[Shadowburn]

I didn't have time to read the whole thread, sorry - but what I want to say is there is no excuse for violence, never, ever. In a long run, you'd be better off without him. Tell friends and family what he's done, keep some cash and change of clothes for you and your child, collect important documents and be prepared to leave immediately if needed, because your life may be in danger.

[Kitkat22]

Suspicious, Critical

A victim of spousal abuse may feel that she is constantly being picked on and is unable to make decisions for herself. An abusive partner may try
to control what his spouse wears and where she goes, suggests the Mayo Clinic. An abusive partner may accuse his spouse of being unfaithful or cheating on him, even if there are no grounds for this suspicion. According to the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness, an abusive partner may make the victim feel that "nothing you ever do is good enough."



Physically Abusive
Physical abuse is the most apparent type of spousal abuse, because bruises can be seen by friends and family members. If a victim makes no effort to hide frequent and unexplained injuries, she may be calling out for help. An abuser may also abuse her spouse physically without any signs of injury. For instance, a spouse who forces her partner to have sex against his will is performing physical abuse. An abuser may make her victim feel that her outward expression of anger is the fault of the victim, and that he drove her to act out violently



This means boyfriends also.

[Fr_Chuck]

I am worried about your first line, where you take any fault in him hitting you. There is nothing ( except self defense) that would require hitting. There is nothing you could say, or actions you do in your life , he is to leave or walk away, not hit.

The worry I have is that battered ( physical and emotional) women end up blaming themselves all the time, making excuses why it was their fault. Hitting is not your fault, it is his.

[positiveparent]

Does your partner:

ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you it's a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can't win? Damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? Are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change... especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

Verbal Abuse source: Pat Stubbs
The consequences of emotional and verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional and verbal abuse may cause long term self esteem issues.

Listed below are some examples of emotional and verbal abuse:
When a person is threatened, intimidated, humiliated, yelled at, or blamed, and made to feel inferior or stupid;
Constant emotional or verbal assaults that make someone feel sad, worthless and/or unwanted;
Name calling, making them feel crazy, playing mind games, and blame shifting;
Using words and feelings to strike out, embarrass, shame, insult or reject;
May include excessive, aggressive or unreasonable demands that are beyond a persons capacity;
Constant criticizing, belittling, insulting, and rejecting are all examples of emotional and verbal abuse.

Emotional and verbal abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life. Emotional and verbal abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth.

As children we are taught, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" in a sing song rhyme. That rhyme could not be further from the truth. The principle behind the message was to teach children physical violence shouldn't be used when someone calls you a name. The deeper message though teaches children to tolerate verbal abuse. By the time survivors become adults, the message to accept and tolerate verbal abuse is ingrained almost into our souls. Many times survivors themselves can not even recognize it.

What Is Abuse?
Abuse is a pattern of behavior that a person uses to try to control or dominate another person. Abuse does not have to be physical. The consequences of emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse, though much harder to recognize, and therefore more difficult to recover from. Emotional abuse may cause long term self esteem issues.

Listed below are some examples of emotional abuse:
When a person is threatened, intimidated, humiliated, yelled at, or blamed, and made to feel inferior or stupid;

Constant emotional or verbal assaults that make someone feel sad, worthless and/or unwanted;

Name calling, making them feel crazy, playing mind games, and blame shifting;
Using words and feelings to strike out, embarrass, shame, insult or reject;
May include excessive, aggressive or unreasonable demands that are beyond a persons capacity;

Constant criticizing, belittling, insulting, and rejecting are all examples of emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse may happen for months and years before any damage is evident. By the time the injury is noticed, the person may already be having significant difficulty coping with life. Emotional abuse ultimately affects a persons development and sense of self-worth.

The most widely known and understood type of abuse is physical. But there are many types, equally as devastating as physical battery.
This one is: Verbal Abuse

The following phrases are responses from victims of verbal abuse which clearly define their experiences with this type of abuse.
yelled at called names
nagged at called racial slurs
called stupid told no one else would want me
talked to as a child constant put-downs
ridiculed appearance threatened to kill me
threatened to take the children belittled important things I accomplished
told me I was stupid, ugly, dumb said I was an unfit mother
embarrassed me in public told the children I was disgusting
said I was a bad sex partner always screams at the children

There are many categories of verbal abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognizable by those experiencing them. They include:

Withholding: If there is a relationship, then there must be an exchange of information. Simply put, withholding is a choice one partner makes to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, opinions, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward the other partner. The verbal abuser may go for months without attempting to engage his partner in meaningful interaction.

Jokes: This type of abuse is not done in jest. Disparaging comments disguised as jokes often refer to the feminine nature of the partner, to her intellectual abilities, or to her competency. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.

Trivializing: Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. This type of abuse is often difficult to detest as it can be very subtle. One is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn't quite sure why. Nothing you say or do is important or meaningful. Little heed is paid to your comments or suggestions.

Judging and criticizing: Usually this type of verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone. Remarks and comments that negate or discount a partner's feelings are: "The trouble with you is...."; "You're never satisfied...."; You're too sensitive.. "; "You don't know what you're talking about... "

Blocking and Diverting: This category of verbal abuse specifically controls interpersonal communication. The abuser may refuse to communicate, establishes what can be discussed and determines when the conversation is finished. Examples of blocking are: "You think you know it all;" "That's a lot of bunk;" "Just drop it;" "Who asked you?"; "Where did you get a stupid idea like that?", etc.

Other types of verbal abuse include name calling, threatening, denial, undermining and ordering. All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.

[jmjoseph]

Ok, fast forward twenty years. Your daughter is married, with a small child, a daughter, let's say that she is 5. Your daughter comes over one day with a black eye. She tells you that her husband hit her. What do you suggest that she do?

If it's not OK for your daughter, it's not OK for you.

Be safe at all costs. Things like this have a progressive nature. Don't let him "love" you to death.

May God keep you from harm.

I hope that you have two big, protective, brothers.

[Kitkat22]

I'm sitting here tonight thinking .

You are going to marry this man.

You know he's a monster because you've witnessed his temper along time be for he hit you.

You think once you're married he'll change. He won't I promise.

You're marrying him because you want your child to have a home.

Two loving parents who adore that child. Don't let yourself think
It will all turn out happy, it won't.

When he starts abusing you mentally and physically you'll want to die. You won't because you love that child more than anything and you will live for her.

After a few months you'll start spending a lot of time alone. You and your child. At first you'll hate it, then you start to look forward to the times he's not there.

There will be other women and drinking and lying. He'll blame you.

I could name a hundred things that will happen cause I've lived it.

I'm asking you to do this; if you marry this man and I think you will
Because you think you can change him. You won't and you can't.

Remember this.. we're here... please let us know what you decide to do.

Think and think long and hard about what you will be taking your child into.

Blessings to you.

[Alfersz]

Once it starts, it is so hard for them to stop. I was in an abusive relationship, and it started with her slapping me across the face when we were just dating. After marriage, it got worse, escalating to scratching, biting, punching, and kicking. We have 2 children together and are now going through divorce. I wish I had done it sooner because no one deserves to be put through that. It is humiliating, demeaning, and it affected so many other aspects of my life. I hope that you can find the strength to walk away before it gets worse. No one has the right to physically hurt you.

I'm agree too..

[Alfersz]

I'm sitting here tonight thinking .

You are going to marry this man.

You know he's a monster because you've witnessed his temper along time be for he hit you.

You think once you're married he'll change. He won't i promise.

You're marrying him because you want your child to have a home.

Two loving parents who adore that child. Don't let yourself think
it will all turn out happy, it won't.

When he starts abusing you mentally and physically you'll want to die. You won't because you love that child more than anything and you will live for her.

after a few months you'll start spending a lot of time alone. You and your child. At first you'll hate it, then you start to look forward to the times he's not there.

There will be other women and drinking and lying. He'll blame you.

I could name a hundred things that will happen cause I've lived it.

I'm asking you to do this; if you marry this man and I think you will
because you think you can change him. You won't and you can't.

Remember this..we're here...please let us know what you decide to do.

Think and think long and hard about what you will be taking your child into.

Blessings to you.

Damn... Wish I could just hit this kind of man until her mother don't regocnize him...
I prefer you to leave that guy... I know its hard for you and your child but look around you and there must be someone that support you..
Friends,relatives.. you are not alone,just don't marry with him... you'll more suffer and longer... and at the very end of the story,50% that your child future is dark to have a family like this...

[gaman]

Guys Thank You all for your responses, I spoke to him yesterday, and from listening to his words I honestly doubt this was the first and the last, I do love him but I just cannot stand an abuser I told him I will walk away.

[Kitkat22]

Guys Thank You all for your responses, I spoke to him yesterday, and from listening to his words I honestly doubt this was the first and the last, I do love him but I just cannot stand an abuser I told him I will walk away.

I'm so glad. Please know we are here. God Bless you and keep you and your little one safe... Kit

[Mom of 2]

Yes, I agree!!

[Alfersz]

Guys Thank You all for your responses, I spoke to him yesterday, and from listening to his words I honestly doubt this was the first and the last, I do love him but I just cannot stand an abuser I told him I will walk away.

Good move gaman.. dont give up to life cause we still have a long journey and have many good things to do.. :D

[aimee_tt]

Ok, fast forward twenty years. Your daughter is married, with a small child, a daughter, let's say that she is 5. Your daughter comes over one day with a black eye. She tells you that her husband hit her. What do you suggest that she do?

If it's not OK for your daughter, it's not OK for you.

Be safe at all costs. Things like this have a progressive nature. Don't let him "love" you to death.

May God keep you from harm.

I hope that you have two big, protective, brothers.

I Have to agree with this. My aunty is abused by her husband. He hits her and his children.

My cousin get into a relationship with a man they have a baby and he starts hitting her the last stray was when he hit her while she was holding the baby. Naturally my aunty tells my uncle who straight away goes to collect her and her daughter and while he is doing that bashes the man. What we tried to tell my Aunty is why does she want to get her daughter straight out of the situation and not do it for her self as well?

So my aunty is still with him with a 11 year old kid who was conceived by him raping her. Now all her kids treat her like she is dirt because their father does. He is sleeping with the trashing next door neighbour.

He controls her life she doesn't even know what bank accounts she has as he makes her sign paper and hides everywhere but the sign box.

Is this the kind of life you want for yourself and your child? Because that's what's going to happen.

I have seen what abuse does to people and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone!

**just realised that your leaving... Thank you for putting yourself and your child first!

[martinizing2]

Stay strong and stay with your decision to walk away.