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Homegirl 50 · Jul 21, 2010, 03:54 PM

A controlling boyfriend turns into a controlling husband. If you put up with it before it does not get better and you shouldn't complain.
You are just getting started in life, don't start giving into stuff you don't have to give in to. That habit will be hard to break.
It's time for you to grow up as well.

jessickah12712 · Jul 21, 2010, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

A controlling boyfriend turns into a controlling husband. If you put up with it before it does not get better and you shouldn't complain.
You are just getting started in life, don't start giving into stuff you don't have to give in to. That habit will be hard to break.
It's time for you to grow up as well.

Yes you are right it is time for me to grow up and put him in his place. I have allowed this to keep happening and like I said if the talk I plan to have with him does not change anything then I need out. I've been reading about people like me who allow men to do what they want with them and its really sad because you don't notice it until someone points it out to you. I thought I was being a good person by taking care of him but I just made things worst

Homegirl 50 · Jul 21, 2010, 04:06 PM

You have enabled his childish behavior and you are not even happy.
What does that tell you?
Being a good person does not mean you put up with bad behavior, that you let someone have their way with you.

positiveparent · Jul 21, 2010, 05:41 PM

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

hello everyone. i know i am annoying lol. i made a list of topics id like to cover with my boyfriend and i am planning on repeating this to him word for word and id just like to throw it out there for you guys to review and to correct me if i am saying anything unappropriate or that might sound mean. thank you

things to work on

1. controlling eachother! this is our number one issue. you are you and i am me. we are 2 individuals sharing our life together but that does not mean we are ONE person. we are no longer allowed to tell eachother what to do under any circumstances unless it is endangering our lives or somebody elses.
-as of today you are free to do whatever you want. all i ask is that you respect me and respect what i might want to do.
- i dont want you talking to your ex because it makes me feel bad and to me its a form of cheating but i can't stop you from talking to who you want so if talking to your exes make you happy then i will not interfere but just know that there are consequences to all actions you take and the consequence for talking to your ex will be me leaving, treating you badly, or me talking my exes.
- richie asked you to go to trinidad with hm in december and you said you can't go without me but thats not true. i have no buisness in trinidad and i am not interested in going over there so if you want to go then you can go without having a consequence attached to it. my trust for u is still a little shakey but i have to get over it and move on
- now that we arent going to be sharing an account we are each responsible for our own money and paying our bills. whatever money we have left over is ours to do whatever we want with it without consulting one another. you are allowed to buy whatever you want because you worked hard for it. i am in no place to decide how you spend your money and neither are you.
- how you dress is none of my buisness. you wear what you want whether its dirty or not i won't say anything about how you dress anymore expecting that you do the same. we shold be allowed to dress however we want. i kno you hate it when i wear revealing clothes but you met me wearing those types of clothes so you can't tell me i can't wear them or that i can only wear them when we are together.
-you want a facebook, myspace, aim or whatever then you go ahead. you give me your password only IF YOU WANT. who you talk to is none of my buisness unless you want to tell me.
-i know you like to run errands for others so i will no longer object to you doing whatever you want with the car because in reality the car is YOURS. your mom bought it for you and she pays the insurance so i have no say in what you do with it. when i buy a car then i have the right to tell you that you can't run errands in it for other people.
-i wont tell you anything about your driving and refusing to wear a seatbelt orsmoking cigarettes unless i am in the car. i understand that you drive how you want and wearing a seatbelt makes you feel uncomfortable but all i ask is that you dont speed with me in the car or smoke cigarettes. i only ask this because i feel its unfair to put somebody thru that. when you speed and cut people off it scares me and then im feeling uncomfortable and it makes it hard for me to actually enjoy being in the car with you. i will no longer remind you that you are a danger to others when you speed and cut people off or that by not wearing a seatbelt you can fly right thru the window. this is the last time i will say this
-when we are having a fight i will try not to yell and say things that will make it worst. i acknowledge that i push your buttons while arguing by calling you names and being a . i do those things becuse i am mad and you always storm off and never want to stick around to finish and i recongnize that my actions have consequences as well. i would like it that when we are disagreeing that you don't brush me off like you usually do just because you are mad unless you promise to talk about it later. i will no longer cut you off when you are speaking unless you ask me to expecting you do the same

Seems OK to me and I wish you luck with it.
About your past, that's up to you if he's not making waves over it, then leave well alone, sometimes we can give TMI, and others not enough.

Its your past you have every right to keep it to yourself.
So does he.

This is after all about the future, yours and his, together.

So if he refuses to meet you half way over these issues, what is your game plan, will you tell him that you'll leave, or something. Because whatever you tell him you intend to do, you know for any real effect you must carry it through.

If you don't he won't take any thing you say you'll do as serious.

One suggestion with the above, it still seems a little as if you're ordering him, perhaps you could word it to seem like you're asking him, such as : if we go out together in your/the car could you please remember I am not at ease with speeding, so can you drive a little slower.

Anyway good luck...

Also saying unless you promise to later blah blah, that's an ultimatum, those are best avoided. IMO
Also promises are mostly made to be broken, so try to avoid making them to avoid breaking them and hurting others feelings.

I would have maybe been more inclined to just tell him, you are you and I am I, I no longer wish to try to control you, and I ask you try to please stop trying to control myself in return, this is not an ownership we have it's a partnership, can you accept this and be willing to work with me?

Whatever you want to get over to him, you will have to introduce those changes slowly, one day at a time.

Don't worry about what he does you can lead by example...

Remember you cannot change anyone only yourself, and same with him. I would concentrate on making your changes, and if he sees you do this then he might just decide to change himself.

jessickah12712 · Jul 21, 2010, 06:09 PM

OK I re-worded certain parts that sounded like demands and I have called him and askd him to make a list of likes and dislikes in our relationship. He doesn't see the reason for it though and I told him he doesn't have to do it but I have made a list and I wouldlike to have a serious talk. He agreed on either tonight or tomorrow morning. And I am not expecting him to change in one day I know its going to be a while but the most important thing I want to change is how we communicate and the controlling issues because it seems like the communication and controlling is branching out to several problems and I never knew that until now. I always told myself "there is no point in counseling, we dont have a problem, we just arent meant to be" but in reality I feel like a different person now. I feel like I can rationally talk to anyone! I keep reading the website you referred and its really helping. I can't thank you enough

positiveparent · Jul 21, 2010, 06:19 PM

Im so pleased you're making use of the website, and it makes me happy knowing its helping you. I created it myself, in the hope of being able to help other couples such as yourself.

You're doing good, when you and the b/f get together try to put the how to listen exercise in place, so many couples fail to really listen to one another, and that means they get know where.

There are step by step self help exercises on that site too, plus hundreds of files you are free to make copies of too.

I wish you lots of luck and that you and the b/f are able to make some headway together, don't forget though only you can change yourself, no one else. Ill be thinking of you both.

Go for it..
Marianne aka pp.

Going offline line now Ill be back later.

positiveparent · Jul 22, 2010, 09:30 AM

Hi Op, I see you haven't been back here.

Have you had the talk with the b/f, Did it go well?

Do keep us informed we are aiming to help you.

jessickah12712 · Jul 22, 2010, 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by positiveparent

Hi Op, I see you havent been back here.

Have you had the talk with the b/f,? did it go well?

Do keep us informed we are aiming to help you.

I have been asking him to lets talk and he keeps brushing me off. Now he is at work and took it upon himself to read my "talk" list without even asking me!! And now he is mad because I told him not to read it. I want to be the one the discusses it because I need to go into details what I wrote on it and he is STILL READING MY LIST even after I told him not to and he isn't acknowldging that we have a problem. All he is saying is that he knows he doesn't clean or wash dishes and that its my fault that we argue because I have a problem with every little thing he does! Who wouldn't have a problem with reckless driving, peeing on toilet seat and not cleaning it, not cleaning after yourself in the bathroom or having bad breath! Oh my god I can 't compose myself any longer and I think its just best I get the hell out of here before I kill this man

ISneezeFunny · Jul 22, 2010, 02:00 PM

Yep. Time to leave.

jessickah12712 · Jul 22, 2010, 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

yep. time to leave.

We are now talking civilized now. He is listening and compromising about certain things. But he did say that he will not change the fact that he is protective of me and he feels as a couple we should do things together all the time so I said we should go to counseling and maybe that will help him understand that that's not how it should be. I won't be controlled and it stops now. We are going to try this being free thing and see how we like it and then decide if it can be fixed or just give up. We actually never talked like how we are talking now and he seems to be taking it rather well (probably because I'm not yelling anymore) but I'm praying for the best right now. He isn't understanding the bank account situation. He saids what's the difference if uyou put my name on it or not? But he isn't being clear about why I shouldn't have my own account.

positiveparent · Jul 22, 2010, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

we are now talking civilized now. he is listening and compromising about certain things. but he did say that he will not change the fact that he is protective of me and he feels as a couple we should do things together all the time so i said we should go to counseling and maybe that will help him understand that thats not how it should be. i won't be controlled and it stops now. we are going to try this being free thing and see how we like it and then decide if it can be fixed or just give up. we actually never talked like how we are talking now and he seems to be taking it rather well (probably because im not yelling anymore) but im praying for the best right now. he isnt understanding the bank account situation. he saids whats the difference if uyou put my name on it or not? but he isnt being clear about why i shouldnt have my own account.

Hi again, as much as I am inclined to agree with others here, I can also see that you really do want to make a go of this relationship, so if I can help you with this aim, I will.

You did good telling him you won't be controlled Im the same, I won't be controlled either and why should anyone accept that for a way of life, its not natural and it will also unbalance an already unbalanced relationship, and you also did good suggesting counselling.

Your b/f seems to be coming around slowly, which is a good sign too.

As for the bank accounts just open your own.

By having joint account though he's not protecting you, he possibly wants to control you more like it. However you're aware of this so that's good.

You could continue how you are and see how that goes, I do though feel that there's going to come a time when you will need to decide is this all worth it. But only you can make that decision and hopefully you'll know when that time as arrived.

For now though all you can do is keep persevering.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 22, 2010, 04:03 PM

Ask him what the difference will be when his name is on it? What are the pros and cons?

ISneezeFunny · Jul 22, 2010, 04:06 PM

I remember reading an article about "how to control man/woman"...

1. Finances
2. Transportation
3. Friends/Acquaintances

Those three things, and you've been controlled. Want to go out somewhere, get something to eat? Need money and transportation. Want to go on a girls' night out? Need money and friends. Want to just go over a friend's house to hang out/get out of the house? Need transportation and friends.

As far as the bank accounts... come to some sort of a compromise. If he wants a joint account, perhaps you guys can have three different accounts. One joint, and two separate for each of you. Then each of you can put in a certain percentage amount into the joint to cover household expenses, and in each of your separate checking accounts, you guys can squirrel away some extra cash for a rainy day.

You see, with these three things controlled, the person is controlled pretty much on a daily basis.

jessickah12712 · Jul 24, 2010, 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I remember reading an article about "how to control man/woman"...

1. Finances
2. Transportation
3. Friends/Acquaintances

Those three things, and you've been controlled. Wanna go out somewhere, get something to eat? Need money and transportation. Wanna go on a girls' night out? Need money and friends. Wanna just go over a friend's house to hang out/get out of the house? Need transportation and friends.

As far as the bank accounts...come to some sort of a compromise. If he wants a joint account, perhaps you guys can have three different accounts. One joint, and two separate for each of you. Then each of you can put in a certain percentage amount into the joint to cover household expenses, and in each of your separate checking accounts, you guys can squirrel away some extra cash for a rainy day.

You see, with these three things controlled, the person is controlled pretty much on a daily basis.

That's the same thing I explained to him. Itl him no one iscancelling the joint account. All of our money is going into it all I am doing is adding my own account to it. But he still doesn't see the point and I don't see the point in having 3 joint accounts. Its ludacris. So we agreed to disagree on the account things. I told him I'm not backing down so he either deals with it or not. We spoke about all of our problems and we did resolve a lot of loose ends. Today I was woken up with kisses lol (which he does all the time) but he had m coffee ready even though it made hm late for work. Today when he comes home he promised to help me clean. I only want him to clean you his mess. H took apart a whol bunch of computers and left them scattered aaround the house and we agreed that if it isn't cleaned I will throw them in the garbage and he knows I'm good for it lol. He started his school process and has an appointment sometme next week to take his admissions test. I have my finger crossed that all goes well. For his 21 birthday we will go out clubbing or something which I love to do but he hates btut he said he will do that for me. Good promises so far. I'm just hoping they work.

ISneezeFunny · Jul 24, 2010, 10:18 AM

Good to hear that progress is being made.

I suggest you take this time to come to a compromise, but also be careful on what you ask for. If he gives up a lot of things (especially doing something he dislikes on his birthday), he may resent you for it later on.

Are there certain things that he wants YOU to sacrifice?

jessickah12712 · Jul 26, 2010, 01:33 PM

Hello everyone. Everything is going OK so far. He is still upset about the accounts but he doesn't talk about it so I just leave it alone to give him time to get used to it. I transfer my side money to my account and I'm happy and he is buying all these things and I don care because I got peace in mind knowing it isn't cmng from my money lol. I tried telling him that it's a bit unfair when he wants to buy things and spends all the money because I make half of it so shouldn't I decide how I want to spend it? That's my main reason for the whole individual account thing. But so far so good.I tell him what to clean and he does it lol. He likes me being in control I guess. As long as he does what has to get done then I can't complain lol

Homegirl 50 · Jul 26, 2010, 01:41 PM

You still have a problem, and money issues. That is not going to go away. You're going to have to deal with some time or another.
Why are you letting him just spend money on "stuff" when half of the money is yours? Are you guys getting your bills paid?
I just hope you don't bury your head in the sand as long as you think things are going OK.

positiveparent · Jul 26, 2010, 01:44 PM

Originally Posted by jessickah12712

hello everyone. everything is going ok so far. he is still upset about the accounts but he doesnt talk about it so i just leave it alone to give him time to get used to it. i transfer my side money to my account and im happy and he is buying all these things and i don care because i got peace in mind knowing it isnt cmng from my money lol. i tried telling him that its a bit unfair when he wants to buy things and spends all the money because i make half of it so shouldnt i decide how i want to spend it? thats my main reason for the whole individual account thing. but so far so good.i tell him what to clean and he does it lol. he likes me being in control i guess. as long as he does what has to get done then i can't complain lol

Hi again, don't let him spend your rent money, that has got to be paid without fail, no rent paid no home to live in, do you want to live rough on the streets? Living from hand to mouth,NO, so be sure to keep that money aside as your no:1 priority.

I still feel you need to be careful, you did say you wouldn't control him, but it seems you are naughty girl LOL, but watch he doesn't turn on you when you least expect it.

Keep us updated please, I worry about him turning on you.

JudyKayTee · Jul 26, 2010, 01:59 PM

A dear friend of mine has a husband who would drive a Corvette and live in a barn. She had enough and so this is what she did - every month she adds up all the household bills (everything, including food). She then presents him with the bill, with his percentage figure out for him. She makes 60% of the income, he makes 40% so he is responsible for giving her 40%, which she combines with her 60% and then she pays the bills. I have no idea how she enforces this but she has peace of mind, he has peace of mind and it works for them.

I think it's a business arrangement but, again, it works. I have no idea what she would do if he failed to pay.

RayDiant · Jul 26, 2010, 04:15 PM

Speaking from experience, keep your bank accounts separate. I moved out with my boyfriend, after we graduated from high school, and we moved into a rental house together. We opened a joint bank account and closed our individual accounts. Towards the end of our 6 year relationship, rent checks started bouncing, my car payment started bouncing, come to find out he was withdrawing money without telling me, to buy drugs. I NEVER KNEW! I also cosigned on several credit cards for him, and guess what happened? After we split up, I moved back home and he claimed bankruptcy, I was getting the phone calls from collectors! I was forced into bankruptcy.

Don't do it! If your boyfriend doesn't understand why, then maybe you need to find someone who will understand and respect your wishes.