[MissKnowitall]

So much wisdom out there in the world and I really need to share this with someone for feedback.

A guy I knew in college (and had a huge crush on) recently came back into my life. I never forgot about him and he said he remembered me well and felt badly for how he was towards me. So he wanted to 'make it right' and we began an intense long distance friendship. I knew that he strugged with addiction and currently is in recovery. He is doing very well, is back at work, reconnecting with is family, doing his steps etc but one of the tenets is that people should not get into any new relationships in their first year of recovery. I knew this, we talked about this so agreed to go slow.

But he became very flirtatious so I ate it up and after a few months he was able to visit me (while working in my area for a weekend). We spent one great evening together, it was perfect and yes, we were intimate but it seemed like the right thing to do. Afterwards he was sweet and communicative but what did I do? I texted him that I loved him and he didn't respond. Thereafter he slowly became distant but still tried his best to be in contact. He started a new job and has been very busy so we weren't talking nearly as we had been so I panicked (left a pathetic voicemail about missing him etc). He called me the next day and said he was 'conflicted' but cared a lot about me. He told me to not worry and relax. He has told me many times to relax over the course of this situation by the way. I was crushed to hear about him being conflicted but I didn't grasp entirely what he meant, and he was in a hurry so didn't allow me to respond.

A few days later I left a message asking him to clarify and he called me the next day and said he wasn't able to be in a relationship now. Maybe in the future but now he can't but that he cared a lot and needed me as a friend. He said he still wanted to see me again and take it 'day by day'. I told him I respected this and knew this going in since he had told me he needed go slow due to his recovery. But I was crushed and I'm sure he heard it in my voice. So a couple of days later I get a brief email from him which said he missed me, wanted me and that he had lots of fears but for me not to worry that things will be fine.

So now I am hopelessly confused. He called me a couple of days ago but I wasn't able to get the phone and he left a message saying he was thinking about me, doing great and hope I was doing well and that we could talk soon. I called back and he hasnt' responded :( I also wrote him a letter this week and told him that I understood his situation, that I am there for him and missed him but I do care a lot and hope I didn't move too fast. He probably got the letter yesterday so I have no idea how he feels about it or anything and I am confused. I did return his call but he didn't answer so that is where we are.

What should I do? I know I need to step way back but he sends me confusing mixed signals. I know his situation is very risky so he has to be very careful. I don't want him to relapse or get out of focus with his recovery but I also don't want to be strung along. Yet I do want to be there for him during this challenging time. He has always been forthcoming and I'd rather he focus on his recovery, children etc than me but it is hard for me to pull back for fear he will be gone forever from my life.

Or that he will forget about me, date someone else etc. I know I can't control the future but how do I trust the things he says about wanting me if he has slowed things way down? Ugh.

[positiveparent]

I think that this person is wanting to let you down lightly I also feel he's made it clear to you he doesn't really want a relationship with you, he may be saying he wants to keep you as friend so as to not appear to have used you, when you and he had the night together.

I am not judging you but in honesty I feel you would have been better off if you and he had not had sex so soon, Men like women who make them work for it, and also make them do some running.

You haven't been in a real relationship of m/f type as yet, and it seems he has been stringing you a line, if he wanted more he would have made it known he would have been to see you more often, and wouldn't be so unavailable to you.

You need to move on and start living your life again, you cannot allow yourself to wait around for something that hasn't materialised, and doesn't seem to be going to materialise, I think you should just let this go.

Good Luck

[MissKnowitall]

He isn't in a position to see me often due to his living & financial situation. He really is rebuilding his life from the ground up. I know he isn't ready. That isn't the issue. It is more of does he want me to stick around? Or slip quietly into the night?

[positiveparent]

He isn't in a position to see me often due to his living & financial situation. He really is rebuilding his life from the ground up. I know he isn't ready. That isn't the issue. It is more of does he want me to stick around? Or slip quietly into the night?

In his present circumstances I would say just continue living your life, don't pin your hopes on this person, and go from there, I would say he isn't wanting or in a position to offer you a relationship, so just be his friend and don't wait around in the hope he will maybe change his mind at some later date, If that does happen and you are still available then discuss it with him, for now though get on with your life on your own date others, and have fun.

[MissKnowitall]

Yes that is my plan but it is so hard because I have such strong feelings for him and I want to see him again. I know I need to just be a friend but I honestly don't know that I can right now because of where my heart is. I'm going to (try) to pull myself back and I have to keep busy but right now my life is very isolated due to my job. I need to reach out and meet people but I don't know how.