactly what I want from a relationship...maybe that is why it is so hard for me to find that perfect man...but I feel now that I have totally lost all contact with my ex that he was and is the one for me...I realize he was the perfect man..I guess it is just to late... :/

Well you can't substitute him with this guy, and you did say this guy showed you things about yourself you didn't know was there, so there are still things to be learned.
There is another man out there and he won't be like the one you think is perfect but he will be right for you. But you need to heal and you don't do it by going to someone else. That is just a bandage. The wound needs to air out and heal, not covered up with something else.

Gtrip · Jul 28, 2010, 01:01 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Well you can substitute him with this guy, and you did say this guy showed you things about yourself you didn't know was there, so there are still things to be learned.
There is another man out there and he won't be like the one you think is perfect but he will be right for you. But you need to heal and you don't do it by going to someone else. That is just a bandage. The wound needs to air out and heal, not covered up with something else.

I know.. your sooo right BUT I miss my ex so much... I still cry everyday for him, my heart aches for him. We only live 5 blocks from each other, we were inseparable, I thought he would be mine forever... I know I need to heal, but when Im with my current boyfriend, it helps me cope, I don't think about my ex as much... I just don't know how else to get over my ex.. he was the love of my life!!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 28, 2010, 01:33 PM

You take time and heal. You busy yourself with other things. The relationship with this other man was not a fix, you don't use a person to help you cope. He has his own set of problems.
You mentioned that you have kids. How old are they? Get involved in more things with them, with other people but not in a dating situation.
Do you have any hobbies, things you really like to do but had not had time. This could be a good opportunity for you.
Don't look at the closed door, look beyond it, there is an open window. That is an opportunity as well.

talaniman · Jul 28, 2010, 01:42 PM

1-You are not over the ex, nor are healthy enough for a healthy relationship with any one.

2-Your ex has many things going on in his life that he has to deal with, and may NOT always make you a priority in his life.

3-After only 4 months, you are thrust into a long distance relationship, that brings many more stresses on a new relationship than normal, so basically even with a title, your friends that are supposed to be having fun getting to know each other, but actually you may be too hurt souls that need someone to ease the pain you have due to past baggage. (REBOUND, for you both).

4- Its obvious you don't know each other well enough to completely trust, or even understand each others thinking, or actions, build honest communications, or even a certain comfort zone because neither of you has had enough time for a proper healing.

5-It is over reacting to think you have anything to say about how he and his ex wife raise their kids, just as it would be just as unfair that he would object to how you relate to YOUR baby daddy. Much to soon to even think about what's right and wrong, no matter the honesty between you, or how jealous, insecure or needy you both may be because it may come from the past, and has nothing to do with your present partner.

You really do need to slow down and be a friend, and get to know someone before you freak out about their ways. I seriously doubt either of you could be a good partner to any one without a proper healing, and that could take years given the situation you both are in.

Two still hurting, confused people make for lousy partners, even though you both need a friend, besides the exes, who very much still influences you both.

Too much, too fast, crash and burn.

Slow this train way down and you both need a life that you enjoy without each other with friends and activities that make you both happy. Sharing past misery and pain and unresolved issues makes for good friends, but is a lousy thing for any relationship, and honestly, neither of you is ready for that step.

What's the freakin' hurry??

Gtrip · Jul 28, 2010, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You take time and heal. You busy yourself with other things. The relationship with this other man was not a fix, you don't use a person to help you cope. He has his own set of problems.
You mentioned that you have kids. How old are they? Get involved in more things with them, with other people but not in a dating situation.
Do you have any hobbies, things you really like to do but had not had time. This could be a good opportunity for you.
Don't look at the closed door, look beyond it, there is an open window. That is an opportunity as well.

I know... but I honestly do have feelings for this other man. Yes, I am very active in my children's lives. Everybody that knows me says I am super mom and they don't know how I do what I do... I love my job, I have been there for over 13 years, my ex boyfriend talked me into going back to school so I am in school fulltime as well working towards my BSN.. I stay very busy... fulltime mom, fulltime job, fulltime student BUT I still can't get him out of my mind.. I thought we would share the rest of our lives together... I have never felt this way about somebody before... I have never felt this deep for somebody before... its just so hard...

Homegirl 50 · Jul 28, 2010, 01:54 PM

Originally Posted by Gtrip

I know...but I honestly do have feelings for this other man. Yes, I am very active in my children's lives. Everybody that knows me says I am super mom and they don't know how I do what I do... I love my job, I have been there for over 13 years, my ex bf talked me into going back to school so I am in school full time as well working towards my BSN..I stay very busy...full time mom, full time job, full time student BUT i still can't get him out of my mind..I thought we would share the rest of our lives together....I have never felt this way about somebody before...I have never felt this deep for somebody before...its just so hard...

Then what you may need is a few therapy sessions, someone who can help you get over the hump of this guy, or help you figure out why you are not getting over him. I have a feeling it has something to do with the thoughts of your thinking he was perfect for you and not getting past that. If he were perfect for you, you two would still be together.
But you need help in working your way out of this maze and it is not with another man.

Gtrip · Jul 28, 2010, 01:58 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Then what you may need is a few therapy sessions, someone who can help you get over the hump of this guy, or help you figure out why you are not getting over him. I have a feeling it has something to do with the thoughts of your thinking he was perfect for you and not getting past that. If he were perfect for you, you two would still be together.
But you need help in working your way out of this maze and it is not with another man.

Thank you... I appreciate all your input, it has been very helpful!

Homegirl 50 · Jul 28, 2010, 02:32 PM

Keep us posted and I wish you well