[Wondergirl]

all my crying hasn't helped a bit yet... How long will it take for me to want to get up in the morning??

Piffle! I'm wiping your tears and telling you to get out there to hook up as a volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter or a library. There are a lot of people and animals who need you and are new friends waiting to be made. Walk dogs, brush cats, transport hospitalized patients to tests and then back to their rooms, join a book discussion group or help with processing DVDs and video games. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Start a writing group at your local public library. I did. We had an amazing meeting last night at the library -- we being the two-year-old writer's group that we have named The Writing Factory. Joel has Asperger's and is a wonderful sci-fi writer, Diana is always hoping for heaps of praise for her boring essays, Jo-Jo writes charming stories that are slices of her life, Jeff just got an IT book published and is working on a second one about social networking, Kate's a gifted writer but just found out she is expecting her third child (and doesn't know when she will have time to write after the baby comes), Theresa is working on a vampire novel, Michaela is Romanian and writes exquisite poetry, and Fran wants to get a children's book published.

Get involved in the world again!

***ADDED*** Like I said, stand up and get out there! I had a six-month break while I healed up from bleeding ulcers and breast cancer, but I'm back to leading the group again. Had to take a break from the cat shelter volunteer job too, but I met lots of cool (young and female! ) transporters while I was in the hospital three times!

[Kitkat22]

She can't let you go until you're willing to let yourself take that the first step and walk away.

My friend had been married nearly
Twenty years and she found out her husband had been unfaithful from the beginning.

She received an anonymous phone call and just disregarded it as a hoax. Then she caught him.
I have never seen anyone hurt that badly over a divorce.

I tried to bring comfort and be there for her and I begin to worry about her more and more.

She took him back and a year later he was at it again. This time there were no tears only anger.
The second divorce stuck.

She told me what hurt the most was his lying and making her feel less a woman. She remarried and he's living with a girl who to say the least is a little loose.

This woman has made you feel as if you cannot do better than her.
You can. When you leave you not only have to physically walk away, but emotionally too.

She is the one who will be the loser and she deserves it. I think the worst thing a spouse can do to another spouse is lie and cheat.

It makes you feel inadequate. It leaves you feeling ashamed, even though you did nothing to warrant being treated that way.

You have a chance at a brand new start. Will you choose to take that chance? I hope so. Blessings

[positiveparent]

Have to spread the rep Kit

However very well written post, and some thought provoking stuff in there.

OP this woman,(I say that part loosely) is the type of female that gives every other female a bad name, she's got no respect for anyone not even herself.

Do you want someone like that as the mother of your children?

How could you and she take marriage vows that she `s broken before you've even considered taking them.

For all you know you could be working alongside one of her old lovers.

As I said in a earlier post you don't know it was only once a year, it could have easily been once a month or once a week, she could be the town bike or moped,(you get around faster on a moped and cover more ground).

I accept its not my place to judge, and Im not judging her so much as I am hoping to help you see that there is another way, its going to hurt and its going to be hard, but you can get through this.

You just have to stop allowing yourself to be treated in such a disrespectful way.

You deserve more you're worth more...

[motcr5]

Thanks to all. I guess this is it then... It's time for me to walk the desert and come out a new man (hopefully). I feel like Indiana Jones on the movie where he had to walk over an abyss... It's a leap of faith! I will trust everything that you have told me about it getting better if I leave her and start thinking of myself. And I'll try to follow the NC rules that "I wish" posted... I'll post again someday when I feel better, thanks for caring to write. It did make a difference! (even though all I want to do these days is cry)

[Kitkat22]

Thanks to all. I guess this is it then... It's time for me to walk the desert and come out a new man (hopefully). I feel like Indiana Jones on the movie where he had to walk over an abyss... It's a leap of faith!! I will trust everything that you have told me about it getting better if I leave her and start thinking of myself. And I'll try to follow the NC rules that "I wish" posted... I'll post again someday when I feel better, thanks for caring to write. It did make a difference!! (even though all I want to do these days is cry)

You will start to feel better.

[positiveparent]

Thanks to all. I guess this is it then... It's time for me to walk the desert and come out a new man (hopefully). I feel like Indiana Jones on the movie where he had to walk over an abyss... It's a leap of faith!! I will trust everything that you have told me about it getting better if I leave her and start thinking of myself. And I'll try to follow the NC rules that "I wish" posted... I'll post again someday when I feel better, thanks for caring to write. It did make a difference!! (even though all I want to do these days is cry)

Please come back here anytime, we will always be here to offer a listening ear or shoulder for you, or for you to just get it off your chest, we also appreciate it if posters keep us updated because we do care about you, and all other posters. So you're never alone.. Good Luck and I believe you're making the right choice and your life will improve from hereon..

P.S. crying is good it helps you get it out of your system.

[motcr5]

I just wanted to add something after I read more replies... It seems to me that all of you who replied understand me a lot better than I understand myself. I allowed my ex to take control of my happiness, and she just took advantage of that and walked over me. But then that leaves me with the question, why did I put up with it? Someone said that no man would... What is different in me? Am I different in some bad way that makes me prone to being hurt? Where most people would have left the relationship, I decided to stay, and I still don't understand why...

[positiveparent]

I just wanted to add something after I read more replies... It seems to me that all of you who replied understand me a lot better than I understand myself. I allowed my ex to take control of my happiness, and she just took advantage of that and walked over me. But then that leaves me with the question, why did I put up with it? Someone said that no man would... What is different in me? Am I different in some bad way that makes me prone to being hurt? Where most people would have left the relationship, I decided to stay, and I still don't understand why...

Yes you're different but not in a bad way, you believed in your g/f even though she repeatedly betrayed your trust and love you still believed in her, you obviously saw something in her that was endearing to you, women do the same too, as in take back cheating husbands b/fs etc, I feel you must have the patience of a saint, and you are quite unique as far as men go, but that's to your credit, you gave someone you love chance after chance and yet you have still been betrayed time after time.

You're obviously a patient and forgiving person, two excellent qualities, so please don't think badly of yourself you have done more than enough to give this woman chances to improve her morals, its lucky for her she wasn't with a wife beater, so please don't reproach yourself for being a forgiving and patient man, that's not bad, that's good.

Many women would give their arms for their men to possess such qualities. Its not you. It is your ex g/f...

You're also genuine and when you are in a relationship you're committed. Nothing wrong with those qualities either...

[slapshot_oi]

Expounding on KCTiger, you reap what you sow.. . People will continue to abuse you so as long as you let them. Even good people will turn into jerks if you allow them to.

I did a search on this page for the word "mistake" and sure enough, I found it. First thing's first: she made a choice, and every choice has a reason behind it, and reason is a reflection of character, hence, it's not surprising that it happened again and again. I do realize that it's very hard to admit this when the person in question is close to you.

Where most people would have left the relationship, I decided to stay, and I still don't understand why...

For one, this isn't accurate across the board as I've just as many people in long-term relationships who have dealt with cheating than those who have not.


Secondly, the only way to answer the "why" part is to go NC and stay that way.

[vanheart]

Dude don't worry.
This is a good lesson if you choose to do some soul searching.

There's no doubt that being betrayed over & over sucks. But being in denial is another. I could write a book about that.

Not everyone is meant to be together. No matter what is instilled in us.

What's important is that you start living your life w/o this emotional burden.

Don't let her suck you back in with revelations and talk. Go NC & heal.

[wonderlife]

Could it be? Should I really give her another chance again? Have I not given here enough chances already?

No, you shouldn't believe that people can change that easy, especially when they always do the same things over and over again. And you give her a lot more than she deserves already.

I may consider giving a guy a chance, but just only one chance, if I have some doubt that he might not intentionally hurt me or treat me badly. But if that bad behaviors happen again, I will never give another chance as it's clear enough that he's who is he and you just can't change anyone.

Please don't beat yourself too hard. We all made mistakes and learned from it. You have to learn to love yourself enough not to let anyone treat you badly, lie, or hurt you (especially when they do it on a regular basis).

You worth to be with someone who is a good, kind, and honest person, and definitely not her!

[Imabadman]

I echo the others, don't beat yourself up over this. We all do things, shall we say questionable, when we're in love.

Accept what has happened. Realize it is no longer acceptable, you will not allow people to treat you this way. Hold your head up and move on.

[busybee25]

It really felt bad to read all that you have been going through. After writing and deleting and then doing the same for a couple of times, I just want to say, can we be friends. It seems we are sailing in the same boat. At least if we can be friends, it might get the lost smiles on our faces back. Will wait for your reply. In case you want you can write to me on EMAIL REMOVED


I will not comment on anything about her. As I don't know her. And ther'll be two voices one that of your mind and the other that of your heart. But one thing I can say with certainty is that there's a third sound, which is the soounds of your soul. That will tell you exactly what you should do. I understand that you are in a very confusing state and all this may sound quite bookish to you. But trust me try this it'll really help. But you have to be tough and honest while interacting with the voice of your soul...


Moreover if you still decide to go back, you will always be living in your insecurities all the time. And anyway the destiny of such a relationship is staying together all the life. So it will be more painful for you to live with your insecurities while you are with her. Think about it!! And if you feel that you will not be able to love again, then please understand, we have been created by nature. And we should continue to behave like nature also. Even if we don't get love, where you want it from, you can still spread love around. Its just like even if someone plucks a flower from a tree, the tree doesn't stop to blossom. And so does every creation of nature does. So why exclude human being?? Just spread love everywhere around. Leave the rest on God. He always does what is best for His child. Have faith. Cheers. Also deliberately try coming out of it, rather clinging to it. Just imagine had this happened with you after marriage, lets say after having kids, it would have been so much more painful. Just realise Gods kindness and His love. So here's what I have- don't behave like a christian, behave Christ like... Don't behave like a Buddhist, behave Buddha like. Think of all the blessing that God/nature has blessed you with. Just try coming out of this. God bless! :)

[motcr5]

This was my original post:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/feel-like-world-has-ended-me-491112.html

I am sticking with NC and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I come back to this site for hope because I am not feeling any better... I miss her so much in my life; I miss the good moments we had SO BAD!

Now I have a question; everyone talks about NC and I get that, but what about THINKING and CRYING:

- some people have told me to avoid thinking of her. That as soon as I start to think of her, I should find a distraction

- some other people tell me I need to think of her is she comes to mind, and cry as much as I need to because otherwise it is holding it in and it will delay my recovery

So, does NC also mean NT (no thinking), or do I need to embrace my pain and cry when thoughts of her invade me?

Thanks so much

[lifeistough75]

Embrace the pain, it is part of life. By embracing it, you are purging it, and her out of your system. Life is not about avoidance of pain, it is about dealing with it. Sounds pessimistic, but I believe in it.

[slapshot_oi]

- some people have told me to avoid thinking of her. That as soon as I start to think of her, I should find a distraction

- some other people tell me I need to think of her is she comes to mind, and cry as much as I need to because otherwise it is holding it in and it will delay my recovery

I vote #2.

Cry as much as you need to, I repeat, need to. Crying is cathartic, is designed to make you feel good after it's passed and that's when you can begin to sort out your emotions and make sense of the relationship and how it all went down. So, let it happen, but don't abuse it. If you are constantly throwing a pity party, your heartache will become a crutch you will depend on--David from 40 Year Old Virgin--preventing you from moving on and you will break NC repeatedly forcing your ex to get a restraining order. The good news here, is pity-parties are usually a result of breaking NC, not the other way around.

Distractions are good as they do force you to stay on the NC track. But, overdo it and you'll find yourself denying your own feelings and you might actually believe it--"naw man I'm okay, I'm waaaay over her"--so you'd learn nothing making your time spent together meaningless; lost time. And then, in your next relationship, you're liable to make the same mistake again, and so begins the cycle. You aren't this kind of guy from the mere fact you posted here. That is a good thing.

It's all in moderation my friend. Find balance. Stay NC.

[vanheart]

You can't stop your thoughts. But you can stop the drama by going NC.

All we can do is learn. Embrace whatever thoughts we have, but hopefully learn to control the ones that don't really serve us. Not to dwell on stupid stuff that's just in our head.

Negative ones that send us spiraling w/no benefit.

There's facts in everything. Don't create negative fantasies.

Focus on having some fun now w/o her. You may surprised how happy you can be. Just remember the good ones now, how great you felt & recreate those good feelings as much as possible. While recognizing the ones that suck.

We all have good & bad feelings, but I'd rather have good ones. Its all how we decide & act on any given moment.

[Homegirl 50]

Harsh Alert
Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Yes this lady 11 years your junior whom you've been playing with for 8 years (since she was 21) cheated on you 8 times, but you let her do it 8 times and you're still asking if you should take her back.
For whatever reason, she is who she is, what is your problem? Why have you hung on to this woman for 8 years?
Don't get mad at her anymore, she has done what you have allowed her to do time and time again.
So this time she says she has found God, maybe she has, but I don't think you should take her back because you have enabled her tacky behavior and you will never move beyond what it is that allows yourself to be treated this way.
You were not a child when you started dating her, she was a young adult. So what were you thinking all these years?
Now you're worrying about getting old. Well so is she. It is time for both of you to leave each other alone, deal with the issues in your lives and move on.

[vanheart]

This girl never wanted you.

You just filled in the gaps with blinders on. While she explored.

But, all that crap is in the past. Thank your lucky stars now. The universe just gave you a smack. (and homegirl50)

Time to wake up.

Now its your job to do some reasoning with yourself. Doesn't sound like you have in a while.

Its OK, like me, I hung to something I wish I didn't & got hurt. For my own stupid reasons.

Want me to list 'em?.

[Kitkat22]

Don't be a doormat. Get away and stay away from her. If God has truly changed her then that's good.

I don't believe you will ever be able to trust her, even if she has changed. You will never be able to forget the past.

Relationships are hard enough without all the baggage. I truly hope she has found God. Time will tell and I hope you move on and find happiness with someone you can trust.