[hornyman34]

My wife got me into 3somes and couples for about 6 yrs then she lost interest due to not liking the people then 4 yrs later we tried again but now she does not enjoy sex but does it for me what can I do to get her drive with me and others back?

[Cat1864]

How old is she and when was the last time she had a check up? Does she have a clean bill of health from her doctor?

Why does she not enjoy sex with you (let's forget other people for the moment)? Have you asked her? Have the two of you sat down and discussed the issue when not in the bedroom or a sexual situation?

What has changed in her life since she started not wanting sex? Do you have children? Does she have a stressful job? Has she gained weight or lost a lot of weight? Is she physically active? Etc.

[Alty]

Cat asks some very important questions.

I have only one.

Why can't you just be happy with the two of you?

[kp2171]

Well.. its fine to mention she introduced you to threesomes... but the past is no guarantee of future acts...

So her drive is low, or lower than you would like... happens...

Please explain.

Asking someone to tell you how to seduce the woman you know better than us... sure... we might have some ideas, but only if we have some info...

Right?

I mean... how old is she? How is her health? Kids in the house? Stress at work? How are things outside the bedroom? Et cetera... ad nauseum.

The best way to get into her pants is to get into her head... so... what's going on there these days?

[positiveparent]

Peoples likes and dislikes change, you say its been 4 years since you both indulged in 3 somes?

I would think you're wife has just done with that experimental stage, and perhaps it is a contributing factor in her now not wanting sex.

Perhaps she feels under pressure to resume 3 somes with you, and that's what is stopping her from wanting sex.

Im not saying you view her as this but she might be thinking she's viewed as some circus performing sex object, and doesn't want that anymore.

Concentrate on one on one sex with your wife, maybe she feels unloved unless she does as you want or what she thinks you want. Go back to how you were before you were married, romance her.

It could be what's needed. JMO

[Synnen]

Have you asked HER what the issues are?

Have you, in a non-threatening, openly interested way, asked her what HER thoughts are, and then LISTENED to her answer?

[martinizing2]

my wife got me into 3somes and couples for about 6 yrs then she lost interest due to not liking the people then 4 yrs later we tried again but now she does not enjoy sex but does it for me what can i do to get her drive with me and others back?

I wonder about you wanting to back to threesomes when she isn't interested in one on one. Take the first issue and figure it out. Then move on. So...

The first suggestion is don't worry about the others. Concentrate on you and her rekindling the fire.

It is a possibility that after a period of sexual gymnastics and trying all the unconventional aspects of sex, she may feel like "where do you go from here". Too much of a good thing can spoil it. You cannot remain at a constant level of thrilled.

And as has been stated ,a check up never hurts.


There are so many possibilities of things that could be a cause when you enter the multiple partner show of thrills and chills. I know because I was there myself.
She could have issues of feeling she can't live up to be like the other women se has seen you with, and it goes on and on and on...

It all falls back to communication. Ask her , listen when she talks, be honest and don't hold back. Really exchange some words.

Until the mystery of how she feels is solved, it is all speculation.

[Allie602]

I think your desire to get her going again is for your pleasure not hers. With such self interest she is unlikely to want to participate and if you keep bothering her, you will end up with not only no 3somes but no sex. Count your blessing and appreciate that you had an exciting run with an unusually adventuos partner. Without her you would not have had those adventures. Look at yourself, you are busy in a self- centered pursuit of your own pleasure by instead of showing some love and caring to this wonderful person. What you should be asking is what can I do to make this person happy. Sounds like you don't diserve very much of anything except the frustration that you are expirencing now and will continue to feel. Think about someone besides yourself or you will have decades of misery.

[Synnen]

I think your desire to get her going again is for your pleasure not hers. With such self interest she is unlikely to want to participate and if you keep bothering her, you will end up with not only no 3somes but no sex. Count your blessing and appreciate that you had an exciting run with an unusually adventuos partner. Without her you would not have had those adventures. Look at yourself, you are busy in a self- centered persuit of your own pleasure by instead of showing some love and caring to this wonderful person. What you should be asking is what can i do to make this person happy. Sounds like you don't diserve very much of anything except the frustration that you are expirencing now and will continue to feel. Think about someone besides yourself or you will have decades of misery.

Wait just a moment here---SHE started it. SHE initiated all of the threesomes and swinging--and HE is somehow the jerk for wanting to get back into it, when she's the one that got him into it to begin with?

HE deserves frustration and SHE is a wonderful person because he wants sex and she doesn't?

Sounds like you're a bit biased against the whole threesome thing, and against men who like what their women get them interested in, and then get frustrated when she does an about-face and isn't interested in what she started?

Would your answer have been the same if he said she'd gotten him interested in oral sex 6 years ago, and then stopped doing it because she didn't like it any more? What about if it had been kissing?

[Allie602]

@synnen my response would be the same. If the male's taste changed then he has right to stop and his wife should not solicit advice on how to coerce him to do it. Your question is common but doesn't happen in the real world - I bet there are millions of these "how to get my wife /gf to do" some sex act from men but not one from a woman. Soliciting advice on how to pressure a woman is a man thing, we are not inclined to beg badger force coerce pressure a man to do anything sexual for our pleasure alone. The more pleasure in it for them the more they beg. I am sensitive to this as I have had to state my position again and again it the face of foolish arguments. If you have not lived with someone obsessed with some act you don't want to do and who is constantly at you, then you should try it. Now it amuses me rather than annoying - here are a few arguments I have heard to convince me - "people who love each other should do everything", yea I can't get the garbage can put to the curb, where is the love?. "You're close-minded and boring and a prude" yea you married a good girl if you wanted a freak then.. ".we need to spice things up" yea that's what I have been saying from the outset of our relationship but I haven't seen any fireworks yet, so I should spice things up for why... " What's the problem it free it's fun" yea from your standpoint I am not having any fun and free.. How about risk of pregnant?? The cycle through roughly every year. I say it is amusing but it is sad, I have lost respect and any desire along with it because of the foolish self serving begging from a man who I thought was intelligent, caring, loving, reasonable. I would have been more than willing to spice things up if I perceived that he even believed what he said by showing these egalitarian principles at times other than when it had to do with his pleasure. Too bad.
BTW, I have nothing against 3some, I think that most men can't satisfy one women, what are they going to do with two. If they can only last 3 min is that 90 sec per woman? Or are men so skilled and focused that they will suddenly acquire the ability to give 2 women multiple orgasms when they can't accomplish this feat in 10 yrs with one woman? Some things are better left as fantisies there are probably no more that a couple of hundred men in the US who could actually pull this off and half of them are in the porn industry and the other half are between 20 and 25 yo. So dream on.

[Allie602]

You said she started it do you mean that because she got him started she can't stop until he says. I had a friend who got me interested in driving his Corvette stick-shift loved that car, would never have driven one If it had not been for him. He got rid of the car to buy a Van, I was unhappy, but I figured it was his car. I let him know how much I appreciated his letting learn how to drive it. The he needed the boring Van to deliver goods, so I helped him pack and drive it wasn't as much fun but he was a friend and it turns out the I enjoyed being with him in the boring Van so much that I forgot about the car until now. We are still very dear friends, I have thought over the yrs of presenting him with reasons he should get another Corvette so I could enjoy the use of it but, I decided to count my blessings and love my friend in spite of the fact that he never got another sports car. I really miss driving that car but I have something better I have my friend. A bit heavy handed but think about it.

[Synnen]

Honey, I've successfully had threesomes, more than once.

And you obviously haven't been here long--because there are PLENTY of women asking why their man won't do "X", even though he used to, or why won't he do "y", since she does it for him. Browse Adult Sexuality for a while.

So yes--some women DO have to force, coerce, beg, whatever, to be sexually satisfied.

I think the problem is that YOU do not have, and have not had, a partner that was willing to satisfy you--one that you trust completely and implicitly inside and out of bed.

And maybe that's the OP's wife's problem, too. I don't know.

I only know that you came here and basically attacked the OP for wanting his sex life back to the way it used to be, and ASSUMED that his wife was the way you view yourself. THEN--when I called you on that--you have basically attacked ME for pointing out that she's no saint in the story and that presenting her as one means that you missed the point of the whole thing in your desire to lecture a guy besides your own about how you wish to be treated yourself.

PS--your sports car analogy falls short. If you had a great boyfriend that gave you the PERFECT oral sex over the first six years of your relationship, then decided one day that he was never going to do it again because he didn't enjoy it anymore--would you stay with that guy, KNOWING that you would NEVER receive oral sex again? What if he decided, after being the best kisser ever, a guy that made you tingle right down to your toenails and made shivers run through you with excitement, that he didn't like kissing anymore, and wasn't going to ever kiss you again---KNOWING that he started the kissing, and that you enjoy it?

Or--let's take this analogy one step further. Let's say you have a cat that you love. It's a cat you picked out together, and one that you have both enjoyed petting at the same time. Now let's say that your boyfriend/husband/whatever decides one day that he no longer likes cats, and you have to get rid of it. Even though it was a mutual decision to get a cat, should it be the decision of ONE of you to change the rules without discussion?

[Allie602]

Do men get their PHd's in logical thinking about sexual relationship from the same institution? None of your logic makes sense. Woman have a choice to say yes or no. You can use all of the logic that you want but the answer is the same, women control what with whom and when. Anger, convoluted (what passes for) logic, coersion, pressure cannot change the fact. This mans frustration is understandable, the mind set that there is some majic formula to get his wife to do what she is no longer interested in doing to releave his frustration is misquided.
Women are not required to relieve a mans sexual frustrations just necause he has them. Male sexual frustration was, in the past, reason enough for a woman to feel obliged to service them but these days, women can chose to engage or not. His frustration is not the deciding factor anymore. So men are now required to control themselves, which is something new for them. But evolution will take care of that in one generation.
My advice to OP is to control himself, love his wife, she is not a sex object she is human and is not required to do 3some because he can't gain control over himself. That's the way it is and nothing you say or do changes that. It is always amusing to see how men attempt to convince women that their "needs" are more important than her choice. .

[Synnen]

Psst---I'm a woman. YOUR logic (with the sports car thing) made no sense to me. Maybe you're just young?

MEN also control what, with whom, and when. Anyone not happy with their partner's lines in the bedroom is able to leave. At some point you have to either accept that you are willing to live with the lines or you accept that you need to leave.

That goes for both men AND women.

And--here's the thing--if you CHANGE where the lines are, then you accept that you've made the decision to give up your partner if that is important to him or her. When you change the rules, you have to accept responsibility for your part in your partner's resentment or in your partner leaving.

By focusing on women having power, you are doing the Same thing that men have done for centuries. NEITHER ONE is the deciding factor. Period. If it is THEIR sex life, what happens in it should be THEIR decisions, not "his" or "hers". Changing the "rules" should be TALKED about, not just decided by one side or the other.

Oh--and yeah--women haven't had to just satisfy a man's desire in at least 50 years, honey. I doubt your GRANDMOTHER just lay on her back and thought of paint colors, much less your mother.

So no--women don't have to "put out" just to satisfy their man anymore. But--their men don't have to stick around with a frigid wife anymore, either. They can leave her and find someone more satisfying--and she'd frankly have no one to blame but herself.

So... whatever. Your advice is from your point of view.

My advice is to still see a counselor, because her changing the rules of their relationship without consulting him is STILL a gap in communication--and she doesn't have the power to decide THEIR lives any more than HE does.

PS--he wasn't asking how to get her to do them. Read the question again. She's already doing them. What he wants is for her to be into them like she used to be.

PPS--THEIR needs are more important than HER choice. It's always amusing to see the kind of women that think that since they have the pu$$y, they control the sexual relationship.

[Cat1864]

Has anyone here said she doesn't have a choice?

Part of the problem is that apparently she is going along with it now to please him. That is her choice. She needs to take responsibility for continuing to do something she isn't getting anything out of for whatever reason she is doing it. Making him feel like a jerk for wanting/doing something she doesn't is NOT her Right.

but now she does not enjoy sex but does it for me

The issue is why did she change.

If it is boredom, wanting a closer relationship with him, etc. fine. She needs to explain it to him. He needs to listen. They need to work through the issue and find out what works for BOTH of them.

IF her lowered/changed libido is due to health issues, stress, etc. they need to find out the cause and if it is fixable and see where they go from there.

Either way, they are supposed to be a partnership. They need to act like it.

[CravenMorhead]

Do men get their PHd's in logical thinking about sexual relationship from the same institution? None of your logic makes sense. Woman have a choice to say yes or no. You can use all of the logic that you want but the answer is the same, women control what with whom and when. Anger, convoluted (what passes for) logic, coersion, pressure cannot change the fact. This mans frustration is understandable, the mind set that there is some majic formula to get his wife to do what she is no longer interested in doing to releave his frustration is misquided.

Logic, smogic. Who needs it.

Everyone in a committed sexual relationship has the right to say yes or no. A man can decide which ink wells to dip his nib into. The problem is that men have been raised to be comfortable with sexuality from day one. We know what we want and aren't too afraid to get it.

The problem in this case is that his wife's sexual desire has dropped. She not longer really wants sex. He believes that this is due to to a threesome (a work in the actual dictionary what is up with 3some?) they had that wasn't as fulfilling as it once was. Which is understandable. People's kinks change and people's desires change. One day they want to spank a naughty catholic school girl and the next day they never want to do that again.

So what he wants to know is how to increase her sexual desire.

Women are not required to releive a mans sexual frustrations just necause he has them. Male sexual frustration was, in the past, reason enough for a woman to feel obliged to service them but these days, women can chose to engage or not. His frustration is not the deciding factor anymore. So men are now required to control themselves, which is something new for them. But evolution will take care of that in one generation.

They're not required to do anything for their husband. If a woman is not interested in sex but is willing to provide to relieve (see how I spelt that?) her husbands frustrations than that is her choice and just fine. There are a variety of reasons that she could be doing this. Primarily to make sure he won't stray. Chances are that once she gets into it, she'll enjoy it*.

I think you have a really negative impression of men. The sexual balance and economics haven't really changed much in the last few hundred years. Men have always controlled themselves. When this wasn't an option, they would find sex in the arms of another. Same thing happens in this day and age. I am not sure what glorified sexual revolution you think has happened, but I can assure you that it hasn't.

I don't think you understand evolution either. This wouldn't be evolution. This is a cultural change. This is how we teach our young to appreciate each other. All in all, nothing much is going to change, because there really isn't a reason to change.

My advice to OP is to control himself, love his wife, she is not a sex object she is human and is not required to do 3some because he can't gain control over himself. That's the way it is and nothing you say or do changes that. It is always amusing to see how men attempt to convince women that their "needs" are more important than her choice. .

I don't think you understand relational balance and dynamics. The wife is just as much a sexual being in there as he is. If he has expectations that she isn't living up to, or refuse to consider, than it is perfectly acceptable to find another person.

He loves his wife, he is still with her after all? After the potential destruction a threesome can wreak. He isn't dumping her, and hasn't put that forth as an option. He wants to work things out.

Control? I don't understand how you think he isn't controlling himself. As for his needs. Why shouldn't he approach his wife about how his needs aren't being met? Why shouldn't he find a way to have his needs met? How is this selfish on his part? Should be cut off his balls and be done with it? I think you are trying to justify unreasonable behaviour. Sure the wife has the choice to deny him, but he has the choice to ask.

I am running around in circles because I don't understand what you're trying to say. I am not even convinced that the wife understands her desires or lack there of. Which is why she needs a full medical and possibly counselling. It could be the wife is just as frustrated but she doesn't have the desire so it isn't as big of issue for her.

* - Something I read in a book:Why women have sex - Cindy Meston and David buss. Check it out, recommend to everyone.

[Allie602]

Of course he has a choice to leave if he wants 3somes or anything else he wants. They both have the same right t autonomy. I need to ask- when you say that she should discuss her desire not to have 3some, what is the purpose of discussion, it sounds like she told him she did not want to do it and she did not like it anymore. What more would she need to discuss? Do you mean she needed to have his permission to op out? There is nothing to negotiate. He may make the decision to leave and he will tell her and tell he found someone who liked to have 3 somes that would not be negotiable either. The threat of leaving or cheating is always a possibility but I don't think that she should have 3 some so he does not cheat or leave. Doesn't sound like he is ready to leave for a 3some. He probibly knows the odds that he will find someone who he can talk into doing this is slim and he may be too lazy to undertake the task of a search, better to annoy his wife who is at hand.
He should be more concerned that she may be having an affair instead of worrying about sex. Men never think their wives cheat but about the number cheating are closing in on the number of males cheating but women usually get away with so my advice to the op - she may be having her exciting sex with someone or maybe two because she has become bored with him. Also she may be planning on exiting the relationship 70% of divorces are being initiated by women these days. So his problems may be more serious than he thinks, as in "While Nero slept Rome burned"

[Allie602]

I am not saying she has no obligation to have sex with her husband, that is part of the being in a monogynous relationship. However, she has no obligation to participate in 3 some if her taste have changed just because his taste have not changed. As I said if he cannot do without them he has the fredoom to leave for a 3 some. Although why a person would throw away a relationship with a loving spouse for a sex act if beyond me. This situation is why I have not done with my husband some of the things I did in my wild single days. He has no idea. Better to keep it simple so he has no expectation of any exotic acts because if you start with men they think they are entitled or if you have done it before you need to do it with them. I am not pestered for spices my husbands knows he gets frequent regular sex and nothing else. I know I know he will cheat because he is bored when he does he's out of my life, one less person to worry about. In fact, being single again is appealing - a period of exciting sex again then back into a committed relationship.

[Synnen]

Of course he has a choice to leave if he wants 3somes or anything else he wants. They both have the same right t autonomy. I need to ask- when you say that she should discuss her desire not to have 3some, what is the purpose of discussion, it sounds like she told him she did not want to do it and she did not like it anymore. What more would she need to discuss? Do you mean she needed to have his permission to op out? There is nothing to negotiate.

No.. we're saying that in order to be a fair and loving PARTNER--she needs to EXPLAIN her reasons. Otherwise I get to opt out of doing the dishes because I don't like it anymore. I also get to opt out of sweeping, and scrubbing the tub and working full time--without discussing it with my husband. If he wants dishes to eat off, he can damned well do them himself, since I'm "opting out" without discussing it with him.

Do you TRULY not understand that she has some responsibility to her partner here, even if it's ONLY the responsibility to work with him so that they are BOTH satisfied in their relationship?

He may make the decision to leave and he will tell her and tell he found someone who liked to have 3 somes that would not be negotiable either. The threat of leaving or cheating is always a possibility but I don't think that she should have 3 some so he does not cheat or leave. Doesn't sound like he is ready to leave for a 3some. He probibly knows the odds that he will find someone who he can talk into doing this is slim and he may be too lazy to undertake the task of a search, better to annoy his wife who is at hand.

Wow, you have a terrific view of men in general. He may make the decision to leave because she doesn't TALK to him about her decisions, she just decides that since she's got the pu$$y, she controls what THEIR sex life is like. I mean, if SHE wants threesomes (and yeah--that 3somes thing of yours is annoying. Type it out like an adult), they get to have them, but if she doesn't want sex at all, she shouldn't even have to explain it. I mean, if he leaves, he's the jerk because he left her over SEX! I mean, how could he LOVE her if it was just about SEX! But if he stays and lets her control it, he's the carpet, and she has no respect for him. How can he win?

And seriously--you're nuts if you think you can't find a threesome at the drop of a hat. Check Craigslist for god's sake.

He should be more concerned that she may be having an affair instead of worrying about sex. Men never think their wives cheat but about the number cheating are closing in on the number of males cheating but women usually get away with so my advice to the op - she may be having her exciting sex with someone or maybe two because she has become bored with him. Also she may be planning on exiting the relationship 70% of divorces are being initiated by women these days. So his problems may be more serious than he thinks, as in "While Nero slept Rome burned"

So... it's somehow okay for her to be cheating because he wants her to enjoy threesomes like she used to?

So... if his problems my be worse than he thinks--you suggest

My advice to OP is to control himself, love his wife, she is not a sex object she is human and is not required to do 3some because he can't gain control over himself. That's the way it is and nothing you say or do changes that. It is always amusing to see how men attempt to convince women that their "needs" are more important than her choice.

What?

First he needs to control himself and stop trying to convince her of his needs, and the next advice you give is to check to see if she's cheating?

The way couples fix things is to COMMUNICATE. Not demand, and not expect--but TALK and LISTEN to each other.

Honey--you need help yourself. Let's stop hijacking someone else's thread and you start your own and we'll try to help you.

[QLP]

I'm not going to get embroiled in some men versus women debate. I prefer to judge people as individuals by their behaviour rather than worry about generalisations anyway. It is hard to see exactly what the dynamics are in this relationship. I think both husband and wife probably have some validity here.

Just a suggestion to the OP. Why not shift the focus from what your'e not getting onto what you could have instead for a while?

Say the doctor said you should stop eating chocolate cake for health reasons. You could choose to be miserable and pine non stop for chocolate cake. Or you could try cherry cake, lemon cake, coconut cake, fruit cake, apple cake, carrot cake... I could go on but I'm sure you could come up with hundreds more suggetions if you thought about it.

Sex is an incredibly versatile pastime if you decide to make it so. The ways to make it varied and fun are only limited by your imagination. Why not work on what else the both of you would really like to try for a while. Maybe your wife will change her mind in time or maybe you will be having such a good time you won't even care. I'm not suggesting you bury your issue but just don't let it take over your whole sex life. Forget the threesomes for now and work on getting some enjoyment there for both of you in other ways first.

If there really is no way for you wife to find enjoyment with you then she could do with finding out why, from a doctor and/or counsellor.